Fourteen

River

For the first time since Judson came back to Portland, I'm not excited about my day off. The ugly words we had during our fight are still ringing in my ears even four days later. I wish I hadn't said anything.

As soon as that thought enters my head, I get angrier. I needed to say something. Not only did it upset me, but what he's doing isn't healthy. I have no right to tell him what to do, but I can set a limit about what I'll enable.

My phone buzzes with a text on my nightstand, but I ignore it for now. I have a different tone set for the hospital so I'll never miss something from them, and that wasn't the sound.

I want to see if it's Judson, but I also just want a little bit of distance right now. But I also feel bad because I don't think Judson even realizes what he's doing.

With a sigh, I throw my blankets off and pad into the bathroom to take a shower. With the whole day ahead of me, I'll grab some breakfast and drive down to see my parents. I haven't been around in a while because I've been really busy. We talk on the phone all the time, but it's not the same as getting a hug from them in person.

So after my shower, I throw some old jeans and a T-shirt on, pour myself a travel mug of coffee, then swipe my phone from the nightstand.

I take a breath and open my messages, determined to scroll past anything new and just get in touch with Mom. But all the texts are from one person, and it's not Judson.

They're all from Paul.

Your friend McKenzie is here. Went into labor early.

There are complications, but I don't know what they are yet. I'll keep you updated, but you might want to get here.

It's umbilical cord prolapse.

The last message stops my heartbeat. I may not work in the L&D ward, but even I know how dangerous that is. To both McKenzie and her baby.

My hands shake as I try to call Paul, but it goes straight to voicemail.

I swear and shove my feet into my shoes before running out the door. I barely pause to lock it after me.

The drive to the hospital seems to take forever, and I hit every single red light on the way. How could this happen? She was perfectly fine at her last check-up. Did they miss something? Is it just random bad luck?

I pull into the parking garage and kill the engine to my car before climbing out of it. I jog inside the building and take the elevator up to the fourth floor.

As soon as the doors open with a ding, I see Judson in one of the waiting room chairs with his head in his hands.

"Judson."

He looks up, his eyes swollen and rimmed with red. Without a word, he stands, and I close the gap between us. I hug him as tight as I can, and he returns my embrace without hesitation.

"How is she?" I ask.

"I don't know. No one's come out to talk to me since they took her back. One minute she was fine, and then…" His voice cuts out.

"Okay." I pull away from him and guide him back to the chair he stood up from. "I'm here. I'll wait right here with you."

He nods, his gaze on the sliding doors they must've taken McKenzie through. "I can't lose her. She's the only family I have left."

"She's going to be okay." I take his hand in mine. "McKenzie's tough like you. She'll get through it."

His leg bounces with nerves. "She was so pale. I'd never seen her look like that."

"She was probably in shock. Umbilical cord prolapse doesn't cause excessive bleeding."

His jaw works, and he stares straight ahead at a humming vending machine. "They said there's a three to seven percent mortality rate for the infants."

I squeeze his hand a little tighter. "There is. But they're in really good hands right now. Our labor and delivery team is one of the best on the west coast."

He nods. "I know. I just…I wish I could be back there with her. It's killing me to sit out here and do nothing." He reaches up with his free hand to rub the back of his neck. "And I can't stop thinking about being here after Ian's place. Waiting for hours to get an update on how you were doing only to be told the same thing over and over. It was so awful. I don't know how you can work in this place every day."

"I guess I just don't look at it the same way you do." Talking about Ian after our argument is probably treading in dangerous territory, but he needs something else to focus on. Something else to talk about that isn't McKenzie in the middle of an emergency C-section. So I keep talking. "This place is where they saved my life. It's where I got a second chance after escaping Ian's place. It's where I started healing."

Judson turns his head to look at me, his eyes bloodshot. "I don't think I ever started healing."

The raw vulnerability in his voice shatters my heart. I'd already suspected it, but to hear him confirm it is somehow worse.

"I'm sorry," I say, even though it's not adequate. I know from experience that there are no magic words that will suddenly make him feel better or forget about what we went through. It's just something we have to come to terms with on our own.

Before Judson can say anything more, the double doors slide open, and a doctor appears. I don't know his name, but I recognize him from passing in the hallways during my shifts.

Judson stands, and I go with him. His hand tightens almost to the point of pain around mine.

"Judson." The doctor pulls his mask down to rest on his neck. "The surgery went well. Both mom and baby are going to be all right. You can go ahead and come back to see your sister if you'd like."

Relief fills me, my whole body relaxing. As much as I was trying to assure Judson that everything would be okay, these things can be unpredictable.

Judson lets out a breath and releases my hand. When he turns to face me, I'm relieved to see that his face already has more color than it did moments ago.

"Thank you for staying with me," he says softly.

"Of course." Nothing would've stopped me from coming to him. "I'm gonna head home, but I'll stop by tomorrow to check in. Go be with McKenzie."

He nods, and I see the hesitation in his eyes. There's so much between us that still needs to be talked about, but it's not the moment for that.

Judson must come to the same conclusion because he leans forward and kisses my cheek. Then he turns and disappears through the double doors, leaving me alone.