Chapter 23

Twenty-Three

Jacob

"I mean it's not just employers. I wouldn't want other people to see something like that online, either," Jacob said, feeling Will's eyes staring him down from the passenger seat.

"Like who? Who would give a shit about something like that?" Will said, his voice becoming slightly higher, louder.

"Well… Carrie, for one," Jacob said, shooting a quick glance at Will. He looked angry, and Jacob knew he might be about to get even more upset soon.

"Carrie? Your ex-girlfriend? Do you really care what your ex thinks of what you do?" Will said.

"Well… actually. I didn't tell you yet, but… she called me this morning, Will. She said that she got a job offer in Los Angeles, only a short drive from San Diego. And, you know… now that we're out of college, she was asking me if I wanted to give it another shot with her," Jacob said, swallowing hard. It was painful saying this to Will. He really didn't want to hurt him.

" Another shot ? What do you mean, ‘another shot?' Like, your relationship ?" Will said, his voice cracking slightly.

"I guess. She was saying that in college I may not have had enough time to build a good relationship with her because I was busy, but now maybe since we're graduated, we can try again. Start over," Jacob said, quietly.

Will took a deep breath in and out. "So, what did you say to her?" he asked, his voice low and even.

"I said maybe I'll give it a shot," Jacob said, almost whispering. He was afraid of how Will would react. "You know, start again fresh in California, as an adult, finally see if I can have a successful relationship."

"Ohhhh, wow," he heard Will say, laughing bitterly and looking out the window. Jacob knew he must be really upset. Jacob felt torn to pieces inside, and all he wanted to do was pull the car over, reach over and kiss Will, to make it better. But he was afraid. He had such strong feelings for Will, and felt such a connection to him, but he didn't know how he could move forward with him as anything but friends. He was afraid to be more than that, publicly, with another guy. So when Carrie had called early that morning, he had convinced himself that he needed to try. Needed to make some attempt at what he thought was a normal life, with a sensible girl like Carrie.

"Will. We can still be friends. San Diego is close to Arizona. Maybe you can visit, you know, we can hang out together," Jacob said, his voice sad.

He heard Will sniffle slightly. Oh fuck, is he crying ? Jacob thought, feeling deeply regretful. He knew he was hurting Will, and it was like a knife sticking into his heart. He remembered how close they had been the night before, and how sweet Will's eyes had been, looking up into his as he was deep inside of him. The thought, along with how Will was reacting right now, made Jacob silently choke up inside too.

Will let out an exasperated sigh. "Whatever. It's my fault. It's totally my fault for getting into this at all with you, for letting myself get wrapped up in a guy like you," he said, and Jacob saw him wipe a tear away.

"Guy like me? What do you mean?" Jacob asked, hesitantly.

"A fucking straight guy, Jacob. Using me for some quick, ‘taboo' sex along your road trip and then ditching me for the girl," Will said, resting his head in his hand.

"Will, that's not how it is, at all . Being with you means something to me. Means a fucking hell of a lot to me, actually. More than you know," Jacob said, his voice raising slightly. "I just… I don't know where it could go from here. I don't know what to do," he trailed off.

Will took a deep breath, shaking his head again. "Okay. Well, we only have one more night left on this trip before you drop me off. I'm just gonna study for this stupid interview, do my best with it tonight, go to bed, and then tomorrow you can get rid of me," Will said, staring back down at his phone.

"It's not like that, Will," Jacob whispered, but he knew nothing he could say would make Will feel better right now. The best he could hope is that Will would slowly feel better, and over time, maybe they could be friends.

But deep down, even to Jacob, the thought of being "just friends" with Will seemed agonizing. The past few days had felt almost magical to Jacob, and his connection to Will was like nothing he'd ever felt. But when he thought of people – friends, family, coworkers – seeing him with another guy ? He froze in fear, paralyzed by his own conditioning. His heart was telling him to say fuck it all , to be with Will and forget everything else, but his head was saying he needed to keep going with the life he had envisioned for himself, the life he thought he was supposed to have.

Jacob and Will didn't speak for hours. They went to grab lunch and switched driving duties, with Will climbing into the driver's seat for the rest of the drive into New Mexico. Jacob was agonizing inside, wondering if he'd made the right choice in telling will about Carrie at all. He was beating himself up inside about it, when Will finally spoke, as they were driving into the desert, reaching Santa Fe.

"Jacob, I'm sorry for flipping out earlier," he said softly, looking at the road in front of him, the afternoon sun golden above the mountains of New Mexico. Jacob stole a glance at him and saw his eyes narrowed as he looked out at the road. Jacob wished he could take everything back.

"Don't apologize, Will, I deserve it. You have every right to hate me," Jacob said, looking back out the window.

Will sighed. "I don't hate you. I couldn't. I just… I understand that a lot has happened in a short amount of time, and I guess I got invested too quickly. I tend to do that," he said, his voice calm. "It was stupid of me to think that you'd want… more. You know, after the trip."

Jacob looked over at Will. "It wasn't stupid. It's fine," Jacob said. "But you're right, it has been a lot over these past weeks, and I can't believe any of this has even happened. I certainly didn't expect it. But I really do mean what I said, about us being friends," Jacob said, hopeful. Truthfully, he couldn't bear the thought of not seeing Will after the trip.

"Maybe someday, Jacob. I think I might need some time to regroup once I'm in Arizona. Hopefully I'll get a job, maybe I can finally meet someone at some point," Will said sweetly.

Hearing Will talking about meeting someone, someone other than him, just made the knife drive deeper into Jacob's heart. He didn't want him to meet anyone else. But he knew it was unfair to keep Will hanging on when he himself wasn't even sure what his future looked like, or what he wanted. He wasn't sure of anything anymore.

"Thank you, Will. You should hate me, but I really appreciate it if you don't. You gotta know the last thing I ever wanted was to hurt you. I do feel the connection to you, Will… I really do, I just…" Jacob trailed off. He wanted to say so much more, but he wouldn't let himself.

"Just stop. It's fine. We don't have to talk about it anymore," Will said, his eyes looking slightly pained again. "We're almost to the hotel, right? How much longer does the GPS say? My interview starts in an hour."

"GPS says we'll be there in about 30 minutes. You should be fine. You're gonna do great, Will, I know it," Jacob said. He fought back the choked-up feeling that had returned, swallowing and staring out the window again. The sun was shining behind a big mountain on the horizon, and the green landscape of Colorado had given way to the dry desert of Santa Fe. Jacob felt a bittersweet loneliness sink in, meeting the guilt that was already there.