26. As Real as it Gets

As Real as it Gets

M ara

I have that feeling I get sometimes, where I recognize that everything in our life is perfectly balanced, Zale not working such long hours, Olivia in a calm period, Bex and Willa safe and sound, Zale and I getting along, my book revealing itself at last, it’s a good feeling, a feeling I don’t want to miss because, I feel it, the fall, the plunge, it’s coming, it’s always coming. Like a rollercoaster car poised at the pinnacle of the climb, at rest for that moment in time, but the drop is inevitable.

I don’t know when, but it’s bearing down on me. I’m desperate to enjoy the now, to not waste these precious days, I want us to squeeze all we can out of them, tuck away the memory to tide us over when the dark comes, because it always comes.

No one understands how precious few days we actually have like this, where everyone is healthy, where we’re happy, where life is running smoothly.

I can feel its impermanence. I fear the fall. Will it be because of me? Will someone get sick? Will someone get hurt?

We have had a blessed few days,

I don’t want to miss them.

When Bex arrived at twelve-thirty to pick Olivia up for the shelter, Olivia stood ready at the door. She rarely fussed anymore about going to the shelter. She had gotten to know the rest of the staff and conversed with them regularly. She helped name the new intakes, made the signs for the enclosures, played with the kittens, and she had recently started spending part of her time each week helping the volunteer that worked with the pocket pets, which she loved.

I scheduled my appointment with Erin for two o’clock, which gave me the time buffer I needed in case it took longer to get Olivia out the door and allowed me time to drive there unhurried. I had extra time that day because Olivia skipped out the door so fast, which is probably why I answered the phone when my mother called.

“Hi, mom. ”

“Hello, Mara.”

“How are you?”

“Fine. I guess. I haven’t seen you and Olivia since last week.”

“We saw you Monday,” I reminded her, and it had been a good visit. She criticized and complained but at least it wasn’t about me or mine. In fact, she complimented my makeup, my outfit, my parenting, she even made the coffee.

“Mom,” I began gently. “Olivia is getting older, she requires different things now than she did a few years ago, our weeks are getting busier. We can’t always visit two or three times a week anymore, unfortunately.”

“Oh, I see, so Gran-Gran gets the boot?”

“Mom, if she went to school full time, you’d rarely see her two or three times a week like you have been. Think of it that way. She has to do other things too, not just visit Grandma.”

“What’s she doing today? Why can’t you bring her today?”

I was happy I had an answer for this. “She’s at the shelter with Rebecca and Willa, volunteering. She goes every Thursday now. She really likes it!”

“Great!” I felt a momentary ping of unexpected happiness that she shared in my excitement about Olivia’s progress. “That means we can have mother-daughter days on Thursdays! ”

“That’s a good idea, Mom, but I generally get caught up on my work, make appointments for Thursdays for myself, this whole thing started because Rebecca wanted to give me one afternoon per week to myself to relax.”

“I thought you just said it was to catch up and go to appointments?”

“For that, too.”

Silence stretched across the line. “Do you have an appointment today?”

“Yes. I have to leave in fifteen minutes, but I can talk to you until I go.”

“Well, I guess I’ll take it. I spoke to my ladies; the first craft fair of the season is this Saturday. I thought you could drive us. It’s in the city and you know how I hate to drive there.”

The burn hit my stomach, a combination of trepidation because I needed to tell her ‘no,’ mixed with anger over her complaints and self-focus. Over all of it was relief that I had an excuse.

“Rebecca’s wedding is this Saturday, but as you know, I don’t like driving into the city either.”

“I suppose your sister is going to the wedding? Does she have a date?”

“Yes, she’s going.”

“Where’s it going to be? ”

“It’s going to be at Rhys and Rebecca’s place. The guest list is tiny, smaller than her first wedding even.”

“So, she’s not breaking patterns in that way, just in her choice of groom. Do you think she’s just desperate because she’s getting older? Some women can’t handle life without a man. Some women are very needy.”

There was a buzzing in my ears and my throat itched from the curse words I was choking on. “I think she’s incredibly blessed to find love, especially love like she has found, twice in one lifetime.”

She sniffed. “He’s very crass, Mara. Not like Zale, or Jack. Now, he was a looker!”

“Have you ever even spoken to Rhys?”

She sniffed. “I have the wisdom of my years, Mara. And, yes, I did speak to him. He lacked respect for me.”

“How?” I challenged.

“It doesn’t matter. I don’t hold grudges or gossip.”

I withheld my snort, barely.

“So, she’s having it at home, and Willa is going?”

“Yes, they are good friends.”

“I’ll take Olivia for the night.”

“Olivia is coming with us.”

There was a shorter stretch of silence this time .

She snickered. “Really, Mara. You’re going to take that child to a wedding?” She emphasized ‘that’ as if Olivia couldn’t cope and I should know better.

“Well, yes. Bex is making it fun for the three kids, and Olivia has her own space at Rhys and Rebecca’s place so she can retreat whenever she needs to.”

“She has her own space there.”

Her voice fell flat. Bea, too, had made a space for Olivia at her house, then one day she decided to clean it out and disposed of the toys that she felt were too young for Olivia. Olivia didn’t want to leave anything there after that.

“Yes. They have a guest bedroom and Bex made it up in a way that it would appeal to Olivia. Olivia’s comfortable there, we spend a lot of time with Bex and Rhys, so she’ll be fine. Besides, there’ll be floating lanterns, smores, and a heated tent with a mobile petting zoo for a couple of hours in the afternoon.”

“A petting zoo? What kind of family has a wedding like this? Are they hillbillies? Your wedding, your wedding was beautiful Mara. Everybody talked about it.”

I felt a tightness across my forehead and a dull ache beginning at my temples. This conversation never led anywhere good for me.

“We should have had it in the summer though. Spring would have been perfect, Rebecca has that right at least. In the Spring you could have worn long sleeves to cover your arms and you wouldn’t have had to wear that fluffy cape. I hated that horrible thing. It added at least forty pounds to your frame.”

I loved that cape. It was thick and fluffy, and Zale spread it over our bed and lay me down on it the first time we made love as husband and wife. It was difficult to hang onto that memory when she constantly talked about how fat I looked in it. Zale had called me a snow queen. I thought about that instead of answering her.

She waited expectantly. This usually never failed to get a reaction, but since I’d accepted that she had narcissistic tendencies, I had started to recognize her behaviors earlier, behaviors that only served to convince me further of her toxicity. Before I’d been too busy reacting or defending to catch what she was doing. I still had to resist that automatic response, but I saw more clearly, and I was gathering evidence, evidence that might one day allow me to break free. I let the silence drag on.

I looked at the time. I needed to leave.

“I’m going to have to let you go, mom, I have to leave for my appointment now.”

“So, for sure you can’t drive us on Saturday.”

“Hire a taxi, Mom. It’s not a big deal.”

“That’s rude, Mara,” she reprimanded me sharply.

“I have to go, Mom. I’ll talk to you another time. Have a good day. ”

“I didn’t raise you like this, Mara. When a family member needs something, you step up,” she snapped.

I laughed, I actually laughed out loud. “A craft fair is not a need. However, I need to leave now, or I'll be late. I’d rather not have to hang up on you so please say good-bye, Mom.”

“Fine!” She ended the call herself.

I shrugged my shoulders. Things were becoming clearer by the day. Her demands were so ridiculous today that even I couldn’t muster up any guilt.

With Erin, I went over the phone call with my mom. I asked her what Radical Acceptance would sound like in this situation.

She leaned toward me. “First of all, I’m sorry that you don’t have the mother you need or deserve.”

I was taken aback. Something about her words struck something deep inside of me. I’d turn it over in my head later to figure it out, but she wasn’t done yet.

“As far as Radical Acceptance goes, it’s really quite simple. It’s what we’ve been saying all along about her. You will never have the mother you want or deserve. The only change that will happen will be what you allow into your life. She has an alternate reality. You’ll never be good enough. That’s your Radical Acceptance, that’s the reality of your situation. So, all that energy you expend trying to please her? Spend it on you, do what you need. Spend your energy where it will produce fruit.”

“But how do I get her to stop? I don’t want to put up with her treatment of me anymore.”

“Have you ever been able to control her?”

I laughed. “Uh, no.”

“You can only control you.”

“Then how do I stop me being treated that way?” I knew we were having a disconnect, but I couldn’t quite see the solution in front of my face.

“We’ve circled back to the need for boundaries.”

“I have boundaries with her, I think.”

“Tell me about your boundaries.”

“Okay, for example, if she tells Olivia she wants a kiss and Olivia says no, and she gives her a hard time, I say Olivia doesn’t have to kiss anyone. I step in to protect Olivia’s rights. If she criticizes my sister or my friends, I warn her that I’ll have to go if she continues.”

“Does this stop the behavior?”

“In that moment, it does.”

“So, the main thing about boundaries is that they require consequences, and they shouldn’t be violated repeatedly. I’ll give you an example using one of your boundaries. Your mom pressures Olivia to give her a kiss, you say I told you that’s not acceptable, the next time it happens, Olivia and I will leave. And then when it happens, and I believe with your mom it will, that is precisely what you do.”

“Huh.”

“Spend some time thinking about what your boundaries are, those that would be important enough to have actual consequences and we’ll talk about that some more.”

“If that’s the definition, I don’t know if I’ve ever had boundaries.”

“I suspect you haven’t been allowed to.”

“This is probably true. It’s difficult to say no when you have a poor sense of self, and I guess, it’s hard to have a sense of self when you’re not allowed to say no.”

“You have good insight. Have you had any revelations there?”

“Some. I feel the loss, like mourning almost, of not knowing who I am apart from everybody else. I feel like I’ve been robbed. As far as learning a bit about who I am, my sister and my best friend have been meeting with me, going over what I’m learning. They had some nice things to say about how they see me.”

“Like what?”

“This is kind of embarrassing.”

She winked. “It’s okay, I promise I won’t think you’re bragging. ”

I snorted out a laugh. “Right. Well, my sister said I am love, and that I’ve been love to her. They think I’m empathetic. They also said I’m loyal and that I push through obstacles to love and advocate for my family, that I never give up, and that I’m protective.”

She nodded along, a little smile on her face. “May I add funny, compassionate, and hard-working? Because I’ve seen those traits in you as well. And if I may hazard a guess, you’re probably pretty patient.”

“I guess I’m a bit of all right, hmm? Despite the occasional projectile if he happens to glance at another woman, Zale is a lucky man.” I poked fun at myself, and she laughed with me.

“And there’s the funny!”

My phone dinged with a text notification. “I’m sorry, Erin, I have to check, just in case it’s about Olivia.”

I read the text from my mother, then turned my phone to allow Erin to read it. It read:

I’m glad you were able to talk to me today about being busy and feeling overwhelmed. I hope you were able to get some of your worries off your chest. I’m always here for you, and I’m here to help anytime.

Erin leaned back with a pointed look at me .

I nodded. “And there’s that alternate reality you spoke about. I always question my own perception, wondering how I completely misinterpreted the conversation, wondering if I’m losing it.”

“You're not losing it. This is called gaslighting. You can expect more of that as you resist her. She’ll want to reframe the experience into something more acceptable to her world view, and her view of herself. Hence the need to surround yourself with truth-tellers.”

The rest of the appointment was just as productive. Once at home, I still had an hour and a half before Olivia was due home with Bex and Willa. Girls' night was at Bex’s house that night. There were a few loose ends to tie up before the wedding, which was only two days away. Bex was driving us to their house, and Rhys offered to drive us back home.

I made dinner for Zale and Olivia and plated it for them to warm up when they were ready to eat. I made enough for Rhys and the twins, and packed that too, then packed up the fixings for the charcuterie tray I’d planned to bring for our girls’ night. Finally, I packed some of the giant sugar cookies Olivia and I made the day before for Rhys, Rebecca, Amelie, and Cole.

Zale walked in the door about ten minutes before the girls and Olivia. His normally olive complexion was pale, and he had bags under his eyes.

“Hey, gorgeous. ”

“Hi, baby. You look exhausted.” I brushed his hair back from his forehead.

“I am. Work is shit right now.”

“I’m sorry, baby. Is it going to be over soon?”

“Yeah, announcements will be made on Monday.”

“That’s good, right?”

He nodded. “My job is safe; I just don’t know what I’m going to be dealing with come Monday morning. We’ve been working short-staffed for so long. People are overstretched, reaching the end of their tolerance.”

He pulled off his tie and draped it over the kitchen chair before dropping onto it.

“Want me to stay home tonight?”

I stepped in front of him, and he leaned forward, resting his forehead against my breasts. I stroked my hands through his dark hair.

He wrapped his arms around my hips. “You going out for girls’ night?”

“Just to Rebecca’s. Rhys will drive Willa and me home. But I can stay if you’re too tired, or I can drive myself and come back early, right after I help Bex with whatever last-minute stuff she has going on? ”

He released my hips, pushing me back so he could stand up. “You go, baby. It’s good for you. You had therapy today, right?”

“Yes.” I pulled out my chair and sat down to chat with him.

“How’d that go?” He pulled a beer from the fridge and sat back at the table unbuttoning his dress shirt, his long legs stretched out and crossed at the ankle. He always looked so good to me. I ignored my libido and concentrated on the conversation.

“Pretty good. We talked about boundaries, and setting them with my mom, and having there be consequences to her overstepping the boundaries.”

“Playing with fire now, baby.” He smirked at the ridiculousness of the situation.

“I know.”

“Give me an example of a boundary and a consequence.”

“Okay. Say she’s criticizing Rhys…”

“She does that?”

“Oh, yeah.”

He shook his head. “She’s something else, man.”

“I know. So, say she’s criticizing Rhys, or Willa, or whoever, I might say, I won’t talk to you if you’re going to be critical of the people who are close to me. Then, if she does it, I either leave or get off the phone. ”

“As fair and just as that sounds, she’s going to go ballistic.”

“I know. But maybe her reign of terror should end.”

“Her reign of terror, hmm? Seems a bit dramatic.” He paused, then grimaced, as he replied, “You’re not wrong, unfortunately.”

“It’s crazy, right?”

“She is.” He thumped his beer down on the table. “I smell good smells. Does that mean Olivia and I have dinner, or should I order in for us?”

“It’s all ready for you. I cooked enough for Rhys and the twins as well, and I made a special meal for Willa, Bex, and I. Olivia and I made cookies yesterday too, so you guys have dessert, and I’m bringing some to Rhys and the kids.”

“You’re too good, do you know that?” He stood and stepped into my space, bending his neck to look down at me, his chocolate eyes soft and melty on my face. “I don’t want you making yourself tired. You have a lot going on, making lots of changes. Just conserve some energy, okay?”

“Okay.”

I felt warm from his words and his concern. I tilted my head back, smiling into his handsome face as he leaned over me.

I got the eye crinkle. “Good.” Then he dipped down further, gave me his hard, quick kiss, and went to get changed .

I watched him walk away. I hated to watch him walk away. My heart hurt with how much I needed to be close to him.

Ten minutes later, Olivia, who had grown accustomed to me going out and was happy to be with her dad, let me go easily, and we were on our way to Bex’s house.

After being bowled over by the twins and putting dinner out for Rhys and the kids, we escaped to Rebecca’s workroom. Turned out there were only the floating lanterns left to assemble so we set to work finishing those up before we dove into our snack-meal.

“This is the mother of all snacknics.”

“You like it Bex?” We were sitting around the table in her workroom. The lanterns were ready, and we were demolishing the charcuterie board laid out between us.

“Delicious. I’m adopting this for Rhys and me. He’ll love this.”

“It’s really good, Mara. I’m going to do this with Junie and Minty one afternoon at work to surprise them.” Willa’s best friend, Junie, was also her business partner, and their dear friend Minty ran the administrative side for them. “What else needs doing, Bex?”

Caterers were handling the wedding meal. Bex hired a cleaning service for the day before the wedding. The heated tent would be set up on Friday, the decorator would also be coming on Friday to set up the tables and store the table decor, then she’d be back on Saturday morning, with the flowers, to finish the set up. The animals were set to arrive Saturday afternoon after the wedding meal. They only needed thirty minutes to set up.

Rebecca pulled out six of her midnight blue and silver signature gift boxes that she used for her jewelry.

“You guys gave me great ideas for gifts, and Rhys and I got amazing things for all the guys, but I’ve been working on gifts for you two, Olivia, Amelie, and Rhys’s mom, Jeanie.” She indicated the boxes, “See if you can figure out which is yours.”

Willa snapped all the boxes open, and we studied the contents. There were three bracelets, all with different link patterns, and each had a closure with a tiny charm. Olivia and Amelie’s gifts were easy to identify because they were single charms for the bracelets they already wore. Bex had made a tiny, puffed heart embedded inside another heart that appeared to curl around it protectively.

I felt tears spring to my eyes. I touched it reverently. “Amelie.”

“Yes.” Rebecca sniffed. I laughed, feeling the joy bubbling up inside me.

The other single charm was obviously for Olivia, but I would have known it was hers by the fact that it was a tiny mermaid holding a heart in her tiny hands.

“This is beautiful, and she will love it.”

Willa picked up a box and her big blue eyes lifted to meet Rebecca’s in question. At Rebecca’s nod she teared up and immediately clasped the bracelet around her wrist. She showed it to me, the links were tiny triangles interwoven together and the charm, also in the shape of a triangle, made up of three fists each holding the other’s wrist. The three of us, holding together.

“That’s beautiful, Rebecca,” I breathed, happy that Willa had this concrete proof of her place in our trio.

There were two left on the table. One, a tiny anatomical heart, the other, a tiny house with an open door.

“I don’t know which one is mine,” I whispered, stricken, because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings and because I thought I should know.

Willa touched the anatomical heart. “This is you.” She turned to Rebecca. “Am I right, Bex?”

“Yup!” Bex laughed and handed it to me. “Because your love, Merry, is as real as it gets.”

Willa laughed with delight. “I knew it!”

“It’s beautiful!” I burst into tears, and they laughed. It was okay, they were used to my big feelings by now.

“Happy or sad, Merry?”

“Ha-happy.”

They laughed harder, which made me laugh, and hugged me.

There were more tears and more laughter, but mostly laughing tears. And wine, lots of wine .

Two hours later, Rhys held the door open for Willa and me to precede him out to his truck. I heard him order Rebecca, who was more than a little inebriated, to stay awake, and I felt a bitter longing to be wanted like that, remembering a time when Zale wouldn’t miss an opportunity for drunk sex.

It didn’t seem unreasonable to me. I still felt that way about him. I shook it off and Rhys sauntered over to open the passenger side doors. Willa jumped into the back, the high truck bed no match for her long legs.

I reached for the handle to heave myself in.

“Mara, let me help you.” Rhys asked with his gravelly voice.

“Uh…” I wasn’t accustomed to anyone other than Zale touching me.

He held out his hand, grasped my right hand, and placed his hand on my back to give me a gentle boost into the truck.

I felt myself flushing, embarrassed by my weight. I looked to the side to thank him, but he was already closing the door and rounding the front to get in on his side.

“You’re okay, Mara.” Willa’s voice, soft and soothing, reached out to me from the backseat.

“I know,” I replied just as softly. I don’t think she knew what troubled me, but I guessed she could feel my tension .

Rhys dropped Willa off first. She leaned over the seat front, patted Rhys’ shoulder in thanks, bussed me on the cheek, and headed into her condominium building.

“Please wait until she’s inside,” I murmured.

“Of course,” he rumbled.

Willa disappeared behind the double doors, and I pulled my cell out to wait for her text saying she was safe inside her place.

“Is it bad?” Rhys’ voice broke into my thoughts.

“I’m sorry?”

“Is it bad? The worry over your loved ones?”

I laughed ruefully. “Is it obvious?”

He didn’t laugh but answered seriously, “Yes. You remind me a great deal of my wife.”

I snorted. “I kind of doubt that.”

He glanced at me. “No, I know what I’m talking about. Barrett sees her in you, too.”

I remembered the conversation from the bar.

“Is she the one he loves and misses?”

“Yes. She was like an older sister to him. She loved him, too. Worried about him incessantly. He maintains he’s never been loved like that.”

“It’s not all it’s puffed up to be. ”

“I know it comes with other stuff, difficult stuff, big emotions.” He paused, and my mind reeled, how much did he know? I looked at him, fear in my eyes, I’m sure.

He smiled at me, a soft smile. “She was worth it. As are you.”

“Thank you, Rhys,” I pushed, needing to know for sure, “but you don’t know…”

“I do, Mara, I do know.”

“Bex told you,” I whispered, feeling betrayed and feeling stupid for feeling that way.

I confided in Zale, why would I expect Bex to be different with Rhys? Plus, they had children they needed to protect against crazy people like me. I would never be a threat to them, but he wouldn’t know that.

“Actually, I told her,” he replied easily.

“What?” I whispered, startled, my thoughts and emotions whirling.

“I saw it in you. I told Rebecca about my wife, some of her difficulties, and shared my concern that you were suffering.”

Tears sprang to my eyes. He saw me. I existed, I took up space, I was worthy of attention.

He continued. “Barrett saw it, too. Nobody told him.”

“Oh, God. ”

I felt stripped naked, simultaneously devastated at the exposure, and thrilled to be seen.

“He thinks you’re a beautiful soul.”

I’d never noticed before, but Rhys’ voice had the same effect on me as Zale’s, to a lesser degree, but the steadiness was there.

“I just wanted you to know that you have support, and you have fans, in Barrett and myself.”

I lost the fight with the tears, and they rolled down my cheeks. I wiped them away and looked at him quickly, he smiled at my tears, and turned back to the road.

“So much heart. You’re good, Mara. Zale is a lucky man, and you have friends around you who understand. Get that out of this if nothing else, okay?”

“Thank you.”

“No thanks necessary, it’s not hard.”

He pulled into my driveway. “Wait for a second and I’ll hand you down.”

I took off my seatbelt and opened the door, swinging my legs around as he came around and stopped in front of me.

“You and Rebecca,” he laughed ruefully. “I might need to get a shorter vehicle. ”

I laughed. He took hold of my hands and supported me as I jumped down. He released me immediately, and I headed up the walkway to my house.

“Goodnight, Rhys. Thank you for the ride.”

“Goodnight, Mara.”

I stopped and turned to look at him, ducked my head before looking at him again. “Thank you.”

I saw his nod and his easy smile as I whirled and booted it into my house, happy for Bex that she had that kindness in her life.

Zale was waiting for me in bed but turned off the lights as soon as I came in.

“Did you have a good time?”

“Yup!”

“Glad you’re home, baby.”

He conked out before I finished in the bathroom and I wondered, not for the first time, if I shouldn’t have held out for someone who saw me, someone who wanted me enough to pursue me, the way I’d seen both Rhys and Jack had wanted and pursued Bex. I thought, again not for the first time, that Zale should be free and not have to settle for whatever he had with me.

I slipped between the sheets, grateful that the day, while good, was over. A lot happened today, and my body, mind, and spirit felt wrung out like a wet dish cloth. I turned toward my husband who I loved more than life, curled up against his warm back, and silent tears coursed down my cheeks, releasing the mix of emotions that threatened to drown me, and dropping me gently into sleep.