Chapter Fifteen

LOGAN

He didn't like the hesitation in Ryan's face. Ryan was radiating vulnerability, and Logan was determined to soothe his nerves.

"I don't want you to think I'm only interested in you for sex. I would've thought I proved that already by the arrangement we had before you left."

Wary eyes met his. "Something I still don't understand. Why did you take me in and give me a place to stay without expecting anything in return?"

"I don't recall saying that. I'd hoped you'd learn to trust me and we could see if there was something worth pursuing."

Ryan's expression turned dubious. "That's not going to fly anymore. I know there has to be something else. If you're not going to share it with me, I don't see what we have to talk about."

As always with his past, Logan threw up roadblocks. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't lie to me," Ryan snapped, eyes flashing fire. "I may have lost my license, but I can still tell if something smells when I ask questions. And you stink."

Logan rubbed his face. The time of reckoning had come. If he didn't rip out his guts, Ryan would walk. And in the past months of being alone, Logan realized he wanted Ryan with him more than he wanted to hide the past. Gathering his thoughts, he stared at the floor.

"The person I mentioned before. The one I knew who was addicted. I had a brother. Todd. He was my hero, my best friend growing up. I loved him more than anything. Todd was the first person I told I was gay. I told our parents, and he was by my side from the beginning. But…" He gulped for air, as it was suddenly hard to breathe. "His first year of high school, he got hooked on drugs. He changed completely—only hung out with his friends, became moody and unpredictable. He never had time for me, and if I tried to talk to him, he lashed out."

"I'm sorry," Ryan whispered. "You never said you had a brother."

"I never speak about him. It's too painful. My entire childhood died the day he overdosed." Tears dripped down his face.

"Logan." Ryan gripped his arm. "It's okay."

"No. It'll never be okay." He pulled away from Ryan, hating the pity. "I wanted to help him, I tried to, but he ignored me. Our parents offered him everything—rehab, interventions…but nothing they did worked. He didn't care how much I cried or loved him."

"He died?"

He faced Ryan, whose devasted eyes mirrored the heartache Logan had carried alone for years. "The last time I saw him, he was in the hospital, hooked up to machines. He was so weak, so helpless. I begged him to get help. I didn't care that he'd said he hated me or that I was a pain in the ass. I wanted my brother back. I wanted him to get better. I don't even know if he heard me because he was so out of it."

"I'm sure he heard you and understood," Ryan murmured, but Logan knew those were nothing more than platitudes meant to soothe his soul.

"At some point in the evening, after we went home, he pulled out all the IVs and tubes, walked out of the hospital, and disappeared. My parents tried to find him, but you know better than anyone that if you don't want to be found, you won't be."

"So he could still be alive."

Logan shrugged. "It's doubtful. I hired detectives to look for him, but they came up empty. Todd was using so heavily, I can't imagine how he would survive. That was twenty-eight years ago, and not a day goes by that I don't miss him."

"So when you met me…"

"I saw Todd, all over again. And I couldn't let the same happen to you." He wiped his face. "I refused to let someone who had so much to live for, so much life inside him, throw it all away to sniff junk up his nose. I know I didn't do it the right way, and I should've told you why, but even after all these years, it hurts so damn much to talk about him. I just couldn't."

"It makes sense now." Ryan's soft voice flowed over him, a balm to his wounded soul. "Thank you for sharing your story with me. I'm so sorry that happened to you and your brother. And I understand how he must've felt and why he did what he did."

"You do? Maybe you can explain it to me, then. Because Todd had everything to live for, and he threw it all away," he said bitterly.

"That's your view. But I see it from Todd's side. Drugs made him feel powerful, maybe in control when he didn't have much say in his life. That's what happened with me. Plus, it was a way to help me forget how horrible my life was."

"I know your family turned you out when you were a teenager, but how did you survive?"

Ryan paled. "I should get going," he mumbled, starting to get up, but Logan clamped a hand on his arm.

"Please. I've told you the most devastating thing to happen to me. And I think you know I wouldn't judge you. At least I hope you do."

Ryan stood rigid under his touch, but then, to Logan's relief, he took his seat and stayed. "I haven't told anyone, not even Garrett. When we met, I glossed over my past because it was too ugly for someone like him."

Logan steeled himself for what he knew was not going to be pleasant for Ryan, but he was no one to judge. "I appreciate you telling me what you can." He slid his hand down Ryan's arm and took his hand. "Just so you know, I'm not going anywhere. No matter what you say to me."

Ryan trembled, tears glistening on his lashes. "The first few weeks after my parents threw me out, I crashed in people's garages because my friends closed their doors to me once they found out I was gay. I decided I had to get out of that town for good, but with no money, it was almost impossible." He licked his lips, and Logan's heart broke not only for Ryan, but for all the people like him and his brother who were so desperate, they had no choices left.

"I'm not here to judge you."

Ryan's laugh broke on a sob. "You don't need to. I'm damn good at doing that all on my own. I figured the best place to…do what needed to be done was at the truck stop five miles out on the highway. I just wanted to make enough money to get away. There were always truckers there for the night, looking for sex. So I closed my eyes and let them do what they wanted. Maybe I should've figured out something else because living with the knowledge of what I've done has been like a slow death. It haunts me."

"I'm so sorry. No one should have to go through that." Logan rubbed Ryan's back and wrapped his arms around him. "But you survived."

"Yeah. I waited until I made enough money to get a bus ticket to New York City. When I got here, I worked at whatever jobs I could get, still getting high when I could because it helped me forget my miserable life. I lived in shelters or sometimes slept in the park, and I spent my time at the library, reading and watching people. I knew the only way to live in the city was to make money, and that meant education. I'd always planned on going to college, so I saved every damn penny I made to go to school. When I had the chance, I took the College Boards and did well enough for a full-ride to a state university. That's when I met Garrett."

"And you thought all your problems were solved."

A deep-red flush covered Ryan's face. "I'm not proud of it. And I did really like him. I know he's a great person. I fucked up."

"He is, and you did. But I think you weren't in a position where you could accept you deserved someone like him, were you?"

Ryan hung his head. "I-I guess not. It's probably why I continued to get high. I figured it was all a dream that could come crashing down at any moment, so I might as well enjoy the ride. And I was right."

Logan touched Ryan's chin so their eyes met. "Are you sure about that? You're sober now, aren't you?"

"Yeah. I have been since I went upstate with Emerson."

"Count every damn day as a win. You can still have that dream." He brushed his lips to Ryan's, whose sigh of pleasure whispered along his face. "And I'd like to be part of it."

"Why? I've hurt you so much. All I've done is take from you."

"Nothing I haven't been willing to give. And I'm not done yet." Logan nuzzled in close. "Stay with me tonight." Ryan tensed, and Logan kissed his neck. "No pressure, I promise. I just want to wake up with you in the morning."

Ryan's steady, clear gaze probed him. "I'm not your project, Logan. I don't want to be someone you save or rescue."

"When I was young, I had dreams of being a fireman," Logan teased before turning serious. "Ry, look. I don't think of you as a project, and I'm sure as hell no savior. What I see is a person who sounds like he still doesn't know his worth. Some people only find beauty in perfection. I see beauty in the broken. The places where color bleeds outside the lines. Where cracks allow the sunlight to break through, throwing light where only darkness once lived. I want to help you get rid of the darkness."

"It helps to talk to you," Ryan admitted. "And I don't have as many black days as I used to."

"Good. Because I hope to be a friend, standing by your side while you figure it out. I believe in you." Lacing their fingers together, Logan tugged Ryan closer. "Stay the night? Please?" He ran his nose down Ryan's cheek. "I still have all your clothes."

"What? You do?" Ryan stared at him in astonishment. "I figured you'd dumped them as soon as I left."

Logan stared at their entwined fingers. "I planned to, but when it came time to call Goodwill…I couldn't do it. Maybe subconsciously I was always hoping for this moment. Please?"

"I'm still not sure," Ryan said, evidently still vacillating.

"Of what?"

"That you won't try and keep me in that protective bubble. Where it was only you and me and I was completely dependent on you for everything." Ryan frowned, and his brow puckered. "You did it because you didn't trust me."

Logan opened his mouth to deny it but snapped it shut, realizing he didn't want to lie. "You're right. I thought the less temptation the better, so I kept you all to myself, figuring I could shield you. Keep you from the harm waiting out there. I realize now that was the wrong move. I have to let you make your own way, and if that includes you stumbling and falling, then so be it."

Ryan's eyes glowed. "Thank you." He placed an impulsive kiss on Logan's lips and murmured, "And if I do, I won't mind you catching me. Sometimes."

"So you'll stay?" Logan's hopes rose. "I'll make sure you get up early enough to get to work on time."

Ryan nodded. "Okay. I just have to let Emerson know I won't be coming back tonight."

"I'll give you some privacy." Logan bounced up off the couch. "I'll have to get you some towels. Oh, and a new toothbrush. I did toss that."

He crossed the bedroom to the en suite bath and got out everything Ryan would need, including a new toothbrush his dentist had given him on his last visit. To his surprise, Ryan was standing in the middle of the bedroom, a grim expression on his handsome face. Logan's good mood faded.

"Uh-oh. I'm thinking you got an earful from your friend Emerson."

Ryan shrugged. "It's not important."

"If we're going to start over, then neither of us should keep secrets. Tell me. Or"—Logan patted the bed, and Ryan sat beside him—"let me guess. Emerson warned you about me. Said I wouldn't respect what you wanted and would make it all about me. I'd push you to sleep with me, and you'd give in too easily."

From Ryan's red face, Logan surmised he was correct.

"You know what I say? Fuck that. No one needs to know what's going on in our bedroom except the two of us."

"Even your partners?" Ryan pressed him. "Simon especially acts like he's pretty invested in what happens."

Logan's smile was wry. "He is, but Simon's always had an opinion on my personal life. He's one of my closest friends, so I cut him some slack, but the truth remains that neither he nor Oliver have any influence in what I do outside the office." Logan pinned Ryan with a direct gaze. "The same might be said for your new best friend, Jordan. He has a lot of opinions."

Ryan's skeptical expression cleared. "That he does. And yes, we've grown close because we have a common bond, but that's it. All Jordan and Emerson want is for me to stay clean and sober."

"So do I," Logan said fervently.

"I know. And for the first time, I'm surrounded by people who don't need to get high to be happy. These men have devoted their lives to helping others, and I'm trying to learn from them."

"You're not the same person you were." Logan regarded Ryan with newfound respect. "Something inside you has shifted."

"I think so. When I first started working at the clinic, it was just another job and a way to make money to get on my feet. But every day I see how they make a difference in people's lives, and though I'm only tangentially involved, I feel proud. I look forward to each day now." Ryan gazed downward. "Plus, I can admit I was wrong about not needing help. It's been good talking to Dr. Tash. He makes me feel like I can still accomplish something good."

Logan recalled the soft-spoken man from their meeting at the clinic. "He seems like someone you can trust."

"I think he is."

Logan took Ryan's hand in his. "I hope you know you can trust me too."

"I do, but first, I need to learn to trust myself."