Chapter Sixteen

RYAN

They might have kissed and flirted, but it felt strange talking to Logan regularly, yet at the same time, it was as natural as breathing. Logan's work commitments prevented them from seeing each other since he'd stayed over, but in an unspoken agreement, they'd taken to randomly texting each other during the day, and FaceTiming occasionally at night. If his phone dinged and it was a text from Logan, Ryan's heart gave a little happy bounce. It might be silly for someone his age, but Ryan imagined that was what a first crush must feel like. He'd never dated when he was a teenager, and with Garrett, he'd approached their relationship in a cold, calculated way, which he now regretted.

Ryan took a bottle of flavored club soda and opened his laptop. The news played in the background, and he scrolled through his emails. He saw an ad for Remi Angel's upcoming memoir, and it reminded him again that he owed Garrett a face-to-face apology.

A FaceTime request came in from Logan, and he hit the button. "Hi. How was your day?"

Logan made a face and pulled off his tie. "Awful. I just got home. Some bar association dinner, then speeches…you know how it goes." A pang hit Ryan's heart, and it must've shown on his face, as Logan winced. "Shit. I'm sorry. That was cruel. I didn't mean it."

He straightened his shoulders. "No. It's okay. You didn't say it to be malicious. And yeah, I remember." His eyes danced. "Bunch of pompous blowhards. Present company excluded, of course."

Yawning, Logan scratched his head. "You know it. How was your day?"

"Good. I'm really enjoying meeting the people and talking to them. It's an incredible resource for the community. I wish I'd had a place like that to turn to when I was kicked out. They're saving lives."

"I'm glad you've found something so important to you. And you're still talking to Dr. Tash?"

"It means a lot. Much more than the legal contracts I used to work on." He grinned. "No offense. And yeah, I talk to him."

"None taken. I've ended many days at the office with my eyes crossed from staring at the screen too long. Did you have dinner yet?"

"Yeah, some pasta and vegetables. What about you? Did they give you a meal?"

Logan made a gagging sound. "Rubbery chicken and overcooked vegetables. I'm starving." He waggled his brows. "Too bad you're so far away, or I'd try to entice you to come over and cook for me."

Ryan snorted. "Get real. At ten o'clock at night, all I'm ready for is bed."

"Spoilsport." Logan pouted and Ryan snickered, then became serious.

"I was thinking…I need to talk to Garrett. It's time."

Busy stuffing grapes into his mouth, Logan stopped, looking like a chipmunk with his cheeks bulging. "That's good." He chewed. "I agree."

At least that was what Ryan thought Logan said in between chewing, so he continued. "Yeah. It's been too long, and it's hanging over my head. I'm going to text him."

"You want me to come with you? For moral support?"

"That's sweet, but I should do this on my own."

Admiration shone from Logan's eyes. "All right. It'll be okay."

"I think so. Garrett's moved on, and he's happy. This is more for me than him. In fact, I'm going to reach out now and try to set something up."

He sent Garrett a quick message: Would you be willing to meet me to talk?

"All right. Let me know how it goes. Talk to you tomorrow."

"Wait," he called out, and Logan cocked his head.

"Something wrong?"

"What are we doing here?"

A cocky grin curved Logan's lips. "Talking?"

"You are so annoying," Ryan groaned. "Come on. You know what I mean. Are we dating?"

"I don't know." Logan propped his chin in his hand. "I've never dated before. You tell me."

Talking to Logan was as frustrating as trying to wiggle into a too-tight pair of jeans. "You're something else. Good night."

Logan wiggled his fingers. "Night. And Ry?"

About to click off, he paused. "Yeah?"

"Sweet dreams."

With a wink, Logan ended the FaceTime, and Ryan shut the computer. After that kiss they'd shared, his dreams had been anything but sweet. He couldn't stop imagining Logan naked and touching him. Kissing him. There were times he woke up from dreams so vividly erotic, he hoped Emerson didn't hear his moans as he finished himself off. In all honesty, not seeing Logan these past weeks was for the best. It wouldn't take much to persuade Ryan to fall into bed with him, and he was determined to remain steadfast in his refusal. For now.

But God, the nights were lonely. He'd listen as the men at the clinic talked about their husbands and families, and an ache would rise inside him. Wanting that peace and sense of place with someone. Knowing he was going home to a sofa bed and another night of staring at the television, thinking about Logan.

As it was, his showers were fast becoming his favorite part of the day. It was where he fantasized about Logan. He might've been flying high the night of their hookup at the Marquee, but that kiss they'd shared a few weeks back had been with a clear mind and a heart open and yearning. He'd forgotten the pleasure of another man's touch. His lips tingled at the memory.

Desire slammed through him, and his breathing grew short. No one had ever turned him on like Logan Silver. Ryan left his phone and computer on the couch, went into the bathroom, stripped quickly, and turned on the taps. With the steamy water cascading over his head, Ryan poured the slippery shower gel into his palm and gripped his aching cock. He pictured Logan on his knees, dark head bobbing up and down, swallowing his cock. Those full lips and that slick tongue licking him, cocky mouth stuffed full as he sucked his shaft and those long fingers played with his ass.

Ryan's eyelids fluttered, his vision blurred, and he groaned as he jerked off harder and harder. Legs spread for balance, his hips rolled and he came, spurting hot and heavy between his fingers.

"Fuck." Chest heaving, Ryan needed a moment to gather his wits and braced his hands on the tiled wall. He turned off the tap, dried himself, and dressed in sweat pants and a T-shirt.

He'd just sat on the couch when the door to Emerson's bedroom opened, and he poked his head out. "Are you finished?"

"Yeah, why?" Heat rushed through him. Had Emerson heard him in the shower?

"Just wanted to get a snack, but I didn't want to disturb you when you were talking to Logan."

Ryan's brow furrowed. "You don't have to stay in your room. This is your apartment."

Emerson grabbed a bag of chips off the counter and opened a can of soda from the refrigerator. "I know, but I wanted to give you some privacy." He put the chips on the coffee table between them and sat across from Ryan. "You two seem to be getting along better now."

"We are. Both of us have changed."

"I understand you have, but how has he?" Emerson crunched some chips.

Ryan took a few seconds to respond. "I think he's finally willing to let me do this my way, regardless of right or wrong as he sees it."

"That's good." Emerson shifted in his chair. "Are you going to move back in with him?"

"No. I need to find my own way and do this myself. I can't spend my life on your couch, but I'm not going to live with Logan again."

"Oh, good." Emerson sounded relieved. "I mean, I want you to have independence, but I really do like having you here."

Ryan felt sorry for Emerson, who rarely left the apartment aside from his sobriety meetings. Even if Ryan suggested a walk or going out shopping, Emerson made an excuse to stay inside. "I'm happy to stay as long as you want me to, but eventually I'll move into my own place, once I have enough money saved and job stability."

Looking forlorn, like a kicked puppy, Emerson shrugged. "Yeah, I know."

His phone buzzed, and his nerves zipped. The text was from Garrett.

Hi. Sure. I'm willing to talk. I can meet you any day after school, starting at 4:30.

Ryan's heart hammered. He was going to do this. He had to.

I don't get off work until 5:30, but I'm in Brooklyn. We could meet near you.

Sounds good. I'll let you know when and where.

"Bad news?" Emerson inquired.

"No. Just the opposite." As he explained, Emerson's eyes grew wide.

"Wow. Are you nervous?"

Was he? Ryan thought for a moment. "I'm not worried about Garrett forgiving me. Knowing him, he'll be happy I'm getting my life together. But I did hurt him badly, so I want to get it right."

"You will."

* * *

Several days later, Ryan walked into a coffee shop on Livingston Street in downtown Brooklyn and spotted Garrett sitting in a booth with a cup of coffee before him. Ignoring the flutter of fear in his chest, he crossed the restaurant to join him.

"Hi."

Garrett glanced up, and there was no anger in his eyes. They were as gentle as ever. "Hi, come and sit."

He slid into the bench seat. "Thanks for agreeing to see me. I know you didn't have to, especially the way I've treated you."

"I'm not here to hold a grudge. I don't think that serves any purpose."

"Thanks."

An awkward silence fell over them. Incredible to think they'd been married and spent over a decade together, and now Garrett was almost a stranger to him.

A server appeared, holding a pot of coffee, and after he filled their cups, Ryan ordered a corn muffin.

"So, uh, I've been clean now—totally clean—for over four months. For the first time since I was sixteen."

Garrett's brows shot high. "So in college…"

"Yeah." He nodded and slid his hands around the coffee cup, soaking in the warmth. "Even when I was in college, law school, every day, I was either drinking or taking something. I'm sorry I lied. I know it was a big trigger for you, and that it was a mistake, but I couldn't tell you."

"Because?" Garrett prodded, and Ryan flushed with shame.

"Because I didn't want to lose you. I did like you in the beginning, but…can I tell you the truth? You might end up hating me after, but I feel I have to be honest."

Garrett met his eyes with steely determination. "Then tell me."

"I never really loved you. I liked you a lot, but I wasn't in love with you." His voice dropped to a near whisper. "I asked you to marry me because I found out about your trust fund."

"I know. I figured that out after the divorce, and I'm not angry with you anymore."

"Yeah?" He sniffled and breathed deep, hoping to settle his galloping heart. "You're way too nice. I'm not sure I could be if I were in your shoes."

"I'm not a saint. I am pissed you used me and that I was too dumb to see it—"

"Not dumb," Ryan interjected. "You're anything but. I took advantage of your good nature and the fact that I was your first."

Garrett blushed, but his gaze remained steady. "I wasn't for you, though, right? Even though you said we were virgins together? You lied to me about that too."

He sighed. "Yeah, but only because the others who came before you were business. If you know what I mean."

Garrett paled, and his jaw dropped. "Ry…I-I…"

A fresh wave of humiliation crashed over him. "Don't," he snapped, then gentled his tone. None of this was Garrett's fault. Maybe, if Ryan dug deep enough, he could justify it wasn't his either, but he wasn't there to give himself absolution. "Sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you. I just can't stand pity. And no, I'm not going to get into it. It's my past, and it's going to stay that way. I had my reasons at the time, but…anyway, I didn't come here to make excuses for myself. I wanted to tell you how sorry I was for lying to you and marrying you for the wrong reasons. I'm sorry for the hateful things I said about you being Jewish. I was wrong, and I'm trying to become a better person now. You're a great guy, and Remi is lucky to have you."

At the mention of Remi's name, a sweet smile curved Garrett's lips. "Both Remi and I are lucky to have each other. As for everything else, I'm glad you've gotten help and you're clean and sober. I don't hate you, but I was angry for a very long time. What I learned is that it's not productive to hold on to that kind of anger because it kept me in a dark place and I couldn't move forward. Once I let it go, I was free."

"I envy you." Ryan couldn't imagine he'd ever be free from his past.

"Don't measure your happiness in life against anyone else's. That's a trap. I haven't seen you in a long time, but I can tell you're not the same person I used to know."

"How?" Funny, but Ryan felt the same as always on the inside. Unworthy of love, still uncertain where he stood in the world. All he'd done. All he'd lost.

"Your eyes. They're calm. When we were together, you were skittish, always looking around—past me, through me. Never at me. Like you were searching for something better. Now you're quiet. Your eyes are bright and light you up from within." Garrett finished his coffee. "I have to get home, but I'm glad we talked. I wish you only the best, Ryan. I hope you find happiness." He put a five-dollar bill on the table and left.

Ryan wondered if he'd ever see Garrett again. Watching him walk away was like closing the door on part of himself that no longer existed. But if that was the truth, who was he?

Alone. That's what you are, and that's what you always will be.

He sat for a few minutes, picking at his muffin, and his phone rang. Logan's number popped up on the screen.

"Hey."

"How'd it go? I figured I'd wait an hour to call you."

Warmth rushed through him. Maybe he was wrong, and he wasn't really alone.

"Better than expected. Or maybe not since I figured Garrett wouldn't hold a grudge."

"And you got to say everything you wanted to?"

"Yeah. And Garrett appreciated it."

"Want to meet for dinner?"

Much as he'd like to see Logan, he had little desire to go into the city and rehash the meeting. "I'm kind of tired. Rain check?"

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah. But the thought of sitting in a restaurant and making small talk gives me hives. I'm going to go home and pick up something on the way. I'll catch up with you tomorrow."

"All right." Logan sounded doubtful, but Ryan ended the call and paid his bill.

Like he told Logan he'd do, he stopped at his favorite takeout place for some scallion pancakes, an egg roll, and chicken in garlic sauce.

Emerson had already eaten by the time he arrived home, and was busy playing a video game. Ryan sat at the island and unpacked his meal.

"No worries about kissing anyone tonight," Emerson remarked.

"Want a scallion pancake? There's a bunch." He crunched on his egg roll.

"No thanks. I had a burger and fries already."

Ryan drank some water and watched Emerson blow shit up on the sixty-five-inch screen. The egg roll and scallion pancakes filled him up, as his stomach was still in knots from his meeting with Garrett, and he stood in the kitchen, debating whether to eat the chicken or save it for his lunch the next day, when the buzzer sounded.

"Are you expecting a delivery?" he called out over the sound of explosions.

Emerson shook his head, and Ryan hit the button to answer. "Hello?"

"Logan Silver to see you, Ryan," the doorman said.

Logan? Here? "Okay, send him up, thanks."

Figuring he needed to let Emerson know, Ryan tapped him on the shoulder, and the controller went flying.

"Sorry. Just wanted to let you know Logan's here. I didn't know he was coming."

"Uh, okay." Emerson saved his game and shut down the box. "I'll be out of your way in a sec."

"You don't have to leave. It's your apartment," Ryan started, but Emerson had already disappeared into his bedroom. The doorbell rang, and Ryan answered it. Logan leaned against the wall and held up a bag.

"I brought dinner." A charming, wicked grin tipped his lips.

"What? Why didn't you tell me you were coming?"

Logan sauntered inside. "I decided spur-of-the-moment. I'm alone, and you're alone, and that's stupid."

Ryan chuckled. "It is? I bought dinner—chicken and garlic sauce. I just finished the scallion pancakes and egg roll."

"Looks like we're on the same wavelength. I brought dumplings and spareribs." He set the bag on the kitchen island.

Ryan's nerves tingled at the glint in Logan's eyes. "Why are you really here?"

"Because I've heard the Chinese food is better on this side of the river?" Logan joked, but then his smile faded. "Seriously? I knew that meeting with Garrett was weighing on your mind, and I didn't think you should be alone."

In an instant, he was on the defensive. "Did you think I'd be so upset I might slip?"

Logan grabbed his arms and held him tight. "No. I care. And I thought you might need a friend to talk to."

"Oh." Feeling foolish, Ryan rested his cheek on Logan's. "Thank you. I'm not used to having someone to lean on."

"Now you do."

Three simple worlds that, as it turned out, weren't so simple after all. They could change his world.