Chapter 16

16

ROAN

I couldn't believe I was kissing Alaina. It was a dream come true, since she'd been haunting my sleeping mind ever since we'd met. She felt so right in my arms, so perfect against me.

I'd wanted to kiss her from the first moment I laid eyes on her. But I'd never expected it to happen. And certainly not like this, with the rain drumming against the windows of my office.

Her body melted against me, and it was all the response I needed to deepen the kiss, to let go of the restraint I'd been holding on to for so long. She tasted like mint and a hint of something sweet, driving me crazy with desire. Her hands on my shoulders made me want to pull her closer, to never let her go.

I pulled back slightly, needing to see her face, needing to make sure she was okay with this. Her eyes were dark and smoky with desire, sending a jolt of need straight through me.

She suddenly pulled back, stepping out of my arms. Breathless, I eyed her to see how she would react. She stared at me for several seconds. Shock was written all over her face. I imagined I had the same look.

Her eyes, usually so warm and inviting, had a different look to them now—guarded, uncertain. I couldn't blame her. I had crossed a line I had no business crossing. But the look on her face when our lips touched? The way her body reacted? It felt like she wanted it, too. She had definitely kissed me back. I hadn't imagined that.

"We can't do this," she said softly, her voice barely above a whisper.

I nodded, my heart sinking. "Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry, Alaina. I don't know what came over me. It was the moment."

She sighed, a small, sad smile on her lips. "It's okay, Roan. Really. We just need to be friends. I'm your son's teacher. This isn't a good idea. It would get too messy."

"I know, I'm sorry."

"It's okay." She forced a smile again.

But it wasn't okay. It was far from okay. I had made things awkward between us, ruined the easy friendship we had been building. How could I have been so stupid? I knew better than this.

I shuffled my feet, suddenly unsure of what to do next. It was not a feeling I was accustomed to.

"I should go," she murmured.

"Let me take you home," I offered quietly. "It's late. It's raining. I want to make sure you're okay."

Alaina hesitated, biting her lip. "I think I'll just take a taxi. It's fine."

A lump formed in my throat, but I nodded again. She wanted to get away from me as quickly as possible. I didn't blame her. I had overstepped.

It didn't matter that she had looked at me like she wanted me to kiss her. At least that was what I wanted to believe. I hoped like hell I hadn't made her uncomfortable. Now, she probably didn't want me to know where she lived, which was why she had declined a ride home.

Fuck . I really screwed up.

"Okay." I nodded. "I'll wait with you."

We walked out of the office in silence, the weight of what had just happened hanging heavily between us. I tried to think of what I could say to make this right. I felt so horrible.

"I'm sorry we didn't get to have dinner," I said.

"It's fine. I think it was a perfect storm. My car. My dead phone. The rain. I think it's time to go home and call it a day. I don't want to push fate."

"I understand."

It only took a few minutes for a taxi to pull up. I opened the door for her and watched as she climbed in without a word. "Goodnight," I said.

"Goodnight," she said without looking me in the eyes.

I closed the door gently and took a deep breath, trying to steady my racing heart. The cab drove away, and I watched the taillights fade before walking to my car. Getting in, I leaned my head against the headrest and sighed. What had I been thinking? I crossed the line and now everything was different.

I sighed heavily and started the engine. Get it together, Roan.

I needed to figure out how to salvage our friendship after this. But right then, all I could think about was how I had wrecked things.

I stepped into my home much earlier than I had hoped. The house was quiet, but the glow from the TV came from down the hall.

"I'm here," I called out.

The nanny got up, gave me a look, and walked past me. "I'm out of here then. You can Venmo me," she called out.

I shook my head. I really needed to get a new nanny. She was about as awful as one could get. Thankfully, Rafe was a pretty capable kid. I just needed the nanny to be around in case there was an emergency. But I had a feeling Rafe would be the better one in that situation as well.

She was always on the phone, talking about going out with friends or some drama I didn't really care about. Not that I was supposed to, but it was painful to listen to. What happened to texting?

It was the same routine every evening—a hasty goodbye and a request for payment. I couldn't even remember her name anymore. Rafe told me she made him dinner, which was nothing more than her popping a meal from the freezer into the oven. It wasn't exactly rocket science.

That was a problem for another day.

I kicked off my shoes and made my way into the kitchen. The clock on the microwave said it was almost ten. Late but not too late for a nightcap. I poured myself a drink, the amber liquid glinting in the dim light of the kitchen. Scotch—strong and bitter, just like the taste in my mouth.

I took a sip, the burn of the alcohol momentarily distracting me from the mess I had made of things. But as the warmth spread through me, so did the memories of Alaina in my office, her soft lips against mine, and the painful realization of what I had done.

"Am I really that starved for attention?" I muttered to myself, bitterness and self-loathing creeping into my voice. "Kissing the woman I just agreed to be only friends with, and possibly causing drama at Rafe's new school?"

I sank down onto a stool at the kitchen island, resting my elbows on the granite countertop and cradling the glass in my hands. The silence of the house felt oppressive, amplifying the turmoil inside me.

"You idiot," I chided myself quietly, taking another sip of scotch. "You know better than this. You can't just go around kissing people, especially not your kid's teacher. What were you thinking?"

I knew what I had been thinking—or rather, not thinking. In that moment, she looked so kissable. The dress showcased every one of her curves. The color was a little subdued for her usual style, but it looked good on her. She was stunning. I couldn't resist her.

The lines between professional and friend had blurred. I had let desire and foolish impulse guide my actions.

I shook my head, trying to clear it of the confusing mix of emotions. Guilt, regret, and anger simmered within me. Anger at myself for being so weak, for jeopardizing what was clearly a very good fit for Rafe. Anger at Alaina for letting it happen, for not stopping me before it was too late.

But it wasn't fair to blame her. I had kissed her. I had been the one to cross the line, not her. And now I had to deal with the consequences.

I finished my drink in one more swallow, the burn of it making my eyes water. I set the glass down with a thud, the sound echoing through the kitchen. I ran a hand through my hair, frustration and exhaustion mingling in my mind.

Would she even want to speak to me? Would she report me to the school administration, risking Rafe's place at his new school?

I sighed heavily, pushing the thoughts away for a moment. I needed to find a way to fix this mess, to salvage what was left of my friendship with Alaina and ensure Rafe's stability wasn't compromised.

He was blossoming at the new school, making friends and coming out of his shell again. And I might have fucked it up because I was horny.

I walked to the fridge, looking for leftovers, and found none. I decided to make myself a sandwich and pour myself another drink. The guilt I felt was something I wasn't used to. I had the usual father guilt, but that was different.

As I sat at the kitchen island, staring at the half-eaten sandwich before me, my mind was in turmoil. Taking another sip of scotch, I closed my eyes and tried to push away the self-loathing that threatened to consume me.

How could I have let things spiral out of control so quickly? In a moment of reckless abandon, I had shattered the delicate balance between us.

I was usually so in control of myself. I didn't do anything without thinking about it. But tonight, something had shifted within me.

I finished my sandwich mechanically, the taste bland and unsatisfying. I wanted another drink but six a.m. would come way too soon. With a heavy heart, I stood up and made my way to the living room.

The TV flickered in the darkness, casting eerie shadows across the room. I sank into the sofa, the soft cushions offering little comfort as I wrestled with my thoughts.

I stared blankly at the screen, not really seeing the images flashing before me. I checked my phone absentmindedly. No messages, no missed calls. Not that I expected any. It was late, after all. She probably already deleted my number.

I trusted her not to treat Rafe any differently. I knew she cared about my son. She would never do anything that might hurt him. I wished I could say the same for myself. Pretty shitty she was looking out for my son better than I was.

I finished my drink and headed upstairs. I popped my head in to check on Rafe. He was sound asleep. I stepped into his room, nearly twisting my ankle when I stepped on a Lego. I bit back the curse.

How in the world was he nine? It felt like yesterday I was feeding him a bottle and rocking him to sleep. He was halfway to being an adult. When he was little, I tried to work from home as much as possible. I realized early on he was growing up too fast. I didn't want to miss a moment.

I felt very selfish with his time. Maybe that was why I had such a hard time giving him space to grow up. I didn't want him to grow up and go off to college and have no time for me.

As I lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling, sleep eluded me. I tossed and turned, trying to find a comfortable position, trying to quiet the storm of thoughts raging inside me.

Guilt was no longer the main issue. I could taste her. Smell her. Even though I knew it was wrong, I wanted that sweet little body against mine again.

I turned over in my bed for what felt like the hundredth time that night, the image of Alaina's face haunting my thoughts. Her lips had been soft and inviting. Her hands had roamed over my body. I managed to get a nice squeeze but not nearly enough.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't shake the desire that coursed through me at the mere thought of her.