Chapter 18

eighteen

RUSS

I don’t go back to Dee’s house the next day. It takes all of my willpower not to drive my familiar route to her neighborhood, to make sure that she and the cub are all right after last night. I wasn’t gentle with her, when maybe I should have been.

But she won’t want to see me. And as soon as Boomer barks, she’ll know I’m there, violating her space.

Damn it. How did I fuck this up so badly?

Instead of going to Dee’s house, I get in my car and head north. I drive an hour, then two, until I reach the Sandy Hill Wilderness Area. It’s all wild terrain out here, not managed by any of the parks departments.

And it’s one of the only legal places I can go hunting. I have far too much pent-up hurt inside me, an ocean of self-pity, and this is the only way I can get it out without tracking down my woman and fucking her again wherever I find her.

I pull over to the side of the road when I can’t take it any longer. After having Dee last night, she’s the only thing in my thoughts. I can feel her soft body in my arms, her sweet pussy clenching around me, her hands woven through my fur.

I let out an unbridled roar of fury when I remember how she told me in no uncertain terms that I was not welcome in her life any longer, that our connection doesn’t mean to her what it does to me.

Will I spend the rest of my years longing for her, wishing for her, and I won’t get to have her? Raising our cub without her...

I hastily take off my shirt and my jeans, my hands trembling, then fold them up and leave them in my car with the key on top. If someone wants to steal it, fine. I don’t care anymore.

With a final deep breath, I fall down to four legs and lope away into the woods.

The scent of pine fills up my nose as I dive into the trees. The brush is thick here, overgrown, and the fallen needles crinkle under my feet. I run and run, sniffing the air, checking out trees where animals might have been. I pick up the scent of some rabbits, but that’s not what I’m after.

I need something big, something dangerous, something that will make me battle for my victory. If I can’t drown myself in Dee, I’ll drown myself in blood.

Then, I stumble upon it: the musk of a deer, a whole herd of them. My mouth waters, and the hair on my back bristles as I search for the direction it’s coming from. I lope onward, catching the scent again on a tree trunk, where some bark has been torn away.

It doesn’t take me long to trace their scent back to them. In a small clearing stand three does and one stag, followed by two fawns, as they munch on grasses. I crouch and lick my lips, my claws extending even further .

If I can’t have my woman, if I can’t have my growing cub near me, then I will destroy.

I leap out of the trees in a single burst, landing on the stag’s back. I want a fight. I want prey that will make me work for it.

The other deer scatter, but as the stag tries to get away, I bury my claws in its back. We’re evenly matched for size, but he has big antlers and sharp hooves, which he uses as he tries to buck me off and kick me. I get a hoof to the thigh and I let out a howl of pain, but don’t let go.

Lifting my head high, I open my jaws wide, then bury my teeth in the stag’s throat. With a scream that sounds almost human, the animal fights harder, and I use all the force in my body to clamp down tight. But I’m making a rookie mistake by trying to bite from the back of the neck and not the vulnerable underside. There’s too much dense muscle here.

Releasing my hold on the stag, it manages to throw me. But I still have one claw lodged in it, and I manage to bring it down to the ground with me. While it struggles to get back to its feet, I’m on it in a millisecond, diving for the exposed throat.

This time, I squeeze down hard, and the stag wails. As my teeth sink in deep, blood fills my mouth. I groan at the taste, at the warmth of it trickling down my tongue. I hold on like that until the stag stops moving underneath me.

When I draw back, a trail of blood follows me, and I lick it off my teeth. Then I bury my face in the hot flesh, blood still pumping through the stag’s veins. As I tear and rip, separating flesh from bone, I must be covered in the stuff.

I don’t know how long I lose myself in my prey like that, in a mindless, instinctual haze. By the time I feel so full I could be sick, the sun has started to set. I leave the carcass there and lazily walk through the woods, back to my car.

I don’t even bother putting my clothes back on. I’m probably tracking blood all over my leather seats, but I don’t give a shit.

I put the car in reverse and back into the road, then turn the wheel and roar off the way I came.

DEE

Robbie’s car is already parked out front when I get to the Greek restaurant. I’m dreading this conversation, and I don’t even know what I’m going to tell him yet.

Sorry, man, but my baby’s daddy walked back into my life and said I’m his forever mate. Oh, did I mention he’s a wolfman, and then we fucked in the park in the middle of the night?

When I walk in, Robbie’s sitting in the far back of the restaurant at a little corner table. He hasn’t ordered a drink, which is unusual for him. He waves when I walk up, and gets out of his chair to kiss me.

Fuck. What do I do? If I don’t kiss him back, he’ll know I’m about to dump him.

I turn it into as light of a peck as I can before slipping into my seat. Robbie replaces his napkin on his lap.

“No glass of wine?” I ask. “Or a beer?”

Robbie smiles. “You can’t, so I realized I haven’t been very considerate of you. I decided I’m going to quit drinking, too, until you have the baby.”

Oh, jeez. It’s thoughtful and sweet, and also a gesture he could have made months ago .

“Wow. Thanks. You don’t have to do that, though. It doesn’t bother me.”

He shakes his head. “Solidarity. You’ve also been getting such a nice butt lately from walking Boomer all the time, I think I’m going to take up jogging.”

I sure hope he keeps all these New Years resolutions after I’ve told him it’s over.

“Robbie.” I have to do it now, before we’re an appetizer and two meals deep. I’ll foot the bill if I have to from guilt, but I would rather not continue this conversation longer than we have to. “That’s all very sweet of you, but it’s not necessary. I mean, you should definitely jog if you want to.”

He smiles, and it pierces my gut.

“I just feel like we haven’t been seeing each other as much lately, and I wondered if it’s because you feel like you’re alone in so many things.”

Damn it. He’s not about to finally have the emotional depth I’ve been hoping he would have all along, is he?

“Robbie...” I begin again.

“No, no. I know you’ve been going through a lot with the aches and pains and the insomnia,” he says. “And I feel like I could be a much more supportive boyfriend.”

Fuck.

“Robbie!” I interrupt him more firmly this time. The waiter stops next to our table, and Robbie’s about to order when I wave him away. “Two more minutes,” I say. “I haven’t even gotten to look at the menu yet.” When the waiter’s gone, Robbie has a wide-eyed look on his face. “I’m sorry. Before you continue, I need to talk to you about something.”

His face slackens. “Shit.”

Neither of us has to say it for him to know that I’m about to break up with him. It must be obvious on my face.

“I’m sorry,” I say. “But something came up, and?— ”

“What kind of ‘something’?” he asks, and I can already hear his voice cracking. I can’t look into his huge, green-brown eyes right now.

“I haven’t told you everything.” I weave my hands together in front of me and stare down at them instead. “I’m not just carrying a regular human baby. I’m carrying, um... a wolfman’s baby.”

I don’t have to look up to imagine his expression.

“And, um,” I barrel onwards, figuring I might as well just rip off the band-aid, “I slept with him. The father. Last night.”

Finally, I chance a look up, and Robbie is... not shocked. If anything, he’s hurt.

And then, angry.

“You lied to me?” he asks, his cheeks already turning pink. “About the baby?”

“I’m sorry.” I squeeze my hands into fists, finding it hard to keep looking at him. “I didn’t want you to?—”

“To judge you? But you didn’t give me the chance, did you? And then you...” He trails off, his face reddening even more as his lips twist. “Then you fucked him ?”

He says this loud enough that I duck my head and wave at him. “Keep it down,” I hiss.

“No.” He takes his napkin off his lap and drops it on the table, and his eyes are narrowed in a death glare. “You brought me here to tell me you’ve been lying to me for months, and then you cheated on me, too?” He gets up, tossing his menu. Other people around the restaurant look up from their meals as Robbie makes a scene. “Good thing I didn’t order a drink,” he says, and there’s a look of disgust on his face I’ve never seen before. I didn’t even know Robbie had it in him.

With that, he strides past me, out of the restaurant. I’m shocked to find my eyes aching at the corners where tears threaten to fall.

I knew this would go badly, but I didn’t predict just how badly. Robbie’s been there for me, and I repaid him in the worst way possible.

Man, I was such a shithead.

I drop my head into my hands and cry. The waiter avoids me and the other patrons stare at me as I let it all out, right there at the table. Eventually, I place an order for a gyro to go, and drag myself home feeling like the scum of the earth.

Robbie will never forgive me, I’m sure of it. I’d hoped we might stay friends, but I don’t know where I got that hallucination from. Of course he would want nothing to do with me after I betrayed him.

I didn’t expect it would hurt so much to say goodbye, and I wish I’d done all of this differently.

Damn it, Russ . Why did he have to be so damn hot? Why did his body have to decide that I was his? Why did mine have to fuck me over by wanting him in return?

If I had just thought for five seconds, maybe.

This could have all been so much less complicated. I was supposed to have this baby, give it back, and then move on with my life. That was the plan; that was the deal. I sure didn’t sign up to be a wolfman’s mate and raise that baby with him.

But my stomach twists just thinking about not seeing him again, about handing this child over to him and walking away.

I know that after this, Robbie will be angry. He’ll cuss me out at home, and drink too much with his friends. But he’ll move on, and find another girlfriend, and probably discover his own happiness someday.

Now, however, I have no idea how I could possibly move on from Russ.