Chapter 1

CHAPTER ONE

MONSTER

Two weeks into my last semester at Green Spring University and I feel like I’m drowning. For some reason I am just not grasping the concept of one class.

Failing is not an option.

Obviously, it’s still very early on, but with baseball practice about to start this Friday and the season beginning only three weeks after that, time is not on my side. Which is why I hired a tutor and am on my way to meet her at the library.

The cold air nips at me as I make the short trek to the library, and I shove my hands in my pockets to keep them warm. As I rush toward the door with the promise of being warm soon, I ask myself—not for the first time—why I chose to stay in Michigan for college when I had so many other options. The answer is the same as always. Family.

My family is a close-knit bunch. The kind that gets together whenever we can and calls each other constantly. The meet up once a week for family dinner type. So, choosing a university only an hour away from home was the obvious choice. And when my sister started attending GSU with me, I was beyond grateful I decided to stay close to home. Who else is going to protect her from fuckhead college boys?

I’m the overly protective type, I’m aware of that, but it’s important to stand up for those close to you. Especially if that person struggles to do it for themselves. I might be quiet and keep a low profile for the most part, but I have no issues telling people off when I know something is wrong.

Everyone has their struggles. Mine are the insecurities that stem from my confusion about who I am.

It wasn’t until my second year here at GSU—when I confessed to a fellow athlete that I was a virgin and didn’t understand the appeal of sex—that I found out about the asexual spectrum. He introduced me to a friend of his, Rio, who is demisexual and took me under his wing, teaching me things I had no idea about. To say my mind was blown would be an understatement.

Ever since I found out that I’m not alone and there are a lot of people like me, things have changed internally for me. I’m no longer beating myself up for things I can’t change and I don’t feel as lonely. I’ve come a long way at accepting myself for who I am. I’m not broken like I once believed, although I still haven’t been able to put myself out there yet. I do want to date and find a partner, but I’m scared to. I’m still not entirely sure where I fall on the asexual spectrum and I’m worried that I would let a partner down.

Because of my insecurities, I still put on a fake persona when I’m around my teammates and act like I’m some big player, fucking all the girls on campus. When in reality, I’m just nice to the girls and am a listening ear that a lot of them don’t have. I also don’t even know if I’m gay, straight, bi, or pan, but it’s not exactly easy to figure that out when you don’t date.

I crave that emotional connection with a person, but I know the sex aspect will fuck everything up. No one wants to be in a strictly emotional relationship. At least not forever. And what if I never want sex? Who’s going to want that? Another person on the asexual spectrum would probably love that, but how am I going to meet them when I’m terrified to put myself out there?

Right now, none of that really matters anyway because I’m focused on finishing university and making my last season on the GSU baseball team the best one yet. After that I’m hoping to get drafted for the MLB. According to statistics, I should be a shoe-in, but everyone knows that statistics and reality can be two completely different things.

If I want to live my dream of being a professional baseball player, then I need to make sure my grades stay up and that this season goes off without a hitch. I don’t have time for distractions or relationships.

When I finally get inside the library, I let out a sigh of relief as the warm air hits my face and instantly starts to warm me up.

My phone vibrates in my pocket as I make my way to the staircase so I can head to the second floor where Eliza and I agreed to meet. It buzzes a couple more times before I have a chance to pull it out, and I can’t help but smile at the multiple texts from my tutor who also happens to be a close friend.

Eliza: Running behind.

Eliza: My dog threw up a bunch of times.

Eliza: *picture of dog throw up*

Eliza: My parents really need to get back from their vacation and take Peggy back home.

Eliza: This bitch is lucky she’s cute.

Eliza: *picture of Peggy*

Eliza: Anyway… I’ll be there as soon as I can.

Eliza: Find us a table and start studying.

I chuckle as I take the stairs two at a time easily thanks to my long ass legs and begin to look for an open table.

As I’m searching for a place for me and Eliza to study, my eyes land on a person who is talking animatedly to a group of people in an area of the library that allows people to talk more freely and not have to whisper. They have a giant smile on their face as they tell the group something that has everyone laughing. Their pouty lips are covered in a bright red shade of lipstick and their prominent cheekbones glisten when the light catches it in the right way. I think my sister called that stuff highlighter. The long black slip dress that they are wearing clings to their small frame and when they throw their head back laughing, I catch a glimpse of an Adams apple.

Even with that information it still feels wrong to refer to this person with gendered terms. Partly because I’ve stopped using gendered terms for people I don’t know until they tell me differently, but also partly because one specific gender doesn’t seem to fit this person.

I know I’m staring at this person for too long but for some reason, I can’t look away. I’m transfixed by their beauty and outgoing personality. They look so full of life, and it’s drawing me in. I couldn’t take my eyes off of them if I wanted to. I have no idea how long has passed when they look my way, and I avert my eyes, so they don’t know that I’ve been gawking at them like a crazy person.

With quick feet I walk in the opposite direction, hoping there is a free table.

My heart is racing as I rush away from the person who had me in a daze. Have I ever been that enamored by someone before? Have I ever completely froze in place and stared at a person I’ve never met before? I don’t think so, and I really don’t know why it happened tonight. Is it because the person is so different from the average person in my life, or is it something more? But what more could it be?

Thankfully, I find an empty table and drop my bag on the floor beside it before pulling out a chair and taking a seat.

What the hell is going on with me? I don’t gawk at people, and I don’t freeze in my tracks.

I give my head a shake and try to get my focus back on track. Grabbing my books out of my bag, I begin to study. But no matter how hard I try to stay focused on the task at hand though, my thoughts keep drifting to the beautiful person from earlier.

“Sorry I’m late,” Eliza says when she shows up and I wave her off.

“It’s not a big deal,” I assure her.

She sighs. “I know that you’re understanding, but it’s still ridiculously unprofessional to show up almost thirty minutes late,” she states, and I shrug.

“Honestly, Liza, it’s no big deal,” I repeat. “But if you want to repay me for your tardiness you can answer a completely non school related question for me.”

Her eyes light up with curiosity and she nods. “Go ahead.”

“Have you ever been completely transfixed by a person you simply walked by before?” I ask her and she tilts her head to the side.

“I think I need more information on this question,” she tells me, which makes sense because my question is completely out of left field.

“Like have you ever seen someone from a distance and been so enamored by them that you had to stop and stare?”

“Oh,” she says, finally understanding what I was asking then nods. “Absolutely. It happens all the time really. I’ll see a hot guy and stop to drool. Is that what you mean?”

I purse my lips and tilt my head from side to side. “Kind of,” I murmur. “It wasn’t really me thinking they were hot. It was that they just really caught my attention. I stood there staring at them for far too long and when they looked my way, I had to run away because I felt like an asshole.”

“You’re not an asshole,” she assures me, but it doesn’t make me feel better. “Tell me more about them and why they caught your attention,” she probes, and I sigh.

“Well, I’m not sure the person’s gender but they had this aurora about them that I can’t really explain. It drew me in. They captivated me in a way that I’ve never experienced before.”

“Were you staring at the person because you thought they were weird?” she questions, and I quickly shake my head.

“Absolutely not,” I respond without having to think about it. “I was in awe of them. Almost envious of how they seemed to be so authentic to themselves.”

Eliza smiles softly at me. “Then you’re not an asshole. Maybe next time just try to be more discreet about your staring so they don’t think you’re a bigoted prick.”

“Yeah, that makes sense,” I murmur.

“You could also talk to said person and get to know them,” she offers, causing my brows to shoot up and Eliza to giggle. “It wouldn’t kill you to make new friends,” she states, and I shake my head.

“I’ve got enough on my plate as it is,” I remind her. “Trying to form a new friendship isn’t something I have time for.”

I don’t necessarily have social anxiety but I’m also not the most outgoing person, and it takes me a while to open up to people. Honestly, I don’t open up to most people. I think the only reason I have the close friends that I do is because they are the outgoing type and don’t give up on me.

If the person that I saw earlier approached me, I wouldn’t turn them away, but I don’t see any reason why they would do that. Especially not if they think I’m a dick for staring at them like I did.

Eliza stares at me for a moment like she wants to push me, but eventually she shrugs and leans on the table. “I guess it’s time to study now,” she says, thankfully changing the subject. “Tell me what you’re struggling with.”

I give her the details of everything that is causing me a hard time in class, and she quickly works on a plan to make things easier, but my thoughts keep drifting to the person from earlier. Maybe I should approach them and strike up a conversation. For some reason, I’d really like to get to know them, but I don’t know why.