12. Lark

Chapter twelve

Lark

Somehow, I keep it together until I pull my car into the parking lot of the Tridents stadium. Then, and only after making sure there’s no one around to witness my impending freak-out, I drop my head to the steering wheel, thunking it over and over again as I mutter under my breath, “What. Was. I. Thinking.”

Once my forehead starts to hurt, I stop beating myself up, physically, at least. Slumping back in my seat, I let my eyes fall closed, my mind instantly bringing up the image of Dan’s face after I pulled back from our kiss. Shock was written all over his features, from the rigid stance of his body to his blank expression.

It wasn’t the reaction of a man with romantic feelings. It was the reaction of a man stunned by what I did. And not necessarily in a good way.

I didn’t wait around to discuss what happened. Instead, I bolted from his apartment as if I was trying to outrun the devil. And maybe I was, if the devil is my impulsive decision to kiss my best guy friend just a few hours after breaking off my engagement .

I guess I drove on autopilot, coming to the stadium like this. I do have some work to do, a couple guys coming in for treatment, but not until later on.

But I climb out of my car anyway and slowly make my way into the facility. It’s drizzling, cold, and wet. Kind of fitting, given the way I feel. Like there’s a very real possibility I messed everything up.

Inside, the stadium is fairly quiet. Most of the offseason work happens up in the administrative offices. The lower level where the gym, locker rooms, and training facilities are located tends to be mostly empty with so many of the players not in the city right now. When I push open the doors to the therapy wing where we do all medical and rehab assessments and treatments, the Tridents’ head trainer Mattias is there, walking out with one of the second basemen, Ben.

“See you next week and remember to take it easy on that knee.”

“Will do.” Ben gives Mattias a nod and turns toward the door. “Oh, hey, Lark. How’s it going?”

I muster up what I hope is a believably calm smile. “Great, thanks. Have a good one, Ben.”

He leaves and Mattias turns to look at me over his shoulder as he types some notes into one of the tablets we use to keep track of treatment plans and progress. “Yo, Lark, you’re here early.”

I set my bag down and move to the coffee machine we installed last year to save us having to go to the cafeteria all the time. “Yeah, I figured I’d get a workout in, catch up on some notes.”

Lies. All lies .

But Mattias just nods. “Cool. Any word from the university yet?”

He submitted a reference on my behalf to the research team, but honestly? That is the last thing on my mind right now.

“No, nothing yet.”

“It’ll come soon,” he says. “Hey, I’m heading to Maura’s for lunch, want me to grab you a sandwich when I go?”

“Sure, that would be great, thanks.”

The mundane conversation does the trick of settling some of my freak-out nerves. Coffee in hand, I move into the smaller room where I have a table for when I need to do manual treatments. Setting my water bottle and coffee down on the small desk, I fire up my computer and check my emails and calendar for the day. Nothing new has cropped up, which means I’ve got some time. I could do what I told Mattias and go to the gym, but I need to talk to someone first, before I explode.

A few minutes later, I’m knocking on Willow’s office door.

“Hey girl, come on in.”

I walk in, close her door, and sink down onto a chair. “I did it. I ended things with Baron.”

The pen Willow was holding clatters to the desk. “Holy fuck, really?” She stands up, moving quickly around the desk to sit in the chair next to me, taking my hand. “That’s great, I’m so happy. Do you feel good about it? Relieved? Was it easy, or did he give you shit? Do we need to go beat him up?”

I choke out a laugh. “Yes, yes, sort of, no, and definitely not. He agreed, we weren’t doing it for the right reasons, and there was no real love between us. Honestly? The worst part was telling my parents. Did you know disappointment has a sound? It’s the huff-sigh combo my mother does that makes it clear she disapproves of my decisions.”

Willow winces. “Yeah, I’m familiar with the sound. Lydia had it down pat.” Her reference to her former boss makes a small smile break free.

“Lydia would have gotten along great with my mom and Baron’s.”

“Okay, so, he took it well and it’s done now. Why do you look so freaked out?”

I choke down a sip of coffee, feeling it burn my throat. “Um, well, see, I couldn’t get what you said at dinner the other night out of my head.”

Her eyebrows raise, and I drop my gaze to my lap.

“About what, exactly?”

“You know what.”

“About Monty? Oh Lark, what did you do?”

To her credit, she doesn’t sound worried or upset, just curious.

“I…kissed him.”

“Oh.”

My head slowly nods up and down. “Yup.”

“Well, what happened next?”

I force myself to lift my gaze and look morosely at Willow. “He was shocked, frozen. And I bolted.”

“Oh, Lark.” Willow leans forward, pulling me into a hug. “You just took him by surprise. Don’t think anything of it. The poor guy probably thought he was dreaming.”

“Or living a nightmare,” I say miserably, letting my fear come to light. “What if we’ve been reading him all wrong? What if there’s nothing there but friendship, and I just messed it all up with one stupid kiss?”

Willow pushes me away, holding my shoulders and shaking them gently. “Stop it right now, Lark Miller. Believe me when I say, Monty is in love with you. I think he has been for a long time, but he had no choice but to bury those feelings out of his respect for you. Now that things are different, you need to give him a chance to realize that. Did he know you had broken up with Baron before you kissed him?”

“Yes,” I say, then drop my gaze. “I told him right before I did it.”

Willow’s quiet laugh isn’t mocking in any way. “So he had zero time to adjust before you gave him the shock of his lifetime and made all of his dreams come true.”

I try to think of what happened from that perspective, and it’s easy to see how Willow could be right. I really did kind of blindside him, especially considering my radio silence between the night he brought me home from the restaurant and today.

“Okay.” I exhale. “I need to go and talk to him, don’t I?”

Willow stands up, moves back around her desk, and opens a drawer, pulling out the jar of Skittles Ronan keeps stocked for her. She offers it to me, and I take a handful.

“Yes, you do,” she says simply, tossing a few Skittles into her mouth. When she finishes chewing, she leans forward, and looks me straight in the eye. “But what are you going to say?”

My shoulders lift and fall, because ain’t that the question of the day. “Honestly? I have no idea. I just got out of a long-term relationship with a man I mistakenly thought I was going to marry. I’m hardly looking to jump straight into another relationship, if that’s even what Dan wants.”

Willow lets out a small laugh. “Trust me, that’s what he wants. But he won’t push you into something you’re not ready for. He’s not like that.”

“And that’s just it. It’s Dan. He’s the best man I know, no offense to Sin.”

Willow gives me a smile and nods her head. “None taken.”

I pop another Skittle into my mouth and continue. “But the idea of being with Dan doesn’t feel weird. Shouldn’t it feel weird this soon? Or is it just because I’m ridiculously horny and haven’t had sex in months?” I end with a groan, shifting forward to drop my head into my hands. “Willow, I’m a mess. I don’t know what I want or what to do or say or anything. Help.”

“Alright, girlfriend, let’s figure this out.” Willow adopts her take-charge voice, the one that can corral a locker room full of jocks that need to do press interviews. “First of all, do you have feelings for Monty that go beyond friendship?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t let myself ever really consider that,” I answer quietly, still looking at my hands. “Maybe? Probably? I think I could.”

“We’ll take that as a yes for now. But I think you’re right to not move quickly. Monty’s a special kind of guy, and I don’t think he would want you to jump into anything right away, either. So really, nothing has to change. You’re still friends, it’s just that now you’re friends who are free to explore whether there’s something more. Just…” She trails off, and I look up.

“Just what?”

Willow looks torn. “I love you, you’re one of my closest friends. But I care about him, too. So I’m sorry, but I have to say this, just know it doesn’t mean I’m picking sides or anything.”

I nod quickly. “Okay, what?”

“Be careful with his heart. We all know he’s a fun guy, friendly and outgoing and not afraid to be silly. But there’s more to him. You know that probably better than I do. His heart’s on the line just as much as yours is, so you have to be really clear and honest with each other about what’s going on. Which you can’t do unless you’re clear and honest with yourself. So figure out your feelings first, then go and talk to him. And maybe this time, hold off on the kissing until you’ve sorted out your head and your heart.”