Chapter 19

nineteen

RUSS

I stay away, and I stay away, and it slowly eats at me.

When the urge to find her grows too strong, I go on a long, punishing run, or head to the gym. I haven’t been working out much at all since I found Dee, and my body has grown weaker in the meantime. I push myself hard for an hour, then two, until I’m panting so heavily my tongue is dripping saliva everywhere. I put more weight on the deadlift than I should, only to realize I’m thirty-seven in three days and I shouldn’t be testing out my limits.

And still, when I get into the shower, it feels like none of the pain or rage or pure, physical need has gone away. I’ve taken some of the edge off, but it still lurks there just underneath the surface like a sea monster. Standing under the hot water I grab my stiff cock in one hand and brace myself against the tile.

It’s easy to close my eyes and picture Dee in my arms, her mouth in a perfect circle, her breasts jiggling with every one of my thrusts. Her body was flawless, her belly gently swelled with me, and I groan as my orgasm grows nearly unbearable. Then it bursts, and I gasp as my cock spurts out one long trail of come after another.

Fuck. My balls don’t feel any better afterwards, and it barely satisfied the animal inside me.

She needs time, that’s all. I just have to hope that once the shock has worn off from finding out Bill and I are the same, she’ll forgive me.

I need to have her and our cub in my life, or I might just lose my mind.

But days pass, and nothing.

I resist the most powerful urge to call her, to message her, to do anything that might put us in contact again. I just want to see her, or hear her voice. I want to know that our cub is doing well.

Anything.

I think about sending her flowers, or even a simple note to let her know I’m thinking about her. I may be an idiot, but I know none of that will help. It will only drive her farther away if I try to bridge the gap between us.

I’ve always been dedicated to my work, but it gets harder and harder to focus. I ask to cash in some of my vacation days because I’m concerned about not giving my patients my full, undivided attention.

“I’ve noticed for a while now that your mood is off,” says the head doctor, a keen vampire with hair graying along her hairline. “Get some rest, Dr. Cohen. I want you all fixed up when you return from your week off.”

I do my best to follow her orders. For the first few days of my “vacation,” I try to go to bed early and sleep in, but it never fails that as soon as the light peers in my window, I’m wide awake and all of my instincts are telling me to find her. Protect her.

Damn it. Is it really just mating hormones driving me towards her?

No. I know Dee now, and that’s how I also know that I love her.

I try to distract myself by seeing friends, but if I’m honest, I’m kind of a drag.

“Wish I could help more,” Caleb says, rubbing the side of his big head. He’s short for a cyclops, but tall compared to the rest of us, and he’s built like two trucks side-by-side. “But we don’t mate. Not like... you guys do.” He gives me a look of pity, and I hate it. “What are you supposed to do when your damn body picks someone who won’t pick you?”

I don’t say it aloud, but I know the answer. Probably die alone and miserable, always feeling like I’m missing a part of myself.

It’s times like these I wish my dad was still alive, so I could ask him what I should do. I don’t even know if I can tell my mother what I did at DreamTogether, much less that I’ve bonded with the human carrying my cub. She always wanted me to have a family, and I think this turn of events might break her heart.

“What are you going to do?” Caleb says after a while. “Anything?”

My shoulders sag helplessly. “What can I do? She made it clear where we stand.” I wrap my hand around the cold beer and sink into the chill of it.

“Well, if it’s meant to be, then she’ll find her way back to you,” he says. I just nod along, saying platitudes to end the conversation, hoping that he’s right but knowing the chance is zero to none.

Just then, my phone buzzes.

It’s Dee. I hurry to open the message so quickly that I almost drop my phone.

Hey. So, there’s an important appointment coming up. Twenty weeks. They’re going to do an ultrasound, and should be able to tell us the sex.

I read the message once, then again, and then a third time just to make sure I understood it.

She’s inviting me to her ultrasound. She’s reaching out to me, offering to include me.

I fall over myself to respond right away.

I would love to come. Date and time, and I’ll be there.

I sound over-eager and needy, but I don’t care. I’ll do anything just to be near her, and this... this would be significant.

This is important to our cub’s growth.

It’s Friday at one at the DreamTogether office.

She sounds very curt, but I don’t mind. I’ll take anything.

“Is that her?” Caleb asks as I assure her that I’ll be there and put away my phone.

I nod. “It’s something, at least. She’s going to let me come to the checkup appointment.”

Caleb slaps me on the back. “Here’s your opportunity, then,” he says. “Show her you can be better than what brought you here. ”

I don’t know if that’ll be enough, but I’ll sure as fuck try.

When I get home, I run to my calendar, write down the appointment in huge, red letters, and then circle it a few times for good measure.

I get to see her again.

But I also have to remember that I can’t expect more from her than this. She’s allowing me in, and I shouldn’t push for any more or I risk damaging it. I promise myself that on Friday, I’ll be the most polite, completely platonic father I can be.

DEE

My insomnia is even worse these days. I stay up late watching re-runs of old shows, but I don’t go for any late night walks anymore. Now I’m afraid of what might happen if Russ isn’t there. At least my plants are doing well—flourishing, actually, growing bigger leaves and blooms than ever since I started fertilizing them.

But nothing chases away the aching underneath my skin, deep inside me. Now that I know Bill isn’t just some stranger who fucked me better than I’ve ever been fucked in my life, but also a warm, kind doctor who works in a maternity ward and thinks about my emotional needs... it’s even harder not to picture myself with him.

I can’t offer what he wants. I can’t be what he needs me to be, what his instincts are waiting for. I signed up to carry this baby and then give it away. I’m not cut out to care for one, to be someone’s partner, to make a family with him.

This is all just a big mistake .

Still, I decide not to tell DreamTogether about what Russ has done. And when they send the reminder that it’s time for the twenty-week appointment, my thoughts go straight to him.

He would want to know about this. And now that the seal of anonymity is broken, there’s no reason not to include him in the proceedings regarding his child.

His child, I remind myself. That’s why he should know. Especially if something of concern comes up, it would be better to have his say in how we manage it.

I want to send another message and tell him not to get any ideas, that this invitation is not about the two of us, only the well-being of his baby. I’m just not sure that’s true.

The fluorescent lights in the doctor’s office are really hurting my eyes. I’ve become much more sensitive to light lately, and it feels like yet another of those annoying little changes I’ve been experiencing as time goes on. Like right now, I have to pee again already.

I head off to the bathroom. The door’s locked, so I wait and wait until it opens and a huge pregnant woman walks out. I see my future in her as she waddles over to a chair in the waiting room and sits down.

I’m not looking forward to it, but this is what I signed up for.

When I leave the bathroom a few minutes later, I find one very tall wolfman in a nice button-up and khaki pants peering around the room.

Russ. He’s cleaned up impeccably, all of his brown fur shiny and smooth. When his yellow eyes catch mine, they widen, and his long mouth curls into a smile.

“Dee.” He takes two long, quick strides towards me, then abruptly stops a few steps away. I thought surely he was going to walk right up to me and wrap his arms around me.

If he did, would I have objected?

He scratches the back of his head. “It’s good to see you,” he says, staying where he is, and his gaze travels down from my face to my belly. His eyebrows tilt and he gets a shy look on his face, like he already adores a baby he hasn’t even met yet.

“You, too,” I say amiably. He’s clearly trying to exercise respect and restraint, and I appreciate that. I head toward one of the chairs and sit, then pat the one next to me. Russ navigates himself into the chair meant to accommodate human women like me, and holds up his shoulders so he doesn’t spill too far into my seat.

“How is, um, the cub?” he asks, tilting his head. Though his coat is well cared for, looking at him up close, there are bags under his eyes. He seems exhausted.

“Fine, I think. I guess we’ll find out today.” I absently stroke the slight swell of my belly. “It’s going to be a while still, though.”

His eyes follow my hand, and he swallows. “Yeah. Another five months.”

It’s going to be a really long five months. I sigh. “Yeah. And I’m only halfway through.”

The hopefulness falls from his face at the tone of my voice. He looks down at his lap and pins his hands to his thighs, like he’s trying not to do something else with them.

“Thank you for the invitation,” he says at last, offering me a weak smile. “I’m really happy to be included.”

“Well, it’s your kid,” I say, before thinking twice about it .

He cringes, then turns his head away and nods. “Right.”

We wait like that for another five minutes, this time without speaking, until the nurse comes to get us. Then, once we’re in the patient room, I’m instructed to take off my pants and lie down on the table in the stirrups until the doctor comes.

Russ is very considerate about not looking anywhere untoward, though, and turns away as I change, keeping his eyes on either my face or the doctor’s.

I’d had to explain to DreamTogether a version of what happened—that Russ and I met out in the world, and we discovered, through supposed happenstance, that we’d been matched up. As a result, we requested that we both be a part of the process that typically I would have gone through alone.

I give the doctor a Cliff’s notes version, but I’m not sure he believes us.

“Well, all right,” he says, grabbing a bottle of lube. “If there’s as good a time as any for the father to be involved, it’s today.”

While the doctor gets started inserting the ultrasound wand, I sense Russ tensing up. He’s watching very intently, and when I cringe at the cold invasion, the wolfman gets a look on his face like he could murder.

I forgot that Russ is an OB/GYN, too. I wonder if this human doctor isn’t as good at his job, though, and that’s what’s bothering him.

“Because this is technically considered a high-risk pregnancy, we’re going to keep a close eye on this one.” We all turn to the screen as the picture changes. I’ve seen this image before, but it’s Russ’s first time on the patient side, and his eyes are glued to the display as the doctor investigates my uterus. I cringe as he touches a few sensitive places .

“There,” he says, pointing at the screen.

The fuzzy shape is the same as before, sort of like an oversized nut, but it’s grown quite a bit. “Wow,” I say. “It’s a lot bigger.”

Russ has a huge, wide grin on his face.

“Amazing,” he says quietly, leaning forward to get a better look, which means he’s right up against the edge of the table, his soft fur pressed to my bare skin. “We made that.”

Dr. Hodgens glances at me, but Russ misses it.

“We did,” I agree. I can’t help but remember how we did it, too, on that bench in that sterile room. How he licked me all over, then fucked me the best I’ve ever been fucked in my life.

Russ’s nostrils flare, and his head snaps over to look at me.

“Things will progress much more quickly from here,” the doctor says as he continues his scan. “We’ll need to increase your vitamin intake. And your blood work scores were low last time. Are you eating enough?”

Great. Of course I haven’t been eating enough. I’ve been stressed out and unhappy.

“I’m trying, but I think I’m just naturally low,” I hedge. It doesn’t look like Russ believes it, though.

The doctor nods. “Then we’ll move you up to a bigger supplement.”

“There,” Russ suddenly interrupts, peering at the screen. “If it were a male cub, that would be...” He squints. “Nope, I don’t think so.”

“It is most likely a female,” the doctor agrees. “Good eye.”

“Russ does this for a living,” I say. “So I would hope so.”

The hint of a smile pulls at Russ’s mouth, and he gives me an appreciative nod .

The rest of the appointment is uneventful, and neither the doctor, nor Russ, discovers anything wrong.

“It’s always hard to know with monster-human hybrids,” Dr. Hodgens says as he withdraws the wand. “Every pregnancy is different. But I do know most of the warning signs to watch out for now, and I think the two of you are good to go with a healthy baby.” He glances sideways at Russ. “Or, um, cub.”

With that, the doctor cleans off the wand and steps out of the room so I can get dressed. Russ carefully keeps his eyes turned away, but I can tell his mind is somewhere else.

“Are you okay?” I ask as I pull on my jeans.

He glances at me, then realizes I haven’t quite zipped up and hastily looks away. “Y-yeah. I’m fine.” I can tell his claws are extended, though, and his fur on his neck is bunched up. I think about asking more questions, but do I really want to know the answers?

Instead, I finish up, and we exit the office together. In the parking lot, though, Russ hesitates.

“Can I... come to the next one, too?” he asks, hovering before stepping off the curb.

I pause. “In two weeks?” He nods quickly. “Sure. I don’t see why not.”

Relief passes over his face. “Thank you, Dee.” He bites his lower lip. “Really. For letting me be involved.”

“Like I said,” I say, unlocking the car, “it’s your kid.”

All the hope drains out of Russ’s face. “Right. Well, see you in two weeks.” He heads off into the parking lot without another word.