Chapter Twenty-Five

LOGAN

"So things still going well with you and Ryan?"

It was early morning, and he and Oliver were in Oliver's office, waiting for Simon to arrive so they could begin their monthly recap. Logan sipped his coffee.

"They are."

Oliver took off his glasses. "But?"

"I didn't say but."

Oliver stretched out his long legs. "You don't have to. For the first time, you're in a relationship, and I'm sure it's different being with the same person day after day."

"Different, yes, but not unenjoyable. In fact, I'm beginning to understand the benefits."

"I'm sure you are." Oliver's eyes twinkled. "There's a lot to be said about taking the time to learn your partner's needs and wants."

"I know exactly what Ryan needs and wants. Me," Logan responded with a smirk. "He wants to go to school for social work. It's a good choice for I him, I think."

"I agree." Oliver was thoughtful. "His life experience will certainly help him relate to people."

"Exactly what I said."

"Exactly what you said about what?" Simon breezed into the office and sat opposite him. "Fill me in."

Logan didn't have the chance, as Ollie recapped their conversation for him. Simon nodded.

"He sounds like a man with a plan. That's a good thing. He's doing the right thing otherwise?"

Logan bristled. "Meaning?"

Simon wasn't the least put off by his warning growl.

"Meaning, is he keeping off the drugs and booze?"

"Yes, of course he is." Irritated, Logan snapped at his friend. "You sound as if you're waiting for him to fail, and I'm not liking that, Si."

Atypically solemn, Simon shook his head. "No, that's the last thing I want. But you also know how easy it is to relapse, and I'm concerned for him and for you."

"There's no need to be. Ryan isn't the same person he was the last time. He's driven and focused, and most importantly, he's taken full responsibility for his choices—good and bad. From the beginning you've doubted him, and it's pissing me off that no matter what he does, it's not good enough for you."

"I didn't say that. I want the best for him."

"And like I told Ollie, he's got that. Me." Logan's anger faded. "Look. I know what he's up against. But I learned my lesson from last time. I'm not his savior, and he's not hiding anything from me. Ryan's not Todd. He's stronger than I thought, and we're going to see this out to the end. Together."

"All I want is for you to be happy," Simon said, and Logan could finally answer him without a doubt.

"I am. Ryan getting a degree is the structure he needs. He really enjoys helping at the after-school center. You two ought to check it out. I plan on the firm making donations to its operations. And Ollie, I bet Alex would love to bring the kids there. It's not far from your apartment."

"Oh, yeah? I'll let her know to check it out. Maybe she can help out as well. Now that the girls are in school full-time, she's itching to use her degree again."

"I'm sure they could use a high-school teacher to help tutor. Ryan's become friendly with someone who's a school guidance counselor, and I think that's part of the reason he decided to take this course of action. I like that he wants to do more with his life."

"He's a go-getter," Simon agreed.

"I'll be there today to meet Ryan. Maybe Alex could come over, and we'll introduce her to Wanda, the director."

"Give me the address, and I'll text her," Oliver stated. "She can pick the kids up from school and go there after."

Logan repeated it and checked his watch. "I need to get going. I have a will to get out and some contracts to revise. How about we go over the monthly figures now?"

After they finished, he left but found Simon trailing after him. When they entered Logan's office, Simon shut the door behind him, and Logan faced him with an inquiring raise of his brows.

"Something wrong?"

"I feel like I need to apologize again. I'm sorry if you think I'm not being supportive of your relationship."

Logan took a seat behind his desk. "I'm not angry with you. I understand where you're coming from. In the beginning you were right to be cautious, and I appreciate you being a friend. But like I've said, Ryan's not the same person he was then."

"Neither are you. I never knew who you were before your brother died. We met so soon after you lost him, I've only known you grieving."

"That person was me. I lost who I was once Todd died, and I was content to be that way. Speaking to Noah at the clinic, and having Ryan, helped ease the suffocating darkness that losing Todd sucked me into. It's taken me twenty-eight years to get over his death, and despite knowing I'll never be the same without him, I'm finally enjoying my life."

"That's all we ever wanted to hear."

Logan gazed at Simon speculatively. "You know, everyone's so wrapped up in my life, I never asked about yours."

Simon made a face. "Mine?"

"Yes. Are you seeing anyone?" Logan watched his friend shift from foot to foot, uncharacteristically nervous, and he wondered why. Simon had always stated he had no desire to settle down. Ever. His parents' nasty divorce had turned him off monogamy, and he'd always appeared at any event with a different socialite on his arm.

"I'd better let you get to that work you said you had to get to."

Now he was convinced Simon was hiding something. "Don't be silly. Come on, Si. I've laid it on the line for you. So…?"

"No. I'm not seeing anyone. And I can't believe you're turning into one of those people who, now that you're coupled up, thinks everyone needs to be."

Logan put up his hands. "Whoa, hold up. I did not say that. Why are you so touchy?"

Simon huffed out a sigh. "Sorry. I spoke to my father last night, and he was getting on my case about not being married and carrying on the family name, blah, blah, blah."

Logan winced. "Ouch. That's unpleasant. I know your father is very opinionated."

"He's a bastard who only cares about his money."

"What're you going to do?" Logan asked. "Is he threatening you if you don't get married?"

Simon shrugged. "Our relationship is a series of continuous threats. I told him that he and my mother had set such a great example, I couldn't possibly ruin some poor woman's life, knowing that it would all turn to shit in the end."

It hurt Logan to see his friend so bitter. "It doesn't have to be that way. And no, I'm not talking about myself and Ryan because it's new, but Ollie and Alex have been together since college and married for almost fifteen years, and they still love each other."

But Simon ignored that. "I've got my own work to do, so I'll see you later. And maybe I'll come check out the after-school center with you. I could use another worthwhile place to give my money to that isn't my father's choice."

Simon didn't speak to his family often, but when he did, it took him several days to recover from the bitterness those conversations always brought to light. Spending time with the kids at the center would help him. Even Logan, who wasn't at all interested in children, except for Oliver's daughters, found it impossible not to feel good seeing their smiling faces. And Ryan was in his element, which made him happy.

His intercom buzzed.

"Yes?"

"Maverick Wilson is here with his agent about his contract."

"Send him in."

Time to get to work.

* * *

At nearly six that night, he pushed open the door to the center with Simon on his heels. Logan immediately spotted Ryan at a table with a boy around fourteen. Books lay spread out in front of them, and Ryan was talking and pointing to something on the page. The young boy nodded and wrote in his notebook. Logan spied Wanda and waved, and she bustled over with a beaming face.

"How are you? So nice to see you again."

"Same here." He took off his coat and hung it on the rack. "This is my friend and law partner, Simon Brown. Simon, this is Wanda, who runs this place."

"Good to meet you. Any friend of Logan and Ryan is a friend of ours."

"Simon is always looking for worthwhile causes to give his family money to, and I told him there's none better than what you're doing here. Keeping kids off the streets and away from guns and helping them with schoolwork."

"Why don't I give you a little tour?" She tucked her arm in Simon's, and Logan chuckled to himself as he left them to make his way across the center to Ryan.

"Hi, there. Doing some schoolwork?"

Ryan gazed up at him. "Yeah. Jack here is learning about the Industrial Revolution."

Logan made a face. "Not the most pleasant topic."

Jack shrugged. "We have a test next week. I've been coming here to study every day after school 'cause my mom has to work late at the store and doesn't want me home alone."

Ryan met Logan's eyes and nodded. "I told Wanda I'd stay until Jack could go home. I promised him pizza, and TJ was nice enough to offer to pick the pies up, so we're waiting for him. Do you mind? You can meet him, finally."

"Mind what? I love pizza."

The door opened, and Alex walked in. "Alex," he called out. "Over here."

She waved to him, and with the two girls in tow, crossed the room. "Hi, honey. Sorry I'm so late, but Haley had piano after school and then Jilly couldn't find her headband. But we're all sorted now."

He kissed her cool cheek. "Good. This is Ryan," he introduced them, and Alex gave him an effusive hug and kiss.

"I can't tell you how thrilled I am to finally meet you."

"I think you just did," Logan said dryly, and snickered when she swatted him.

"You be quiet. You'll have to tell me your schedule so we can all get together for dinner soon and really get to know each other." Her attention fell to Jack. "Hello. This is Haley and Jilly."

"Uh, I'm Jack."

"What grade are you in, Jack?"

"Tenth. I go to Beacon."

"Haley's in tenth grade too. I was a high-school teacher. What're you studying there?" Alex peered at his book. "Oh, the Industrial Revolution. You just finished that, didn't you, Haley?"

Logan hid a grin as Haley rolled her eyes. "Yes, Mom." She sat next to Jack. "We have the same textbook at Brearley. I can tell you what my teacher tested us on." Soon she and Jack were chatting away, and Jilly had found the arts-and-crafts section and was coloring. Alex took off her coat.

"What a wonderful place. I can't believe I've never heard of it."

Ryan explained its origins and purpose, and Simon returned with Wanda. He introduced Alex to Wanda, and they walked off, heads together in deep discussion.

"Logan was singing the praises of this center, and now I see why," Simon said, his gaze sweeping over the interior. "I told Wanda I'm happy to contribute, and I'm going to have a meeting with my financial adviser to set up something monthly for them, aside from the firm's donation."

"That's great. Thanks, Simon."

"And I hear you're going back to school. I think that's a good career choice for you. Congratulations, Ryan. You've really come a long way. You should be proud."

Logan slipped his arm around Ryan. "I agree."

"Pizza's here," a voice called out. "Sorry I'm late. I stopped and bought myself some soda. Can't have pizza without it."

Ryan took his hand. "Come on. TJ, I want you to meet my boyfriend, Logan, and his law partner Simon."

Logan turned…and his heart stopped. TJ's smile faded, and he stood motionless, holding pizzas and a bag with the six-packs of soda. The bag fell to the floor, and several soda cans opened and began to spray at TJ's feet, but he made no move to step out of the way. As if in slow motion, TJ set the pizzas on the table. Logan couldn't breathe or move.

Thick hair, totally gray, a face weathered and worn, but the eyes…the eyes . Logan had known those eyes his whole life. He saw them in his dreams every night.

"Todd?" His voice broke. Was that wobbly voice his? "TJ…Todd Jacob. I'm right, aren't I?"

Simon grabbed his shoulder. "Logan, what the hell are you saying?"

"What? TJ is Todd? Are you sure?" Ryan asked.

He didn't answer. Couldn't. Instead, he dropped Ryan's hand and closed the distance between them. TJ—Todd—stayed rooted in place, and their eyes locked. Logan's heart pounded so hard his chest hurt.

"Todd," he breathed. "Is it…it's you." He reached out and touched the scar on his cheek. "This. You got this when we played swordfights in the park and you fell off the rock."

"I didn't fall. I slipped." A sob broke free, and Todd covered his eyes.

Logan gripped the back of a chair. Alex had ushered the children away, and it was only the two of them, with a worried Ryan hovering in his periphery. This had to be a dream. But if it was, he didn't want to wake up. Todd wasn't dead. He was alive. Alive.

He and Todd continued to stare at each other. Logan wanted to hug him tight and yet hurt him for all the pain he'd caused.

"Why?" he pleaded. "Where were you all these years? Why did you leave and never come home?" A thousand other questions awaited on the tip of his tongue.

"I couldn't make my problems yours anymore. I wasn't worth a damn, so I ran away and let you think I was dead. It was better for everyone. The drugs…at first it was cool and exciting. I got tired of always being the good kid and wanted to break free of the monotony—go to school, do homework, spend time with the family. It was boredom…stupid, stupid boredom, and I guess I thought I was being a rebel. But the more drugs I did, the unhappier I got." He rubbed his face. "It was a rapidly accelerating treadmill I couldn't get off, and the faster I ran, the more out of control my life became."

Recalling what Ryan had told him, Logan could understand, but it didn't stop him from questioning Todd. "But letting us think you were dead? How could you think that was okay? All we wanted was to help you."

Grief settled in every line on his face. "I didn't see it that way. I knew I was being a burden and draining the life out of everyone. I thought if I left, it would be easier. You could forget about me…I couldn't keep hurting you and Mom and Dad." Agony clouded his eyes. "Are they…"

"They're gone," he said flatly. "Mom passed years ago—her heart. It's been two years since Dad. They never stopped grieving you."

Tears streamed down Todd's face. "And I didn't help their suffering. God, I missed you all so much. But I didn't think I was worthy of your love. Time after time, I kept screwing up. The only way I saw out of all the pain I caused was to leave. I changed my name from Todd to just TJ and got a fake ID—you can get anything in New York. I didn't want you all to find me and bail me out again. I was a screw-up. I was prepared to die."

A too-familiar story. Logan couldn't help but dart a glance at Ryan, who gave him a hesitant smile, but he knew it was too far for him to have heard what Todd had said. Logan focused on Todd and struggled to remember what Ryan had taught him about listening and hearing what people had to say. Instead of lashing out, he tempered his words.

"But you didn't. You just let us think that's what happened." He couldn't help his accusatory tone.

"I thought it was for the best. I got on a bus and went west. Still getting high. I stopped in several states, got odd jobs to keep up my habit, then ended up in Arizona. One night I was dying for something, anything, but I didn't have enough cash. I tried to rob someone. I didn't know it was a member of a gang. He shot me and left me on the street to die. It was the lowest point of my life. I lay there, my face pressed to the cold concrete, feeling the blood pour out of me, and all of a sudden I wanted to live. I thought it was too late, but an ambulance came and took me to the hospital. They stitched me up and saved my life. While I recovered, an addiction counselor visited and asked me if I wanted to go to rehab. I figured why the hell not? I had nothing—no place to stay, no family. Whether I lived or died was solely up to me. It took two years and a couple of relapses along the way, but I did it. I credit Ariella."

"Who's that?"

The hard lines of Todd's face softened. "My wife. She knows my whole story—knows I'm Todd. You also have a nephew. I named him Charlie, after Grandpa Chaim." He pulled out his phone and brought up a photo of a brown-haired woman with soft eyes, holding the hand of a boy around ten. "Remember King Arthur of the Round Table? I've started reading the stories to Charlie, and he loves them as much as we did."

Logan's vision blurred, and he blinked. "He looks just like you did at that age."

"Before I screwed up my life." Todd's shoulders slumped.

"How could you think it was better to let us think you were dead?" Logan had to ask because none of it made sense. "Do you know Mom cried every night? I swear she died of a broken heart." Todd paled, and the tears trickled down his face, but Logan couldn't stop. "Even a card…just to let us know you were alive." It was unfathomable to him that Todd had simply walked out of their lives without imagining the devastation he left behind.

"I thought it would be better—for you especially. Mom and Dad were so wrapped up in my problems, they were ignoring you. Once I disappeared, they could concentrate on you."

"They never ignored me. But I missed you. I loved you so damn much, and you just forgot about me," he whispered.

Did he sound like that wounded, broken little boy left behind? Perhaps he was because the pain in his chest was almost too great to bear. Maybe it was his heart breaking again, when it had finally begun to heal.

"I didn't forget about you. I left because I didn't love myself enough and couldn't love you the right way. Going to rehab, getting clean and making a new life…it all had to be done to find myself again. But at the time, I didn't know anything else except wanting to get high."

"How long have you been in the city?"

Todd's gaze dropped. "About six months. After rehab I went to college, got my master's, and Ariella and I got married. We had Charlie about two years later. I was a school guidance counselor. Ariella is originally from New Jersey and missed the East Coast, so we talked about it, and she thought it was time I came back. She has a great job in a hospital, and I'm working for the city."

Logan had to ask. "Were you ever going to get in touch with me? Or just continue to let me think you were dead?"

"I looked you up every year to see how you were doing. I saw you became a successful lawyer." Todd's mouth drooped. "I figured you didn't need a former drug-addict brother weighing you down. You were better off without me."

"You had no right to make that decision for me. I wasn't better off. I wanted my big brother. I was lonely, miserable. After you left, I'd come home from school and walk around the neighborhood, thinking maybe I'd find you. When I went to college and law school, I'd look for you in the crowds I'd pass on the street. For years, every single place I'd go, I'd search strangers' faces, thinking maybe, maybe that day would be the one where I'd find you. I even hired a detective to look for you. You're my brother. I never stopped loving you."

"And you and Ryan? He said you're his boyfriend."

For the first time, Logan smiled. "Yeah. But I almost screwed that up because at first I smothered him. I didn't trust him. All I could think of was you. I thought if I could give him everything and make it easy for him, maybe he'd stay."

Ryan came to him and held him close. "All I want is you. Everything is nothing without you at my side."

True happiness brightened Todd's face. "I'm glad you have someone. From working with Ryan, I can tell he's a caring, loving person."

"He is." Logan held him tighter. "I just had to allow myself to be happy. It's not easy. I blamed myself for your death, thinking I should've tried harder."

"I'm sorry." Anguish clouded Todd's eyes, and he pressed his hands to his face. "I'm so sorry, Logan. I understand it might be too early to think of reconciliation, but maybe…maybe you can forgive me?"

"I'm not sure I can give you an answer right now. I'm a little overwhelmed." Shoulders slumped, he let Ryan lead him to the side. Simon waited there with anxious eyes.

"Are you okay?" Simon took him by the shoulders.

"I don't know," he said honestly. "I want to grab him and hug him, but also…I want to scream and yell at him that he caused us all so much pain."

He watched Todd bend to pick up the ruined soda cans and place them on the table.

"Ryan, Logan."

Ash Davis came over with his husband, Drew, and their grandmother. Logan's stomach clenched. The last thing he needed was a cheery group chat.

"I'm not in the mood right now. I'm sorry."

"Is everything all right, Mr. Silver?" Esther asked. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

"I did. TJ who works here…he's Todd. My brother." He shook his head and gave a short explanation of what happened. Oddly, Ash paled, and Drew took his hand. Esther put her hand to her mouth.

"Oh, dear God."

"I know it sounds unbelievable, but…" He shrugged.

"It doesn't." Ash looked grim. "Trust me."

"It wouldn't be the first time this center has seen miracles," Esther declared. "How wonderful for you."

"I'm not sure I can forgive him for leaving us the way he did. He hurt my parents, me…it's complicated." Logan sneaked a quick peek at Todd, who was on his phone, shoulders hunched. Probably talking to his wife. He wondered what Todd had told her.

"Imagine how your brother felt, knowing he had a family left behind, but didn't feel he had the right to see them."

"But he made that choice. He could've stayed, and we would've helped him."

Ryan put a hand on his arm. "I think you know by now the truth isn't so simple. Not as Todd saw it. I imagine he's lived with tons of regret all these years, thinking he had no choice at all. Not in his mind."

Esther placed herself in front of him. "Mr. Silver, I've lived a very long time and seen many, many things. Some terrible, but many more wonderful. One of the joys of my life was when Asher found his brothers here, in this very space, after searching for many years. It was something none of them believed possible. Their healing took time and a lot of hard work, but they're a family now."

He opened his mouth to speak, but she continued.

"You had everything—your home, parents, friends. Love and stability. Todd gave it all up, choosing to live alone rather than put you through hell and back over his addiction. Yes, he hurt you, but you have the chance to regain the joy you lost and never thought you'd find again."

"My grandmother is a very wise woman, Logan. You should listen to her." Ash's demeanor was somber.

"I'm an old woman. He doesn't have to listen to me."

Logan recognized the hope in her eyes and chuckled. "Esther, I think those who don't, soon discover how foolish they are."

Her smile was sweet. "I can only imagine that if your parents were still alive, they'd be beside themselves with joy to know their beloved son was alive and had come home."

It was so overwhelming, Logan could barely stand on his feet. He wanted to sink to the floor, curl up in a ball, and wish the world away.

"What're you going to do?" Ryan touched his arm.

Todd had finished his phone call but remained at the table, head in his hands. Without answering, Logan left the small group and sat next to his brother. Todd met his gaze.

"I spent my whole life since you disappeared thinking you were dead, wishing there was something I could've done differently, dreaming up scenarios in my head of what I'd say to you if I ever found you. Now you're here, and I'm at a loss to express how I feel. It's a tragedy that we lost so much time, but there are only two choices as I see it: either I hold a grudge that you left and send you away, or I try to understand the crisis you were in and get my brother back."

Todd wiped his eyes. "I know which one I'd choose."

"There's so much joy inside me that you're alive, yet sadness that Mom and Dad aren't here to share it. But do you remember what they always said when we were young? We have to stick together. Because we're family. I love you, Todd."

They hugged, and Todd murmured in his shoulder, "I love you too."

Those castles in the air were no longer a dream, but reality. A foundation he could build the rest of his life on. A life now filled with love.