Chapter Twenty-Four

I sat in my room and stared down at my luggage. For weeks I’d pretended we still had time, had pretended the end wasn’t near, but now as I stared down at my clothes neatly packed into three pieces of luggage, tears burned in my eyes. On top of my clothes rested my dipl?me. I’d really finished my fashion studies in Paris, had lived my dream for three years, had tasted unbridled freedom, had fallen in love.

And tomorrow I’d return to Chicago to take up my duties again. In eight months, I’d marry Clifford. The next months in my life would be filled with wedding planning—of course Mom and Dolora had already started—and social events.

I’d have to figure out a way to find my way back into the more restricted life in Chicago. And I’d have to figure out how to fall out of love with Santino again, had to stop my belly from bustling with butterflies every time he entered a room, which still happened after almost three years of sharing a bed.

I couldn’t imagine letting him go, but the more I thought about how things would be between us once we were back the more I realized I didn’t have a choice. If I didn’t end things between us now, I might never be able to do it. And that wasn’t an option. The future of the Outfit rested on my shoulders, and there was no way I’d disappoint my parents like that.

I pushed to my feet and went to Santino’s room. He closed his suitcase when I entered and looked up.

“All done?” I asked. My voice sounded off, almost hesitant.

Santino nodded slowly, his brows drawing together as he regarded my face then a strange smile pulled at his lips. He nodded with a bitter laugh. “It’s time, isn’t it?”

I swallowed, not sure if he really knew what needed to happen. Could he read me this easily?

Of course. We’d spent every day and night together in the last three years. He knew every inch of my skin, had kissed and touched it all, knew every imperfection and all the places that gave me the most pleasure. But as he’d discovered my body, he’d also seen all that lay below. He knew me like no one else did, not even my family.

I searched for the right words, for something that would make this easier. “We can’t keep doing this.”

I couldn’t even put a name on what we had because we’d never defined it. We slept together. We shared a bed and jokes, we bantered and talked seriously. Maybe we were friends with benefits, but Santino and I had never been friends. Not really, and it didn’t feel like we were now. Could we become friends? Could any part of our connection survive in Chicago? Was it clever to even consider it?

“Having sex?” Santino asked in a low voice, walking closer. My body yearned for his touch as if I’d already gone without it for months. “Sharing a bed? Spending time together like a couple?”

Couple. Had he just compared us to a couple?

My heart seemed too heavy for my ribcage as if it might fall and shatter on the floor any moment.

“We always knew it couldn’t last. We knew how it would end.”

“You marrying Clifford.”

“Yes,” I said tonelessly.

He stopped in front of me, touching my cheek. I stared at his chest, afraid to meet his gaze. I knew it would consume me whole.

“Have you ever just for a second considered following your heart? Have you ever allowed yourself to consider canceling your engagement and giving us a real chance?”

I couldn’t believe what he said, couldn’t believe he broke our unspoken agreement to not consider a future together. Why did he have to make this harder than it was?

Had I considered it?

Yes, of course. Every night I fell asleep in Santino’s arms and every morning I woke beside him.

But I’d never allowed the idea to fester, and I wouldn’t allow it now.

“No,” I said firmly.

Santino nudged my face up, his brown eyes locking on mine. I steeled myself. “You’re a good liar but I know you.”

“You know me well, Santino, but you don’t know everything, especially not my heart. First and foremost, I’m loyal to my family, and they need me to marry Clifford. I won’t disappoint them.”

“Marrying a bodyguard would most certainly be a disappointment.”

I glared. “We always knew this couldn’t be! Don’t act like you were about to propose to me.”

“You’re right. I suppose it’s a good thing then that I asked your father three years ago to let me return to the job of Enforcer after Paris. That way we won’t see each other anymore. A clean cut, how you want it.”

I froze. I’d thought I’d at least still see Santino, still be able to talk to him. “You never told me.”

He shrugged. “Like you, I often forgot there was a time after Paris.”

I forced a smile. “You never liked being my bodyguard, so now you get your wish.”

Santino glanced at his watch. “We should go to sleep. Our flight leaves early.”

I pressed my lips together. “Won’t we spend our last night together?” I forced my lips into a coy smile, not wanting to be sappy.

Santino’s expression was emotionless. “I don’t think that would be wise. We should spend the night in our beds.”

“You’re right,” I said with forced resoluteness. “A clean cut is what we need.”

I turned around and returned to my bedroom, wiping my eyes brutally.

We were silent on the flight back home. Santino watched an action movie on the small seat TV and I stared out of the window. I hadn’t slept much last night and felt bone-tired but my whirling thoughts kept me awake.

I hadn’t seen Clifford since his impromptu surprise visit in Paris almost three years ago. We’d always missed each other with him studying a few semesters in Oxford and traveling to political events with his father, and me being gone in Paris. I had a feeling he’d avoided me. And I hadn’t minded. Seeing him would have only ripped open wounds, wounds that hadn’t even happened yet. Since then a lot had changed. I had changed. Santino and I had changed. We’d gotten even closer. What we had gone far beyond the physical. What we’d had…

Santino and I, we couldn’t be anymore. This morning our interaction had been detached and professional.

I’d hated every second of it. It was probably for the best that he wouldn’t serve as my bodyguard anymore.

I was nervous. Nervous how I’d return to my old life, how I’d manage to allow closeness with Clifford. How I’d convince everyone I was okay. Leonas was the only one who knew about Santino, but he wasn’t the person to whom I’d talk about heartbreak. Because it felt like heartbreak. Falling out of love with someone took more than a conversation about a clean cut.

Maybe I could tell Luisa and Sofia… But I had practically lied to them these last three years too. I wasn’t even sure why I hadn’t told them anything on the few parties we’d seen each other in person. Maybe I’d thought it would make ending things easier if nobody knew. But now I wished I’d had someone who’d give me a pep talk. In the last three years, Santino had been the pep talker, mostly by telling me to stop throwing myself a pity party whenever something didn’t go to plan or I got a mediocre grade, but for obvious reasons, he couldn’t take up that role anymore.

“Stop fretting. Nobody will notice anything. You fooled me into believing you were experienced three years ago, and that’s a remarkable feed. You’re a marvelous liar.”

This wasn’t the banter we’d shared before sex, this was the annoyed voice of the past.

I hated that Santino could so easily switch back to being the asshole. “Now that we’re back, will you return to servicing the lonely wives in Chicago?” I asked, trying to sound casual.

Santino raised one brow. “Will you return to kissing Cliffy?”

“He’s my fiancé.”

The sardonic smile Santino gave me made me furious. How could he be this blasé about this? We’d been sleeping together, eating together, doing pretty much everything together for years and he didn’t seem to care.

“And I’m very obviously not,” he muttered. “I’m your bodyguard. As such, I’m not required to tell you about my sexual partners, or did I miss a clause in my contract?”

“You don’t have a contract. You have an eternally binding oath to my father, your Capo, to protect me that you’re obviously not honoring. If you were honorable, you’d at least keep watching me until I marry.”

Santino’s smile became dangerous. “Touché. I almost forgot that you’re my Capo’s daughter. But my oath isn’t eternally binding, only until I get killed protecting your perky ass.”

“I don’t want you to get killed for me.”

“Oh, Anna, I have a feeling that’s not up to you to decide. You’ll be my death one way or another.”

I glared. “You’re being melodramatic.”

“I learned from the best.”

I sighed and looked out of the window. We’d almost reached O’Hare. “I don’t want to get used to a new bodyguard now.”

What was I doing?

Santino didn’t say anything.

“So you’ll have a sleepover with Mrs. Clark tonight?”

Why couldn’t I shut up? I had been the one who wanted to end things and now I was clinging to Santino.

“She’s probably found a replacement. I’ll have to find a new lonely wife to service.”

“There are plenty to choose from.”

“In a few years, you’ll be one of them and I can be your closet lover.”

“I don’t want to burst your bubble, Sonny, but if I go looking for a lover when I’m a married woman, it’ll be a younger, less jaded man.”

I hated this. But it was for the best.

I couldn’t wait for the airplane doors to open. I wanted to get away. I couldn’t take any more of this.

Mom and Dad waited at the airport and I rushed toward them. Mom hugged me too tightly and Dad scanned me from head to top as if he wanted to determine I was really in one piece. He’d done it during each of my visits. He nodded at Santino as if he was silently praising him for keeping me safe. If Dad knew half the things that Santino and I had done…

It was better if I didn’t think about it. It was over now.

Santino gave me a cool nod before he said to Dad, “I’m heading home now to catch up on sleep.”

“I’m here to protect them, go ahead,” Dad said.

Without another word, Santino walked off. I swallowed, forcing my gaze away from his leaving form. Was this our final goodbye?

Dad picked me up at the airport. One look at my face and his expression filled with concern.

I sagged into the passenger seat, feeling like someone had used me as their mental punching bag. I’d always been good at casual sex, at keeping emotions out of the mix, but Anna had shown me the limitations of my control.

“You can tell me anything, son, you know that. Do I have to worry?”

I sighed. “I suppose you don’t have to worry anymore.”

Dad tore his gaze away from the street. He was usually a very vigilant driver and didn’t let anything distract him, so this meant I had to really worry him.

“Anna and I have been together for the last three years.”

I could see the color drain from Dad’s face, but he didn’t interrupt me for which I was grateful. I needed to get this off my chest.

I needed to share this with someone. Maybe because it made it more real, made it seem like more than a figment of my imagination. Sometimes the last three years had seemed like a dream. I didn’t have a single photo of Anna and me together, not a single proof, which was for the best but at the same time, it made it feel like the last three years hadn’t happened, as if I was waking from a coma and life had passed me by.

“But it’s over now.”

Dad cleared his throat, probably trying to stop himself from giving me a tongue-lashing. “That’s the right decision.”

“It wasn’t mine,” I said.

“Anna ended things?”

“She did, because she’s loyal to her family and the Outfit.”

Dad pulled up in front of my apartment building but we didn’t get out of the car. He regarded me silently. “You never wanted me to look for a wife for you, but there are many families who’d gladly give their daughters to you.”

“You never dated seriously after Mom died.”

Dad searched my eyes then touched my shoulder. “Sonny, I always feared one day you’d lose your heart to a married woman.”

“See, I knew better and chose an engaged woman.”

Dad didn’t smile. “You have to accept Anna’s decision for both your sakes.”

“I know,” I said. And I fucking did.

The next day, Dante asked me to come over for a final conversation about my Paris assignment. I’d already called Arturo for a meet-up in the evening and chat about us working together again. Anna moved on with her life, and I would too.

I entered through the guard house entrance and headed through the underground corridor toward the mansion. I felt fucking anxious.

The second I entered the house, I knew why. Anna lingered in the corridor in front of Dante’s office. That was definitely not a coincidence.

I strolled toward her, trying to keep my cool, but my heartbeat sped up as it always did when I saw her. She wore the last dress she’d sewed in Paris, a form-fitting, long-sleeved mini-dress with an asymmetric neckline. It was the first time I saw it on her. She looked marvelous in it.

Our eyes locked. “Ready to resign?” she said quietly.

I didn’t say anything, only walked past her and knocked at the office door. Anna walked off without another word. It took all my self-control not to chase after her and kiss her.

During our meeting, Dante expressed his gratitude and satisfaction over the work I’d done in Paris. I couldn’t deny it. I felt guilty for betraying my Capo, but I knew I’d do it all over again, even knowing the end result. I didn’t want to miss a single moment I’d spent with Anna.

Dante browsed through a few papers on his desk, only briefly glancing up to ask, “I assume you still want to put down your position as bodyguard and return to working as an Enforcer?”

“Why do you ask?”

“I won’t lie. I’d prefer to have you as Anna’s bodyguard. I trust you. But I’ll honor my promise, so if you want to be Enforcer, the job’s yours again.”

“I’ve actually been thinking about remaining Anna’s bodyguard. That way I can keep working together with my dad.”

What did I just say? Had I lost my fucking mind?

Dante gave me a small smile, no longer interested in his papers, his attention now fully on me. “I’m glad to hear that.” He came around the desk and held out his hand. After rising to my feet, I shook it, knowing I’d just made a huge mistake.

“Do you need a few more days off before you work again? I realize you haven’t had a real vacation in three years.”

“A few days off would be great.”

I needed to get a grip. Working with Anna was a fucking risk. I could only hope she’d make good on her words and keep her distance from me because I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands to myself if she made a move.

After four days off, I stepped into the Cavallaro mansion to guard Anna. She came down the stairs and paused briefly when she spotted me before she proceeded. She stopped a few steps from me and crossed her ankles. She only ever stood like that when she was nervous. “My dad told me you haven’t resigned.”

“I’ll stay your bodyguard for however long you need me.”

Anna smiled, and fuck, my insides lit up like the tree in front of the Trump Tower in New York before Christmas.

“I’m glad,” she said softly, taking a step toward me then stopping.

“We’re going to work together on a professional level.”

Anna nodded. “Of course. As we discussed.”

“Good,” I said, then glanced at my watch. “Do you have any meetings scheduled for the day?”

“Lunch with Luisa, that’s it. Next week will be busier. I’ll share my schedule with you vie Airdrop later.”

“I’d appreciate that.”

Anna nodded, then motioned toward the door. She crossed her ankles again, her elegant fingers playing with a gold bracelet she’d gotten from Clifford for Christmas. His mother had handed it to Anna because he’d been away with his father. It was the first time Anna wore it since that day and it was a painful reminder of the man she actually belonged to. I’d never gifted her anything lasting because that like photos might have been proof. Every single of my presents had been perishable, flowers, food, an activity. Perishable like what we’d had.

“We should head out now. Luisa is always on time.”

I led Anna to the Mercedes limousine in front of the mansion and opened the back door for her. It was the first time in three years that Anna wouldn’t be riding in the front with me.

She gave me a polite smile and slipped into the back seat. I closed the door and took a deep breath before I got in.

We rode in silence for a while. It felt suffocating. My fingers on the steering wheel tightened with every passing second. Why hadn’t I taken Dante up on his promise? Why was I torturing myself like this?

Did I really want to protect Anna on dates with Clifford? Or while she chose flowers for the wedding? Or tried on her wedding dress?

“Stop.”

I glanced at Anna through the rearview mirror.

“Stop!” she screamed.

I swerved the car over to a diner parking lot and came to a halt. I unbuckled my belt and turned around. “What’s wrong?”

Anna unbuckled her belt, leaned toward me, and grabbed my collar. Then she pulled me in for a kiss.

My body sprang to life immediately. No hesitation. No professionalism.

“I need you. Now,” Anna whispered between kisses.

She tugged harder at my shirt. I angled my body around and half fell through the gap between the front seats. I climbed on top of Anna. We began tugging at our clothes, needing to feel naked skin.

Only the tinted windows protected our secret from the outside world. It was too risky but neither of us cared.

When I plunged into Anna, our bodies flush together, I knew I’d take whatever Anna was willing to give me, for however long. Maybe it would be enough.