22. Ryan

22

Ryan

I wanted to tell her, but I couldn’t. She would look at me with pity. I couldn’t stomach seeing the broken reflection in her eyes. She would tell me there is another way to fix this. There might be another way for someone else, but for me, in this lifetime, there isn’t.

When I left her sitting at the kitchen table, I wanted to punch a hole through the wall and destroy everything I could get my hands on. I knew I was hurting her by shutting her out the way I did, but I couldn’t see another way around it besides lying. Confusion was written all over her face. Concern etched deep in her brow. I needed to walk out and clear my head. The same conversation kept replaying in my head over and over like a broken record of the worst song ever produced.

“Mr. Shane, yes, your mother’s treatment cost has increased substantially. After running the claim through her insurance, we’re looking at roughly five hundred dollars per visit.”

I called the doctor’s office as soon as I walked out of my mom’s room. The call ended before Violet snuck up on me in the kitchen. I had already made up my mind that no matter the cost, I would get the money.

A legal way? No . A way that could change the course of my future forever? Yes . Whatever. It needs to be done. I don’t have a future anyway if I lose her.

“When is the money due? I can pay one month at a time. Please tell me this will get her back on schedule.”

“Yes. We can do that, Mr. Shane.”

You know the rest. What you don’t know is that after I stormed out of the kitchen and didn’t come back until dark. I made a call to an old friend, Logan Jones. Friend isn’t exactly the right word. He doesn’t care about me or look out for my best interest like a good friend would.

With shaky hands, I jump in my car to minimize the risk of someone in the neighborhood hearing my conversation. I unlock my phone and stare at the contact info of the person I thought I removed from my life permanently. I thought I gave up that part of my life long ago. Springs U gave me a new purpose. If I kept up the football seasons I’ve been having, I would be a first or second-round draft pick. I thought I had a future with the shy girl that bulldozed my life and turned it upside down. That future may have included a decent house, wife, kids, and a white picket fence. Dreams of a better life disappeared before my eyes when Logan answered the call after two short rings.

“Shane. Long time no see. Whatcha been up to, man? Miss the old game?” He chuckles into the phone as if I’m not single-handedly ruining my life with this call. Logan is twenty-five. When I met him in high school, he had already dropped out.

“Cut the crap Logan. You’re still in the books, right?”

“Yep. I never stopped. Money’s too good. Whatcha looking to do?”

This time will be different. I know my mistakes last time and won’t let myself get caught this time. I can’t afford to.

“College football bets. Send me the next few weeks on the cards. I need the money.”

“That’s my boy. Wait, I thought you were some hotshot college football star now? You know this won’t fly if the NCAA finds out?” he asks with fake concern. Logan doesn’t care if this ruins my college football career or demolishes my chances at the pros. All he cares about is the next check that hits the banks.

“You think I’m stupid, Logan? Do what you do best and get the odds over to me as soon as possible.”

“Alright, Shane, I’ve got you.”

I end the call, punch the steering wheel until my knuckles bleed, and let out a guttural sob until late afternoon.

Being evasive with my girlfriend today wasn’t on my bingo card for the holidays, but here we are. I know I should end things with her. She doesn’t deserve my complicated life full of lies and questionable decisions. I know I’m doing wrong by her, and she’ll never forgive me when she finds out what I’ve done. That was my plan when I came back home tonight, but when I open my bedroom door and see those crystal blue eyes that have somehow altered my brain chemistry over the last few months, I can’t. Call me selfish, but if our relationship, inevitably, has an expiration date, I want to spend every waking moment worshiping the ground she walks on.

***

We said goodbye to Mom bright and early the next morning. She has a flair for dramatics and cried as we pulled out of the driveway. I know I’m doing right by her and giving her every opportunity to prioritize her health, but why does doing the right thing have to feel like I'm dying inside?

I haven’t said much to Violet, so she takes that as a cue to connect her phone to my Bluetooth. She blasts Taylor Swift’s All Too Well , and if I were a betting man– you are, you moron– I would say this song is predicting our future. Instead of being honest with Violet or breaking up with her to let her find someone who has a secure future, I grab her hand and trace circles on her smooth skin. I’m a glutton for punishment.

“I have practice this afternoon, but I can come by tonight,” I say.

“That sounds good. I know playoff season is intense, but you have nothing to worry about. You’re talented,” she squeezes my hand to reassure me.

My stomach bottoms out at her words because she thinks this is about football. Keeping such a huge part of my life from her is a betrayal, but it’s better this way.

“The pressure to perform is always there, but I’ll chill out after round one.”

She shoots me that smile that I’ve grown to love more than anything in this world, and the guilt continues to eat away at me. I need to get my head straight before practice. The last thing I need is to blow my cover to the team before I have any cash rolling in.

Before long, we pull up to her apartment. Continuing my tradition of walking her to the door, I give her a gentle kiss and promise to be back later, but before she disappears into the apartment, I remember something important I need to ask.

“Vi, wait. Would you be my date to the football banquet? Coach makes it mandatory for the players, but it usually isn’t too painful.” I chuckle and shove my hands in my pockets.

“Of course. What should I wear?” Her eyes shine with the sun peeping in from the stairwell.

“It’s pretty fancy. Liza went with Locke last year, so she should be able to help better than I could.”

“I can’t wait.” She raises to her tiptoes, locks her arms around my neck, and sends me off with a quick peck.