Prologue

PROLOGUE

Ella

“ I t’s what we’ve talked about since we graduated. All of us together,” Letty gushes on the other end of our FaceTime.

Ripping my eyes from the mirror where I was doing my makeup, I focus on the screen.

A massive lump crawls up my throat at the view before me.

Happiness radiates from her. And I can’t deny the rush of jealousy that floods my veins.

She deserves it, the happiness. The life she’s always dreamed of. Her perfect man.

A family.

But, don’t I?

Honestly, I’m starting to think that maybe I don’t. That I did something really screwed up in a previous life and I’m now being punished for it.

“I know,” I murmur, dragging myself from my thoughts.

“I thought you’d be really excited about this. When I heard the news and then saw the schedule…” She lets out a little shriek of happiness. “It’s going to be epic. I’ve missed the guys so much. I love watching them play, but to have them all together again…” She sighs happily.

“It feels like a lifetime ago, doesn’t it?” I murmur.

I’m immediately back in Maddison Kings Panthers stadium, watching Luca, Leon—I swallow nervously—and Colt running circles around their opponents. And then when they all got drafted in their senior year, Kane, West and Brax filled their shoes and continued the Panthers’ success before heading into the bright NFL sunset to live the lives they’ve always dreamed of.

Leaving me behind…

“I’m sorry. I am excited. It’s just…” Dreaming about something happening and it becoming reality are two very different things. “Not a great time,” I confess, hoping it’ll be enough to appease her.

The truth is, I do want to go to Seattle and watch the Saints face off against the Chiefs. More than anything. I’ve watched the guys’ careers since the moment they started, and I’m desperate to see them, to tell them how proud I am of them in person, and all at the same time. I’m…I’m a shell of the girl they used to know. And I’m not ready to confront that reality yet.

“That’s exactly why it’s the perfect time. A few days away will give you the space you need to figure everything out.”

She’s right. As I look around the room I’m sitting in, I know she’s talking sense.

But I’m scared.

I’ve made this just-about-bearable life here. I’ve kept myself in the shadows, made my moves in almost complete invisibility. Stepping out of the bubble to embody the girl who used to be the life and soul of MKU parties sends a shiver of fear through every inch of me.

Letty stares at me through the screen, her all-seeing eyes taking everything in.

“Just give me your dates and I’ll book flights and a hotel. I know where the teams are staying, so?—”

“Letty,” I warn, hating that she feels the need to spend money on me. I don’t care how much Kane is earning these days; I don’t want her to pay my way.

“You can pay me back.” She sighs. “I just…I really want this. All of us together, just like the good old days. Watching the guys play and?—”

“How’s Leon’s ankle?” I ask, a pathetic attempt to dodge the real issue here.

“Getting there,” she says, rolling her eyes. “It’s his attitude that needs fixing right now. He’s like a bear with a sore head. He’s only going to miss a few weeks of the season. It’s not like he’s out for the entire season.”

“Poor Macie.” I laugh. “I bet he’s driving her crazy.”

“He is,” Letty confirms. “They’ll be there, though.”

Of course they will.

“Let—”

“It’s four months away. A lot can change in that time. Just promise me that you’ll think about it,” she urges. “You’ve been saying for ages that you want to come out and see us here. This is the perfect opportunity.”

“It is, and I do want to see you, but?—”

“Colt.”

Hearing his name shouldn’t affect me. It’s been years since I’ve seen his face in real life. But my skin prickles as if he’s just walked in the room and my stomach knots.

It’s insane. Completely and utterly ridiculous.

But it’s always been the same.

I squeeze my eyes closed, forgetting that she can see me.

“Ella.” She sighs. “You’d really miss this trip because of him?”

Yes.

“No. I’d miss this trip because I’m here living my life with my fiancé, and we can’t really affor?—”

“I already said?—”

“Letty, please.” She snaps her lips shut, her eyes darkening. I instantly feel like the worst person in the world. She’s trying to do a good thing. Organize the reunion we’ve talked about for so long. But I’m just not sure if I can do it. And not just because of Colt, but a million other things I really don’t want to identify right now. “I’ll think about it, okay? Talk to Chad.”

“He can come, too,” she offers, although it’s weak at best.

I get it, I do. They’ve met once, and this is about our old college family and reminiscing. Hell knows I wouldn’t want to go to meet up with his old college friends if the shoe was on the other foot.

“I’m sorry, but I really need to?—”

“Shit, El. I feel like I’ve just dropped all this on you and freaked you out. I thought you’d be excited.”

“I am,” I lie.

She smiles softly at me through the screen.

“We’ll talk soon, yeah?”

“Of course.”

“Come here, bud,” she says, tugging her son onto her lap. “Say bye-bye to Auntie Ella.”

My heart knots as his big, beautiful eyes stare at me. Those chubby cheeks do weird things to my insides.

“Bye, baby boy. See you soon.”

I blow him a kiss and quickly end the call before I begin getting emotional.

Blowing out a slow, calming breath, I swipe some gloss over my lips, run my fingers through my faded hair and push to my feet.

It’s about as good as it’s going to get for now.

A shriek rips from my throat when I open the bedroom door and find Chad standing right there.

He looks just as perfect as he always does. It’s how he managed to sweep me off my feet so easily when I first came back here. That and his smile and kind, encouraging words.

“Jesus,” I pant, my hand covering my racing heart. “What the hell are you doing?”

His light blue eyes hold mine in a way that others might say is loving, caring, but I know better. It’s been a long time since I’ve been under any illusion about the man I’m living with.

“You were on a call. I didn’t want to barge in,” he says softly.

I study him suspiciously, but all he does is smile back at me.

“Okay, well…I need coffee and to get to work.”

His eyes drop from mine, taking a quick, unimpressed trip over my body.

“What happened to that dress I bought you last week?”

Smoothing a hand down the front of my navy shirt dress, I force myself to hold firm, to be that confident girl Letty and the others remember from college.

“I need to do laundry,” I state before stepping around him in favor of the kitchen.

“That’s a shame, it’s much more flattering.”

My fists curl, my nails cutting into my palms.

“I’ve paid that overdue bill on the counter, just so you know,” he adds.

I come to a stop in front of the bill he’s talking about, my eyes locking on the big, ominous overdue stamp across the top of it.

A pained sigh falls from my lips as the weight pressing on my shoulders gets heavier.

Thoughts of college, and the girl I used to be, are better off being left in the past.

This is who I am now.

This is where I’m supposed to be.

And one day, if I try really hard, I might just start believing it.