Chapter Twenty-four

Darien

I’d lived on my own for years, few of my relationships making it to where we’d even considered cohabiting, never mind put it into practice. Yet, never had the house seemed as empty as it did now. And Felix had only been gone for ten minutes. I’d spent that time wandering from room to room, every place seeming to contain some small reminder of Felix.

There was a pie in the kitchen ready to go into the oven that Felix must have made that day. There were the jeans in the bedroom he hadn’t been able to fit into the bag in his haste to leave. He’d left his toiletries in the bathroom, shower gel, shaving foam, and deodorant still sat forlornly on the shelf I’d cleared for him. Even the living room didn’t escape Felix’s influence, the book on the coffee table one he’d been reading .

Picking the book up, I collapsed back onto the sofa, staring at the cover without really seeing it. How the hell had things gone wrong so quickly? I’d had a scenario in my head where I’d get home and I’d sit Felix down and confess to where I’d been that day. We’d talk about it calmly and rationally. I’d apologize for keeping secrets and he’d listen. Only, the words had dried up in my throat as soon as I’d walked through the door and seen how pleased Felix was to see me, like he’d been waiting all day to greet me.

Guilt had made me reluctant to say anything. He’d been too perceptive, though, him immediately picking up on something being wrong leaving me with no choice. And the words just hadn’t come out right. And yes, there was an element of me still needing to process the character assassination that Julian had done on Felix. I’d be lying if I said he hadn’t made me doubt myself. Everyone always told me what an excellent judge of character I was, but no one could get things right all the time. And what if this was the one time where I was blind to what was really going on? Because even I knew that having sex with someone didn’t equate to the clearest of thinking.

Now, though, as I toured my house and spotted all the parts of Felix he’d left behind, there was only one emotion that took center stage, and that was regret at my own stupidity. Because I knew I could have stopped him from leaving. All it would have taken was the right words, the words that didn’t leave him feeling like he was a burden with the whole world against him.

It must be crushing for the one person you thought was on your side to switch within the space of a heartbeat, and all because the man who’d already ruined your life managed to get one last jab in. And I’d let him do it. I’d been trying to trap Julian and instead he’d trapped me. He really was a clever son of a bitch .

“Fuck!” Cursing didn’t make me feel any better. What if it wasn’t too late, though? What if I could still salvage this? I had to at least try. I fumbled for my phone, my fingers not very cooperative in my haste. I almost dialled the wrong person before I finally managed to press the button for Felix’s number. If I were him, I wouldn’t pick up. I’d let it go to voicemail. The question was whether I could trust myself to leave a message without making things worse.

“I know I left some things behind. Other than the jeans, I mean. So if that’s why you’re calling, you can save your breath. I’ll pick them up at some point, or you can send them to me once there’s somewhere to send them. Most of it can be replaced anyway, so I don’t suppose it matters.”

“You answered!” There was no keeping the note of surprise out of my voice.

Felix barked out a humorless laugh. “No. It’s someone doing a really good impression of me.”

“I didn’t call about the things you left behind.”

“No? Why did you call then?”

“Where are you?”

“I only left fifteen minutes ago.”

We were both doing an excellent job of not answering the other’s questions. So of course I asked another one. “Did you jump in a cab?”

“I should have done.”

“What did you do instead?”

Another laugh. This one more natural, but brimming over with self-deprecation. “I made it as far as the café.”

“The one at the end of the road?” I was already grabbing my jacket from the back of the sofa and pulling it on. The café was only a five minute walk away. I could probably do it in four minutes if I walked fast .

“Yeah, that one. I was drinking tea and contemplating my next move.”

I finally managed to get my arms to go into the right holes in my jacket. “Stay there.”

“Why?”

“Just… stay. Please.”

A sigh. “I’m not exactly in a rush.”

I hung up, grabbed my keys and was out the door within seconds. I made it to the café in three and a half minutes, Felix’s familiar broad-shouldered figure easily recognizable at a table tucked away in the corner. I ordered tea at the counter, the smiley young woman who served me insisting on bringing it over, before taking the seat opposite Felix at the table.

Long seconds passed while we just stared at each other, Felix’s expression giving nothing away. Needing to do something with my hands, I reached for a sachet of sugar. “You were right. I let Julian get in my head. It was stupid of me. And it was stupid to go there in the first place.”

Felix sighed. “It kills me that you sat across from him today, that you talked to him, that you were civil to him.”

“I know. Sometimes people do the wrong thing for the right reasons.”

Felix arched an eyebrow. “People?”

My cheeks flooded with heat. “Me. I’m people. Not usually, but today I was.”

Felix shook his head. “I shouldn’t even be surprised at him getting in your head. It’s what he does. I should know that more than anyone. Look at all those times I left him, but went back because I believed all the false assurances he gave me.” He affected a tone, which having now met Julian I had to admit was spookily accurate. “I’ll get therapy. I promise I will. Maybe we can do couples therapy. I’ll tell them exactly how I treat you. I’ll be honest. Then we can make a proper go of it. There are things I can do to work on my temper.” The sugar packet ripped, my handling of it too rough and sugar crystals spilling out across the table top. “Of course, he never did any of it beyond making a show out of looking up therapists on the internet. But then it was like Goldilocks.”

“Goldilocks?”

“Too far. Too cheap. Too expensive. The therapist is too young. Too old. Too female. They don’t have the right credentials.” Felix laughed. “Their photo on the website makes them look suspicious, like they’re only in it for the money. That was the best one. He was really clutching at straws with that one. There was absolutely nothing wrong with him that I could see. He’d just run out of excuses.”

We paused for a moment as the same smiley woman brought my mug of tea over. I added milk and sugar and stirred it. “I’m sorry.”

Felix studied me for a moment. “For what?”

“For the whole thing. It was a stupid idea that could have gone badly wrong. Levi kept trying to tell me that, but I insisted on going ahead with it.”

“You really smuggled a recording device in?” When I nodded, Felix swore. “Jesus, Darien, you could have gotten into serious trouble.”

“Yeah, I know.” I let out a noisy breath. “Anyway… the whole thing was a bust. I didn’t get him to say anything incriminating.”

Felix propped his elbows on the table and leaned forward. “Meanwhile, you probably made his day. He not only got to outwit you in terms of you not getting what you came for, but he also got to sow seeds of doubt in your head.”

I lowered my gaze to the table, my cheeks burning. “I had a momentary lapse of judgement, that’s all.”

“Was it?”

I forced myself to lift my gaze back to Felix’s. Those sometimes stormy gray eyes were relatively peaceful. “Was it what?”

“Momentary?”

Something sizzled between us while I considered my answer. I didn’t want to lie or give false assurances. They weren’t fair to either of us. “Yes.”

It was Felix’s turn to look down. “So… you don’t think I had anything to do with it?”

I slid my hand across the table, close enough that the tips of my fingers nudged Felix’s elbow, that tiny point of contact immediately making me feel better. “No. You’re not capable.”

Felix’s shoulders relaxed. “Thank you. That means a lot.”

“So you’ll come back with me?” I waited for him to smile, for heat to flare in his eyes at the thought of the make up sex we’d have. Neither of those things happened. Instead I was treated to his brow furrowing. “What?”

“I’ve been thinking about things while I’ve been sitting here.”

“You were only here for twenty minutes.” My attempt at bringing a bit of levity to the situation fell flat.

Felix sat back in his chair and studied me, dread starting to pool in my stomach. What if I’d fucked things up so badly there was no going back? “I’ve put you in an impossible situation.”

It was only the start of his speech, but I wasn’t about to let him get any further. “ You haven’t put me anywhere.”

Felix’s smile was sardonic. “Right. Because I didn’t set out to seduce you.”

“Did you?”

His slight head tilt said “oh, come on!” without him needing to put it into words. “I wanted you from the moment I first saw you.” And I’d wanted him and he’d known it. “And I set out to get you. Sexually, anyway. I didn’t manipulate the whole staying with you thing. I want to make that clear.”

“It’s clear. What are you trying to say?”

To give him his due, Felix didn’t point out that I’d already know the answer to that question if I hadn’t interrupted him. “That it was selfish of me. That I didn’t think beyond the sex part of the equation. I never imagined a scenario where I would open up to you and it would become more.”

“But you did. And it did.” My words were quiet.

“Yeah.”

“And that’s good. It’s great.” There was a note of pleading in my voice. Because I knew this was a breakup. Had we ever been together? No, we had. We just hadn’t put a label on it. If we weren’t together, I would never have gone to bat for him against Hayden the way I had.

“You were already putting yourself on the line with letting me stay with you. That was bad enough. But then what you did today…”

I tilted my chin up, refusing to take this lying down. “It was my decision to make.”

“It was. That doesn’t mean it was the right one. You made a decision based on emotion rather than logic.”

“And that’s a crime?”

Felix smiled, but it was decidedly wan. “No, not a crime. Just ill-advised. I’m not worth that.”

A scrape of chair legs said that someone had occupied the next table. I didn’t look across, all my attention fixed on Felix. “You don’t get to make that decision, and you’re wrong.”

Felix gave a slow nod. “Maybe. But I get to decide how far it goes and when we should bring a stop to it. Before you lose your job. Before things get any more complicated. ”

My headshake was prolonged, like I thought that if I just kept going, Felix would have to see sense, eventually. “Don’t do this!”

“Don’t do what? Rescue you from yourself. I’m doing you a favor here, Darien. Without me messing up your life, you can be happy. I’m putting right the wrong I did. You can meet a nice woman and get married. Have some beautiful kids. Maybe one day you’ll be sat on a beach and you’ll tell her about the month you nearly fucked everything up, where lust got the better of you. And you’ll thank her for coming into your life when things could have been so different.”

“It’s not just lust and you know it.” I wasn’t even going to pay lip service to the rest of the stuff he’d said. That was all just too ridiculous for words. I’d used preferring women as a defense mechanism at the time, and now it was coming back to bite me.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it matters!” Remembering we were in public, I lowered my voice. “I made a mistake today. I admit that. I let concern for you… Maybe even belief that I could wave a magic wand and make everything okay get in the way of common sense.” I held my hands up. “I’m not perfect and I’ve never pretended to be.”

“You’re a good person. The best person.”

“But you don’t want to be with me?”

“Darien.” There was a world of pleading in the way Felix said my name. “Don’t make this any more difficult than it already is.”

I snorted. “Oh, excuse me for not just saying okay when I’m being dumped. It’s incredibly inconsiderate of me.”

Felix’s face twisted. “I—”

“I thought it was you.”

Both of us turned to stare at the dark-haired woman in her fifties at the next table who’d made the statement. It was her I’d heard taking a seat. She held a phone in her right hand, her gaze flicking between it and Felix, presumably having pulled up a picture. My heart did a painful little thud in my chest. In Felix’s rush to leave, he’d foregone his usual disguise of a baseball cap and sunglasses. And neither of us had exactly been keeping a low profile by letting our drama play out in the middle of the café. It seemed our poor choices had consequences.

“That poor girl. She didn’t deserve what happened to her.”

“He’s not who you think he is,” I said, the lie coming relatively easily to my lips.

Felix shot me a warning look. “Don’t. It’s not worth it.” He turned his attention to the woman. “I didn’t kill her.”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “Maybe not. But you helped the scum that did cover it up, and in my eyes that makes you just as guilty as him.”

A hush had fallen across the café, heads turning our way to find out what was going on.

“I didn’t help him cover it up,” Felix said, his voice surprisingly level considering the subject matter.

“That’s not what the courts said.”

“The courts,” Felix began, “are—”

I jerked to my feet, the loud scrape of my chair across the floor drowning out the rest of whatever Felix had intended to say. I could see the way this would go, and there was no satisfactory resolution to it, no matter which way you looked at it. There was only the woman continuing to badger Felix, and Felix eventually losing his temper. And no doubt some of the interested onlookers would get involved, because who didn’t have an opinion about murder?

“Let’s go!” I said.

“Yes, run away,” the woman said, clearly warming to her moral crusade. “Shame that poor girl didn’t get the option to do that. People like you shouldn’t get released from prison. Ever. In fact, they should bring back the death penalty.”

I held my hand out, my expression begging Felix to focus on me and not her. “Let’s go home , Felix.” I hope he got my emphasis on the word home, and what I was trying to say with it. It was a public declaration of our relationship. Of us .

He stared at my hand. The woman was still ranting, something about bringing back nooses in town squares. She’d become nothing but background noise while I held my breath and waited to see what Felix would do. If he didn’t take my hand, it would be symbolic of something much bigger. The final nail in the coffin of our relationship.

The seconds stretched. When warm fingers finally closed around mine, it was all I could do not to grin like an idiot. I tugged him to his feet and away from the table, Felix remembering at the last second to grab his backpack. The woman shouted something after us as we reached the door, probably good riddance, but I paid her no mind. And then we were out on the street and away from the harsh judgment of the general public who could all go to hell as far as I was concerned.

If I’d thought the battle was won, I was wrong. Felix might have taken my hand and accompanied me back to the house without protest, but he’d immediately started pacing as soon as he’d dropped his bag on the floor, his body language broadcasting his agitation. “You have to see that what I’m saying makes sense.”

I made myself comfy on the arm of the sofa. The same one he’d sat on earlier. “No, I don’t.”

“Darien, be reasonable. ”

“I am. It’s you that’s not being reasonable.”

Felix let out a frustrated sigh. “What happened back there only demonstrates why you’re better off without me.”

A strange calmness had taken over my body. Because if Felix really didn’t want to be here, he wouldn’t have taken my hand, and he wouldn’t have returned with me less than an hour after walking out. “Does it? Thank you for telling me what conclusions I’m supposed to reach. Maybe you could come to work with me next week and make all my decisions for me.”

Felix whirled around to glare at me. “You’re infuriating.”

“Thank you.”

He shook his head. “Seriously… I’m trying to give you an out here. I’m trying to—”

“I love you.” I hadn’t planned for the words to come out of my mouth the way they had, but there was no denying the satisfaction they gave me, and I had zero inclination to take them back. “So… it’s a little too late for you to walk away for my benefit. Unless you’re okay with breaking my heart.”

Felix had frozen to the spot, his mouth hanging slightly open. “Don’t say that.”

“I love you, Felix Church, warts and all.”

He swallowed. “Since when?”

“Since…” I took a moment to think about it. “A while, I think. That’s why I was prepared to do anything to help you. But I only realized it properly in the café when you were trying to end things and I thought about how much that would hurt, and how long it would take to get over it. A very long time was the conclusion I came to, just in case you’re interested.”

Felix sank onto the opposite sofa arm. “Fuck!”

“I knew you’d be happy. ”

He laughed, but it was decidedly strained. “I wanted you to have better.”

“Tough! You’re it, I’m afraid. You can go ahead and dump me if you want, but I feel it’s only right to warn you that I won’t take it lying down. I will do everything in my power to change your mind and get you back. I’ll even get romantic if that’s what it takes. What’s your favorite flower?”

Felix blinked. “I don’t think I have one.”

I held up an imaginary notepad and used an imaginary pen to make a note. “Not fussy about flowers. Got it. Dark or milk chocolate?”

“Milk chocolate.”

“Good choice.” I was smiling now. “You should have thought about the possibility of this happening when you set out to seduce me.”

“I should have done.” All the fight had gone out of Felix, his stare that of a man who knew when he was beaten, and all it had taken were three simple words. I could have saved myself an awful lot of trouble if I’d said it back at the café. Preferably before we met the woman who wanted to lynch Felix.

“Now what?” he finally asked.

“Now…” I jerked my head toward his bag. “You unpack and we order a takeaway. I don’t know about you, but I’m starving. It’s been one hell of a day.”

“I made a pie. It’s steak.”

“I saw. It’ll keep till tomorrow.”

When Felix grabbed his bag and went obediently up the stairs, it was all I could do not to punch the air. He hadn’t said it back, but that was okay. I hadn’t expected him to. His attempt at noble self-sacrifice, no matter how misplaced it had been, was evidence enough that he felt the same. You didn’t do that unless you loved someone.