Chapter 22 - Anya

The holiday getaway was so romantic. He went out of his way to make it special and all it did was confuse me even more.

My heart is sinking deeper and deeper into him.

I’m falling for him and it terrifies me.

The entire time I was away with him, all I wanted to do was just blurt out that I’m pregnant. But I have a horrible feeling that as soon as he finds out, everything will change.

He will have exactly what he wanted—an heir—and my purpose will be fulfilled as his wife. He will push me away, only interested in the pregnancy—and when the baby is born, I imagine he will hardly even speak to me.

The thought makes me ill.

How did it happen?

How did I fall in love with this man so quickly?

I’m so stupid to have taken that risk.

I sigh heavily and push the teacup away from me.

My stomach flips between starving and disgusted by the mere thought of consuming anything. And it’s getting more and more difficult to hide the morning sickness.

I don’t want to just be sex for someone. I know—I agreed to marry him and it wasn’t for love—but since then, my heart has changed and I wanted to believe in something else.

“Anyone home?” Raisa’s voice calls out from the entrance hall. I didn’t even hear the gate notification when they let her in. Shit. I am so lost in my own head I don’t know what’s going on around me.

“I’m in here,” I call from the living room. It’s rude, but I can’t find it in me to stand up and go greet her.

She walks in, full of smiles, holding her stomach, which is growing larger by the day. I watch her with fascination. She is glowing. She looks as happy as anyone could possibly be.

Will it be like that for me?

No—it won’t if I don’t have a husband who loves me like Oleg loves her.

My brother adores her. He would do anything for her.

“What the hell—Anya. You look like someone dragged you backwards through a bush and stole all your birthday cake.” Raisa hurries over to me and sits down on the sofa next to me.

She pulls me into a hug and even though I try so fucking hard not to—I burst into tears.

“Honey, what’s going on?” she says softly, rocking me back and forth, letting me soak my tears into her shoulder.

“I—I—“ I can’t speak. My throat is closed tightly, and another wave of tears hits me.

“Hey, it’s ok, let it out.”

I cry until I have no more tears in me. Raisa is so patient and caring. She just sits with me, holding me and talking softly to me until I take a deep breath and manage to pull myself together a little bit.

If I can talk to anyone about this—it’s her.

“Anya—what’s going on?” she asks again, once I’ve gotten myself in order.

I look at her, pulling my mouth tight. Then I sigh. “I’m pregnant,” I blurt out, and it feels so good to say it out loud.

She smiles, but at the same time, her brows are knotted tightly. “I don’t understand—you don’t want a baby?” she asks, confused.

“I do, actually. I want to be happy about it. I want to be excited.”

“Then—why aren’t you? Is Rodion not happy about it?”

I bite my lip. “I haven’t told him yet,” I confess. “Please, Raisa, you can’t tell anyone. Not even Oleg. I need time to process everything.”

“But sweetie, why wouldn’t you want Rodion to know? He’s going to be so happy.”

I do my best to explain to her why I’m so nervous about it. She sighs, trying to convince me I’m wrong about her brother, that he has a really soft, giant heart and he wouldn’t treat me like that—but it doesn’t ease my fears.

I want to believe her, but what if she’s wrong?

After we have spoken about it I am a little more at ease, just because I’ve let the thoughts out into the world. It feels easier to handle them now. Like I can sort through them and figure out what to do. I make Raisa promise more than once not to tell a soul—and then I do my best to change the subject.

Even though it is all I can actually think about, I don’t want to burden Raisa with my problems when she is going through such a happy time in her life.

She talks to me about the designer she is working with to set up her baby’s new room. They’ve decided on a name, but they aren’t telling anyone until he’s born. I’m a bit jealous that they are close like that and want to keep certain things just between themselves as though it’s their secret and their adventure. They let the family in on certain things and then keep other things as their own. It’s quite beautiful, really.

It makes this journey theirs.

We chat for ages and I’m grateful because she does manage to distract me from my own stress. She kind of makes me excited, too, as I start thinking about what I’ll need to get and how I will want to decorate the room—and if I want a boy or a girl. I can’t really decide on any of these things now—not in the frame of mind I’m in currently—but at least I can start looking forward to it in the near future. With or without my husband’s support or love.

It’s starting to get late and I’m feeling drained from all the socializing when Oleg arrives to fetch Raisa. I’m relieved. I love having her here, but I need time to think and process my own things.

Oleg walks into the living room in high spirits, a massive smile on his face.

He walks straight over to Raisa and wraps his hand around her jaw, kissing her deeply.

“Hello, my love,” he says, kissing her nose and then her cheeks.

When he’s done gushing over his wife, he looks at me. “Heya, sister. What’s up with—what the hell, you look like shit,” he says, his face quickly changing from a smile to a deep frown of concern.

“Gee—thanks so much. How nice of you,” I mumble, fighting tears because absolutely everything is making me way too emotional these days.

Oleg walks over to me and stares into my eyes. “ What is going on? I’m not joking, Anya—you look— depressed .”

“I’m not depressed. Calm down. I’m just having a bad day.” But to my horror—the tears are now streaming down my cheeks. Dammit. I never used to be this bad at controlling my emotions. Is this really what pregnancy does to people? I feel unstable.

“No, Anya. I’ve known you for far too long. I know when you are lying to me. Is it Rodion?” he glances at Raisa and then back at me. Raisa is biting her lip, she made a promise, and she can’t break it. “Anya—did Rodion do something? Is he being nasty or treating you badly?” Oleg is working himself up more and more the longer I say nothing—but I don’t know what to say.

I stutter and no words come out.

Oleg’s eyes darken.

“I will deal with him. We aren’t leaving until he gets home. I will not ignore that asshole treating my sister badly. He is going to have to face me and probably every single one of your other brothers, too. I don’t care if you’re married—you are still our sister—“

“Oleg, stop!” I shout, completely overwhelmed by his outburst.

He shakes his head, he is pacing up and down the living room.

Raisa looks stressed. She has her hand resting on her stomach.

My secret is going to cause huge issues and the last thing I want is for Oleg to confront Rodion when Rodion has no idea what’s even going on.

“Anya?” Raisa whispers.

I sigh, pressing my hands against my eyes to try and stop the flow of tears.

“Anya?” Oleg demands, noticing something going on between Raisa and I.

“I’m pregnant, Oleg,” I sigh, barely whispering my confession to him. I’m completely drained already and now I have to face my brother. It’s too much.

“What?” he sounds shocked. “Pregnant? I don’t understand—why—what’s the matter?”

“She hasn’t told Rodion yet,” Raisa says, noticing that I can’t speak right now. My throat is too tight, the air is too thick. The room is too hot.

Oleg calms down and takes a seat opposite me. “Why hasn’t she told him?” he asks Raisa.

“Anya?” she asks. I nod. She can explain it to him. I’m too tired.

“She hasn’t told him because she’s worried that all he really wanted from her was an heir. That once he knows she’s pregnant, he will treat her differently. I told her it’s not going to happen. My brother—he’s not like that. He’s stern and can be controlling and abrupt—but he will be so happy to hear this news.”

For a long moment there is silence hanging in the living room. I remain quiet, keeping my face down. I hate this. I hate feeling this way. I’m so stressed about everything.

I can feel their eyes on me. Taking a deep breath, I look up at my brother. “Please don’t tell him. Please promise me you won’t say anything.”

He clenches his jaw, looking from me to Raisa. He doesn’t like this at all.

“Oleg, please,” I ask again, seeing how conflicted he is over this.

“I won’t say anything. I promise. But Anya—keeping secrets isn’t going to solve the things that are worrying you. Trust me when I say that if you just talk to the person—you might be pleasantly surprised to find out that all of your concern was for nothing.” He speaks gentle, as though he learned from his own mistakes and he just wants me to avoid making the same ones.

Oleg smiles towards Raisa. I know he’s referring to things that happened between them in the past. They didn’t exactly have the smoothest start to their relationship and things worked out perfectly for them. I mean, he kidnapped her. She really didn’t like him in the beginning. Their love story is beautiful, though—through everything, they obviously worked it all out, so there is hope that maybe I can do the same with Rodion. Isn't there? Should I even wish for that or am I just going to be breaking my own heart?

Is it possible that my love story might turn out as good as theirs?

Raisa and Oleg stay late into the evening, both not wanting to leave me alone in the state I’m in despite me telling them to leave. I need time alone. I appreciate them being here for me—but I want them to go. Also, I would like for them to be gone already by the time Rodion gets home.

But Oleg is worried about me. He’s my brother, I can expect nothing else.

They stay until Rodion arrives home and when he walks in and sees all of us sitting in the living room, he looks happy. But I’m rigid with anxiety. All I can think over and over is ‘Please don’t tell him. Please don’t tell him.’

I breathe a massive sigh of relief when they stand up to say goodbye, neither of them breaking their promise to me.

Rodion and I stand at the front door, waving them off.

He holds me close to his side, his hand wrapped around my waist.

“How are you feeling, princess? Did you eat yet? Work went a little later than I thought.”

“I didn’t eat yet.”

“Good. I got us a pizza. I can’t even remember when last I had pizza. I had to guess what you like on top. How bad is that?” he chuckles. “My own wife and I don’t know what her favorite pizza is yet.”

“What did you choose?” I ask curiously.

“Bacon, mushroom, avocado, feta and salami with rocket.”

I grin.

He looks at me with raised eyebrows. “Did I get at least some of them right? If there’s something on there you don’t like, I can go and get another one—“

“You actually chose the perfect pizza. That’s everything I would have chosen.”

He smiles proudly. “You see, we were meant to be together—we even like the same pizza,” he jokes.

My heart tugs, wanting his words not to be a joke at all. Wanting him to really feel that way about us—that we are meant to be together. That somehow fate just threw us into this crazy situation because we are supposed to fall in love.

He leads me through to the kitchen.

I sit on the edge of the counter and he leans against it while we eat the pizza straight out of the box.

It’s amazing. I didn’t realize how hungry I was until I smelled it and now I’m suddenly starving and ready to devour the entire thing.

After pizza, we go to bed because I can barely keep my eyes open. I fall asleep quickly, because the day has been long and because I want to avoid having to talk to Rodion.

Oleg is right—I do have to tell him—I just need to figure out how and when and try and prepare my heart for the worst case scenario.