39. Violet

39

Violet

H earing Ryan’s voice makes me mushy inside. He’s always had an effect on me, and no matter how much I tried to push the feeling away, it always came back.

After that night at the bar where he spilled his guts to me, I was so lost. I didn’t know what I wanted or needed and fell into a loop of obsessive behavior. My ticks got worse. The sleepless nights grew longer, and my mind had no off switch. The ruminating thoughts kicked up a notch. After a month of torture, Hartley finally forced me to get help. He was seriously concerned for my well-being.

We researched doctors around the area and fielded which ones I would feel most comfortable with. Finally, I found Dr. Heally. To say she’s changed my life is an understatement. I’ve been through a few therapists and never stuck with one. That is, until Dr. Heally. I always thought my issues were too deep and complicated for anyone to unwind, but Dr. Heally did. She's helped me work through the root of my OCD and anxiety. We’ve practiced coping mechanisms to use when things feel out of control inside my mind.

Every day isn’t perfect. I have ups and downs, high days and low days, but the difference is I now have the confidence to face them on my own. I’ve always relied on others to be my backbone. My trust wasn’t easily given, but once you had it, I had unwavering loyalty to you. Broken trust sliced me open and bled me out. We’ve worked through that, too. I realized how hard the situation with Ryan must have been for him, and I acknowledge that I didn’t handle the aftermath in the best way. Even though he broke my trust, he’s only ever had himself to rely on. That’s a huge cross to bear. The six months spent working on myself and my inner demons were the best thing to ever happen to me. It killed me to cut contact with Ryan during that time, but I needed it for myself and my mind. I couldn’t be what he needed back then, and the time apart did him good as well.

“Hart! Want to grab pizza for dinner? I’ll call Liza to come!” I scream to my bestie from the couch. He’s lounging in his bedroom, scrolling his phone.

“Nah. I think I'll chill here tonight. Not feeling up to going out,” he says soberly. Something has been up with him the past few days. To say they've gotten themselves into a sticky situation is the understatement of the century. And they said my love life was complicated. Ugh.

“Ok. I’ll order in. Wings?”

“Sure.”

I tap out the order on my phone. It’s the first day of summer break, and I want to celebrate with greasy food. This year has been tough, but I made it out with a 4.0. Next year, I start my junior-level courses at Springs U, and I’ll be that much closer to graduating. I quickly decide not to invite Liza over. Whatever this weird tension between her and Hartley is doesn’t need to dampen my mood tonight. Since we’re not leaving tonight, I throw my hair into a messy bun, throw on my comfiest pair of plaid sleep shorts and black silk tank.

“Vi! Can you get that? I don’t have pants on!” Hartley screams.

“Since when do you care if you have pants on?” I chuckle as I throw that witty response to him. Someone is beating on the door. It can’t be the delivery driver already, and I’m not expecting anyone else tonight. When I fling the door open, I’m left breathless.

“Ryan!” I launch into my man’s arms and wrap my legs around his waist. His strength and muscles contract around me. He’s warm and smells like mahogany. It’s my favorite smell in the world.

“Hey, baby. I wanted to surprise you tonight,” he replies as he nuzzles his chin into my neck. His beard stubble scrapes me in the best way. I miss him so much when he’s gone.

“You scared me,” I lock eyes with him and laugh. “I’m so happy to see you!” I giggle as I hold onto his broad shoulders tightly.

“I’m all yours for the weekend,” he says but makes no move to let me go.

“Eeeek!”

These days, seeing each other has become harder. I finally chose a major and career path while Ryan hunkered down to fix his year of dropping out of Springs U entirely. Facetime has become our best friend. We also didn’t want to rush into a relationship again. We both needed time to find direction, heal our past wounds, and become our own people. I missed him like crazy, but I also needed to find myself away from our relationship. He needed to sort things out, and we’ve both come out the other end better versions of ourselves. He slams his lips on mine like it’s the last time he ever will. Ryan kisses me like that all the time now. We’ve lost each other once and cherish our time together now more than ever.

“Looks like I picked the perfect time to fix a drink,” Hartley saunters into the living room kitchenette area. You guessed it, he’s in his boxers with no shirt. Stress is written all over his face. His hair is messy, and he has dark circles under his eyes.

“Hart, long time no see.” Ryan walks over and gives him a bro handshake. These two have come a long way since last year. Hartley hated Ryan’s guts for what he did to me and the team. He doesn’t like to show it, but he’s very sensitive and a little broken—we all are, it seems.

“When you grace us with your presence, you can’t come up for air long enough for more than a few words.”

“Can’t say I’d ever want to.” Ryan fixates his eyes back on me and stares through my soul. Those caramel-brown pools hold so much pain, resilience, and determination.

“Whatever. Keep it down, you two. Some of us have things to do in the morning.” Hartley runs a glass of water from the sink and trots back to his bedroom. I make a mental note to figure out what’s got him in such a slump lately.

***

The next morning, I woke up in Ryan’s muscular arms. I spend the better part of the morning tracing lines across his chest tattoos. Each holds a special meaning to him, and I commit each one to memory. I freeze my tracing when my eyes catch a new tattoo. I’ve memorized all of the lines and details in each of his inked features. This one is definitely new. My cold fingers find a cracked heart with stitches binding each of the shattered pieces together. My eyes well with tears.

“Babe, wake up.” I gently pat my boyfriend’s shoulder. I can’t wait a minute longer to find out when he got this and what it means. His groggy eyes bat open as he wipes sleep from his eyes. He runs a hand through his disheveled hair. One thing that hasn’t changed, Ryan Shane is sexy from the minute he wakes up.

“Good Morning, sunshine,” he says as he grabs the base of my neck to pull me closer.

“How long have you been up?”

“About an hour. You looked so peaceful. I didn’t want to wake you,” I answer.

“I don’t want to waste a second with you ever again,” he whispers, as he peppers kisses against my warm neck.

“When did you get this one?” I point to the broken heart on his chest.

“Last week.”

“What does it mean?” I lean my head over to get a closer look at his new ink.

“Before I met you, my heart was scattered pieces. They didn’t have meaning, and I didn’t have a reason to put them back together again.” He leans up on one arm and rubs from my shoulder down to my waist. “I didn’t know if I’d ever have another chance with you, but I kept hoping that I would. I got it to show what you did to my heart without even realizing it." He places my hand over the mended heart. "I wanted to mark myself permanently to represent how much you changed me.”

I’m a sniffling mess with tears trickling down my bare morning face.

“Shhhh,” he says as the pads of his thumbs wipe away the happy tears. “Don’t cry, baby. I hate it when I make you cry.”

“These are good tears, Ry. Why didn’t you show me sooner?”

“I wanted you to find it organically,” he says with the sweetest rasp to his unsure voice. I didn't know how you would feel about me marking you on myself permanently.

“I love it more than anything.” I place a damp kiss on his stubbly face.

“I love you more than anything.”