24. Ryan

24

Ryan

T he bartender makes the last calls, signaling that the banquet is almost over. Violet, Liza, Hartley, and myself walk to my car to head back to their apartment. Thank god I’m driving because Hartley and Liza are beyond wasted. They stumble through the gravel parking lot, leaning on each other to keep their balance. Violet and I laugh under our breath at their attempt to walk straight with sunglasses on.

“I’m not cleaning up puke tonight,” Violet shouts ahead.

“Don’t even think about ruining my car,” I warn.

“Ahhh, shut up, Shane. You know you love me!” Hartley slurs. “You should clean up my puke for hooking up with my little sister.”

“ Hartley! ” Violet scolds, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment.

Liza chimes in, “Cut it out. They are the cutest couple I’ve ever seen.” She hangs on Hartley’s arm and points back and forth to us.

“Would everyone please get in the car?” My patience has run out, and the last thing I need is Hartley’s drunk crap.

Violet helps Liza get into the back seat. Liza insists that Violet help her so she doesn't accidentally flash anyone, with a follow-up announcement that she has no underwear on. I could have gone without that information, but here we are. Hartley drapes a lazy arm around Liza and leans against her shoulder. It won’t be long before the two of them pass out in the back seat. When we get back to the apartment, my girl and I help our friends up the stairs and into Hartley’s bedroom. Liza makes her second announcement of the night, this time from Hartley’s room, “I’m sleeping on the floor. I repeat–I’m sleeping on the floor! ”

To which I add, “No one cares.”

Violet giggles and shoves my shoulder playfully. “Don’t be mean. They’ll be dating before the year’s over.”

“I don’t know if Hartley can make a commitment to anything besides himself,” I say.

“You’d be surprised,” she says with a soft smirk. Hartley loves hard, but I pray his commitment issues get better with the right person.

“I’m going to shower and change into my pajamas. You’re spending the night, right? Liza ditched me.” I would spend every night with her if I could.

“Of course, babe. I’ll change and wait for you out here,” I reassure her, kissing her cheek before she disappears into the bathroom.

I grab my clothes from Violet’s bedroom. There's a small nook inside her closet where I keep a few pairs of shorts and T-shirts. I live alone a few miles away from campus. Coach Daniels from high school owns the house and uses it as a rental property. He offered to let me stay there for free during my four years at Springs U. I pay him utilities because the mortgage has been paid off for years.

I wanted to stay home to be there in case my mom ever needed me, but she insisted that I get the “full college experience”. She’s stubborn, and it was easier to move out than argue with her. I enjoy living on my own, but it gets lonely. Being left alone with my thoughts is suffocating. Violet seems more comfortable in her own bedroom, and I like it here because it’s never quiet. Hartley is always bantering about something, and Liza’s been hanging around a lot more, too. Being an only child to my sick mom comes with lots of loneliness and responsibility. It’s been nice having a distraction from the turmoil in my personal life.

I finish changing in Violet’s bedroom and go back out to the main room. Grabbing my phone off the small table next to the couch, I see two missed calls from Logan.

Why is he calling me? I shouldn’t hear from him until after the games play out next weekend. I step out onto the balcony to call him back. He’s persistent and won’t stop calling unless I answer. The shower water begins running, so I know I have a few minutes of privacy before Violet gets out. I click Logan’s contact, and he answers on the first ring, “Don’t know how to answer the phone, Shane?” He sounds on edge.

“Make it quick. I’m at my girl's house and don’t want her to know about our arrangement.”

“I just got the odds on your team’s game, and it’s big money,” he probes.

“Don’t care. Not happening. I told you that’s a hard line for me.”

“Will a possible 2,500 dollar payout blur that hard-line?” I cough to keep from choking on my next words. 2,500 dollars per game can drastically change the course of mom’s treatment. She needs the consistency of PT. She won’t do exercises on her own. If I take this bet, I could quit gambling after this weekend.

“You better not be playing with me, Logan. I swear to God.” Anger laced in my voice. This is serious cash and can change my life in more ways than one.

“I never play when it comes to business. Are you in or out?” he asks.

I left the balcony door cracked to listen for Violet. Faint tapping of feet on the hardwood floor approaches the living room. “Babe, where are you?” Her sweet voice calls out to me. If only she knew how horribly toxic and secretive her boyfriend really is.

I mute Logan’s call and yell, “On the phone with my mom on the balcony. Give me a minute.” My heart thumps out of my chest, and I’m hit with instant nausea. Lying to Violet does that to me.

It’s for the best. I try to convince myself that I’m doing the right thing by keeping her out of this.

I push the button to unmute Logan. “Send it over.”

I hang up before he can answer.

Walking back into the apartment, I see Violet sitting on the couch, flipping through shows, trying to decide what to watch. My head is all over the place. I push my thoughts and poor decisions aside because I don’t want to ruin this night between us. She already had to deal with my moody departure at the banquet. I don’t want to give her any more reasons to worry or doubt me.

I grab her favorite purple blanket out of the little chest, which she swears keeps the blanket organized, and slip my body beside hers. It’s coated with fur and sheds like a dog in the summer. The fur gets in her mouth when she snuggles with it, and I laugh every time she makes a sour face to get the pieces off her tongue.

She looked sexier than ever tonight at the banquet, but I prefer this version of her. She’s wearing her flannel pajamas and fuzzy socks, hair thrown up in a messy bun, her face shiny and bare with no makeup. She always has a thin layer of chapstick applied, making her full lips glisten. Her head rests on my broad shoulder, with my arm wrapped around her waist. She curls into a little ball under the fluffy blanket. I could care less what is on. Instead, I stare down at the sleepy girl nuzzled beside me. I would watch this on repeat for the rest of my life.

After an hour, Violet's breathing becomes steady– drifting into a deep sleep on my shoulder. I selfishly leave her there instead of waking her up because I love the way her head feels resting on my shoulder. I begin sweating, so I move her an inch to take my shirt off. Now, her cheek is placed on my bare chest. Her soft breaths hit me with warmth. Focusing on her body’s response helps take my thoughts away from the decision I made tonight. I’m betting on a Springs U game, something I swore I would never do, but the money is too good to pass up. Mom’s care is more important than my potential football career. Keep telling yourself that. I bargain with my own thoughts and convince myself that it is ok because I’m betting on us to win, not lose. That counts for something, right? This had better be the shortest week of my life so I could move past this without getting caught by the NCAA or the angel lying on my chest.

***

I stayed at Violet’s for the rest of the weekend. We had lazy days filled with binge-watching her favorite shows and ordering late-night pizza in between last-minute playoff prep with the team. Liza and Hartley have been here, too, so it’s been nice not to be alone all the time. Spending more time with Violet and Hartley shows me how much they deeply care for each other. Violet keeps him on a straight path, and Hartley pushes her to live a little. I’m such a hypocrite praising Violet for keeping Hartley straight when I haven’t given her a chance to help me.

The whole weekend, my mind was at war with wanting to give in to the nagging urge to tell her my secret, but I couldn't do it. Monday rolls around, and I have a packed schedule. Violet and I walk hand in hand to the class we share together. It’s quickly become my favorite class of the semester. When I look at her, she seems distant. Her usual frantic body language seems oddly withdrawn. Calm isn’t a good sign when it comes to my girl.

“Is everything ok?” I ask.

“Yes." She nods her head a few times, but her face morphs into a frown. "No." She shakes her head. "Not really, but it’s nothing for you to worry about,” she replies nervously, picking at her fingernails. I pry further. I’m a fixer, after all.

“Please, baby, tell me,” I plead with her. I expect her to share her thoughts with me, but I can’t reciprocate. Hypocrite.

“I’ll tell you, but please don’t worry. I’ll figure it out,” she says dryly.

“Hit me.” I’m not promising anything. I’m a bulldozer, and if it’s something I can fix, I’ll do it.

“I got an email from the financial aid department this morning. They are cutting my financial aid amount because of ‘budget cuts’. I’m just stressed about money, but I applied at a few restaurants downtown. I just hope I have enough time to save up before next year’s fees are due.” She bites her fingernails the entire time she rattles on about this situation.

I’m fuming. How could they take her money away? Violet is wicked smart, and Springs U would risk losing her because of stupid budget cuts? We have guys barely scraping by on the team riding full scholarships. She shows up early to class, takes extra credit hours to get ahead, and completes her assignments weeks in advance. College isn’t fair.

“Let me help you apply for jobs,” I hold both of her hands in mine and rub circles on the back of them with my thumbs.

“This is why I didn’t want to tell you or Hartley. I don’t want you two worrying about me. I can fix this. I just need time to find a job, and then, I’ll be fine.”

“What if time runs out? You’re not dropping out.”

“If I have to sit out a semester, it won’t be the end of the world. I’ll still graduate.” I’m just now noticing the red rings under her eyes. Has she been crying?

My voice goes deep, turning serious, “You’re not sitting out a semester and wasting away. I will find you a job before that happens.” She’s so stubborn. I won't allow her to sit out a semester because of financial aid money.

“Just let me try to handle this on my own first. Please .”

I look into those beautiful eyes that make my world spin. My shoulders lower as I sigh. “Alright .”

We walk into class and don’t speak for an hour and a half. Violet takes notes, listening to our old professor babble on about a book that is at least one hundred years old. I couldn’t care less about it. My eyes find Violet every few minutes.

There’s no way I’ll let my girl waste away next semester. She’s the most driven person I’ve ever met, and I can’t swallow the thought of her losing her chance at her dreams. I’ll research job openings in the area tonight. I can make calls to the connections that we have through the football team, too. I wish I weren’t stretched so thin with medical bills and hiding how I’m getting the money so quickly. If I wasn’t, I could help Violet more than just searching for jobs to apply for. I would do this for her if I could.