13. Lark

Chapter thirteen

Lark

For the second time in less than twelve hours, I find myself standing outside Dan’s apartment, nervous as heck. I lift my hand to knock and drop it back down at least three times. When my phone vibrates in my pocket, it startles me enough that I take a step back, grateful for the reprieve from the anxiety of what I’m about to do.

Until I read the message.

DAN: Are you planning on coming in any time soon, or should I go take a nap?

“Shit,” I mumble under my breath as his door opens, and the man in question is there, leaning against the door frame. With his arm over his head, his Mandalorian T-shirt has ridden up, revealing a sliver of skin above the waist of his jeans. My tongue darts out to moisten my lips, and of course, he catches me staring.

“Hey, Birdie.”

“Hi,” I whisper back, unable to stop staring at him. He looks different, somehow. More confident, maybe? Or perhaps I’m just seeing him differently now that Baron’s not in my life.

Dan pushes off the door frame and takes a step back, inclining his head inside. “I just ordered some pizza, are you gonna stay for dinner?”

How he’s able to act so casual when I’m tied up in knots, I do not know. And honestly, it leaves me even more confused as to how he feels about what happened this morning. Not that I was expecting him to grab me and pin me against the door to ravish me — although I’m not sure I’d stop him if he did — but this nonchalance is disconcerting.

I walk past him, just like I did this morning, only this time, he catches my hand as I go by. Turning to face him, I take in the raw, vulnerable hope written on his face.

“You’re not gonna run away again this time, are you?” he asks quietly, and I shake my head. He squeezes my hand, giving me a small smile, then drops it to head into the kitchen. Opening the fridge, he pulls out two beers, a lager for him and a fruity ale for me. Cracking the tops, he moves to the glass sliding doors that lead to his large heated patio. I trail after him, finding some comfort in these familiar actions.

We’ve had pizza and beer on this patio many times. But this time, everything’s changed.

I take the beer he hands me and settle down on one of the lounge chairs. I expect him to take the other, but he doesn’t. Instead, he sets his beer down on the same table as mine and crouches down next to me.

“Promise you’re not gonna run, no matter what happens next? ”

My head is already moving from side to side as I open my mouth to respond, but he doesn’t give me a chance to say a word.

His lips land on mine, soft and tentative at first, but quickly becoming more firm and sure. It’s a chaste kiss, sweet, even, but I feel it reverberate throughout my body, unlocking parts of me that were forced to stay quiet for too long.

He backs off too soon, and a whimper escapes me. But the look of pure satisfaction on Dan’s face soothes my disappointment.

“I’ve wanted to do that for years,” he says, his voice all gravelly and deep.

He straightens up and moves to the other chair, stretching out on it with a sigh. All I can do is watch him, shocked, curious, and more than a little turned on. But to my surprise, Dan leans back, closes his eyes, and just lies there with a smile.

“What —” I start to say, but he holds his hand up to stop me.

“Nope, we’re gonna talk, Birdie, but first, just give me a minute to soak this all in.”

His smug tone of voice is tinged with so much joy, I can’t help but smile in return. Settling back into my chair, I make myself relax under the warmth of the patio heater.

A hand brushes against the back of mine, fingers lightly grazing. I look over, but his eyes are still closed, and he’s just smiling up at the evening sky. But he keeps brushing his fingers back and forth across my hand.

I’m here, his action seems to say. I’ve always been here, waiting for you.

On his next pass, my hand reaches out and takes hold of his. I weave our fingers together for the first time, holding hands with him as maybe something more than just friends.

His eyes flutter open and he looks over at me, that little smile deepening. “So,” he says. “What was that all about this morning? Not that I’m complaining, in case that wasn’t clear, but I feel like I need to hear you tell me what it meant.” His hand tightens on mine ever so slightly. “You kissed me, Lark.”

I swallow down a sip of beer, reaching for the courage to vocalize what I need to say. Not that I feel like I need it, not anymore. I’m pretty sure I know how this is going to go. But that doesn’t fully erase the tiny kernel of fear deep inside me. Is this going to change everything? For the better or for the worse?

“Yeah, I did. And I’m sorry that I disappeared right after, but I didn’t come over this morning expecting to kiss you. It was… I don’t even know how to explain it. Something came over me, something instinctual and a little bit impulsive. I just knew in that second, I had to kiss you.”

He sits up and pivots, his feet coming to the floor. He braces his elbows on his knees, and leans over into my space, closing the distance between our two chairs. “I can understand that,” he says in a low voice. “I’ve been fighting that impulse for years.”

Dan’s confession warms me from the inside. Hearing him finally put it into words that he wants me.

“I know I was kind of oblivious, but I truly had no idea how you felt,” I say honestly, looking down at the amber bottle of beer in my hand. Beer that Dan keeps in his fridge just for me. The same way I know he has tampons under his bathroom sink and my favourite brand of licorice in his pantry. He’s been showing me how he feels in little ways since day one, and I missed it. “I think I had blinders on because of Baron. It seems everyone else knew how you felt about me, except for me.” I pick at the label on my beer and decide I need to ask the one thing I really want to know. “Why didn’t you say something sooner?”

His laugh is not a light one, and it’s not an amused one. It’s tinged with pain and regret, and I hate it.

“Come on, Birdie, what was I meant to do? Tell you that you should break up with the guy you had been with for years, long before you ever met me, and go out with me instead? Why the heck would I do that? You seemed happy, and I wasn’t about to break up something that was making you happy.”

Except I wasn’t happy . But I don’t tell him that. There’s no sense in adding to his regret.

“But now,” he says, his voice growing stronger. “Now, there’s nothing in my way. There’s nothing to come between us. You kissed me, and tonight, I kissed you. Does that mean as much to you as it does to me?”

I nod slowly, my lips curving up at the corners “It does. It means everything. But I have to be honest, Dan. I’m scared. You’re one of my closest friends, and I don’t know what I would ever do if I lost you. As much as I want to explore whatever this is going on between us, I can’t help but worry. What if it doesn’t work out? Not only do we work together, but…” I trail off. Of everything I’ve said tonight, what I’m about to say might be the hardest words to get out. My voice drops to a whisper, but I force myself to look him in the eye. “You could break my heart more than anybody else in this world.”

His hand lets go of mine, only to cup my cheek. Those beautiful brown eyes stare straight into mine and I feel like I can see to the depths of his soul. Everything he is, is laid bare.

“Lark, I swear to you, if you give me your heart, I will never do anything intentionally to hurt it. You mean more to me than anything, almost more than baseball.” He chuckles. “And I’ll do everything in my power to make sure we don’t regret it if we take things to the next level. I was prepared to only ever be your friend, and just because there’s now a chance of more doesn’t mean I’m going to risk losing you.”

I lean into his hand, turning slightly to press a kiss to his palm. His confident reassurance is like a soft blanket, soothing and settling my fears. Feeling brave, I push up from my lounge chair, and stand in front of him. For a moment, he just looks up at me, confused, until I give him a gentle smile. Realization dawns on him and he lies back on his chair, widening his legs, making room for me to sit and lean back against his chest.

His arms slowly move to circle me. “Is this okay?” he asks, sounding oddly tentative. I nod, and his hands settle on my body.

“You can breathe, Dan,” I say teasingly, and his chest rapidly rises and falls under me as he laughs.

“Right. Sorry.”

We lie like that for a minute, and I catalogue every sensation. His hard chest underneath me, the strength of his arms holding me, and something else growing firmer against the base of my spine.

I shift slightly, and he grunts.

“Sorry,” I whisper, secretly grinning to myself. It’s been a very, very long time since Baron and I had sex, and from the feel of things, Dan has got some fun equipment hiding under those jeans.

“No, I am. I can’t…I can’t control it around you.” Embarrassment tinges his tone and I shift, twisting slightly so I can look up at him.

“It’s okay,” I say quietly, covering his hands with mine. “I mean, I think I’d be more worried if you didn’t have some kind of a reaction.” I laugh nervously. “It’s been a long time since I…you know. And um, well, you’re not the only one whose body is thinking of moving faster than we probably should.”

Dan chokes out a pained laugh, and I frown. “What? Was that funny?”

“No, no.” He moves under me, and yeah, he’s packing. “It’s just, you say it’s been a long time.” I feel and hear his long, quiet exhale. “But I can promise you, it’s been longer for me.”

Confused, I don’t respond right away. “Long as in, a few months?” I eventually ask, laughing self-deprecatingly. “Because sad as it may sound, it’s been at least that long for me. Baron wasn’t exactly an enthusiastic guy in bed. And that is the last I’ll say about that.”

Dan makes a noise, a strange one, and when I once again twist to look at him, his cheeks are flushed and his gaze is darting all over the place. Everywhere but toward me.

“Dan?”

“Lark, I…I’m… Well, I’ve never…” His head falls back against the chair. “Shit.”

My brain struggles to comprehend, but then it clicks. Does he mean...

“Never?” I whisper.

He slowly shakes his head back and forth. “Nope. ”

“So you’re a…”

“I’m a virgin, Birdie.”

He says it quietly, calmly, and somewhat resignedly. Is he expecting me to be upset? I pull out of his arms and turn around to face him fully, crossing my legs so I can cup his face in my hands.

“Dan, there’s nothing wrong with that. Nothing. And I’m honoured you told me. Thank you for trusting me with that.”

His entire body seems to deflate with relief, and the sweetest little smile breaks free on his face. “That’s really fucking good to hear you say. And I trust you with my life, Lark.”

“Can I ask why?” I say, unable to hold the question back.

Dan just shrugs. “A bunch of reasons, but mostly, I never found anyone that I wanted to go there with.”

My stomach starts to sink until he reaches out and tucks my hair behind my ear, that sweet smile growing wider.

“Until I found you.”

Shock, warmth, anticipation, happiness, and instant lust all combine within me, until I feel like a puddle of emotion.

Me. I’m the one person this beautiful, strong, kind man wants. I’ve never felt this before.

Wanted.

Desired.

It’s almost enough to make me want to rip our clothes off and give myself to him. But no matter how amazing it is to know that’s how Dan feels, I won’t let us rush this.

But surely…another kiss or two isn’t rushing it?

I’m leaning forward when I hear him groan.

“Lark, we can’t. ”

I freeze. “Wh-what?”

His pained expression is the only thing that makes him stopping me any easier to accept. “You just, and I mean just ended a long-term, serious relationship. As much as I’m jumping up and down like a little kid on Christmas morning inside, I need to pump the brakes on this. I need you to be sure, really sure, that I’m who you want to be with. Because you say I could break your heart, well, same. You’ve had my heart for years, and you’re the only person who could destroy it.”

He’s right. I hate that he’s right, but he is. Moving too fast would be the worst idea.

“Okay, so friends.”

He nods. “Yeah, friends.”

I bite my lip, not sure if I should say the rest of what I’m thinking. But tonight has shown me I owe Dan honesty, above all else.

“Can we be friends who cuddle?”

This time the smile on his face is so big, it’s almost overwhelming. He grabs me, turns me around, and tucks me right back against his body. “Damn right we can be.”