53. Chapter Fifty-Two

Chapter Fifty-Two

Unlike the last time I lost my cool, I decide not to act rashly this time. I lock myself in the cabin with a note on the doors reminding me not to leave. To think about what I'm doing before I do it. A few times I ignored the notes, got the door open, and stepped out. But I never made it off the porch. I always went back in.

Justin made it clear how he felt. He wants nothing to do with me.

But I still have to kill my father.

Even if Justin doesn't want me, I don't want him dead.

Because I still have so many things I could do to change his mind.

But am I going to kill my father only because I love Justin and want him as mine, or because I'm trying to save his life? Is there a difference there? Does it matter?

I'm confusing myself. I've been thinking about this so much that I can't differentiate my thoughts. They're all bleeding together. Nothing is clear.

Everything in me says killing my father is the right thing to do. Not only for Justin's well-being, but for mine too. I'll finally be free. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do, what he's made me—to some extent. But I'll finally be free to do what I want without his bullshit hanging over my head. No more Sevastian, kill the head of this family. Sevastian, kill the head of that family. Sevastian, I have another deal I need you to finalize for me.

Fuck that. Fuck all of that. I'm over it. So over it. I don't want this life anymore. I don't want to be his little bitch.

Will Justin be mad though?

He's mad I killed his brother. Understandable.

He didn't seem to care that I killed anyone else. He even asked me to kill someone for him.

I don't think it's the killing part he has a problem with, and also, he seemed madder about the lying than the actual murdering of his brother.

I groan, resting my head back against the couch. This shouldn't be so difficult to figure out!

Okay, let's try again…

A child should have loyalty to their parents, so will Justin think I'm disloyal if I kill him? Untrustworthy? He already thinks that since I lied to him. I really fucking regret that. I know I shouldn't have done it when I did, but I panicked. But I know it's wrong now, and before he even found out I'd vowed to never do it again. So killing my dad won't be a problem with Justin as long as I'm honest about it?

Should I keep making decisions in my life based on Justin? How can I not? I'm going to give him space, but if he thinks I'm leaving him alone he's the crazy one. I can't just let him go. I'll give him time, but he's not getting much. I weaseled my way into his life before, I'll do it again. And again, and again, and again. Until the day I'm six feet in the ground. And after that, I'll haunt his ass. My ghost self will get boners watching him live his life and be pissed that I can't jerk off.

Wait—can ghosts jerk off? I shiver at the thought of a ghost jerking off around me. Not cool.

After a week's deliberation, I think I have my final answer. I stand in front of my door, rereading the note I left myself.

Think of Justin. Don't do anything stupid. Even if you think you aren't doing something stupid, turn around and think about it again.

And again.

WWJD?

And no, that isn't What Would Jesus Do? It's What would Justin Do?

I made a mistake in lying to Justin. I should have known he was clear-headed enough to accept what was going on and help me figure it out. Either that would have stopped me from killing Jackson, or it would have made him understand why I had to do it. Either way, I should have been honest from the beginning.

I think Justin would side with me in killing my father. He wouldn't want someone controlling his life in an unhealthy way. Sure, I kind of control his life but I only want what's best for him. Good food. Lots of sleep. My cock. I'm not forcing him to do my bidding.

My father is an asshole who only cares about power. The only person in the world who could get away with killing him is me. So, I have to do it.

I nod my head at the sign on the door, grab my keys from the bowl beside it, and step outside into the sunshine.

Looks like I'm going back to Russia.