Chapter Twenty Nine

“I ’ve known her a few weeks, staying here just for her would be ridiculous,” Lydia said, pacing around her bedroom, phone glued to her ear.

“People do crazier things,” said Leah. “I mean, they bungee jump and go into space and do all sorts. Staying in town because of a woman seems like nothing in comparison to that.”

“It’d be helpful if you’d take my crisis just a little more seriously,” Lydia said, finally sitting down on the edge of the bed.

Leah laughed. “If this is a crisis I dread to think what’ll happen if you decide to, I don’t know, have kids together, or get married. This isn’t a crisis, Lyd. It’s a decision. Do you like her?”

Lydia blew out a breath. “Yes,” she said.

“That’s sounds… indecisive.”

“It’s not about liking.” Lydia closed her eyes. “Leah, I’ve never done this before. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be feeling. I don’t know what’s the right thing to feel.”

There was silence for a second. Leah sighed. “It’s… it’s sort of everything and nothing all at the same time.”

“Helpful, thanks.”

“Give me a chance,” Leah said. “What I mean is… You know when you see in the movies or read about it in a book, love is sort of… overwhelming, it’s everything, it takes over your life, you coul dn’t live without them and blah blah blah?”

“Yes.”

“I agree with that in that it sort of takes over your thoughts. But then it’s nothing too.”

“Again, going to need a bit more there.”

Leah sighed again. “Look, I know I wouldn’t die without Rowan. I know that I could go on living and probably live a comfortable and satisfying life in the end.”

“I’m sure he’ll be delighted to hear that.”

“But I wouldn’t want to is kind of the point. Life without him in it would be… duller, less shiny, less important. Everything I do is just a bit better because he sees it or is part of it or benefits from it. I don’t know that I’m doing a good job of explaining this.”

“No,” said Lydia. “No, I think I’m starting to understand better.”

“Loving is a whole accumulation of things. It’s the way he moves his head, the smile when he’s tired, it’s the way he touches my arm when he knows I’m anxious. It’s the way he holds our kids. But mostly, mostly, it’s just looking at someone and knowing that there’s no one else in the whole world I’d rather be doing this with.”

Lydia kicked her shoes off and swung her legs up onto the bed. “I’ve spent years and years getting to this point,” she said.

“I get that the job’s a good opportunity. I get that you want to take it. I think what you don’t understand is that life’s about more than just one thing. Having a career you’re good at and that you love is amazing, but so is having a partner, having a family, having friends. There’s balance in there, Lyd, something that, shock and horror, you might not be very good at.”

“Say what now? I’m great at balance. Do you have any idea what kind of discipline and efficiency and planning it takes to study medicine, practice, exercise, eat right and sleep right and everything else?”

“I do. I understand because I also see what you sacrificed along the way,” Leah said. “And I’m not going to lie to you, Lyd. There were plenty of times when I was jealous of you, still am as a matter of fact. Times when mum and dad were praising you, when you won prizes, when everyone talked about what a great doctor you were going to be.”

“I didn’t mean to make you feel lesser,” Lydia began, feeling bad.

“I know. And it’s fine. Because there were plenty of times when I was so glad not to be you. Times when I was going out with my friends, when I was having fun, when I didn’t have that huge weight of responsibility to be successful on my shoulders.”

“Ah.”

“Balance. Compromise. Call it what you will. Life can’t exist without giving something up in order to get something. It’s like… the natural order of the universe.”

“So you think I should give up the job to stay here with a woman I barely know?” Lydia demanded.

“No. Absolutely not. I think that you should come to your own decisions about what it is you want in life. You’re smart and you’ll figure things out. I want you to remember that you’re loved and that you deserve love as well. There is nothing, absolutely nothing in this life that I want more for you than for you to be happy. Whatever that looks like for you.” Leah paused. “Remember what I said when you came out?”

Lydia grinned. “Yeah. Fuck all.”

“Right. Because it wasn’t important to me. Still isn’t. As long as you’re happy, that’s all I care about. That’s the most love somebody can give someone else, putting their happiness above all else.”

Lydia stroked the bed sheets with her fingers, thinking about Cordelia making the bed, thinking about Cordelia smiling, about Cordelia doing anything really. It made her feel warm inside. But that didn’t detract from the fact that this was all new and slightly frightening. And that it might fail.

“What if it doesn’t work out?” she asked. “I could stay here and then it doesn’t work out with Cordelia and I’ve sacrificed for nothing. ”

Leah laughed. “Every relationship ends,” she said. “There is no such thing as together forever. One of you will leave eventually. You have to concentrate on what you have while you have it, because the end point is a story that’s already been written. You’ll break up or divorce, or one of you will die. There’s no forever, Lydia.”

Lydia closed her eyes, sparkles appearing beneath her eyelids. “She told me to go, Leah.”

“Maybe she means it,” Leah said roughly. “Or maybe she’s telling you to go because she thinks that’s what you want. Or maybe she’s doing it because it’s easier on her. I don’t know the woman. I do know that there are plenty of reasons to say something that you don’t really mean.”

“See, this is why I don’t do this. This is why I left dating out of my master plan. Why can’t it be easy, black and white, one thing or the other.”

“Oh, because I’m sure medicine is like that, there are no mysteries in the human body, are there?” asked Leah sarcastically.

Downstairs, Lydia heard the front door open. “Alright, alright, point made,” She sighed. “Kids okay?”

“Doing fine but missing their sensible aunt. You need to come and visit.”

“I will,” Lydia promised. She opened her eyes and looked at the window, sheets of water were rushing down it. “It’s raining like the sky’s broken here. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much water.”

“You won’t melt,” said Leah cheerfully. “Besides, a bit of water seems like the least of your problems. Aren’t you busy deciphering human relationships and making major life decisions.”

“You know, there are times when I wonder why I talk to you at all.”

“Because I’m your sister and I am wise to the ways of the world,” said Leah, laughing. “And this is all part of growing up, I’m afraid. Even if you are figuring this out a little later than the rest of us did. ”

“So now I’m a late developer as well,” groaned Lydia. “You know, I suggested going long distance. That’s a compromise, isn’t it?”

“It is. But maybe it’s a compromise too far. Or maybe she doesn’t believe in you. Or maybe it’s just not what she wants. Honestly, Lyd, you’re talking to the wrong person here. I’m thinking that this conversation would go a lot better if you were talking to the other half of the equation, rather than someone who has no stake in the outcome.”

“Yes, yes, I get it. I’m not naive enough to think that relationship problems are solved without communication. I’ve been around you and Rowan yelling at each other often enough.”

“We don’t yell. We have spirited conversations.”

“Mmmhmm. Well, maybe it’s time for Cordelia and I to have a spirited conversation. Or at least an honest one.”

“Go on then, I’ll talk to you soon. And Lyd?”

“Yeah?”

“Maybe think about bringing this Cordelia when you visit. I’d like to meet her.”

“Right.” Because that was likely to happen in the near future.

Lydia hung up and spent a minute more lying on her bed wondering just how she was supposed to make decisions like this one.

Truthfully, she’d never really had to make a major decision. Once she decided that she wanted to be a doctor, which had happened so early she could barely remember it, everything else had been planned or sort of fallen into place.

Meaning this was the first time she’d had to do something like this.

Cordelia meant something to her, she knew that. She could feel the crackling in the air when she was near. But what exactly did she mean? And what did she, Lydia, mean to Cordelia? And could all of that be weighed up against an entire career, against something that had been planned and worked at for so long?

Christ. Whatever Leah might think, Lydia was convinced that medicine was easier than this .

Still, there really was only one thing to do. She sighed, got up, straightened her clothes, and squared her shoulders. She and Cordelia needed to talk. Openly and honestly. She wasn’t sure if Cordelia could do that though. Not when she was so used to keeping her feelings hidden away. Not when she was so afraid of getting hurt again.

Still, there was only one way to find out.

Lydia opened her bedroom door and made her way downstairs.