Four

FOUR

Mia

"Enjoy the break, Mia!"

"You, too. See you all next year."

I stepped through the front doors of Backyard Treehouse and made a beeline across the parking lot toward my car. I felt completely focused and zoned out at the same time, like I knew exactly where I was going and what I needed to do, but that I was doing it while in a fog.

It was all the result of what happened not more than twenty minutes ago while at work. Since today was our last day open for the year, because Christmas was in three days and Backyard Treehouse was closed during the week between the Christmas and New Year holidays, it was a slower day. All the members of the staff had decided to have a celebration of sorts just before the start of our break. We all brought in some delicious treats, did a gift exchange, and just enjoyed being at the end of another year of hard work.

Everything had been wonderful until one of my coworkers, Paisley, walked into the room where we were all congregating with a look of utter devastation on her face.

Wanting to be sure nothing was seriously wrong, even if I suspected the worst, I asked, "Is everything okay, Paisley?"

Silence fell over the room, and everyone turned their attention to her. She flopped down onto a chair and revealed, "I just got my period. Three days before Christmas. This is going to be the worst holiday."

For Paisley, I understood why this felt like such a big deal. She had plans to hop from one house to another over the next few days visiting with family and celebrating, and this was just going to put a damper on all of that for her.

I, along with everyone else in the room, could sympathize with Paisley. It should have ended there, but it didn't. I'd been outwardly sympathetic toward Paisley, because I understood what she was feeling, but inside, I was freaking out.

The conversation had set off all sorts of alarm bells in my head, and it wasn't long before I felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Over the last couple of weeks, I'd been doing my best to settle into my new home, trying to find a routine that worked for me, and adjusting to the changes in my life all while leaning into my desire to celebrate the holiday season with those who mattered to me. I'd even continued to meet new neighbors while having the occasional conversation with those I'd already met. Things had also improved with Brock ever since I'd gone over to clear the air with him, and Todd seemed to be in a better mood lately as well.

Despite everything, it had all been such a massive change, and though I knew it was coming when I decided to make the move, it was much more difficult to adjust to than I had anticipated it would be.

That didn't mean I was upset about it.

I loved it.

I loved being where I was now.

I just didn't feel fully settled yet, even though I'd successfully unpacked the remaining boxes at my house.

Part of that unsettled feeling might have had something to do with the fact that I still felt completely exhausted, more than I ever had in my whole life. I had assumed it was all the result of the numerous changes and excitement happening over the last few weeks.

Never, not once, had I considered there could be another reason for the fatigue I'd been feeling.

Now, I realized precisely what I'd overlooked, and it was safe to say I was panicking.

I hadn't gotten my period in… weeks? More weeks than it should have been. Off the top of my head, I knew the last time I'd had it was some time before Thanksgiving, maybe a week or two prior. My mind was spinning with so many thoughts, it seemed I couldn't quite remember anything important right now.

I made it to my car and didn't hesitate to zip out of the lot as quickly as I could. I drove straight to the pharmacy, grabbed two different pregnancy tests, and was out the door in a flash.

Speeding wasn't typically something I did, but in this case, all I wanted was to get home as fast as I could to confirm my suspicions.

When I pulled into my driveway, I didn't even stop to grab the mail. On the bright side, Brock wasn't outside grabbing his mail like usual, since I was getting home later than I normally would have.

I raced inside, climbed the stairs, and ripped open the first test as fast as I could. The next thing I knew, I was pacing back and forth while I waited for the results, and there wasn't any emotion I didn't feel move through me. I was nervous, excited, scared, and everything in between.

It couldn't have been much longer than a minute when I stopped pacing and leaned over to look at the test.

Pregnant.

It hadn't even taken the full three minutes to give me the result.

Oh, God.

Oh, man.

I was pregnant. I was going to have a baby.

I didn't know what to feel or how to think.

I picked up the test and inspected it once more, wondering if perhaps the result was going to change. Could it? Would it?

Shaking my head, I muttered to myself, "You're pregnant, Mia. You know it's not going to change."

Several moments passed, and all I could seem to do was stare at my reflection in the bathroom mirror.

I was going to be a mom. Todd was going to be a dad. This was crazy.

But it was beautiful. We'd created a life, and maybe the timing wasn't exactly the best, but we could do it. We could make it work.

This was a gift. A real gift.

It was on that thought, I knew exactly what I was going to do.

Todd and I were going to be having Christmas Eve dinner with his family on Sunday, since they lived just thirty minutes away in the next town, and my family was going to be coming to spend Christmas Day with us.

I'd give Todd an early Christmas present on Sunday before we went to dinner, and we could truly celebrate the season. It was going to be magical.

Despite the overwhelming confidence I had about how wonderful this was going to be, I was undeniably nervous.

I thought that was fair, though. Reasonable.

I'd never done this before, so it was only natural to wonder—and worry a bit—just how it would go.

Todd had just pulled up outside to pick me up and take me to dinner at his family's house, and I was eagerly waiting inside the front door.

He got out of the car, walked up to the door, and smiled as he stepped inside. "Hey, babe." I got a quick kiss before he asked, "Are you ready to go?"

Nodding, I answered, "Yes, but I have a surprise. Can I give you one of your gifts now, before we leave?"

"I thought we were going to do them together later tonight," he returned.

"We are. That's the plan. I just have this one that I don't want to wait to give you," I explained.

He shrugged, laughed, and said, "Okay. Should I pick out one of yours from the car now, so you can open one as well, or do you want to wait?"

I shook my head and took him by the hand to lead him into the living room, where the tree we'd decorated together was standing with presents for him and my family piled beneath it. "I'll wait until later. This one is a bit special."

"I'm a little nervous."

"Don't be. It's good. Grab a seat, and I'll get the gift."

Todd didn't waste any time. He sat on the couch, and I moved to the tree to grab the present. I carried the box over and held it out to him. Once he took it from me, I shifted back and forth nervously on my feet. Todd had started to tear the wrapping paper off, but he quickly noticed how I was reacting. "Are you sure I shouldn't be nervous? You seem to be on edge."

I swallowed hard, shaking my head once more, and sat down beside him. "I'm fine. Just open it."

Carefully, cautiously, Todd tore the paper off the gift and revealed the white square box beneath it. He gave me one last look before he pulled off the lid. And a moment later, he pushed back the tissue paper to reveal the surprise.

For several long moments, Todd merely stared at what was inside the box. He didn't react; he didn't speak. He simply kept his eyes focused on what was there, never moving a muscle. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought he'd stopped breathing.

Shock.

He was certainly feeling shocked.

I had been the same initially, so I gave him some time to take it in.

Eventually, finally, he lifted his gaze to mine and asked, "What is this?"

"Do you know what it is?" I countered, my belly trembling.

"This looks like an outfit for a baby," he noted. "And that's definitely a positive pregnancy test."

I nodded, tears filling my eyes, and smiled at him.

"Are you pregnant?"

"Yes," I whispered.

He lowered his hand holding the lid of the box and jerked his head back slightly as he now took to staring at me. Once again, he gave no indication as to what was going through his mind. I had no idea what he was thinking.

Maybe he needed to hear what I was thinking to feel some reassurance. I'd had some time to come to terms with it. I'd had a few days to allow the news to digest. I could ease whatever concerns he had.

"I thought I was feeling so tired from the move," I started. "Jamie was telling me at work about how her cousin was exhausted for two months after she and her husband moved into their new home not quite a year ago. I assumed I was going through the same thing. But when I was at work on Friday, one of the other girls got her period, and that's when it hit me. I realized it had been more weeks than it should have been since I got my last period, and everything started to fall into place. I don't quite know how it happened, because we've been using protection, but something went wrong somewhere with that."

Todd continued to stare at me, his expression unreadable.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

He shook his head. "I don't think so."

My shoulders fell. "I know we weren't planning this, Todd. I realize it's unexpected. But I think we're going to be okay. We can do this."

"No, Mia. No, we can't."

I jerked back. "Why would you say that?"

"Because it's the truth. I don't want a baby. I'm not ready for a baby. You've got to… you've got to take care of this," he ordered.

"Take care of this? What exactly do you mean by that?" I questioned him, feeling worse and worse with each second that passed.

"Take care of it," he repeated. "You need to get rid of it."

"It? You mean, our baby? "

This wasn't going anything like I had expected. Sure, I realized Todd might have experienced a bit of shock over the news, but I never thought he'd react like this. I wholeheartedly believed he would have at least given me a hug and insisted we'd make it through okay.

"No, Mia. I don't want a baby. If you…" He trailed off, and I grew impatient.

"What, Todd? If I what?"

He looked down at the gift I'd gotten, the gift I ran out immediately on Friday after taking the test to purchase, and a look of disgust washed over him. Todd set the box aside, placing it on the cushion beside him. "I can't do this."

Though I already felt horrible about where this was going, it didn't stop me from pushing it further. "Do what exactly?"

Todd brought his eyes to mine, took a deep breath, and deadpanned, "I think we need to separate right now."

My stomach sank. "I tell you I'm pregnant, and your response is to separate?"

He jerked his chin down to acknowledge I hadn't gotten it wrong. Then he stood and confirmed, "Yes. Let's take some time apart."

"Until when?" I questioned him. "It's Christmas Eve tonight. Are you saying you want to separate now? Tonight? You don't want to spend the holiday together?"

Todd took two steps back before he began pacing around the room. He'd said so much that felt akin to having him sink a blade into my heart. But as I watched him pacing the room, I thought he was starting to rethink it. Or, maybe I didn't necessarily believe that was what was happening so much as I hoped that's what he was doing.

Believing that the man I loved, the man I created a baby with, could have this kind of response to this news was soul crushing.

Was I being unreasonable to want him to have a different reaction? Was it wrong to have hoped he would have wrapped his arms around me and been excited about this news?

I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to feel. All I knew was that my heart was breaking with every second that passed.

"Todd, please," I begged.

I didn't know what I was begging for. I wanted something, anything , other than what I was getting now.

He stopped pacing, focused his attention on me, and said, "I'm sorry, Mia. I can't. I don't want this. I need… I need time."

Nodding slowly, my heart breaking, I asked, "Do you think you'll have a change of heart with some time? Maybe you just need to let it sink in. I know we can do this. I know we'll be okay."

He shook his head. "I can't see that happening. I know it's what you want, and I'm sure you think it can be that way. But right now, I'm not there. And I don't want to give you false hope. I don't think I'm ever going to get there."

My body was shaking as the tears rolled down my cheeks. "I can't believe what you're saying," I whispered. "Just like that, you can shut it off? I thought you loved me."

Todd ignored my question and didn't deny my accusation. He merely replied, "I don't want a baby, Mia. Not with you, not with anyone."

I could barely swallow past the lump that had formed in my throat, the aching pain unbearable.

There was nothing left for me to say. There was nothing I could do.

Todd had made up his mind.

"I have to go," he said.

I remained silent.

"I'm going to go now," he told me as though he believed I hadn't heard him the first time.

I pressed my lips together, willing myself not to lose it completely, but I was barely hanging on.

"Say something," he demanded.

"Get out," I ordered. "If you want to go, get out. Leave."

"You don't need to be like that. I don't know what you expected from me."

Far too much, apparently. "You need to go."

Todd held my gaze for two or three beats. Then he turned and walked away, heading to the front door.

I didn't watch him go.

I didn't follow him, either.

My eyes remained rooted to the blank space where he had been standing before. And only after I heard him close the door did I give myself permission to crumble to the floor and burst into a fit of tears.

I had envisioned this all going so much differently.

How stupid could I have been?