Chapter 18

Eighteen

“ I think it’s going to become a real marriage,” Cherie gushed, as she and Minerva walked arm-in-arm down the Serpentine. “I know it, Minerva! It’s going to become everything my mother wanted for me.”

It was a beautiful day, and the clear skies and bright sun seemed to match Cherie’s mood perfectly. She hadn’t felt this optimistic in a long time, and she hadn’t been able to contain herself, which is why the moment she’d awoken she had sent a note to Minerva to meet her for a promenade.

“I just can’t believe that this whole time you weren’t in a real marriage,” Minerva said, her expression still a bit perplexed, as it had been ever since Cherie had confessed everything to her about her marriage and the kiss the night before that had changed everything. “And I truly can’t believe that you didn’t tell me.”

“I’m sorry, dearest,” Cherie said, squeezing her friend’s arm and drawing her closer. “But it wasn’t anything to do with not trusting you. I was just ashamed. I’d been forced to marry a man who didn’t love me, and on top of that, who didn’t want to have children with me.”

“Oh, Cherie…” Minerva gave her a long, searching look. “I’m so very sorry. I can only imagine how awful that must have been, to think that the rest of your life would be without children, without love.” She trailed off, her expression growing even darker.

“I am surprised, though,” she said after a moment. “From the way that the duke behaves with you, I was sure that he was very much in love with you.”

“I wonder now,” Cherie said. She thought back over everything that had happened since Thomas had caught her outside of the inn “There were definitely signs that his feelings were growing, I suppose.”

“Like when he came to Chastity’s rescue,” Minerva pointed out. “I had never seen a man so willing to go to bat for a friend of his wife’s. And when I saw how he defended you when Lord Dawson tried to attack you, I was convinced he was madly in love with you.”

“The more I know about Thomas, the more sure I am that he would have helped any young lady in Chastity’s position,” Cherie said. “But I also think back to how he reacted when Lord Dawson came at me and can see now that his feelings for me were not as platonic as he let on. And it isn’t just that. Minerva, he had feelings for me for years! He told me that he’d fallen for me when I was fifteen!”

“Yes, you mentioned that,” Minerva said, laughing slightly. “And to be honest, I always suspected as much. I didn’t meet him many times when we were children, but the few times I did, it was always clear to me that he was enamored with you.”

“Really?” Cherie gaped at her. “You never said anything!”

Minerva shrugged. “It never seemed important to mention.”

Cherie shook her head. This was one of those times when she felt as if she truly couldn’t understand her best friend’s brain. Minerva had never been the kind of person to moon after men or gossip about handsome gentlemen. Of course, she wouldn’t mention if she thought one was in love with Cherie. But Cherie wasn’t sure she minded this. If she had suspected Thomas’s feelings earlier, everything might have turned out differently.

Or maybe you would have been happily married to him much earlier .

“I always knew he was attentive,” she said slowly, “but I never suspected a thing. He was like an older brother to me, although even then, I knew that I was partial to him above all others. Whenever he visited I could hardly contain myself with joy. And after last night, it all makes sense. I think I may have had feelings for him all along and simply buried them deep down within me.”

Minerva raised an eyebrow. “And one kiss was enough to bring them to the surface?”

“It wasn’t an ordinary kiss,” Cherie said, then paused. “Not that I know what an ordinary kiss is.”

Both ladies laughed, then Minerva sobered.

“I’m truly happy for you, Cherie, if this means that things will change in your marriage for the better. But I just don’t want you to get your hopes up too much.”

“What do you mean?” Cherie asked swiftly, her body tensing with dread.

“I only mean that there was a reason the duke didn’t want a real marriage with you, or children, and that reason might not have changed.”

“But it has!” Cherie insisted. “He thought I didn’t have any feelings for him, that’s why he was distant with me. But now that he knows I feel the same way, things will be different.”

“Did he say that exactly, though?” Minerva asked thoughtfully. “Did you ask him exactly why he said he didn’t want children? Did he say, after your kiss, that he has changed his mind on this issue? On any of it?”

“Well, no,” Cherie said, biting her lip. She felt unfairly annoyed at Minerva for her words. Although she knew her friend was just trying to protect her, it still irritated her. “But Thomas and I shared the most magical kiss,” she insisted. “Of course, he has changed his mind about children and… all that.”

“Perhaps,” Minerva said, “but I think you should speak with him as soon as possible and make sure before you get your hopes crushed.”

Cherie felt so angry at her friend’s lack of support that she didn’t know what to say. They passed a group of debutantes they knew, politely nodding to them, and she took this as an excuse not to respond right away.

Minerva saw her set face and laid a hand on her arm. “I’m sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear,” Minerva said after the group of debutantes had passed. “I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”

Cherie sighed and forced herself to think rationally. “I know,” she said at last. “And the fact that you always want to protect me is one of my favorite things about you.”

“That’s what we wallflowers are all about: protecting one another. And we will help you no matter what.” Minerva hesitated. “If the duke does continue to want to live apart, and you desire an annulment, I know that we would also help you with that.”

“I don’t want an annulment,” Cherie said sharply. Even the thought of one brought a searing pain to her chest. “I want to be with Thomas. As his wife. And I am sure, after our kiss, that’s what he wants as well.”

“I’m sure you are right,” Minerva said, inclining her head. “Just make sure, Cherie. Because I cannot bear to think of you getting even more hurt by this man who has always caused you so much pain.”

Cherie couldn’t argue with that. And at her friend’s words, a tiny seed of doubt felt as if it had been planted in her chest. She had to make sure now before Thomas hurt her all over again.

“Is the duke home?” Cherie asked the butler the moment she arrived back home.

“Yes, Your Grace. He is in the library.”

Cherie removed her gloves, handed her cloak to the butler, and then made her way slowly across the hall to the library. She’d never known her husband to be in there before, and for a moment, she allowed herself to fantasize what it would feel like to be kissed in the library, amongst all the books. It made her heart stir, and her pace quickened.

When she arrived at the library, she knocked lightly, and Thomas’s voice sounded from inside: “Enter.”

She pushed open the door and squinted into the gloom of the library. At first, she couldn’t make out much, but as she moved into the room and closed the door behind her, her eyes began to adjust.

“Thomas?” she murmured. “Where are you?”

“I’m here.” He appeared out of the darkness holding a book. At once, she could tell that something was wrong. There was a cold, reserved look on his face, and there was no warmth or laughter in his eyes. She felt her throat go dry, and she was sure it had nothing to do with all the dust in the library.

“What are you doing in here?” she asked. “I never see you in the library.”

“I was looking for some old diaries from when my mother was young,” he said, shrugging. “I was missing her and wondered if it might be possible to find some of the thoughts that she put down when she was around my age.”

“That’s very beautiful,” she murmured. “You don’t talk much about your mother. Were you close to her?”

“Very close,” he said. “But she died when I was still a boy, only thirteen. My father always said I was more like her than like him, and although I knew he meant that as an insult, I always took it as a compliment. After all, she was my favorite person in the world.”

“I think it’s nice you’re like her,” Cherie said, smiling slightly. “Better her than him.”

“Yes.” Thomas gave a short, mirthless bark of laughter. “I suppose that’s true.”

She considered him for a long moment. “What’s going on, Thomas?” she asked at last. “You seem much changed since yesterday.”

After their kiss the previous day, they’d enjoyed a simple meal together and had talked as old friends might. There had been laughter, even flirting. And while they hadn’t discussed exactly what they wanted to happen in their marriage, and had slept separately, Cherie had gone to bed hopeful.

“I’m sorry if I seem different,” Thomas said, his voice wooden. “I finally got a chance to think things over. Yesterday I acted on instinct. I was rash and hot-blooded. But that is not the way to make decisions, especially important ones.”

“I suppose not,” she said cautiously, “but I appreciated you acting on instinct, instead of holding yourself back. What happened between us yesterday was, in my opinion, beautiful. I have not been able to stop thinking about it.”

Thomas stared at her; his expression inscrutable.

When he said nothing, she moved towards him, unable to disguise the hopeful, eager look on her face.

“I am excited to finally live as husband and wife,” she said, “and I know, after that kiss we shared yesterday, that is what you want as well.”

“Cherie, wait?—”

“Please, let me speak. I vowed to my mother that I would have a love match, Thomas, you know this. And after yesterday, I feel the happiest I have in a long time because I feel that I am finally on my way to making my mother’s dream come true.”

“Cherie—”

“But my mother is gone,” she continued doggedly. “This is about me and you. I’m not saying that ours is now a love match. I know there is still so much we have to learn. Trust needs to be rebuilt on both sides. But I know what I felt in that kiss, and I heard what you said to me about your feelings, and I am now sure that we could be truly happy, Thomas. And I want to try.”

She reached out and took his hand. It was cold, but she still held it firmly. “I want to live as man and wife. And I want to have children with you. I know that you would be a great father.”

Thomas backed away from her, shaking his head.

“It was a mistake,” he said, his voice as harsh and cold as a winter storm.

Cherie felt as if the rug had been pulled out from under her feet. She felt dizzy and confused, and she had to reach out and touch a nearby bookcase to keep from stumbling.

“Why would you say that?” she whispered, looking back up at him. “It was not a mistake!”

“It was,” he insisted. “I told you from the very beginning: I cannot have children. And I cannot be married to you as your husband.”

“Please don’t do this!” Cherie said. She could feel the nausea rising in her stomach, the panic beginning to course through her. “Please, Thomas, don’t push me away!”

“I’m not pushing you away,” he said coldly, “I’m telling you how it is with me: despite what we shared yesterday, I am still not able to give you a real marriage.”

“But why?” Cherie cried desperately. “Why won’t you have children? And why can’t we just be happy together?”

Thomas opened his mouth, but no words came out. He looked as if he were holding himself back from saying something important.

“Please just tell me,” she begged. “I am sick of the silence and the secrets. Tell me why you can’t be my husband, and we can work through it together.”

“There’s nothing for you to work on,” he said at last. “None of this is your fault, Cherie. I am the one who is unworthy of being your husband. And the more you get to know me, the more you will realize that.”

“How can you say?—”

“Believe me, I am saving you from a lifetime of disappointment by cutting this short now,” he interrupted. “If we were to try and be happy, I would only hurt you again and again by being unable to be the man you need.”

“Is this about your father again?” she asked, peering into her husband’s eyes, which were so much more dead than they usually looked. “Because he made you feel worthless and unworthy? Because I’m here to tell you: he was wrong. Anyone who knows you would tell you he was wrong.”

“You didn’t know my father,” Thomas snapped, and for the first time, he sounded truly angry at her. His eyes blazed and his voice rang. “Nor do you understand the complexity of the relationship between fathers and sons. There is no way for you to know if he was right about me. Only I can know that!”

Cherie stepped back, fear and sadness overtaking her. When she spoke again, it was in a dull, lifeless voice. “You’re right, I didn’t know your father. And I have no way of knowing if the things he told you about yourself were true. But I do know that every day you choose to believe him and not me is a day you let him win.”

Thomas scoffed and turned away. He moved deeper into the shadow, until all she could see was the outline of his body, like some sort of dark angel.

“He has already won,” he said, and his voice scraped against her like a claw. “There is nothing that you or I can do about it. Now go, Cherie. Leave me before I infect you even more.”

She turned and fled, but not because he had told her to; she didn’t want him to hear her sob.