Thirteen

Judson

When I leave River's apartment, I'm so angry that my hands shake as I try to unlock the doors to my Jeep.

Rain has started to fall, and thunder rumbles overhead, only making my mood darker. I can't believe River would say something like that. Like I would use him for sex.

I grit my teeth as I climb into my Jeep and slam the door shut after me. Rain pounds on the roof of the car, and I just sit there, breathing in time to the white noise outside.

The longer I sit there, the more the anger starts to turn internal. River could've been angry with me when I came back to town. He could've let me have it for leaving him alone to deal with the aftermath of Ian. He could've gotten angry when I told him about the party. But he wasn't.

Which means he must've been really pissed off tonight.

I just don't know why. I don't understand why he would think I see him as some way to block thoughts of Ian from my head.

I stay in the parking lot for almost twenty minutes, going back over all the time we've spent together since I came back to town, and I can't think of a single instance where I could've made him think something like that. It's not like I barged into his apartment and demanded we fuck so I could stop thinking about Ian.

I reach for the door handle of my Jeep, ready to go back in there and tell him how wrong he is. But there's an annoying voice that sounds eerily similar to McKenzie's in the back of my mind, asking if I'm sure. River was the one who suggested sex the first time that morning at the café, but the next time was after I told him about the day we escaped Ian's place. I remember being upset as I talked about it, and then I kissed River.

My hand drops from my car door back into my lap, and I stare out at the raindrops running down my windshield. Maybe I did do that, but is it such a terrible thing? When we were trapped in Ian's place, we were all each other had. Being together was the only safe thing—the one thing Ian couldn't control.

Maybe I am having a little bit of trouble coping with all of it, but shouldn't that be expected given what we survived?

The little voice in the back of my head chastises me again. I'm not still at Ian's place. River has a life outside of that, and so do I. We're both safe right now, even if I don't feel like we are.

I saw Ian's body. I'm the one who killed him; I know he can't hurt us again. But knowing that doesn't change anything. I still feel like I'm locked in that basement, and I'm afraid that feeling might not ever go away.

***

Days pass where I don't see River. I keep busy helping McKenzie with any last-minute things she needs, including helping her pack her hospital bag.

I work a lot and stay up as late as I can so when my head hits the pillow at night, I don't lie there thinking about River and Ian and how I let everything get so fucked up.

I'm sure McKenzie knows something happened between me and River because I'm not leaving the house as much. She's probably tired of seeing me hanging around all the time. So I drag myself out of the house on Tuesday to go see Polly. She's probably gearing up to start the bake sale for the graduating seniors. She and some other people in the surrounding towns get together to sell baked goods and whatever profit they make is split between the seniors of the schools they're supporting. I didn't even know that was a thing until Polly told me about it.

When I pull up to her house, she's outside, unloading groceries from the back of her Sedan.

Her face lights up when I get out of my car. "I was hoping you'd come by again. Help me get these inside; I made those lemon cookies you like."

I haven't had much of an appetite lately, but my stomach gives a hopeful growl at her words. I grab the last of the groceries and close her car door before following her into her house.

She directs me to sit and eat, even though I try to help her put away the groceries.

"I'm perfectly capable of putting things away on my own," she says. "Now eat or you'll offend me."

I roll my eyes and take a bite of a lemon cookie, savoring the way it practically melts on my tongue.

"How's McKenzie doing?" Polly asks.

"Good. She's due any day now, and I think she just can't wait to be done with being pregnant."

Polly laughs. "I don't envy her that. But soon you'll have a nephew you can spoil."

I smile at the thought. I am going to spoil that kid. And more importantly, I'm going to make sure he always knows how loved he is. I don't want him to doubt that although his family is small, we'll love him unconditionally.

"Did you ever get that unfinished business taken care of?" Polly asks from inside her walk-in pantry where she's putting away boxes of macaroni.

My stomach sinks, and I swallow the last bite of my cookie. "I thought I had. But I think I might've messed it up."

"Well, that's the great thing about people who love you—they'll give you a second chance when you mess up."

"He already gave me a second chance. I'm not sure I have a right to ask for a third."

Polly comes out of the pantry and closes the door behind her. "You're not going to have to ask for one. River will give it to you."

That doesn't exactly make me feel any better. "Do you think he should?"

"Well, that depends on what you did. But knowing you, it's something forgivable," she replies. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

"Then get up and help me get started baking. The cupcakes aren't going to make themselves."

I take another cookie, then move to the counter to help her gather the ingredients. It's nice to just work in silence alongside her. Keeping my mind focused on the recipes and making sure everything turns out right allows me to push all other thoughts from my head.

Night falls before I know it, and Polly makes me eat dinner before she sends me off with a container full of cupcakes.

I feel better on the drive back to McKenzie's place, and I'm sure she liked the break from me moping around all day.

When I step into her house, I put the container of cupcakes on the entryway table and call her name.

There's no response, which is weird since her car's still in the driveway.

"McKenzie?" I call again, checking the kitchen and dining room before starting upstairs. "Where are you?"

I hear a noise from the nursery and turn in that direction, my heart starting to pound. She sounds like she's in pain.

"Kenz?" I push open the door to find her on her knees on the carpet, her face white.

"Something's wrong, Judson. I need to get to the hospital."