The End of the Beginning （34）

He reached a hand up to her throat. Squeezing gently, he moved his other hand between her legs, then whispered into her ear, "You know you're always gonna end up right back here with me."

As he leaned in to kiss her, feeling her hands begin working his belt loose, he suddenly felt sick to his stomach.

This wasn't what healing looked like for either of them.

If there was even a shred of hope that they could salvage a friendship and both move on with their lives, then there couldn't be any more excuses; this had to come to an end.

"Hey." He broke the kiss and sat up, moving to the edge of her bed. "Amara, we can't do this anymore."

She crawled behind him, running her hands across his shoulders and down his chest. "Then why are we? Why did you come to my room?"

He slid himself over and away from her grip. "I don't know how not to. What I do know? Mar, this is toxic and destroying us. It's definitely destroying me." He ran his fingers through his hair. "I saw you leave the club and I had to follow you. I don't wanna be away from you, but being near you is killing me." He turned around to look at her. "What the fuck am I supposed to do, Amara? I saw you kissing Hayes tonight and…"

She scooted to the edge of the bed, sitting next to him. "Ry? Let's talk about that."

"OK. It enraged me, seeing you all over him like that."

"Why?"

"Because…" He stopped.

"Because you wanted it to be you."

"I always want it to be me with you, Amara."

"No, Ry. You wanted it to be you with him."

He exhaled and shot up off the edge of the bed. "Why…you know, Luke said the same thing the other day. Why does everyone think I've got a thing for him?"

"Because you do, Ry."

"No, I don't. I…don't."

"Ryan?" she asked cautiously.

He paced back and forth.

She continued. "We're friends, right? Yeah, it's a little fucked-up right now, but you can be honest with me. I've known you've had a thing for him for a long time, Ryan."

"I'm not like, in love with him or anything," he said quietly. "I don't know what it is."

"And there's nothing wrong with that. At all."

"Um, there's a fucking lot wrong with that, Mar." He continued pacing. "He's my teammate. I can't…we can't. They won't understand. And I'm not…I mean, I fucking love hooking up with girls, you know that."

"You don't have to stick a label on yourself, Ry. Did you know that Mark's the only guy Nick ever dated? He had a different girl every other week before Mark. And now they're married."

"I'm not marrying Hayes."

She laughed. "I didn't say you were. But what I'm saying is that maybe you should just talk to him."

"And say what?"

"You tell me."

He sat down on the floor in front of her dresser, leaning back against it. "What if he doesn't feel the same way?"

"He does."

"How do you…"

"Trust me, he does. Talk to him. OK?"

Ryan looked at her. "Tomorrow's road trip should be interesting. And what am I supposed to do about you?"

"What about me?"

"Tell me how to get over you. Every time I think I'm fine, we end up fucking, and I'm right back where I started. I wanna move on from you, Amara. My head knows this is never gonna happen, but my stupid heart is clinging to this hope that it might. Help me. Please."

"Ry, I've been irresponsible with you, and I'm sorry. What happened at UBS should have never happened, and tonight shouldn't have happened, either. I'm glad you stopped it."

"It's not because I wanted to, believe me. I had to."

"Either way, it shows a lot of growth on your part."

"Hey," he said, leaning forward toward where she was sitting on the edge of the bed. "I said some wicked shit to you tonight, and I'm sorry."

"I wasn't too nice to you either, so let's call it even. We know how ugly our fights can get. Rizz tried to warn us that first night we met, but we didn't listen. Neither one of us ever listens. To shit."

"The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you, Amara. When I get angry, I say things, horrible things, that I don't mean. I've done it a few times to you now, and I'm really sorry."

"It's OK. I know your heart. None of what you say in those moments ever comes from there."

They sat quietly for a few minutes, with Amara finally speaking. "Ryan, I don't know how to say this, so I'm just gonna say it and hope that maybe it will help you. I'm dating someone. I have been for almost two weeks, and I…really like him."

"I know," he replied calmly. "Hayes told me. And I hope he gets hit by a bus…I mean, I hope he makes you happy." He smiled at her, but she didn't smile back. "Terrible joke. Sorry. Listen," he said, reaching up to where she was sitting and taking her hand. "You deserve happiness. And I hope I can meet him someday, you know, when doing so won't rip my worthless heart out of my actual asshole." He got up from the floor with her help, stretched his arms over his head, and yawned. "I should get some sleep. Bus leaves at 9:00 a.m. That should be a fun ride. Everyone's gonna be tore up."

He headed towards her door, put one hand on the doorframe, then turned around to face her. "Hey, um. So now that you've got yourself a man, you gonna stop bangin' around with Hayes?"

She nodded. "You gonna start?"

He smiled, blushing. "Maybe."

"For what it's worth, I am 100 percent here for Ryler."

"Ryler?" he laughed. "Oh, that's so bad."

"You kidding? It's literally perfect. I tried Bayes, Haylor, and Tylan, but Ryler is where it's at."

"You've thought about this a lot, haven't you?"

"Yes. And Ryan, I'm serious: talk to him. OK? There's no shame in it. And just so you know? If everyone else in the goddamn world turns their back on you, I won't. Ever. We have our shit to wade through like everyone else, but I'm here for you. I just needed you to hear that."

He winked at her and tapped the doorframe twice. "Samesies. Hey: I'm glad we talked. Night, Amara."

"Night, Ryan."

Closing the door and starting down the hall, he heard her yell, "Ryler is happening!"

He smirked, then had a moment of sheer panic, wondering if this next chapter he was about to open would hurt as much as the one he'd just closed.

One way to find out, right?