Sixteen

River

I visit McKenzie and her newborn son twice while she's in the hospital, but I don't get the chance to see Judson for a few days.

A part of me wonders if he's avoiding me. I can't really blame him if he is. He has a lot to work through, and now he's taking care of McKenzie on top of it. I know Polly's been by a few times with casseroles and baked goods, and I want to do something to help, but I also don't want to bother Judson. We left things so open, even after I stayed with him through McKenzie's surgery. I don't want to make anything awkward.

Two weeks pass before I see him again, leaning against his Jeep in the parking lot of my apartment complex. He looks a lot more relaxed than the last time I saw him.

When I park beside him and get out of my car, he gives me a tentative smile. "Can we talk?"

"Sure." My heart pounds as I lead him up to my apartment, and he's silent all the way there. He doesn't say a word until the door is locked behind us.

"I realized earlier today that I never even thanked you for staying with me when McKenzie was in surgery."

He sounds so sheepish that I laugh a little. "You don't need to thank me for that. We're friends, Judson. Whether we're disagreeing about something or not."

He smiles at my laughter but sobers quickly. "Well, I also want to tell you that I'm sorry. I never meant to make you feel used."

"You didn't."

He searches my gaze for a long minute, looking for a lie, so I add, "I felt like you were using sex, not necessarily me. And it wasn't as though I was doing anything I didn't want to do."

He glances away from me. "You were right. A part of me did like what we did together because it reminded me of that small safe space we carved with each other in Ian's basement. But that's only one part of it. The other part is that I really want to be with you."

I swallow and glance down at my sneakers. "I really want to be with you too. But not until you can separate sex now from sex back then. Because I can't be wondering if we're together because you want me or because it helps you forget."

"I know," Judson says. "And I'm sorry I ever made you second guess that. I'm not here looking for that. I just need to talk to you."

I nod and move further into the apartment so we can sit on the sofa. It's strange to sit here with him again when the last time we were on this sofa was when he laid me down and gave me one of the most mind-blowing orgasms I'd ever had.

I think Judson's remembering it too because his eyes darken a little before he blinks in an obvious attempt to refocus.

"I know I need help. If I'm honest with myself, I've known it for a long time. It was just easier to keep pushing it all back down." He glances down at his fingers interlocked over his knee. "And because some piece of me believed I didn't deserve to work through it."

If it's possible, the confession breaks my heart further. I hate knowing he's been thinking these things. Living with these thoughts for so long. "Judson—"

"I know," he says before I can offer anything more. "I've started seeing someone. Twice a week. It's…brutal."

I nod wordlessly. Starting therapy was the hardest part. Those first few sessions where it felt like I was reliving those moments over and over again was like torture. But after a little while, it was easier to talk about. I think it's a big reason why I didn't completely fall apart when I saw Judson again for the first time in years when he came back home. I'd made my peace with what had happened, even if it still hurts.

"I'm proud of you," I say. "I know it's hard."

"Yeah, I'm kind of kicking myself for letting it get this bad."

"You have no idea how much teen angst I had when my parents shoved me into therapy."

He laughs, and my chest warms at the sound. It's so natural, closer to how he laughed before Ian got ahold of us.

We sit in silence for a while, and it feels really good to just be with him. To not have to think or talk about Ian, just be who we are outside of that part of us.

"I know I'm not ready for a solid relationship yet," Judson says when the quiet has stretched for a while. "But when I get there, I want it to be with you. I know that's not fair to ask of you, and I'm not going to. But I wanted you to know where I'm at. And I needed you to hear me when I said I wasn't trying to use you in any way. I'd never hurt you on purpose."

"I know that, Judson." I reach over and brush his cheek with the backs of my fingers. "Maybe it's not fair of you to ask me, so I'm going to tell you. It's always been you. There's no one else for me. I want to be with you. I've waited six years. I can wait a little longer."

His eyes close, and he reaches up to hold my hand that's on his cheek. "In the spirit of honesty, I don't feel like I deserve for you to wait for me or give me another chance. I feel like I should be trying to talk you out of it."

"Well, you can't. You have this belief that if you're honest with me, I'm going to run away from you. But, Judson, you know I've never run away from you. And I never will. I'm afraid you're stuck with me."

He opens his eyes to search my gaze, once again looking for a lie, but he's not going to find one. I fell in love with Judson before I really knew what falling in love meant. We grew up together. Battled monsters together. There's nothing that could ever stop me from loving him.