Chapter 29

29

T he fire crackled in the center of the clearing, casting long shadows over the group of men gathered around it. Finn sat in silence, staring into the flames as the whiskey bottle was passed from hand to hand.

A cracking of branches behind them indicated that Conor, Arran, and Rhys were nearby. The four brawn men walked up silently and joined the group. “The ladies are well. They ken we’ll be gone for a week.”

Cillian, Brian, and Kaiden grunted their greetings and passed the bottle upwards so their friends could join in taking a pull. Finn watched the fire and battled to keep thoughts of Thalia from entering his mind — like how the fire crackled when she stood in his chambers asking for his help and agreeing to give him a bairn.

He clicked his cheek and threw a handful of grass into the flames in frustration. His friends started chatting animatedly about their journey. They had just made a day’s ride North to meet them up near Arran’s lands to hunt for game.

What really happened, after Thalia left him in the corridor, was Finn mounted his horse, and rode North. Cillian had been the only one who knew where he would have gone.

He had planned to stay up here until any thoughts and feelings about Thalia had disappeared.

“So…” Conor began, breaking the low roll of conversation that had settled around them. The interjection had been directed at Finn, and he bristled.

“I willnae hear of it, Conor.”

“Ye are just sending her away then?”

“What?” Arran said, quickly looking a Finn, who had tightened his jaw. Nudging his friend with his elbow, he continued, “Finn, ye dinnae say that before. Sending her away?”

Finn snatched the bottle and took a swig silently.

Sending her away? What is he on about?

“I thought ye were mad for her,” Rhys said, his voice tinged with amusement. “Never seen ye look at a woman like that before, anyway.”

The others murmured their agreement, but Finn remained silent, staring at the fire.

Cillian, sitting across from him, chuckled. “Ye two were crazy for each other from that first day in the woods. Plain as the nose on your face.”

Finn clenched his jaw again, the memory of that day flashing through his mind. Thalia, fierce and unafraid, standing her ground against both of them. He had been drawn to her from the very beginning, no matter how hard he had tried to deny it.

“I ken that I made the right decision, but I will nae sit here and be accused of sending her away.” His voice was sharp.

“She deserves a choice,” he continued under his breath.

Silence fell over the group as they absorbed his words. Conor stiffened. None of them argued though Finn could feel their disbelief.

They dinnae understand; they couldnae understand.

Cillian and Brian were nodding their head in unison, and Finn locked his eyes on his friends.

Did they agree with me?

“She is your choice, Finn,” Kieran said, his voice cutting through the tension. “But ye are letting her go because ye think that it’s best. What if ye are wrong?”

He didn’t answer. He didn’t know how to explain the gnawing ache that had taken root in his chest since that night. He couldn’t tell them how empty he felt without her, how he left the castle because he was too afraid to be in his home without her in it. But letting her go was the only way to give her what she deserved.

“What do ye mean ‘a choice’?” Keiran said lowly, his voice rough.

Finn stared into the flames, feeling the heat of the fire on his skin, but it did nothing to warm the icy void inside him. His head fell between his shoulders, and he took a deep breath before saying, “I dinnae tell ye the truth.”

“Say again?” Rhys strained to clarify what he might have just heard.

Lifting his head, Finn looked each of them over before saying it again, “I lied to ye. All of ye.”

The silence fell over the group, and Finn continued. “I dinnae tell ye the full truth about Thalia and me.”

“What else is there? Ye told us about her uncle, her cousin sending her here, and saving her sisters,” Conor said.

Finn sighed. “I dinnae tell ye that it was all a lie.”

“What part?” Arran asked, and Finn locked eyes with Cillian who nodded his head.

Had he figured it all out as well?

“We made a deal. I would save her sisters from their uncle, and she would give me an heir.”

The silence was earth shattering, just as the high-pitched ringing started getting louder in his ears, Cillian broke the silence. “Finn, it stopped being just an arrangement long ago.”

So, he had figured it out, then.

“That’s nae true. She reminded me of the deal every chance she could.”

His words hung in the air, a confession that took the wind out of everyone. The crackling of the fire was the only sound that filled the silence, but it didn’t burn as hot as the tension settling among them.

Conor narrowed his eyes and leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees as he studied Finn. “An heir…” he repeated slowly, testing the words like they left a bad taste in his mouth. “Ye mean to tell me… all this time ye have been seeing her as some sort of convenient arrangement to fulfill your faither’s dying wish?”

The weight of Conor’s words was like a blow to Finn’s chest. He clenched his fists, knuckles turning white, as he fought to keep control. Only these men around him could ever speak to him like this without eliciting a violent reaction. These were his brothers, but even brothers fight sometimes.

“It was her choice,” he replied defensively. “She was the one who proposed it!”

Rhys shook his head and exhaled, half in disbelief, half in frustration. “Aye, maybe she did,” he muttered, his voice low, “but she’s nae just some lass ye can bargain with for a child, Finn. Ye ken that.”

Arran, who had been watching Finn closely the whole time, finally broke the silence again. “Finn, lad, we all ken ye better than ye think. I ken well enough about arrangements, and this has never been about an arrangement. Ye care for her, deeply, whether ye care to admit it or nae.”

Finn’s jaw tightened, and he turned away, staring into the flames again, willing them to burn away the doubt clawing at his mind. He had made this decision for her sake, to give her a way out so that she could have the freedom she deserved. But deep down, the thought of letting her go twisted something sharp inside him.

Kaiden finally spoke up. His voice was steady, thoughtful. “Maybe ye are trying to convince yourself that the deal was all it was, but that’s nae the truth. Thalia’s nae just some woman to bargain with. And ye are nae just some Laird looking for an heir. We all saw the way ye two act with each other and how ye looked at her, and her at ye.”

Brian nodded, his expression serious. “Ye are a fool if ye think ye can just tell her to leave and be done with it.”

Finn’s shoulders tensed, and he took another swig of whiskey, the burn doing little to quell the turmoil churning inside him. He had come here to escape, to rid his mind of her, but the truth was, no matter how far he rode, she followed him. Her voice, the memory of her touch, and her fire etched into his bones.

“What am I supposed to do? She doesnae deserve to be trapped.” His voice was hoarse, barely louder than the fire. “I cannae trap her in a life she dinnae want. She only agreed out of desperation of her circumstances.”

“Trap her?” Cillian scoffed, crossing his arms. “Ye have it all wrong, mate. She chose ye. She chose to fight alongside ye in that chapel. Ye think a woman like that would stay if she dinnae want to? That’s nae a weak lass. She could have left already if she wanted.”

Rhys laughed, shaking his head. “Finn, ye have been a stubborn bastard since the day we met, but this… This might be the thickest ye have ever been.”

“What are ye saying? Ye daenae agree with me? She proposed it because she was desperate. That’s the truth. She needed me to help her out of a situation, and I used her to fulfill me faither’s dying wish.”

“Who cares why she agreed? Who cares why she even proposed it?” Conor raised his voice, the questions dripping with sarcasm and exasperation. “What matters is she loves ye, ya daft fool.”

“Ye are pushing her away because ye are scared. Scared of what she makes ye feel. Ye would rather hide up here behind the pretense of an arrangement than face the fact that she’s already in your heart, and ye are in hers. Obviously.”

His friends had always seen through him, and tonight, they cut through his layers of pride and fear like they were made of sand. He felt exposed, and as much as he wanted to fight them, he knew they were right.

Arran leaned forward now, his voice even. “Ye think ye are giving her a choice, Finn, but what ye dinnae see if that ye are the one who needed to make a choice. Either ye let her go and live with that emptiness for the rest of your days, or ye fight for her — fight for the life ye both deserve.”

Finn remained silent, staring into the flames as their words echoed in his mind.

I thought I was doing what was right… I thought I made the right choice.

“Well, she’s left now, right?”

“She was still there before we left yesterday,” Conor said. “She was spending time with Nylah and Margot.

“Nylah told me that she was planning to leave before we got back.”

Finn bristled. She has made her choice.

“Ach!” he said, throwing his hands up. “See?”

“See what?” Kieran scoffed. “Ye are still wrong. Ye messed up.”

“She chose to leave.”

“Because ye told her to. Daenae ye see, lad? Ye took her choice away,” his friend explained. “By telling her to leave, ye made her decision for her.”

Finn scoffed and ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. “I dinnae make the choice for her. If she wanted to stay, she would.”

Rhys put a hand up. “Nay, Finn. Ye are wrong, and ye need to admit that ye messed up, so we can all pack up these things and get back to our women.”

It dawned on him that his friends had left their brides back at Crawford Castle to be with him. He hadn’t invited them, but he knew well enough that they would come to fetch him.

“Ye should go. I’d rather nae arrive to an empty and depressing castle.”

“Get up man!” Conor said loudly, his volume startling the others as he stood up. “Get up, pack up your kit, and let’s get moving! Let’s go!”

His friends all stood, one-by-one, and waited for him. He could feel their thoughts, Come on, ye daft fool. Come on, stand up ye stubborn bampot. Ye dobber, why arenae ye up already? Let’s move!

All of them remained silent, though, waiting for him to move.

The seconds dragged on, threatening to delay him even further, until finally, he pressed himself up.

“Are we going?” Cillian asked. “Or are ye going?”

The silence was thick, and no one dared to speak as they waited for Finn to confirm the plan. His eyes locked with Cillian’s as he said, “We’re going.”

The group mounted and rode back toward Crawford Castle. Their speed unmatched by any obstacle, and Finn led the way.

What if she’s gone?

What if she’s there?

What will I say?

Sorry. I’ll definitely apologize, but then what? Don’t leave?

He continued to think about it all for the entire trip home. The hour was late, and they all knew without exchanging words that they would be riding through the night and the next morning.

I hope she’s nae gone…