Five

FIVE

Mia

All the plans I'd had for the holiday break week flew out the window the day I told Todd about the pregnancy. As grateful as I had been to have the time off from work, I also despised it.

One the one hand, I had been able to catch up on the much-needed sleep my body was craving. Even the devastation I felt over Todd's reaction couldn't stop me from sleeping. My body took over and forced me to rest. It was probably a good thing, too, because that seemed to be the only time my mind wasn't plagued by horrible thoughts about how I'd been so wrong about him.

And that's where the other side of this was for me. Because while the sleep was good, the rest of it wasn't. Not being at work meant that I had plenty of time, far too much, to get lost in my thoughts about Todd, the baby, and the state of my relationship.

My parents, Rick and Mary, came down along with Albert to spend Christmas Day with me as we'd all originally planned. It wasn't until they arrived and saw me that they knew something was wrong.

I didn't tell them about the baby yet. I couldn't. Not only had I not had it confirmed by a doctor—though I was certain the tests I'd taken were accurate—I simply didn't want to burden them with the news until I knew where Todd and I were going to wind up. I still hadn't had the opportunity to wrap my head around the whole situation, and if I shared it with them before I had it all figured out, it would have ruined their holiday worse than the news that I had managed to share with them had.

Although I'd wanted to keep it all to myself, I was close with my family. The questions started almost as soon as they walked through my front door on Christmas morning.

"Oh, we've missed you so much," my mom said after she, my dad, and my brother had all come inside and exchanged Christmas morning greetings with me.

I offered a small smile in return. "It's been the same for me with all of you."

My mom tipped her head to the side and eyed me curiously as my dad came right out with his concerns. "Something's wrong. Is there a problem with the house?"

Shaking my head, I insisted, "No. No, it's nothing like that."

"So, there is something wrong," my mom stated.

I snapped my lips together, hating that I was going to have to do this today. "Let's not worry about it now. It's Christmas. We should enjoy the day together."

I'd barely gotten the words out when I felt my brother's comforting presence move in close. "It's Todd, isn't it?" he asked gently.

"It can't be," my mom interjected. "I spoke to you yesterday afternoon to confirm our arrival today, and you were as happy as ever. You were getting ready for dinner with Todd and his family."

Tears filled my eyes. Albert wrapped his arm around my back, his hand landing on my opposite shoulder. "Did something happen with his family at dinner yesterday?"

Willing myself not to cry but failing miserably, a tear escaped and rolled down my cheek. "I… No. Nothing happened at dinner yesterday, because I didn't go."

"What?"

My eyes moved through them, seeing nothing but worry and concern written all over their faces. Nothing was going like I had planned.

"Todd decided he wanted us to take some time apart," I confessed.

My mom gasped. "Did you know this when I talked to you yesterday?"

I shook my head. "No."

"Did he come here and tell you?"

I nodded. "Yes."

"What happened, Mia?" Albert asked. "Did he say why?"

I couldn't tell them.

God, I couldn't tell them.

I wanted to believe I knew how my family would react if I told them I was pregnant, but I'd thought the same thing about Todd. That hadn't gone anything like I'd expected, so I was struggling to trust my instincts.

"He's not sure if he wants this any longer," I answered, my voice just a touch over a whisper.

"He's a fool." That came from my dad. It was clear he was angry with Todd for breaking my heart, and he wasn't going to hold himself back from saying exactly what he thought. "I'm sorry he hurt you, Mia. You deserve better than he gave you. But you know what? It's better off this way. At least you know now before you get even more involved and attached to him."

My mom and my brother nodded their agreement with my dad, but I wondered if he'd be saying the same thing and they'd be agreeing with him if they all knew I was carrying that fool's baby.

Hoping I'd be able to find some semblance of a normal day with my family, I begged, "Can we please just forget about him for now? I've really missed you, and I just want to enjoy my first Christmas in my new house."

Fortunately, my family adored me as much as I did them, so they didn't hesitate to honor my request. And for the most part, we had a really nice day together. Though there was a cloud hanging over me, my family did their best to distract me with conversation and stories. And in the end, I was grateful for the distraction they'd provided.

They all spent the night as we'd originally planned. For weeks, we'd discussed them returning home the next day, but they were all hesitant to do so. I insisted they not change their plans, somehow convincing them that I needed some time alone to deal with all that I was feeling. In the end, after some push back, they finally agreed to give me what I wanted, only after I promised to call them if I needed them or wanted to talk to someone.

For days afterward, I cried.

I slept, I ate, and I cried.

Todd never called. He never reached out. He didn't tell me he missed me. He didn't ask how I was doing. He certainly didn't tell me he loved me. He never indicated things would be okay. He didn't even wish me a Merry Christmas or a Happy New Year. It was as though I hadn't ever meant anything to him.

The one person who had reached out to me was Susie. She was Todd's sister, and I'd gotten along well with her. In fact, we'd gotten together on several occasions throughout the time that Todd and I had been together.

Unfortunately, I'd been far too upset in the days that followed the events of Christmas Eve that I couldn't bring myself to take her calls. I had responded to one of her texts and told her that I appreciated her reaching out but that I needed some time alone to deal with things. Susie respected my wishes and promised that regardless of what happened between Todd and me, nothing would change our friendship.

I hoped she was serious, because if Todd wasn't going to want anything to do with this baby, at least my child would get to know his or her father's family. I had been trying to hold out hope that it wouldn't come to that, though.

To a degree, I could understand Todd's initial shock. If he had taken a day or two to come to grips with the news and eventually reached out to check in with me, I would have had some grace for him. I could have accepted that he'd just needed time to adjust to the news and cope with what was going to be our new reality. And I certainly wouldn't have felt this miserable about it all.

But I was absolutely devastated that I'd seemingly meant so little to him that he hadn't even taken the time to make any contact with me for more than a week. Even if he didn't want to continue the relationship, was I to assume all that we'd had meant nothing to him? How had he been able to write me off so easily?

I wasn't sure I was ever going to get the answers I was seeking, but I'd decided to be the bigger person. One of the productive things I'd done since my world came crumbling down was reach out to my doctor. I'd schedule my first appointment for the pregnancy, and I used that as my opportunity to reach out to Todd. I told him the date, time, and location of the appointment and expressed he was more than welcome to attend. I was hoping he'd come, hoping he'd show a sliver of interest and a change of heart.

He never answered my call, which meant I had no choice but to leave that information on the voicemail. I also followed up with a text, offering the same details, just in case he never listened to the voicemail.

For some foolish reason, I held on to a smidgen of hope that he'd surprise me and show up at the doctor's office.

He didn't.

More than it hurt me, it saddened me. Because it had been the most beautiful experience of my life. For as long as I lived, I'd never forget the sound of my baby's heartbeat.

Now, I was sitting in my car tightly clutching the most beautiful pictures in my hand that I'd ever seen—the ultrasound photos.

I glanced at the clock on my dash, noted the time, and realized this was it. I was going to make one last-ditch effort with Todd. How he reacted would determine what I would do from this point forward. Somewhere, deep down, I was hoping that seeing these photos would spark something inside him. Maybe it was what he needed to feel some kind of connection to this pregnancy, to this baby. To me.

So, I set the pictures aside, took a deep breath, and pulled out of the parking lot to head to Todd's place. I'd schedule this appointment for later in the day, so I wouldn't have to leave work early. And unless he'd changed something drastically in his schedule over the last week and a half that we hadn't spoken to one another, it was likely Todd was home from work by now, too.

As I made the drive to his place, I tried to come up with the perfect thing to say. I practiced my speech the entire way there.

But the minute I pulled up, knocked on his door, and stood face-to-face with him, all the planning I'd done had gone out the window.

"Mia? What are you doing here?"

What was I doing here?

How could that have been a serious question? Granted, he hadn't invited me over for a visit, but did he honestly believe that the way he'd left things was how this was supposed to end? Was I supposed to just go on with life without seeking any sort of resolution or an official end to this?

He'd left it all up in the air, and whether he liked me being here or not, that was unfair. I deserved to know where he stood.

I swallowed hard, feeling uneasy. Then I held my hand with the extra photos out to him and said, "I thought you might want to see these."

His eyes dropped to the pictures as he took them from me. It took him a moment to understand what he was looking at. Then he returned his attention to me and gave the photos back. "I know what you're trying to do here, Mia, but it's not going to work. I haven't changed my mind."

I took the pictures from him. "So, that's it? Were you ever planning to call me and tell me you made an official decision?"

"I was getting around to it," he mumbled.

It was clear where he stood, but I was going to make him say it. "Well, I'm here now, so I've made it easy for you. You won't need to be inconvenienced by needing to try to find some other time to do it, and you can tell me whatever you want to tell me without needing to leave your home. We can get this over with now."

How I was holding it together, I didn't know. Maybe I already knew this was where things were headed, so there wasn't so much of a shock with it. Or perhaps I realized this was no longer about me. My priority had shifted to this baby, something that was solidified right about the time I heard that heartbeat not quite an hour ago.

I could have sworn I saw him hesitate. Like he wasn't quite sure he wanted to say whatever he was thinking. Whether that was because he was unsure or simply had hoped to string me along, I didn't know. But the next thing I knew, he finally spoke.

"I've taken some time to think about all of this since you told me about the pregnancy," he started. "And no matter what I feel for you, I can't do this. I'm not prepared for a baby. I don't want a baby."

I nodded my understanding, feeling my throat grow tight. For whatever reason, he seemed to be trying to ease the blow by mentioning that he felt something for me. I thought it was a bunch of crap. If he cared at all, he wouldn't have allowed all this time to pass without saying anything. He wouldn't have handed these precious pictures back to me like they didn't matter, like they were nothing.

Regardless, I wasn't going to allow that to cloud my judgment.

"So, we're done?"

He offered a slight nod, filled with uncertainty. "Yes, Mia. I'm sorry, but we're done."

I knew it was coming. I knew he was going to say it. And yet, my stomach sank when he confirmed it.

There was nothing left for me to do. It was what it was. I couldn't spend my time, effort, or energy on someone who wasn't interested in doing everything it took to make it work. I had something more important to worry about, someone more important.

I was scared, terrified, but I had no choice. I was going to be a single mom, and my baby deserved to have the best of me. So, even though it killed me to even think the words I was about to say, I knew I had to say them.

"Okay, Todd. Then I guess we're over. I'm not going to stand here, screaming and yelling, and try to get you to see that you're making the biggest mistake of your life. You have no idea what you're going to lose out on, what you're going to miss. Maybe you prefer that. Either way, you and I made this baby together. If you don't want any part of his or her life, that's your choice. But this baby is your responsibility, so you will contribute financially. I'll take you to court if I have to. And the final courtesy I'm going to give you now is this. Should you wake up and realize the foolish decision you've made to turn your back on your child, he or she is due on August 28 th . I won't be reaching out to you again, so it'll be up to you to prove whether you've got any interest in getting to know your child."

When I finished speaking, I took one last long look at Todd. There was nothing there. Not a hint of self-doubt, nor a shred of pride. He was just… indifferent. Like it didn't matter. Like I hadn't just shared some life-altering information with him.

And that's when I knew there was no reason to have any hope for the future.

So, with my baby's pictures in my hand, I turned and walked away.

And though each step I took broke my heart just a little more, I knew I needed to only take the drive home to mourn the loss of Todd in my life. Because once I got there, I needed to focus on what life was going to be like to be a single mom. With or without this baby's father, I was going to find a way to give my child the world.