34. Sutton

34

SUTTON

Cope’s words echoed around the room like a cannon shot, reverberating off the walls and bleeding into me. I stared up at the man I knew I was falling for. There was only one word to describe his face: ravaged.

“What?” I whispered, not wanting to add to the weight of his statement.

“I. Killed. Them.” The words sounded torn from his throat. As if someone had ripped them free and left a bloody trail in their wake.

“It was an accident?—”

“Was it?” He cut me off.

“Cope.” His name was barely audible, but it was all I could get out.

“We were coming home from my game. They wouldn’t have been there if it wasn’t for me.”

“That’s not?—”

“Stop,” he bit out. My mouth snapped closed, and Cope went on, almost as if in a trance. “It was winter. Got dark early. It was only 7:30 at night, but it was pitch-black. We were driving home on one of those two-lane roads, Dad and Jacob in the front, and Fallon and me in the back.”

Cope wasn’t seeing me now; he was somewhere else entirely. Back there, on that day. “We’d lost, and I was in a shitty mood. Took it out on Fal, needling her about something stupid. She snapped back at me, and we started fighting in earnest. Yelling about who would get Jacob’s room when he moved out that summer to go to college. It was so stupid.”

My rib cage tightened around my lungs. I could feel his pain like a living, breathing monster between us. But the invisible kind. The kind you couldn’t see to fight off but left bloodied wreckage in its wake.

“Dad turned for a split second. Just long enough to tell us to quit it. But that was all it took. Jacob shouted. There was a damn deer in the middle of the road. Dad tried to swerve, but it was icy. We went over an embankment and hit a tree. I came to, and all I could hear was pain.”

I wanted to touch Cope so badly, to soothe him somehow. But I knew if my skin grazed his, this story would stop, and something told me Cope needed to get this off his chest more than anything.

“I listened as my dad and brother died, but I couldn’t get to them. Couldn’t help. They needed me, and I wasn’t fucking there. Pinned in the back seat next to my unconscious sister, not knowing if she was dead or alive, just knowing it was all my fault.”

Tears streamed down Cope’s cheeks and dripped off his jaw and chin, forming darker spots on the floor around us. “I killed them. Fal doesn’t remember because she had a head injury. That whole night is just gone for her. But I remember it. I live with it every single day—the knowledge that I tore my family apart.”

I moved then, unable to hold back any longer. It didn’t matter that Cope was covered in sweat from his run or that he didn’t think he deserved this. I wrapped my arms around his waist, pressed my face to his chest, and held on with everything I had.

“How can you bear to touch me?” he croaked.

“Cope,” I rasped. “You are a good man.”

“I’m not. ”

“You’re a good man, and it wasn’t your fault.”

“It’s on me ,” he growled.

I pulled back, my hands lifting to grab his face. “You were a thirteen-year-old kid who was bickering with his sister. If you think that condemns you to a lifetime of misery, then every single human with a sibling would suffer that fate.”

The remnants of tears swirled in his shadowy blues. “They died because of me. And I’ve never told a single soul.”

“They didn’t. There is no reason for their deaths. That’s why it’s called an accident. Because no one is at fault. Certainly not you .”

It killed a piece of my soul that Cope had been carrying this around for the past seventeen years. That he’d held this kind of pain and guilt without telling anyone . It made so many things make sense, though.

Why he held himself apart from his family yet would do anything for them. Why he didn’t typically spend much time in Sparrow Falls, as if he could hide from the memories. Why he went after anyone who hurt one of his teammates on the ice as if he could protect them the way he hadn’t with his brother and father. And why he was holding himself back from me now as if that would keep him from being hurt again.

Fear and atonement.

It was a lethal mixture. One that could destroy Cope’s life. It was more toxic than even the drugs that had pulled Roman under.

Cope’s chest rose and fell with his ragged pants as he recovered from his punishing run and letting loose that story. I kept a hold of his face. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“Sutton,” he croaked.

“It wasn’t your fault.” I’d say the words over and over until he had no choice but to hear me.

“You don’t know?—”

“I do,” I said, cutting him off. “You think I haven’t gotten to know your family over this past year? That I don’t know how they’d react to knowing you’ve been shouldering this burden for seventeen years? They’d be heartbroken. Not because they think you’re responsible but because you’ve been carrying all this weight without letting them help.”

I knew that with every piece of my soul. Because that’s who the Colsons were. They met you wherever you were and surrounded you with love and acceptance. It killed me that Cope thought he’d get anything different.

Cope stared down at me, his chest still rising and falling with those rough breaths. His eyes searched mine, but I couldn’t pin down what he was looking for. “I’m reckless. And it wasn’t just that night. I snapped on the ice and got Teddy injured. Snapped at practice and nearly got suspended. Could’ve really hurt a teammate who, while an ass, wouldn’t have deserved it. And all of it came around to bring Teddy here. Because he was checking in on my mess of a self. If he hadn’t, he’d still be alive.”

That was a knife to the chest. “Cope.”

“But even worse, I guilted you into going to a funeral that exposed you to people you’re hiding from because they broke your goddamned body and left you for dead.” His chest heaved with his labored breaths that had nothing to do with recovering from his run.

But I kept a hold of his face and didn’t let go. “First, you’re human. You went after a player who messed with one of your friends. From what I’ve learned about hockey, that’s pretty typical.”

“Sutton—”

“I’m talking,” I clipped, anger pressing to the surface, not at Cope but at the game of torture his mind was playing on him.

Cope snapped his mouth closed.

“From what I understand, Teddy got hurt after that incident because another player cheated. The only person that’s on is the other player.”

Cope’s jaw worked back and forth, but he didn’t try to interrupt again.

“And Marcus?” I asked. “That guy is a pompous, jealous jerk-face.”

There was the barest flutter in Cope’s lips. “Jerk-face?”

“Am I wrong? ”

“Not wrong, Warrior. But he probably didn’t deserve the punch.”

I let out a long breath. “No, he probably didn’t. At least not one to the face.”

I got a full lip twitch this time but knew it wouldn’t last because I had to say the next part and knew it would hurt. I gripped Cope’s face tighter. “Teddy died. And it happened on the way home from visiting you.”

Cope tried to pull back. “Sutton?—”

“He died on the way home from visiting someone he loved. From sharing the sport he adored with new athletes. If you’re blaming yourself for that, are you going to blame the kids, too? Are you going to blame Luca?”

“Of course, not.”

“Good.” I stretched up onto my tiptoes to press my forehead to his. “Because it was no one’s fault. And I know it must have stirred up all kinds of demons, but you can’t let them win.”

Cope’s arms slid around me then, and he breathed me in. “Okay.”

I pulled back, surprise making my eyes flare. “Okay?”

He nodded. “I’m sorry I let the demons win for a minute.”

All the air left my lungs in a whoosh. “I’m sorry, too. Because you need to know, you’re the best for me. You jumped in to help with Luca. You gave us a place to stay. You make us dinner every night. You’re giving Luca everything he’s ever dreamed of. We might not have forever, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t soak up everything we can right now.”

I said the last piece for myself as much as for him, an audible reminder that there was a time limit on this. Because Cope would return to Seattle while Luca’s and my lives were here in Sparrow Falls. But I wouldn’t hold myself back from Cope. I planned to soak up every ounce of him I could get because the memories would have to get me through when he left. Just like I wanted his memories of me to remind him what a good man he is.

Cope’s eyes flashed a brighter blue, defiance making a home there. “Soak up everything we can because this has an expiration date, huh?” His hand slid to my waist, scorching me through the thin cotton of my tank top.

“It’s the truth. You’ll go back to Seattle, and I’ll be in Sparrow Falls.”

That hand dipped beneath the fabric of my shirt and circled my belly. “Ever hear of a long-distance relationship?”

“Cope…” That wasn’t practical—for a million different reasons.

“You wanna do this, then we do it. No half measures. And no throwing up walls after you break down mine.”

The accusation had my blood heating. “Says the man who’s been avoiding me for the past two weeks.”

Cope’s rough palm pressed into my belly, pushing me back one step, then two, three, until my back hit a solid surface, but not one that caused any pain. The movement and how it felt told me it was a punching bag.

“Because you scare the hell out of me, Warrior. Because you make me feel more than I ever thought I could.”

The air seized in my lungs, pulling in muscle and sinew with a violent contraction. It was my fear that hit me then. The idea of falling for a man with the potential to crush me. “Cope.”

“So, tell me, are you ready to go there with me?”

That hand on my belly was all I could feel. The heat of it, my need for more contact, more of him . Cope’s fingers twisted in the hem of my tank and then jerked it up and over my head.

The cool air of the gym instantly had my skin pebbling and my nipples tightening. But there was nothing but liquid fire in Cope’s eyes. “Do you want me to touch you, Warrior?”

“Yes,” I breathed.

He didn’t hesitate. He lifted my hands above my head in a flash. “Grip the chains.”

The words were roughly ordered, sending a pleasant shiver down my spine. Instantly obeying him, my fingers curled around the heavy bag’s thick chains. Annoyance flickered that my body seemed so eager to please, but that annoyance quickly melted into shock as Cope used my tank top to tie my hands above my head and fasten them to the chains.

“Cope,” I gritted out.

He just grinned at me, the kind of sharkish smile that should’ve had unease sliding through me. There was none of that. Heat flared between my legs at the promise of that smile, and wetness quickly followed.

“I asked if you wanted me to touch you , not the other way around.” Cope stepped back, his thumb grazing his lower lip as he took me in. “So fucking beautiful. Back arched, pretty little nipples on display.”

My breaths came quicker. Something about him watching me and being at his mercy had more wetness gathering at the apex of my thighs. “Cope.”

Those dark-blue eyes twinkled with mischief. “Is there something you need, Sutton?”

My eyes narrowed. “Stop playing games.”

One corner of his mouth kicked up. “You going to be in this with me?”

My mouth dropped open. “This is sexual blackmail.”

Cope chuckled, the sound low and throaty. “Love that little O your mouth makes when you’re shocked. Makes me think about it taking my cock.”

Holy hell.

Now that was all I could think about. Me on my knees as I took Cope.

“You like the idea of that.”

It wasn’t a question. My gaze snapped back to Cope’s face. “Untie my hands, and maybe you’ll find out.”

“My warrior likes to play.” He grinned. “Not today. I have other plans for you.”

Cope moved toward me, prowling like a predator stalking its prey. “Plans to make you beg. And if you’re good, maybe I’ll reward you. Make you come so hard you see stars. ”

My breaths came in quick pants now, my hands gripping the chains so hard I knew they would leave indentations behind.

Cope’s hands lifted. One palmed my breast while he circled my nipple with the thumb of the other. “Look at you responding to my touch, your breasts reaching out for more. Your body’s with me. But I’m greedy. I want all of you. Your mind, heart, and your fucking soul.”

I gripped the chains even harder, making them rattle. “Cope.”

“Are you ready for that?” he rasped.

I wasn’t. Not yet. The idea terrified me. Because the last time I’d truly let someone in, my whole world was decimated.

Cope’s thumb circled closer to the peak, making the bud tighten to an almost painful state. “Not there yet. But you will be.” Cope lowered his head and took the bud into his mouth, sucking deeply.

I let out a nonsensical sound as my back arched. It was both too much and not enough. But the fact that I was pressing myself harder against Cope’s face told me I only wanted more.

Cope’s hand moved between my thighs, cupping me through my light sweatpants. I pushed against him, seeking friction and more contact. His hand was gone in a flash, and his mouth left my breast. He tsked. “You’re not in control. Not today.”

I made a sound that resembled a growl.

Cope only grinned at me. “I love it when you beg.”

“You won’t love it when I return the favor.”

Cope chuckled. “Probably not. But it’ll be worth it.”

Then he dropped to his knees. I sucked in a sharp breath at the sight of him. His light-brown hair just a little wild, and his dark-blue eyes alight with fire. He reached up, his fingers tucking into the band of my sweats and boy shorts. Slowly, he began tugging them down.

His leisurely pace was the sort of thing that could make you combust. Cope’s knuckles grazed my hips and ran down my thighs, but his gaze never left mine. Finally, my sweats dropped to the floor, and Cope gripped one leg gently. “Lift,” he ordered.

What was it about those rough commands? My body instantly obeyed, my right foot lifting.

Cope slid the fabric off my leg. “Again,” he ordered .

My left foot was up before he could finish the word.

Cope tossed my sweats and underwear to the side and then leaned back on his heels. He took me in like he was studying some work of art in a museum. Something about the look in his eyes made me feel powerful beyond measure.

“Could stare at you forever,” he whispered, but there was a roughness to Cope’s barely audible tone. Much like the man himself.

My heart hammered against my ribs as it tried to break free. I did everything I could to keep it in place.

“You in this with me?” Cope asked. “Wherever the road takes us?”

“Cope,” I croaked.

“Still not there. Let’s see if I can change that.” He pushed to his knees, his hand skimming from my calf to my thigh. “Like golden silk.”

I shuddered from his words and his touch, determined not to break. It was then that I realized I’d been determined not to let him in fully. I’d let him into the friendship, and I’d let him into my body, but I hadn’t let myself hope for more. Because it was that more that would leave me in shambles when he left.

Cope’s knuckles grazed the apex of my thighs. “Heaven. Been dreaming of your taste since that night at the bar.”

My face flamed, and my skin heated at the memory. The feeling of Cope moving inside me, of how reckless we’d been. Because Cope made me want to take chances. To truly live again.

Cope’s fingers parted me, and I gasped at the feel of him. He wasn’t even inside me, and I was ready to beg for mercy. My hands pulled harder against the chains. The rattling sound was just more proof of how weak I was for Cope.

“Are you with me?” Cope asked, his voice low and coated in grit.

“Cope,” I begged.

His thumb circled my clit. “Come on, Warrior. Shatter with me. Let go.”

But I knew it was so much more than letting go with my body. Cope had said he wanted everything.

Two fingers slid inside me as Cope kept circling that bundle of nerves with his thumb. I couldn’t hold back the moan that left my lips as I arched into the intrusion.

“Fuck, Warrior. Want to drown in those moans. Want to hear nothing else for the rest of my days.”

And I wanted to give that to him. Even if I knew it was beyond reckless. I wanted us to drown in those moans together. To lose myself in Cope and never come up for air.

He added a third finger and made an arc as he dragged them down my inner walls. I couldn’t hold in my cry and thanked the building gods that the basement was soundproof.

“Not yet, Warrior. Not until you give me everything.”

My inner walls trembled as I battled with myself.

Cope leaned in, his tongue replacing his thumb on my clit. He teased the hood, coaxing that bundle of nerves free. My knees nearly gave out.

“Cope, please,” I begged.

He pulled back a fraction and looked up at me. “All I’m asking is that we try. No half measures. All in. It may not work, but if we’re going to play with fire, let’s not settle for matches. We deserve fireworks and infernos.”

I stared down at him, realizing just how safe I’d played it since Roman. Just how careful I’d been. Some of it had been necessary. But other pieces? They’d been selfish self-protection. Me living a life in fear. How was it fair for me to ask Cope to give me everything when I was still holding so much back?

“Okay,” I whispered. The word was out of my mouth before I could stop it. But once it was free, I found I didn’t want to snatch it back.

Cope’s eyes flashed a brighter blue—the color of hope and pleasure. “Okay?”

“Okay,” I echoed.

Cope didn’t wait. He’d been taking me in a teasing rhythm, but now he took me in a way that would brand me forever. Those fingers inside me twisted and curled. Cope’s lips closed around my clit, and he sucked hard .

I cried out, pulling harder on the chains. That bite of pain drove me higher as the tip of Cope’s tongue teased that most sensitive place. My legs trembled as Cope’s fingers pressed that spot inside me, the one that had little black dots dancing across my vision.

I wasn’t sure if I was even breathing anymore, but I didn’t care. I’d given myself over to Cope. There was trust there. Something I hadn’t given in so long. Trust that gave me back the freedom I hadn’t known I needed.

Pressing myself harder against Cope’s face, I let every sensation wash over me. I took everything he had to give. Those fingers moved faster as Cope flicked his tongue against my clit. I shuddered, black dots filling my vision again.

I reached for them, everything in me pulling taut like a bowstring. Then Cope fired the arrow. His lips closed around that bundle of nerves, and he sucked deep as his tongue pressed down.

I didn’t just break. I shattered.

The pieces rained around us as I finally let down the last walls I’d built all those years ago, the ones that had kept me safe but also kept me alone. Cope rode the wave with me, coaxing it to last longer than I’d ever dreamed possible. Until my legs gave out altogether.

He caught me with his free arm, my hands on the chains steadying me, then held me up as he pulled the last of every feeling from my body.

The world was fuzzy as Cope’s fingers and mouth left me, as he held me up while freeing my hands. He scooped me into his arms. “Thanks for letting me in.”

I looked up at the slightly hazy vision of him. “Thief,” I muttered.

His mouth curved. “Never afraid to play dirty when it comes to you.”