35. Violet

35

Violet

A few weeks have passed since Ryan and I’s emotional conversation at the bar. That night, I dissected our interaction one hundred different ways with Liza. She listened to me repeat the same story over and over and didn’t complain once. Her advice was to let him come to me. Be open-minded and allow him the chance to win me over. It’s hard when all I want to do is be in control of this situation, but it’s not best for either of us.

Gearing up for class, I throw on my leggings and Springs U baggy T-shirt. It’s a messy bun day because–why not? Slinging my bookbag on my tense shoulders, I fling the apartment door open and stop dead in my tracks. Sitting perfectly on my welcome mat is a vase filled with sunflowers and a card. I grab the beautiful bouquet from the ground and admire them. I lean my nose into the flowers and take a deep whiff. I love the scent of fresh flowers.

I return to the apartment to place the flowers in a vase with water. I carefully empty the little packet of flower vitamins and admire how much brightness they bring to the apartment. Heading out, I stick the card in my book bag and head to class. I’m not ready to open it yet. I know who this is from, and I need to clear my head before reading his words.

Class goes by quickly, and I do my best to distract myself from the card by taking over-the-top notes. Leaving class, I hop in my car and head to work. Work has become a lifeline these past few weeks. It keeps my mind busy from wandering to Ryan and I’s relationship limbo. I’m a few minutes early, so I pull off to the beach. The beautiful part of Coastal Books is that you can walk straight out of the bookstore and onto the beach. I park my car and ditch my worn sandals, going barefoot. Before leaving, I grab the card out of my book bag. Now or never. There aren’t many people out today, so it’s the perfect place to decipher through my thoughts. As the golden hour serenity splashes across the horizon, the waves crash into the bright sand. Finding a spot, I sit crisscross and open the card. Inside lies a handwritten note on a piece of lined paper.

Violet,

I’ve been thinking about us for the past few weeks, and I finally know what you are to me: sunshine. The beacon of light in the darkness of my mind. I searched the store for the perfect bouquet to represent you, and sunflowers seemed like a no-brainer. I want to give you the time and space you deserve, but I can’t lie and say it’s easy. If I can’t be near you, I’ll write to you. I’m figuring out some things on my end and deciding which path I need to take to change my life. I hope to make you proud, but I also hope to make a life that I’m proud of.

Ryan

Words elude me at the thoughtful words Ryan expressed in his note. I’m glad he respects my boundaries and gives me space to think about what I want, but he’s showing me he still cares. I want him to find a path and love what he does. He deserves to be happy, with or without me.

I fold the note into a small square and lose myself in the waves for a bit longer before walking to work. Inhaling Paisley’s diffuser’s lavender scent sends a calm blanket over my body. The store is busy this afternoon, so I hop right into customer service mode. The best part of this job is helping each customer find the right book for them. Paisley and I haven’t had a moment to talk between register duty, looking up specific books in our system, and straightening the shelves. After about a half hour, we slowed down for the night.

“Phew, that was wild. I didn’t expect a rush like that tonight,” Paisley says as she fixes books on the center display. It’s where we house the new releases and popular reads for the week.

“I know right? I liked it though. Kept my mind busy,” I reply as I busy my hands filling out online book orders on the store laptop.

“Want to grab a coffee after we close for the night? I’m exhausted and can use some caffeine before I go home to my wild kids,” she chuckles.

“That sounds great. I’ve been in permanent exhaustion mode lately.”

Paisley and I finish closing the shop for the night and head to the coffee shop down the block. The display window of the shop facing the street houses a vintage coffee grinding machine. The aroma permeates throughout the shop with small cafe tables and soft jazz music playing. Paisley orders a black coffee, and I order an iced mocha latte. We wait patiently for our drinks and find a cutout seat in the back.

“So, what’s been going on with you, girly?” Paisley asks hesitantly. I can tell she doesn’t want to open new wounds by bringing up Ryan, but she also cares about my well-being, which I appreciate. We haven’t talked about him or the situation, but everyone knows the basic story.

“Just trying to take it one day at a time. The whole Ryan situation totally blindsided me, so we’re taking a break to figure out what we both want.”

“That’s good. Take care of yourself first, always." She grins and maintains eye contact. "My husband was shocked by the news. Mason came over for dinner a week after the news broke, and he was torn up about it.” She leans forward over the metal table.

“I was, too. It’s been a mess, but he actually left this note by my door this morning.” I pull the note out of my pocket and unfold it tenderly. I didn’t expect to show Paisley, but it wouldn’t hurt to get her opinion. “I love him so much, but I also know I need space.” I pass the worn note over to Paisley, so she can read it.

“Wow, Violet. This is very heartfelt, but I agree with your need for time and space. You are both so young. Don’t rush things. I would give Mason the same advice, but he would never listen to me,” she rolls her eyes.

“I’m happy that he’s putting forth effort to show me that he still cares. I want the best for him.”

“Mason texted my husband about an event this weekend at the community center. Apparently, the team is rallying Springs U Football alums to go. Are you going?”

“What kind of event?” My face scrunches in confusion.

“He said it’s a youth flag football game. Ryan invited the team to go out and watch his team play.”

“Ryan’s team?”

“I thought he would have told you. Mason said that Ryan has been volunteering at the community center twice a week. He signed up to coach the flag football team, and their first game is this weekend.”

“Wow. That is really great.” This is an amazing opportunity for Ryan. I’m glad he didn’t tell me about it. It shows that he’s better himself for him and not just to salvage our relationship.

“Well, if you want to go, I’ll be there for support. My husband wouldn’t miss it for the world.” She reaches over the table to pat my shoulder.

“Thanks, Paisley. I’ll think about it.” Part of me wants to stay away so I don’t fall back into his arms, but the other part wants to see him in this new role.