Eight

River

When my alarm goes off the next morning, I turn it off as quickly as I can, hoping not to wake Judson. But when I turn over to check, I find that his side of the bed is empty.

My stomach sinks for a minute before I register the sounds coming from the other side of my closed bedroom door. Someone's moving around in my kitchen, cooking something.

I climb out of bed and pull a new pair of scrubs on before padding barefoot into the kitchen.

Judson's at the stove, plating eggs and bacon that smell delicious. "Hey," he says, glancing over his shoulder at me. "I was just about to come wake you."

I move to the cabinet and take a mug down to fill it with coffee. "What are you doing up at four in the morning? I know you didn't set an alarm because I would've heard it."

That was always something that led to an argument between us whenever we slept at each other's house when we were kids. Judson would set five alarms a few minutes apart because he didn't wake up with the first couple. I'm such a light sleeper that it drove me nuts.

Judson shrugs. "I couldn't sleep. You said you leave at five, so I thought I'd make you some breakfast."

I take the plate he offers and sit at the table with my coffee. "Do you have trouble sleeping?"

I expect him to blow me off, but he surprises me by saying, "Sometimes. The nightmares can be a little bad some nights."

My throat tightens at the vulnerability in his voice. "I'm sorry. Those are hard."

"It's fine." He sits across from me with his own plate and gives me a tired smile. "I wouldn't have gotten much sleep last night anyway. I was up thinking about you."

It's an obvious change of subject, and I let it slide. I'm not going to push Judson into talking about something he doesn't want to talk about.

"Can I take you to work?" Judson asks, taking a bite of his bacon.

"Um…" I stir the eggs around on my plate for a second. "Only if you're there as soon as I get off my shift. I don't like being out after dark."

"Of course I'd be there," Judson says. "In fact, maybe I'll just hang out at the hospital all day and annoy your coworkers until they stop and tell me all your little secrets."

I laugh. "You know way more of my secrets than they ever will."

He gives me a soft, sad smile. "I'm sorry I wasn't here for you."

I shake my head before he's done apologizing. "I forgave you, Judson. And now that you told me why you left in the first place, I understand it more. I don't like it, but I get it. I just wish you'd been honest with me from the beginning. Everything was such a mess when I came out of the coma. There are pieces that are still missing from my memory."

Judson frowns. "Pieces like what?"

"Like how we got out. I remember you pulling me into the truck and driving to the hospital, but I don't remember what happened to Ian. They told me he died."

"He did. I wouldn't have left town if he'd still been alive," Judson says fiercely. "If there was a chance he'd hurt you, I wouldn't have left you alone."

My heart warms at the sincerity in his voice. The protectiveness. Maybe Walter had a point about me looking at Judson as a hero.

"If you want to hear every detail, I'll tell you after work," Judson says. "I'm…I'm sorry. I didn't realize you had pieces missing."

"It's okay. That's the only day I have trouble remembering. And to be honest, I never really cared about how he died. I was just glad he was gone."

He nods, but his eyes have taken on that faraway look he had the other night when he told me about Ian and the party. Even thinking about that now makes me so enraged on his behalf. The thought that he carried that around with him for six years kills me.

Even though I know he has to learn how to let it go on his own, I can't help wishing I could help him get free of all the things Ian taught him.

***

I know Judson will be there when I get off my shift later, but I can't help being a little nervous as I watch his Jeep drive away. I don't like the idea of being dependent on someone for a ride, but I'd wanted to spend more time with Judson. And I'm looking forward to seeing him after my shift. I just have to keep that in mind.

Most of my day passes in a blur of the usual summer related injuries. Kids with sprained wrists after a fall during skateboarding and guys overheating while mowing their lawns. I pass out a lot of ice packs and waters. I don't mind the rush because it helps keep me focused. When I first started school, I liked that it kept my mind occupied with something other than Ian and the fact that Judson was gone. Now I'm thankful that the busyness of today is keeping me from overthinking what I did yesterday with Judson.

I'd expected to be a little afraid when I was finally with someone again, but since that person was Judson, it wasn't as scary. I'd felt so safe with him.

"You seem happy today." Paul's voice cuts through my thoughts, and I turn around from where I'm staring at the microwave, waiting for my Ramen noodles to heat up. I'm not as hungry right now as I usually am at this time of day because Judson made a huge breakfast, and it was delicious. But when it's time for my break, I have to take it. I don't know if I'll get another one.

"So?" Paul asks, opening the refrigerator and pulling a salad from its depths. "Who's the lucky guy?"

"Oh, um…it's not like that."

"Right. Like I don't know that look." He tears open a plastic fork and moves to one of the round tables in our small lounge.

The microwave beeps, but I don't move to take the noodles out yet. I'm not really sure what to say to Paul. I like him a lot, and he's one of the only people here who doesn't know about everything that happened with Ian. He only transferred here a year ago.

I've just never had someone to actually talk about. I was a virgin when Ian took us; the only person I've been with, not counting him, is Judson. What would I even say to Paul about him?

"Playing it close to the vest?" Paul asks, cramming a bite of salad into his mouth. "I respect that."

"It was just a hookup," I say, even though it felt a lot bigger than that. "And it was that guy who almost passed out in the hallway the other day."

Paul glances up at me. "Really? No offense, but I never took you for a guy who had random hookups."

"I'm not really." I grab my meal from the microwave and move to sit across from Paul. "He's actually an old friend of mine. We knew each other as kids."

"He move back into town?"

"No, his sister's having a baby. He's not going to stay too long." The thought of him leaving again already bothers me more than I should let it.

"Is he the reason you don't date?" Paul asks.

I take a bite of my noodles to stall for a minute. I hadn't realized Paul noticed that. We're all on busy schedules, but most of the others I know here, like the girls, still find time to date.

"He's part of the reason," I say after swallowing. "But he didn't do anything wrong. It was just…complicated."

Even that doesn't feel like the most adequate way to describe our relationship, but it's the best answer I can give Paul without going into all of the details. There's nothing I could say that would encompass everything we went through together.

"Well," Paul says, pulling me back to the present. "You look really happy. And that's nice to see. Especially in a job like this."

He turns his attention to a text on his phone, and I let the silence settle between us. For the first time since I started working here, I can't wait until the end of my shift. Because at the end of my shift, I'll get to see Judson again. I don't know how long he'll stay in town for after McKenzie has her baby, but it already feels like it won't be long enough.