Chapter Forty-Three

EVERY DAY FOR THE NEXT couple of months was spent preparing for the upcoming battle. My days were full of strategy meetings and plans, working out, combat-training with Alvaro, and something only the Council of Doctrina knew about—getting our back-up plan ready. As we closed in on the week before the showdown, everyone seemed eager to spend it filling every second with loved ones. We'd trained as much as a nation could, and with only a week left before the big fight, it was time everyone rested and soaked up time together.

Just in case.

It was a phrase I'd been saying to myself a lot.

I'm going to visit this family today. Just in case.

I'm going to paint this scene. Just in case.

I'm going to make this Plan B for everyone. Just in case.

If my fight with Elias went sideways, I wasn't about to let all my people follow me in death, so the Council of Doctrina and I had set a plan for everyone to fall back and escape to the human realm should I die. Dallas hated the plan. Rune was livid at the suggestion. But everyone agreed and understood that it was for just in case .

Now I sat along the back shores behind the palace with the moon and stars high in the sky. Torches had been staked into the sand, illuminating the area of the beach and ocean that my friends and I were using. Ardley, Khalani, Jayanna, Dallas, and Rance waded in the shallows of the ocean, splashing one another and laughing. Bassel, Carlos, Marlow, Alvaro, and the twins were building sand castles along the edge of the tide. Imani and Avana sat around a blanket with a solemn-looking Mingxia, and even though grief still clouded her eyes after losing Marcus, she was at least here . Akira sat in between Jesiah's legs, and the larger man held the Raven Fae tightly in his arms. The two sat right next to Rune and me, who mirrored their position.

"I nearly forgot how beautiful the night sky is in Ambrolia," Akira commented with a contented sigh.

Smiling, I took note of the overly large moon and black sky that seemed to move from all the twinkling stars. "It is definitely gorgeous. I don't think you could ever see this many stars in the human realm. And I know you'd never be able to find the moon that big ."

"It has to be that big to house the Lunar Fae," Jesiah stated matter-of-factly.

So many different kinds of Fae out there. I wonder if they'd be happy with the end of the war, too, or if they'd even notice it.

Akira pursed his lips as he continued to stare down the moon. "I bet I could fly up there."

Jesiah chuckled. "Of course you could, my sora ."

Akira leaned forward to smile at me and reached his arm out to grab my hand. "Bria-chan! Let's do it. Fly with me!"

I squeezed Akira's hand and shook my head. "As much as I love you, I was scared shitless the last time I left the ground with you, and that was just a mere three stories up to my balcony at Myra's house. There's no way I could handle flying so high up!"

The Raven pouted, and Jesiah nodded. "Smart choice, Your Majesty."

Akira's gaze shot daggers Jesiah's way. He tipped his chin up and left the dark man's embrace. We watched as Akira got to his feet, let his wings out with a loud snap, and leapt into the air.

"You've done it now," Rune laughed, shoving Jesiah in the arm. "Now he's gonna stay up there until you admit he flies well."

Akira soared high into the sky with an ease and grace that was stunning and mesmerizing to watch, like freedom in physical form.

Jesiah cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled, "Okay! I take back what I said. You fly beautifully!"

Akira blazed through the sky, and with a flip midair, he nose-dived toward the sea. Just as he was about to reach the waves, he leveled out and zoomed over the tide and beach, smacking right into Jesiah's open arms. The two fell back in a plume of sand with a groan.

Everyone laughed at the tackle and watched the couple sit up, Akira with a smug, knowing smirk, and Jesiah with a teasing grin.

It was fun. It was easy. It was everything I'd loved about our friendship.

And it was what I feared losing.

My chest tightened, and as much as I tried pushing away the negative thought, it stayed there. I'd kept so busy over the past three months that I'd somehow managed to avoid feeding into my worries and fears. But avoiding them and tucking them away to deal with later now had me on the verge of imploding. As I watched the people who had become my family laugh, mess around, and relax, the anxiety that was always swirling around inside me rose up like smoke from a flame about to ignite.

Clearing my throat, I turned in Rune's grasp and placed my hands on the sides of his neck, winding them to the back of his head. "I'll be right back."

The carefree glimmer that had been in his eyes slowly dimmed. "Is everything okay?"

I opened my mouth to give him reassurance, but I didn't think I could lie convincingly right now. So, instead, I gave him a small smile and said, "Not really. That's why I need to step away for a moment. I'll be fine, I promise. I just … I need a second."

He looked as if he wanted to argue, and I knew his hesitation came from what had happened the last time I went out on my own during the night.

I squeezed the back of his neck and added, "I'm not going to do anything stupid or reckless like last time. I'm just going for a walk to clear my head."

He seemed to understand that I needed this. So, reluctantly, he let me out of his arms.

I pecked his cheek with a small kiss and got to my feet. I started walking along the beach, not knowing where I was going or what I was doing. I just needed to walk.

My body moved on autopilot, walking across the sandy beach until I reached the edge of the island. I didn't let that stop me. I waded into the water, and it was like a part of me knew where to go, knew where I needed to be—the one place I'd always found solace when I was overwhelmed and troubled.

I emerged onto the bank of the mainland and trekked my way to the realm opening. I held my hand up to the open air where I knew the gateway stood, and the veil between Ambrolia and the human realm fizzled open beneath my palm.

I stepped out and was greeted by springtime.

Five months.

I'd already been in Ambrolia for five months.

I'd left the human world behind in colors of red and gold and stepped back into it to find startling greens.

A tightness enveloped my chest as I slowly walked, noting the pine trees, blooming forest floor, and sounds of the nearby lake. I left the cover of the trees for where my team and I had camouflaged our SUVs.

A fine layer of dust had gathered on the interior, but I ignored it as I started the ignition and took off. I was still numb as I drove, almost as if my mind was waiting until I arrived at my destination to let everything out. My head wanted the comfort of it just as much as my body did, and it refused to let me process anything until we were there.

When I got to campus, I felt the first few bricks holding everything back begin to crumble. I pulled into guest parking since I was no longer a student here, and that thought caused more cracks to form in the mortar between the bricks. As I got out and stared at my old dorm, my old window, and the trees beyond the building, I thought about the girl who'd called this home for a time. She was eager, naive, and absolutely clueless about the world and herself. She was timid, careful, and excited for the future she was building. A future that involved movie nights with her best friend and doing everything she could to become a painter.

More bricks cracked and crumbled.

Bria, the painter.

What a dream that was.

What an artist she would've been.

I pushed away from the SUV and finally made my way into the woods behind my dorm. It was a path I'd walked countless times, and even though I hadn't been here in over five months, even though spring had changed its appearance, I still knew the path as well as I knew the lines of my palm. Before long, I emerged from the trees and found myself in my old safe haven.

My clearing.

My creek.

The sensations, emotions, and memories hit me all at once like a wrecking ball. The walls crumbled, and so did I. I stumbled to the creek bed where I'd always sat and sank to my knees.

The silent tears came first, followed by the loud sobs.

Springtime.

If things had been different, I would've been in Italy right now. I would've been working with my hero, the acclaimed painter, Luca Romano. I would've been pursuing my dream of being an artist, a dream I'd laid aside for a new one. But one that still begged to be given a chance inside me.

I clutched my hands to my chest and folded in on myself as more tears fell down my cheeks. My watery reflection stared up at me as my face hovered over the water—a reflection that looked far different than the girl who was here last. My long locks were now mostly blue, only remaining blonde at the top. My eyes were hollower and less vibrant from the stress that had dimmed their hue.

Gone was the Bria from before.

Twigs snapped to my left, and I quickly looked over my shoulder, only to be hit with a new flood of bittersweet emotions.

Four black paws padded the green earth as a silver fox emerged from the foliage.

My fox.

His amber eyes locked on mine as he slowly crossed the earth and came to settle right beside me. The necklace I'd given him draped around his neck, and seeing him wearing it after so long made my throat burn with fresh emotion. He'd kept the strand of jewelry away these days for safe-keeping, yet here it was now.

He stared up at me and sat on his hind legs, and he leaned forward to press his nose to my cheek where a tear fell. He didn't shift forms. He didn't make a move to try to convince me to follow him back. He stayed as he was. My fox, here to sit and listen as he'd always done.

Lips quivering, I squeezed my eyes shut and let my head hang again. "I'm such a wreck, Rune. I've been trying to keep it all in. I've been trying not to think about everything that's happening. But now it's breaking me."

I found my gaze in the water again. "I never really processed the life I was leaving behind. When I made the decision to accept who I was and decided to try to end the war, I didn't truly come to terms with what I was giving up in the process. I never let myself think about the dreams I had lost or the life that could've been mine if things were different, so now I … I—"

I looked at the place in the water where my gifts had awakened all those months ago during my fight with Jonah. "Now I'm grieving the loss of that Bria. I'm grieving the loss of the girl who died the day this version of me was born."

I wiped at my face with the back of my hand, though it did nothing since the tears kept coming. "I love who I am. I wouldn't change that or what we're doing. I haven't felt more alive, more free, or more myself than I do as the Water Fae that I am, but I also miss the normal me sometimes. I miss painting. I miss only having to worry about homework and exams. I miss being human sometimes. Is that selfish?"

I looked at my fox, and he shook his head to say no. He'd once said that I was still allowed to want things and be things outside of a Queen and leader. I'd never really let myself think that, though. When I started this, my first priority had become my people and stopping this war, and that was all I'd thought about. That had come back to bite me in the butt, because now all my old wants were rearing their head and breaking me down.

And those old desires weren't the only things weighing me down, either.

Fresh cries sprang from my lips as I thought about what initially brought me here, what worry had unfurled so dangerously large inside of me that I had to escape to finally release it. My fox nudged my shoulder and forced me back enough to sit up. His paws tapped my knee, and I moved to sit crisscrossed. He climbed into my lap, and I wrapped my arms around his small form, crying into his soft fur. He rested his head on my shoulder and emitted a soft, soothing rumble as though to console me.

I leaned back enough to look down at him through my blurry lashes. He stared back at me like he was waiting on me to tell him what was burdening me.

I let out a breathy, pained laugh. "You always were willing to listen to me talk about my problems." My heart grew heavy like stone. I dropped my head to press my forehead to his, and my voice cracked as I confessed, "I'm so scared, because I know we aren't all coming home."

He nuzzled his snout into my cheek, and I clung to him like he was my life preserver in turbulent seas. I'd finally voiced the thing that plagued me most.

I had chosen this path.

I had chosen this fight for peace.

But at the cost of all our lives.

It was a risk we all knew, and only those willing to die for our goal were riding into battle.

Which meant everyone I cared about and loved could walk onto that field and never leave it again.

"I don't want to lose them," I choked out into Rune's fur. "I don't want to lose you. I need my family."

A slender arm suddenly wrapped around my shoulder. I whipped my head up to find a bleary-eyed Dallas sinking to her knees on my left. She smiled at me as tears rolled down her cheeks. A hand covered mine where it wrapped around my fox, and I looked to find Akira sitting on my right and gripping my hand.

"H-How did you guys—" I stuttered, shocked to see them.

"Rune was worried about you," Akira revealed, brushing my hair back from my face. "He had a hunch that if you were trying to decompress, you'd come here. So, he came, and the rest of us followed him."

"The rest of you?" I asked, looking between Akira and Dallas.

Dallas nodded behind me.

I looked over my shoulder to find everyone gathered at the edge of the clearing. The twins were the first to run over, dropping in front of me. They placed their hands on my legs and smiled up at me.

"You're our family, too," Greshim said. "So don't cry alone."

"We love you, B-Bria," Newt added.

Their words sparked fresh tears but also a warmth unlike any other deep inside my chest.

"We can't promise what will happen," Ardley said as he got down on the ground by the twins.

"But whatever happens," Bassel continued, placing a hand on my back as he and Carlos crowded in behind me.

"You don't have to go through it alone," Rance reassured as he, Avana, and Imani got on their knees beside Dallas.

"Because we're family," Jesiah finished with a warm smile. He sat right next to Akira with Khalani and Jayanna sitting next to him.

"And we all love you," Marlow added as he and Alvaro gathered on the ground behind the twins.

My heart was so full as I soaked in the words and love from those around me, and it spurred emotion to pour out of me. They were right. I wasn't alone, and the darkness that tormented me was one I could confide in them about. We may not be able to take each other's pain away, but we could hold each other's hand while we faced it. And that was just as important, if not more so.

"We can't guarantee who will make it," Dallas whispered as she squeezed me.

"So let's hold each other tightly while we're all still here," Akira finished as he let go of my hand to wrap his arms around Rune and me.

Dallas mirrored him, hugging us on the opposite side. Everyone reached forward to wrap their arms around the person next to them until everyone was huddled tightly together in one large embrace.

Everything I'd been working for was right here. It was for everyone gathered here in this tight hug. My family. We were all different shapes, colors, and Fae, and most of us didn't share a drop of blood. But those differences meant nothing in the face of how much we loved one another.

This was family.

This was love.

And this was what I'd fight for until the very end.