Chapter 15

Fifteen

“ T homas? Are you all right?”

Cherie looked into the study where her husband was sitting in the semi-dark, his head resting in his hands. He didn’t seem to hear her, so she moved deeper into the room.

“Thomas? What’s wrong?”

Her husband looked up, and she almost took a step back. The look on his face was so distraught that for a moment, she almost didn’t recognize him. She had never seen him look as devastated as he did now. It was probably how he had looked after his father had died.

“Cherie.” His tone was formal, clipped. It reminded her of how he had spoken to her that first night she’d seen him again, outside of the inn. “You’re here.”

“Of course I’m here,” she said. “I came to check on you after the butler told me that Lord Rochford had left.”

“Ahh. Yes. The earl is truly gone, then?”

“Yes, and hopefully he stays gone.” She lingered in the doorway, waiting for an invitation to enter. When he didn’t extend one, she took it upon herself to approach him.

“What happened with the earl?” she asked anxiously. “I heard raised voices…”

“I’m sorry you had to hear that,” Thomas said curtly. “It was not my intention.”

“I didn’t hear any particulars if that’s what you’re worried about,” Cherie said, gazing at his face and trying to decipher exactly what it was he was feeling. “I’m not trying to eavesdrop on the business arrangements between the two of you.”

“What?” Thomas looked confused. “Oh, right…”

Cherie licked her lips. She knew that her husband probably wanted a moment alone, but she needed so badly to talk to him, to explain. The guilt of what had happened with Lord Rochford was weighing too heavily on her. And even though she had rejected him, there had still been a few moments when she’d hesitated, and they were filling her with a sick feeling of guilt.

“Thomas…” He looked up at her sharply, and she hoped that having used his given name would make it easier to hear what she had to say. “There is something that you should know about Lord Rochford’s visit.”

Thomas sat back in his chair. The look of utter devastation had left his face, and he seemed alert now, and back to normal—if still aloof.

“I know what happened with Lord Rochford,” he said, before she could explain further. “I heard everything.”

“Everything?” her heart hammered in her chest. “You were there the whole time?”

“Or long enough to get most of it. But you needn’t fear, I heard the way you demonstrated your loyalty. And I appreciate it very much.”

But his face was still expressionless and cold, and Cherie wasn’t sure she believed him.

“If you heard everything, then you know that I have no interest in the earl,” she said. “I just want to emphasize that. I was not tempted by his offer for even a moment.”

“I am glad to hear that.” Again, though, Thomas looked anything but glad.

“I just didn’t want to keep what he said from you,” she hurried to say. “It is important to be honest in a marriage, and I would never keep from you that he came here to proposition me. I hope you can believe that.”

Thomas took a long time to respond. He watched her for what felt like a whole minute, and then he said, “I appreciate that, but you do not need to tell me about every man who propositions you.”

“I—wait, what?” Cherie stared at him. “There are no other men who are propositioning me. You must know that.”

“There aren’t any now,” Thomas said, raising an eyebrow. “But you can’t truly believe that Lord Rochford will be the last.”

She gasped. “I hope that he will be!”

“It is not uncommon for married people of the peerage to pursue … affections… beyond the bounds of marriage,” Thomas said, although the words seemed to cost him some effort. “So, I would not be surprised, or offended, if you—a beautiful, interesting, charming young woman—were to receive other offers.”

Cherie felt as if her head was spinning. This had never even occurred to her, and she did not like the idea of it one bit.

“That is preposterous,” she said faintly. “I am a duchess. The men of the ton should show me more respect.”

“It is their way of showing respect,” he said flatly. He then stood, stretched, and walked across the room to her. Only once he was standing in front of her did he say, almost too quietly for her to hear, “I would also not be surprised, or offended if you were to accept one of these proposals.”

Cherie gasped. She could not quite believe the words that had just come out of her husband’s mouth. Her head spun, and for a moment, she thought she might faint. It was the most disrespectful, dishonorable thing anyone had ever said to her.

“Cherie?” Her husband’s hand came to her arm, and he peered closely at her. “Are you all right?”

She wrenched her arm from his grasp and glared at him. “Of course, I’m not all right! You just implied that I would betray you! And your implication goes beyond that—you are also giving me tacit permission! I have never been so insulted in my life!” Anger flared in her chest, and she had the insane urge to slap him. Her fingers twitched before she could quite suppress it.

“I am a duchess, and an honorable woman,” she said. “And never in my wildest dreams would I betray my husband. I am deeply offended that you would suggest otherwise.”

To her surprise, Thomas did not look remotely apologetic. “I understand your anger,” he said, “but you are still young and naive in the ways of the world.”

“Do not call me naive!”

“This is common practice among the aristocracy for couples that no longer live as man and wife.”

“But—”

“Husbands often look the other way, while their wives stray.”

“Thomas—”

“And furthermore, it is what you deserve!” A pained look came over her husband’s face, and he glared at her with a furious intensity. “Don't you want to experience all the joys of romantic love, Cherie? Don’t you dream of great passion?”

“Of course I do, but?—”

“Well, you are not going to find that in me, clearly! But that doesn’t mean you have to go your whole life without it!”

Cherie felt the tears beginning to burn in her eyes. “What are you saying, Thomas?” she whispered. “Do you want me to take up with another man?”

Her husband made a face. “Of course, I don’t want it, but I accept that it is inevitable!”

“It isn’t inevitable!” Cherie shouted, stamping her foot. “I don’t want to take up with another man!” Tears were pricking Cherie’s eyes, but she brushed them angrily away. “Why are you being so cruel to me? Do you really believe that I secretly want Lord Rochford, that I encouraged his attentions? Is that why you are treating me like this?”

Thomas was very rigid, his jaw locked. “No,” he finally confessed, and his shoulders slumped slightly. “I don’t believe you encouraged his attentions.”

“Because I did hesitate…” she said, forcing herself not to look away. “But not because of him. Only because…”

“I know why you hesitated,” Thomas said quickly. “Of course, you want to know what a real marriage feels like.”

“But I do not want that with him,” she whispered. “And I do not want to betray our marriage vows. That is not the kind of woman I am, and if that is how you see me, then you really do not know me at all!”

Thomas’s expression softened somewhat. “Of course that’s not how I see you,” he murmured. “I only wanted you to know that there are other options if you ever tire of our arrangement. Because I want the best for you, Cherie. I want you to be happy.” He took a deep breath, and she knew that whatever he was about to say was difficult for him to admit.

“I was jealous,” he said, his voice quieter than she had heard it in a long time. “When I heard the way Constantine spoke to you, I was jealous. Not because I thought you were interested in him, but because I didn’t want another man to speak to you the way I wish I could speak to you.”

His eyes met hers, and she admired that about him: that even as he confessed his true feelings, he didn’t look away.

He is brave.

Cherie’s heart was cantering in her chest, and she swore that if she looked down, she would be floating. Her husband’s words seemed to sing through her, filling her with hope and joy.

“Which words exactly?” she whispered. “Which ones do you want to speak to me?”

Thomas licked his lips but didn’t respond. She didn’t care, and she plunged recklessly on.

“Do you want to show me what it means to be adored? To be worshiped?”

Slowly, Thomas nodded.

Cherie felt as if her heart was going to explode. Goosebumps were spreading up her arms and legs. She couldn’t quite believe that after everything she and Thomas had gone through, this was finally happening.

“Do you want to show me passion?” she whispered.

Again, Thomas nodded.

She was closer now, so close that she could reach out and touch him. His eyes were deep pools that she felt she could stare into for eternity, and she wanted to reach out and touch his chiseled jaw, to run her fingers through his hair.

“I want that, too,” she murmured. “I want you to show me passion.”

Thomas opened his mouth to respond, but no words came out. He was staring at her, but she couldn’t understand what the look meant. It was shock, yes, but also something else: something like disbelief.

“Don’t say that,” he muttered. “Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not lying,” she said, her voice choked with emotion. “I want you, Thomas. I don’t want another man. I don’t want you to look the other way. I want you. This marriage. Us.”

But Thomas was shaking his head, and the disbelief in his eyes was growing.

“Is that really so hard to believe?” she whispered. Whatever reticence was in him, she knew she had to break it; to show him that she was sincere, after so long of pushing him away. “The way you saved Lady Chastity, how you stood up for me with Lord Rochford again and again… Thomas, is it really so hard to believe that of all the men I might want to experience romantic passion from, it might be the one who has always been there for me, even when I was a child?”

Her eyes were glistening with tears again, but this time they were tears of deep emotion and happiness.

“You have never wanted me,” Thomas choked out. “Growing up, you thought of me as you would an older brother. And when you were older, I was just an old friend of the family, not a serious romantic option.”

“But why would I think of you otherwise? You never presented yourself as anything other than that!” Cherie waved a hand dismissively. “You never courted me; you never flirted with me..”

“Well, I could hardly…” Thomas looked flustered and unsure of himself. “With my best friend’s sister! And what would Aidan have said? He would have called me out!”

“Thomas.” Cherie reached out her right hand and set it tentatively against her husband’s chest, right above his heart. A realization was beginning to dawn on her. “Did you have feelings for me all those years? The—the jealousy you spoke of, did it only begin recently? Please, answer me honestly. There is too much at stake for you to hide your real feelings from me any longer.”

“I—” Thomas licked his lips, and she could see the conflict that was raging behind his eyes.

But why? Why does he need to deny his feelings?

“Thomas, we are married,” she murmured, as her fingers dug into his chest. “We have an opportunity to be happy together. Why can’t we just try?”

“I want to try,” he murmured. “But you were the one who was so infuriated by the idea of marrying me.”

“I know,” she said softly. “But I don’t feel that way anymore. I’m here, Thomas, and I’m trying to tell you that my feelings have changed. I’m here. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

His right hand came to hers, covering it, so that they were both touching his heart. At the same time, his left hand slid down her arm. His fingers brushed against her skin, and then he cupped her elbow. His touch was soft, and it set her skin on fire. Then he gripped her elbow tighter and pulled her even closer to him. His face was now so close; his lips were inches from her; his eyes were burning into hers.

“I wouldn’t let you go anywhere,” he whispered.

And then he kissed her.