Chapter 23 - Rodion

I’m used to being in control of everything—so the fact that I can’t force my wife to tell me what is making her so upset is driving me crazy.

I’m not even able to focus on work properly because she’s all I can think about. What if she’s bored with me? What if she had sex with me a few times and now she’s over it? What if it wasn’t good for her or she isn’t interested in me anymore?

I’m going crazy.

If she is over me and wants to get away from this marriage—or even if she will stay married to me but wants nothing to do with me—how am I supposed to deal with that?

I’m completely obsessed with her. And I’ve accepted that it will never change. She is my entire world and no matter what I do, I will never be able to get over her.

“Sir, you haven’t replied to my email yet—“ my assistant says, standing at the door of my office.

“For fuck’s sake, Benni. I told you I would get to it,” I snarl angrily.

Guilt plows into me as he scuttles away.

Benni is good at his job. He’s efficient, he gets things done and he’s reliable. I shouldn’t treat him like that.

Fuck.

I shouldn’t be here. Not if I can’t control my own emotions.

I stand up, pushing away from my desk and gathering my things.

It’s not even lunchtime, but I have to leave.

I walk straight over to Benni’s desk.

“Look, man, I’m sorry. I’ve got a lot going on. I read the email. You can go ahead with that. You’ve done a good job on the report.”

He smiles tightly. “Great. Thanks.” He says, his shoulders dropping a bit as though tension has shifted out of them.

“Sorry—I didn’t mean to be an asshole.”

“Seriously, it’s honestly no problem.” Benni nods but still looks nervous.

I sigh and walk away.

My face must look like thunder because that’s how I feel inside.

I head down to my car, wondering how to deal with this situation. Wondering for the hundredth time.

Usually, I can just demand things. I can push and get what I want. Anya is different. I have no idea how to deal with her.

The more I push, the more she pulls away. If I’m nice—she pulls away—if I give her space—she pulls away. All she’s been doing lately is pulling away from me and I’m starting to get really desperate.

I have arranged for the chef to come in this evening because I want to create a romantic dinner at home for her. She’s been spending her free time in the library, so if she’s there again this afternoon, it will give me plenty of time to set up the dining room without her knowing about it.

She’s always there—I sigh.

I miss her so fucking much it’s making me stressed. I never knew a woman would ever have this effect on me. Even when I first saw Anya—from that first moment—the instant obsession I had with her—I never knew it was capable of becoming this intense. This deep.

I need to know what the fuck is going on with her before I explode.

I was right. She’s in the library. She was tucked away in a book and fell asleep on the armchair. Quietly, I close the door so that any noises from downstairs don’t disturb her.

I can have the dining room set up in an hour and the chef kindly did most of the preparation before he arrived, so he also only needs an hour.

If everything goes according to plan, she won’t wake up before then.

I hurry to create a special atmosphere. Stringing fairy lights across the doorway and lighting candles all around the room. There are over fifty candles burning by the time I’m done.

There is a giant bouquet of white Raisas in the center of the table and I smile looking at my own work because it reminds me of our wedding day. It wasn’t the perfect day because Anya wasn’t the most willing of brides—but it was the start of something perfect.

Well—I don’t know anymore.

She might be over it and me and be wanting to throw it all away.

My stomach knots.

The chef calls my name, distracting me from a moment of panic.

“We are ready to set the table, sir.”

“Perfectly timed. You can go ahead and put the food out. I’ll go and fetch my wife.”

I run up the stairs, taking them two at a time. Nervous excitement rushes through me. I push the library door open and Anya stirs awake.

“Oh, my word. It’s dark already,” she says in horror, sitting up too quickly.

I chuckle. “It’s ok. I closed the door and made sure it was quiet so that you could rest while I set up a surprise for you downstairs.”

“Oh,” she says tightly.

I hold out my hand and she takes it, but she’s stiff and formal.

I pull her against me, hugging her, but the tension doesn’t leave her body.

Sighing in frustration, I bite back my words of anger. I don’t want to explode at her. Even though I am definitely close to doing that.

“Come on, princess,” I say calmly, taking her hand and leading her downstairs into the dining room.

The main lights are off and the entire room is glittering with candlelight. I let her walk in ahead of me so that she gets the full impact of the experience I’ve created.

I hear her gasp softly.

She pauses in the doorway.

“You did this—you did this all for me?” she hesitates.

“Of course I did, princess. I would do anything for you,” I say quietly behind her, reaching out and wrapping my hand around her waist, I nuzzle my face against her neck and kiss her.

She sighs, as though she’s agitated and shifts her body slightly away from mine. I feel the sharp sting of rejection eating away at me.

I can pretend all I want. I can keep doing these things and trying to convince her to love me—but if she is over me, she needs to stop being so cruel and just tell me the truth.

She walks into the dining room and sits down.

I follow her, pushing her chair in behind her.

The dinner is incredible. And what should be a really beautiful and romantic night is rather heavy with silence and awkward tension.

My anxiety is growing thicker by the second. Every time I try and start a conversation or ask her a question, her answers are short and cold.

I can’t take this.

It can’t go on like this.

Dinner isn’t over, but I can’t be here for another second. My heart is shattering at the thought of our marriage ending before it had a chance to begin. I have never felt this kind of pain before and I have no idea how to handle it. I want to lash out at everything. I can feel my anger building and becoming dangerous. I am bound to end up saying or doing something I will regret.

I stand up abruptly, knocking my chair over.

“I’m done,” I snap, no longer able to hold my emotions inside me.

She jumps in fright, her hand reaching up to cover her mouth for a second. Her eyes are wide and shining brightly.

“Rodion?” she hesitates, saying my name as though she was asking me a question.

“What, Anya? What do you want from me? I’m trying so hard to make you happy and all you’ve done is push me away. You aren’t happy. Anyone can see it a mile away—so why don’t you just say it? You want out. You’re done. You’re not interested. Stop dragging it out like this. I’d rather have the brutal truth from you than this cruel, cold treatment.” Words rush out of me like a flood. Every fear I’ve been holding back just falls from my lips.

Anya sits in shock, her eyes wide and her lips parted.

“Rodion, stop!” she shouts.

I go silent, but my eyes are piercing into her—still saying all of the same things that I fear.

She takes a deep breath, tears in her eyes. It hurts to see her this way. I assume she is going to tell me now—she is going to say it’s over. I tense, waiting for the words.

“I’m pregnant,” she says.

I can’t move.

Of all the things I was expecting—that is not it. My silence is caused by pure shock. And relief. And confusion. And excitement. I can’t speak.

Anya stands up after I have no outward reaction. She looks even more hurt.

“So, there—you have what you wanted. You have your heir. I’ve served my purpose to you and you can stop pretending it’s anything other than what it is.” She lifts her chin in defiance, trying to come across as confident when I can see her eyes are filled with pain.

“Is that what you think?” I stammer, finally finding my voice.

And now it all makes sense. Her fears, her assumptions—the reason for her emotional turmoil and why she didn’t want to tell me.

I shake my head. She turns to leave the room.

“Wait. Anya, you have it all wrong,” I sigh, all of the tension leaving my body. I was so wrong about everything.

And so is she.

“My princess, you don’t know because I never told you—but the very first second I set my eyes on you, I knew I wanted to marry you. I was obsessed from the first moment I saw you. It grew stronger every day and every time our paths crossed. I was determined—through hell or high water—to make you mine. And I did. You’re my wife and I’m the happiest man in the universe. I only told you I wanted an heir to cover for the fact that I am crazy about you. It was stupid—I know—but with or without a baby—you are my everything. I fucking love you, Anya. I am madly, crazy in love with you.”

Her eyes are wide as she stares at me in disbelief. I wait, letting her process everything I’ve said. What is the point of holding back anymore?

I love her.

She’s pregnant with my baby.

I was a fool for not confessing how I felt sooner.

“Rodion—“ her words are choked back by tears and I rush around the table to wrap my arms around her. She stares up at me with glittering eyes. “I love you too. I was so scared to tell you because I didn’t know you felt the same way.”

“I’m so sorry I put you through that, Anya. I am going to take care of you, and our baby. I am going to spend every day making you smile because that is what makes me happy. You are my entire world. I don’t want anything but you.”

She stands up on her tiptoes and presses her lips against mine.

The kiss is tender and slow and her lips taste of salty tears.

I pull her even closer as my body begins to burn with desire for her. She moans against my mouth, reaching up and wrapping her hands around my neck. I grab her ass and lift her into my arms, her legs wrap around my waist as I hold her and kiss her even deeper. I want to show her, I want her to know what she means to me and right now words aren’t enough.

She giggles when I carry her out of the dining room and up the stairs towards our bedroom.

I am never letting her sleep anywhere but next to me again.

And tonight I am going to show her exactly what she means to me.

I throw her down onto the bed, then grab her ankle and pull her back towards me. One by one, I remove her clothes, revealing each beautiful part of her body as though it is a gift that was created just for me.

“I’ve only ever wanted you, princess,” I whisper against her ear as I slide my cock inside her.