34. Violet

34

Violet

T he weeks since Ryan’s confession weigh heavy on my heart but get lighter with each passing hour. They say time heals all wounds, but time is painfully hard to get through.

Distracting myself with a full class load, homework, and studying has been the best medicine for a broken heart. I still find my mind wandering to the broken man who trampled my heart and left marks forever. I wonder what he's doing and how he is coping with it all. I’ve wanted to call him more times than I can count, but I stop myself before I do. If he wanted to, he would. I keep reminding myself. The last thing I need is my sensible judgment clouded with beautifully broken eyes, his warm arms wrapped around mine, and all the words I want to hear. I’m stronger than that.

Hartley has been doing his best not to bring up football, the team, or Ryan. He’s also reigning in his wild emotions about it all. Liza has spent almost every night at the apartment. I never knew how much I needed her presence before now. Her sunshine, crazy takes on life, and wild plans always take me out of my own mind, which can be a dark place. I’m sitting on my comfy rug, getting ahead on assignments for the semester, when my blonde bestie busts through the door. Did I mention we gave her a key?

“Alright! The pity party is officially over. We’re going out tonight!” she squeals.

“I’m assuming I’m the pity party?” I laugh because she is the best comedic relief.

“Yep! It’s been a party of one for the last few months, and I can’t take it anymore. We’re changing the reservation to a wild night out party for two, baby!” She jumps up and down, holding a bag in her hand. Maybe I should think about going out. It’s been two months since that day, and I haven’t done much besides go to class and lock myself in this apartment to study.

“I guess you’re right. I’m in,” I say.

“Yes! That was much easier than I thought. Here, I even bought you a little something to wear tonight!” She throws the boutique bag my way. I open it and am greeted with the cutest nude romper. It’s thin-strapped with ribbed material to hug my body. My favorite part is the bow that covers the chest area with a small space for skin to peek through. I’ll admit this isn't my usual style, but I’m willing to try it on for her. She’s been the most patient and kind friend these past few months, and I want to thank her for that. Liza’s love language is gift-giving, and I want her to know how much I appreciate our friendship.

“I love it.” I pull her in for a hug, and we make our way to the bathroom to begin getting ready for the night.

“Umm, one question. Will he be there?” I glance to her, then back at the ground.

“He hasn’t been out since that day. I would say there’s a slim chance of us seeing him tonight.” She gives me a small smile. This leaves my mind wandering to Ryan again. What has he been doing if no one has seen him? Is he ok?

“I just hope he’s alright.”

“Me too,” she says. After the night Liza asked me to keep an open mind about Ryan, she stopped pushing. I’m grateful for that because I needed time to wrap my brain around everything.

“Who knows, maybe we’ll see some cuties out tonight! A hook-up wouldn’t be such a bad thing, right?” She nudges her hip into me playfully.

“No way. I’m steering clear of hot boys with trails of broken hearts for the foreseeable future.” I really need to focus on fixing my issues before bringing someone else into the mix.

“Ok, but can we still look?!” She gives me that playful puppy dog face that makes me cave.

“Looking isn’t off limits,” I say with a giggle, but I won’t be looking anywhere tonight besides the bottom of a vodka soda.

***

It’s 10 p.m. when Liza and I hop out of the rideshare to Downtown Tap. Nausea ripples through my stomach. The last time I was here, I was met with the love of my life, down bad in the worst possible way. Now, I walk in with Liza on my arm. I need this girl’s night. Staying locked away from the world in the apartment isn’t going to help me make progress mentally.

Ryan and I haven’t spoken since that day on my apartment steps. Each day brings new challenges and triumphs. We're greeted by a group of girls that Liza recognizes. She does a quick introduction before heading toward the bar to order for us. Liza has the male bartenders wrapped around her finger. She possesses the magnetic personality that draws you in. Saying no to her is unheard of. She orders two vodka sodas. I’m staying away from shots tonight. The last thing I need is a drunken emotional breakdown in the middle of the bar. I plan to nurse this drink for a while.

“Mason!” she screams and darts to the quarterback. I follow her with no plans of leaving her side tonight.

“Hey, ladies! I haven’t seen you two in a hot minute,” he squeezes us under both arms.

Mason is a sweet guy, and his sister has been a great boss. I gave her a brief recap about Ryan and me a few days after it happened, and she granted me extended time off of work. She said I could take all the time I needed, mentally, and return when I was ready. Paisley doesn’t need an extra employee but likes the company. I’m finally going back to work this week. I need a sense of normalcy in my chaotic life, and the bookstore is a happy place. I also need to kick it into high gear if I have any chance of affording classes next semester. Summer is also only a month away, and I need the distraction. She already told me I can work as many hours as I want this summer since I’m not enrolling in summer classes, and I’m taking her up on that.

“I finally got this bombshell out of the shackles of school for the night,” Liza says, pumping up my ego. She does it the best.

“Well, thank god for that,” he winks. “Someone that beautiful should never be locked away.” He’s smooth, and I can’t lie and say it doesn’t feel good. Mason is just a friend and a shameless flirt, but hearing those things about me definitely helps.

“She busted me out and dressed me like her personal doll for the night,” I wink to Liza.

“Liz, can you do this more often?” He grabs my best friend’s hips in a flirtatious way and gestures up and down my body, showing his approval. That’s Mason, a quintessential lover boy.

“Absolutely.” She kisses him on the cheek and takes a big sip of her drink.

“ Boo !” Vibrates through my ears as big hands grab my waist and twirl me in a circle.

“Hartley! You can’t sneak up on me like that. You know I’m jumpy.” I can’t stop laughing. Leave it to Hartley to scare me half to death in the middle of the bar.

“Come on, sis, you know you love me.” Smelling the alcohol on his breath and hearing his slurred speech, I can quickly tell that he’s buzzed. Buzzed Hartley is fun. He may make questionable life decisions, but right now I just need fun Hartley to distract me from myself.

“Let’s dance!” he shouts and grabs both of our hands.

We wiggle our bodies to the dance floor and twirl around without a care in the world. I need this tonight. I want my mind turned off. After a couple drinks, I leave Hartley and Liza on the dance floor to take a breather. Those two are in their own world together, whether or not they realize it.

I scurry away to the bar to order my third vodka soda of the night. Tonight’s game plan has changed to getting drunk and forgetting the mess that is my life. The bar is busier than when we first arrived, so I wait a while before ordering my drink. Taking my drink off the counter, I spin my body around to join up with Hartley, Liza, or Mason again, but my eyes catch the only man to ever own my heart playing pool.

What is he doing here?

Even though we are broken up, my body reacts to his presence. My cheeks warm, taking in his hard muscles captured under a black t-shirt. My eyes wander down his body. He has on jeans tonight, and they wrap perfectly around his firm thighs. I shouldn’t have these thoughts, but with Ryan, it’s automatic. We are magnetic forces that always seem to gravitate toward each other. I look down at my drink and try my best to disappear before he sees me. I’m too drunk and emotional to see him tonight. I'm not ready to discuss the past, yet.

I spot Liza and Hartley talking on the edge of the dance floor and make a beeline straight to them. Drunk Hartley doesn't need to deal with my drama, so I pull Liza away from him to fill her in.

“Can we go to the bathroom? I need to check my makeup,” I lie to get Liza away from Hart.

“Sure!” I grab her hand and weave through the crowd to the musty bar bathroom. Once we’re locked into the one-stall room, I spill everything.

“He’s here,” I say.

“Ryan?” she gasps. “I haven’t seen him out in months! I’m so sorry, Vi. We can make an escape plan and go back home,” she looks at me with genuine concern in her voice. She knows how broken I’ve been without him the past few months.

“I don’t want to run away, but I also don’t want to be around him,” I say, sounding pathetic, but I know I don’t have the strength to face him tonight, but I'm having fun for the first time since we broke up. I'm not ready for it to end.

“Say no more. We’re glued together for the rest of the night!” She laces her arm with mine.

We freshen our lip gloss and walk out of the bathroom. Greeting me outside the women’s door is a wall of muscles that scream familiarity. I ran smack into his chest in the tiny hallway.

“I… I… I’m sorry,” I fumble over my words, trying to stick to my plan of avoiding my ex tonight.

He clutches my arms and tilts my chin up to his. My mind goes blank when I lock eyes with him, and all the noise from the bar goes silent. It’s just him and I in the hallway. I forget that anything bad ever happened between us. I forget that he shattered my heart into a million little pieces. All I see in my drunken stupor is the gorgeous man I adore right in front of me.

“We need to talk,” he whispers, gently circling his thumb across my chin.

My best friend cuts in, “That’s not happening tonight. She’s drunk. I was given specific instructions less than two minutes ago to keep her glued to my side!”

“Liz, I would never hurt her,” Ryan replies with a pained voice. His response snaps me out of the trance only this man could lock me in.

I step out of his arms and cross mine over my chest. “You did hurt me.”

“I know. Please, just a few minutes. After that, I won’t bother you the rest of the night,” His pleasing eyes search mine, begging, and I’m weak for this man.

“Okay." I sigh, then point my finger in his face. "But Liza has to stand as a bodyguard to keep me from making bad decisions.”

“Fair,” he replies with that smirk that has brought me to my knees more times than I can count.

“Let’s go out the alleyway. It’s usually empty. Liz, can you wait by this door?”

“You have ten minutes before I bust out and take her. Your time starts now!” Liza says, trying to act tough. She couldn’t be more harmless if she tried.

Ryan leads me out the back. We sit on one of the two wrought iron tables set up. No one ever comes out here. It’s peaceful without the loud noises of the club inside. I wait patiently to let him lead this conversation. I need him to say something first and set the pace.

“First of all, the last few months have been the worst of my life." He folds his hands on the table in front of him. "I spent some time locked away in my house because I didn’t know how to face anyone after what I did.” His hands clamp together tighter, white outlines framing his knuckles.

“I went to talk with my mom a few days ago. I felt lost, and I needed some sort of direction. I’m seeing things differently.”

“How is that?” I pick what left of my poor fingernails.

“None of it matters. Football has always been just a job. I can find another one. My mom never wanted or needed saving. She’s at peace with her life. I’m the one that did.”

“You never needed saving, Ryan,” I say truthfully. He was always perfect in my eyes, but I know our own mind can be the darkest of places.

“I’m better, you know? I talked to Coach and the athletic director. I even called the team together to give them everything they wanted to know,” he explains. “Hartley was the toughest. He’s still hurt, and I get it–” Before he can finish, I cut in.

“You talked to Hartley?”

“Yes.”

My heart flutters without permission. Stupid heart. Ryan talks with absolute certainty. It’s as if he’s a new person. A better version of himself that I never knew existed.

“I’m banned from college football, but I’m ok with it, Vi. I’ve never felt more at peace with my life because there are no more secrets. No more pressure. I can just be me for once.”

“If you’re banned from football, how are you going to stay at Springs U?” I ask.

“I’m not.”

“What do you mean?”My heart hurts because as much as this man has hurt me over the course of the last few months, the thought of him leaving terrifies me.

“I’m taking the rest of the semester off to work on myself. I need to clear my mind before I can worry about school again,” he says.

“That’s great, Ryan. I’m happy for you.” I smile at him.

“I’m going to enroll in online classes next year at the community college in town. I can work full time and bring my mom to her appointments if she needs.”

“You seem better,” I say. “Not that you weren’t ever perfect to me before, but you seem-calm, at peace.” His hands reach for mine, and I allow him to cradle them in his. I missed this. The rough calluses across his fingertips circle my small hands.

“I am, but I’m missing the most important piece of my life, and-”

“Alright." Liza bursts through the wooden door. "Time's up. She’s coming with me!” Liza screams into the empty alley, pointing to her Apple watch timer. I can clearly see that her timer wasn’t set. She’s so ridiculous, and I love her for it.

“Liza, add ten more minutes to that timer. I swear I’m okay. I need to finish this.” I wave my hands to tell her that she can go back inside. She shoots a scowl my way and turns back to go inside. I need to have this conversation to heal and move forward.

“I need you, Violet,” Ryan blurts out. “If it wasn’t completely obvious, I’m a mess without you. You’re the only thing that brings the good out in me.”

“Don’t say that.” I yank my hand from his. He can't waltz back into my life and say things that make my heart skip more than a few beats.

“It’s the truth. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, and I shattered your trust, but please, don’t say no,” he begs.

For a moment, I almost give in and collapse into the strong arms that I once called home, but I don’t. It’s time to fight for myself.

“I need time. I can’t be in a relationship with you right now. I don’t trust you, and without trust, we're bound to fail.”

“Promise me you won’t shut me out forever. I’ll wait as long as it takes to prove to you how serious I am about us. There’s no time frame on this. I’m here when you’re ready to have me,” he says. I melt at his words, but in my heart, I know I can’t put trust in him. I don’t want to fall back into a relationship without trust. I need space to clear my mind and figure out what I want and need.

“I won’t, but I need space for a while to figure out who I am. Independence is important to me.”

“I know, baby,” he says with the casual nickname that sends flutters to my stomach. “I’m ready for you when you’ll have me, but is there anything I can do in the meantime to help you?” He holds my hand in a tight grip, questioning his every move to make sure I'm confortable. My mind spirals to when his lips were on mine, and I want them back desperately. If I don’t walk away from him now, I never will.

“Earn my trust. Show me that you can turn this around.” I kiss him gently on the cheek to show him that there's still a chance in the future. “See you later, Ryan.” I leave him at the table to join Liza in the bar. My knees wobble, and my head is clouded with confusion. I can’t say goodbye to him, now, or ever, so see you later will have to do.