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Mera

MERA

I laid still on the bed, wringing my hands together as we remained in the darkness of the room. Despite the fact that I just had mind blowing sex with Kovas, I didn't have the nerve to look at him.

Yet, I felt his presence and heard his shallow breathing from his side of the bed.

A small part of me wanted to crawl over and tuck my head into the crook of his arm, but he didn't seem like the type to enjoy intimate moments like that.

He wasn't one for intimacy at all .

Did I make a mistake asking him to bite me? I raised one hand to my face, beginning to gnaw off my fingernails one by one. Guilt swirled in my chest, as well as apprehension.

What was I doing?

"Mera."

A chill ran down my spine at his flat tone. "Yes?"

"Are you feeling all right? You seem quiet."

"...I'm fine."

Kovas hummed but did not press further. A small part of me wished that he did. I wanted him to fight for me, to learn more about me, to understand who I was beyond what my body offered him.

But that obviously wasn't going to happen.

Was our connection all in my head?

Perhaps, it wasn't his intention, but I felt used. Like a cheap hunk of flesh that he could easily replace whenever he wanted something new.

I should have listened to my doubts earlier.

Saying fuck my feelings might have been the worst piece of advice I had ever given myself. Instinctively, I covered my chest with my arms and rubbed circles into my skin with my thumbs.

I needed something, anything to reassure me I was overthinking the situation.

"What do we do when we get back to the Fallen Star?" I asked. That was a reasonable thing to say, right?

I felt him shrug more than seeing him do it. "I will report to Alkard. You will no doubt want to see Tessi. She has been looking for you for a long time."

Okay. That wasn't exactly what I had in mind, but maybe he didn't understand what I meant.

"And then what?" I pressed on. "What happens between the two of us?"

The silence stretched out between us.

"I do not know," he finally admitted. "So I cannot answer your question."

"What's up with you right now?" I asked, hearing the edge in my tone but too worked up to do anything about it.

Kovas returned the glance, his eyes narrow. "What do you mean? I'm acting normal. You're the one who is acting strange."

"I wouldn't say I'm acting strange at all. I'm protecting myself and my emotions," I said. "It doesn't feel good to have sex with someone and then get tossed to the side as if I didn't matter. It doesn't help that we're in a dangerous situation that could end with our deaths."

"No one tossed you to the side," Kovas said, his tone still utterly emotionless. "You should go to sleep. No doubt you haven't rested well since your capture."

My shoulders slumped. "You're not very good at this type of thing."

"At what, exactly?"

"Communicating!" I put on a smile I didn't entirely feel. "It's not your strength. After having sex with someone, it's normal to talk with your partner. Not… do whatever you're doing now. It's demoralizing."

"I was not aware of this." He propped up on one elbow, looking down at me. It wasn't only his voice. His face was equally blank.

Nothing showed at all.

"You're sounding robotic again. It's not a good look on you. Don't you want to learn?" I asked, hoping for an affirmative answer.

He and I had shared one of the most intimate moments you could have with another being. It made sense to say yes. "It's not that hard. You just have to put in the work."

"I do not think it is the best use of our time right now."

Not the answer I was looking for.

Reaching over for the nearest pillow, I grabbed it and punched him with it. Kovas reacted with a yelp, then immediately held his arms out to stop the attack.

I continued until he grabbed both of my wrists and wrestled the pillow out of my hands. He tossed it to the ground and held me down against the bed. It didn't hurt me at all, but it landed me in a compromising position, with him looming above me.

His eyes searched mine desperately.

"What is the matter, Mera? Why are you acting like this? I told you my thoughts on the situation. I thought that would be enough for you!"

"No! It's not! I wanted more from you, Kovas. I-I wanted to have an intimate moment with you, but…" I shook my head, feeling as if I was repeating myself over again to no avail. "Forget it. Let go of me! I'll deal with this by myself."

"Mera, I–"

"No, stop it." I wriggled underneath his grasp, giving me enough space to nudge him off of me. Thankfully, he wasn't stubborn and obeyed my silent command. "I'm going to bed like you said I should."

Leaning down, I scooped the fallen pillow from the floor and stood up. "I shouldn't have pressed this issue. Sorry about that."

"Now you're just being silly. Come back here so we can talk about this calmly."

I spun back to him, the pillow clutched to my chest.

"I don't want to have a calm discussion with you, Kovas! I don't want to be formal! I wanted to speak to you like a lover talks to her lover, but I understand that you're not interested in that! And that's fine. I'm going to sleep now."

"Mera…"

He sighed, but at that point, I didn't care.

"Maybe you're right." I took a deep breath, grabbed the spare blanket from the foot of the bed and moved towards the couch.

"Maybe I'm just overtired. Maybe everything will be better in the morning."

I didn't hear any movement, but I knew he was behind me, every cell of my body suddenly aware of his presence.

"As you wish."

His voice was so soft I had to strain to make out the words. "But I will sleep here, and you will rest in bed."

Without another word, he plucked the blanket and pillow from my arms, arranging them and then laid down on the couch.

"This doesn't make any sense," I sighed, staring at his legs as they dangled off the edge. "You don't even fit."

"I have slept in far less comfortable places." He turned his head slightly away from me, and my chest hurt.

"But…"

"Good night, Mera."

I went back to bed, feeling like an idiot, feeling like I'd given up the right to argue with him.

I'd probably ruined things between us forever.

But I couldn't help myself.

I felt as if I had opened my very soul to this man.

He'd branded himself into my body.

It wasn't unreasonable that I'd want to know what we really were to each other, what the future would bring to us.

Maybe this was the answer after all.

Maybe I got ahead of myself.

Soon enough, I breathed through my mouth just so he wouldn't be able to hear the sniffles coming from my nose. Tears coursed down the side of my face, and I didn't bother wiping them away. For what? No one was going to see me.

Maybe I'd gotten ahead of myself by thinking I could form an emotional connection with a Vinduthi.

That was where I went wrong.

Maybe it was just cultural differences, or he had something else on his mind. As I lay there, staring at the couch cushions and feeling the saltiness of my tears seep over my lips, I focused on not placing the blame on Kovas.

He wouldn't know any better than to go to bed, he had just said so himself. He wasn't good with emotion. I had to accept that, no matter how difficult it was. I chose this for myself. I made him bite me. I got us into this situation in the first place.

The only person I needed to direct my anger toward was myself.

Still, would it have killed him to have shown me a little more love, kindness, and compassion? I thought I deserved that, especially given everything we lived through together.

Just as I raised my hand to wipe away the tears beginning to stain the couch, I heard movement from behind me. The bed shifted, and I paused, holding my breath in anticipation.

"Mera, please. I don't know what you want me to do."

My throat closed.

I didn't know either.

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