Some Clarity （22）

"Rough night?"

Ryan nodded, having a seat at the half-full hotel bar, as people were starting to filter out. He looked about as disheveled as humanly possible, with post-sex hair, a white tank top, neon green basketball shorts that literally came to his knees, and black dress shoes with no socks.

"What are you drinkin'?" the bartender asked him.

He patted his shorts and sighed. "Water, I guess. Left my wallet in the room."

"I got you," the bartender told him. "Whatever you want. You look like you need it."

"Uh, thanks. Whiskey on the rocks, please."

"Wow, OK. Wouldn't have pegged Ryan Baylor for a straight whiskey guy." Ryan shot him a puzzled look. "Yeah, I know who you are. Grew up a huge Isles fan. My wife and I take our kids to Bridgeport games all the time. Much cheaper. I'm Chris."

Ryan shook his hand and examined him. He was probably about Amara's age, a decent-looking guy with a few stray grays peppering his dark black hair. He poured himself a shot, handed Ryan the whiskey, and lifted for a toast. "To an NHL call-up sooner than later."

Ryan clinked his glass. "I'll drink to that!" He sipped, realizing he probably should have been drinking water, but deciding at this point, it didn't really matter.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"Talk about what?"

"You look like hell, kid. What happened?"

He took another sip. "You good at keeping secrets?"

"It's literally the most important part of a bartender's job. Hang on." He went to grab a drink order from another customer, as Ryan debated just how much he was willing to divulge. Chris returned. "So, what's going on?"

"You know what? Fuck it. All my personal business is apparently all over the internet already anyway. So here goes: I'm in an open relationship with my much older roommate and we just banged out a threesome with another guy, which I knew I couldn't handle, but agreed to anyway because I wanna make her happy. But the thing is: there's no making this woman happy. Everything I do seems to piss her off or upset her."

Chris stood there for a moment, wide-eyed, before shaking his head. "Yeah, that's some pile of shit, bud. How much older we talking?"

"She's 18 years older than me."

"Wow. That's a hell of a gap. So, she's about my age then. I'm 43."

"She's 41. I'm…hopelessly fucking in love with her, but I can't seem to do anything right."

"Welcome to women. Especially at this age? She's finding herself, bud. The whole ‘midlife crisis' thing that guys go through? Women hit it about this age, start questioning all their life decisions, trying to rediscover themselves, figure out who they are. My wife's going through the same. I mean, we're not in an open relationship though. That just seems like an unnecessary added layer to this shit cake."

"It's…a long story. But she recently got out of a divorce, coupled with the fact that I'm kind of a sex addict, so when she pitched it to me, I figured, ‘Fuck it, why not?' And it's turning out to be an absolute nightmare. Oh, and the guy we just hooked up with? It's her best friend, who also happens to be one of my teammates."

"Ryan Baylor, Ryan Baylor," he said, pouring himself another shot and topping Ryan off. "I hear a lot of things as a bartender. But that? Wow." He threw back the shot as Ryan took another sip. "I don't think I've ever heard anything quite like that."

"Yeah. In about a month of dating, we've somehow managed to completely fuck things up with each other. We were friends. Almost wish we'd just kept it at that."

"It sounds to me like you're trying to make something work that isn't gonna. That gap, man. You guys essentially speak two different languages. There's an entire generation between you. Anyway, you're young, hot, soon to be loaded. Why aren't you just out there having a good time?"

"Because," he said sadly. "I can't even picture my life without her anymore. She's…an amazing woman. She's so patient with me. Yes, I piss her off, but she's so supportive."

"My hot take, for what it's worth? She's too old for you, Ryan. Especially coming off a divorce like that. She doesn't know who she is or what she wants. And when she finally figures it out, it's gonna be different from what you want. You guys might play well together, but where's it gonna go long term?"

Ryan sighed. "I don't know. I just know I love her. So much."

"I understand that. But sometimes that just isn't enough." He grabbed a rag and wiped down the bar. "I don't suppose you'd tell me which teammate it is?"

Ryan shook his head. "I gotta keep some secrets."

"Fair enough. It, uh, wouldn't happen to be Tyler Hayes, would it?"

Ryan was dumbfounded. "How the…?"

Chris pointed over to the entrance of the bar, where Hayes stood, head on a swivel.

"Shit," Ryan dropped his head into his hand before looking back at Chris. "Hey: secrets," he reminded him, polishing off the rest of his drink and putting his fist out.

Chris bumped it with his. "No clue what you're talking about. Ryan, good luck with…everything."

"Thanks, man."

He walked up to Hayes. "Hey."

"Oh my God. The fuck you doin' out in public right now lookin' like someone trash-picked you?" Hayes pointed to his outfit. "Are you kidding me with this shit, Rook? Have people been throwin' spare change at you?"

Ryan shrugged. "I needed to get away for a minute."

"Well, it's been more than a minute. She was worried, asked me to come look for you."

"And you always do whatever she wants you to, don't you? Like a good little lap dog."

Hayes threw his hands up. "The fuck you want from me, Rook? Huh?"

"Can we talk?" Ryan asked seriously. "I think…I think we should talk."

"Fine," he muttered, turning and heading back inside. The lobby was practically empty, so he motioned to a couple of somewhat secluded couches, where they each took a seat on a separate one. Hayes crossed his arms. "So? Talk."

"I feel like there's a lot we need to say to each other."

"Like?"

"OK, well first, you should've used protection with her, or at the very least, pulled out. That's just stupid, Hayes. I've been responsible for…" he paused, looked around, and lowered his voice. "For an abortion, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy."

"Don't worry, we already talked. Hittin' up a CVS on the ride home. Last thing the world needs right now is a little mini-Hayes runnin' fuckin' amuck, eh?" His attempt to make Ryan smile flopped, so he continued. "For what it's worth, she asked me to do it."

"I don't care. You know better."

"You're right."

"And just for the record, I…wait. Did you just say I'm right?"

"Yeah. See, you got this whole fuckin' speech prepared, but you don't even listen. It was dumb. I got caught up in the moment, and it won't happen again."

"Uh, this won't happen again, Hayes. I never wanted this to happen in the first place, OK?"

"So why did it then?"

"Alcohol and testosterone."

"You think either of those things are goin' away anytime soon?"

"I knew how bad she wanted it, and I just wanted to make her happy, but…she's never happy."

"Rook, do you even know your own girlfriend, man? She's a lot of great and wonderful things, but happy?" He laughed. "Happy isn't one of them."

Ryan rubbed his forehead. "Why do I feel like you know her so much better than I do?"

"Because I do. We talk, Rook. We open up to each other about shit. She's pretty much my fuckin' therapist. Do you guys talk about stuff, the hard stuff? The painful stuff?"

"Not really. Well, like, sometimes."

"Rook, can I say something?"

"You're gonna say it anyway, so go ahead."

"I don't know what you're doin' with her. Like, what's the goal? You forced her into a relationship when neither of you was ready. Now, a month into it, you're having fuckin' threesomes because she's scared to death you'll cheat if she doesn't do it with you. Do you know I held her today as she bawled? Bawled, man. Broke down in my fuckin' arms because of what happened the other night with that girl. She might've cum, but she was not OK with it." He looked at Ryan, who had tears streaming down his face. "And now look at you. What the actual fuck are you guys doing to each other?"

Ryan wiped his eyes. "I don't know. I just can't lose her. I can't."

"You're not gonna lose her. That woman would walk across fire to the ends of the goddamn Earth for your pathetic ass. But she isn't ready to be your girlfriend. And frankly? You're not ready to be her boyfriend. She deserves a little better than you. Sorry."

"And you saying all this has nothing to do with what just happened?"

"Fuck no. You think I wanna date her? You out of your mind? Amara and I would kill each other. We're friends, I guess now with benefits. But that's it. I could fuck her a million times and it wouldn't change a damn thing because Amara and I understand each other. I don't feel like you guys understand each other at all, and honestly, I don't know if it's your fault or hers."

"So fine, let's say we stay friends. What happens when she finds someone else? How do I deal with that?"

"What happens when you find someone else, Rook? You think you guys are gonna last? She's almost your fuckin' mom's age, bro."

"I love her," he said softly. "She's the first and only woman I ever felt this way about."

"You probably always will. And that's fine. But she'll always be the one that got away because it's just not gonna last. You have to know that. And it's no one's fault. Just shitty timing is all. You guys can be friends, but you gotta form an actual friendship with her first. You guys jumped into this shit way too fuckin' fast. You fucked her one time and, boom! You were dating. You know I'm gonna tell you like it is. This is how it is."

"God, Hayes," Ryan said. "I wanna hate you so bad, but I don't. Not even close."

A few moments of silence passed. "So, what else did we need to talk about? You said we had a bunch of shit to say to each other."

"Well," Ryan sighed. "I can't believe I'm saying this out loud, but…I really liked kissing you, and I have no fucking idea what to do about it. So, there's that."

"Yeah, well. Guess what? I really liked kissin' you, too. But why does somethin' have to be done about it? You're always trying to put everything neatly into a fuckin' box. Why is that?"

"My anxiety. It doesn't really like when things are messy."

"Life is messy, Rook. You can't plan everything out. You'll drive yourself crazy. Learn to just let things be what they are, man."

"So, like, back to us. How do I just let that be?"

"Again: just let things be what they are. There is no ‘us.' We had a threesome, we were drunk and horny as fuck, and we made out a little. You're not gonna sit there and try to tell me you've never hooked up with other guys before, are you?"

"No, I have."

"And did you fall deeply in love with any of them?"

"No."

"There you go. We kissed, and it felt good. I‘m not tryin' to date you. We end up drunk and horny in a hotel room on the road? I don't know, maybe I'll suck your dick. Rook, your problem is you overthink shit to the point of exhaustion. You stress yourself out. You gotta stop that shit."

Ryan looked at Hayes and was in absolute awe of him. "You're probably one of the smartest fucking people I've ever met, you know that?"

"Fuckin' right I am."

"Where'd all this infinite wisdom come from at 20 years old?"

He shrugged and ran a hand through his hair. "Been through my fair share of shit, Rook. I just see things clearly for what they are."

"It's a gift."

"I guess. Listen, we can't sit here all night. It's already after one, and we gotta leave early so we get back for practice tomorrow. You need to go upstairs and get some sleep, but first, you better apologize to her for callin' her a slut. That wasn't cool and you're lucky I don't knock your fuckin' ass out. She's not a slut, not even close."

"I know. And I will. Speaking of sluts, is Osi done?"

"At this point, I don't give a fuck. I'm goin' in. Maybe I'll hit up a second threesome, eh?" He nudged Ryan as they got up to walk to the elevator.

"Hayes?"

"Yeah, Rook?"

"Would you really suck my dick?" Ryan smiled and winked at him.

"Not if you keep your shit up, I won't."

"Hey, seriously. Thanks for talkin' to me, man. I feel better."

"I got you."

???

He'd planned to open the door as quietly as possible but was forced to knock at the realization that he'd forgotten his key card.

On the third knock, she opened the door only a crack, having latched the slide lock. "Password?"

"I'm the biggest fucking dick that ever lived and I don't deserve you."

She shut the door, removed the lock, and opened it all the way. "I'll accept that."

"Hey, sit down with me?" he asked, reaching for her hand. "I just have a few things I need to say."

"Yeah, I have a few things to say too, and I'll start with this: why do you even own those shorts? You're way too sexy to own those shorts, Ry."

He laughed, as they sat down on the edge of the bed together. "They were literally the only bum shorts I had clean, and I had to pack in a hurry to get here on time." He looked away from her and clasped his hands in his lap. "First, I'm sorry I called you a slut. You're not."

"Thank you. That really hurt."

"I know. And I'm sorry, Amara. So, I had a chat with Hayes, and…I think I may have pressured you into being my girlfriend. I'm not sure we really know each other like we think we do. He knows you so much better than I do, and I feel like maybe we need to make more of an effort to build a friendship."

"So, what are you saying?"

"Amara, you know how I feel about you. And I'd love it if we stayed together and tried to build that friendship at the same time. But if you want your space, your freedom, then you should have it. You deserve that after what you've been through."

"Again: what are you saying?"

"I'm leaving it up to you…"

"No, Ryan! You don't get to do that. If you wanna break up, then nut up and say it."

"Amara, I don't wanna break up with you. But I have a question for you. Do you wanna break up with me?"

She didn't answer.

"Amara, do you wanna break up with me?"

"Yes."

He nodded. "OK."

"I'm sorry. I can't do the open relationship thing with you. I thought I could, but I can't. It's not working. I care about you too much."

"Interesting timing," Ryan mumbled.

"Excuse me?"

"Well, it's just funny you say that right after fucking Hayes. That's all."

"And you fucked your little fake blonde Barbie doll, so what the hell do you care?"

"Stop!" He waved his hands in front of him. "This is…we're going backward. Alright, so we're breaking up. What's that mean?"

"It means you're not my boyfriend anymore, Ryan. You're free to date and fuck whoever you want. But it also means that I am, too."

"Are we gonna try to build up our friendship, or do you wanna just end it all and be done with me?"

"Ryan, I'm never gonna be done with you. It'll just be like it was before we started dating. We hang out, we talk, we continue to get to know each other."

"The problem is that the whole time we were doing that, I was falling in love with you."

"We'll figure it out. We're gonna be living together. It's not like we can avoid each other. I wouldn't want to anyway. I like you, Ryan. I really do. But this, like I said from the start, was over before it even began. We will never work."

"What about hooking up?"

She sighed. "We shouldn't. But I think we both know we will. You're the best I've ever had, Ryan. And yes, you're better than Hayes."

"Seriously? Because you came after being on his dick for like, 10 seconds."

"Just because of his size. Had nothing to do with his skill. I mean, I did all the work myself. Your skill level is unmatched."

"I mean, is it OK if we still hook up?"

"Probably not. But this is our game. We get to make the rules. And if one of us starts seeing someone else seriously, then it has to end."

"I really don't wanna lose you."

"And I understand that. But you can't waste your time with me, because your life? It's out there waiting for you somewhere. Ryan, you're so young and you've got so many good things coming your way. Your career is just taking off. You're gonna be an amazing hockey player, score all…the…fuckin' goals or whatever it is you hockey boys do. You're gonna be even more famous than you are right now, and you're gonna be rich. Like, private jet lifestyle rich. You're not even gonna remember the early days when you had to split an apartment with some old, grumpy divorced bitch."

"That old, grumpy divorced bitch is one of the best things that ever happened to me."

Noticing he was crying, she grabbed his hand. "Maybe that's true up to this point in your life, but someday I'll just be a memory."

"Never."

"Yes. I will. I'm learning more and more that people come into your life for a variety of reasons and they don't all stay. Believe me, someday, when you least expect it, you're gonna meet the absolute person of your dreams. You're gonna propose with probably the biggest rock ever and get married. You're gonna stay faithful because you're gonna go to therapy for your sex addiction, and you're going to be the most amazing husband and father, Ryan. You really are. Your life is out there. It's not here. As much as I hate that it's not, it's not. We're just two people whose paths happened to cross at this particular moment in time for whatever reason. And honestly? I'm glad they did."

"And you?" he asked sadly. "Where do you end up?"

She shrugged. "Wherever I'm supposed to. You know, I think a lot about what Rizz said the first night we met, how you and I probably had some connection in a past life. I'd like to think that those two foregone versions of us? Maybe they…I'd like to think maybe they made it."

"Yeah well, I'd like to think that, too, but based upon this shit show, they probably went down together on the fucking Titanic."

"Yup," she laughed, wiping her eyes. "I probably pushed your big ass right off that door, too, and watched you sink to the bottom of the ocean."

"Yeah, and then fucked Hayes on top of it afterward."

"You are such a dick." She smacked his arm.

"I know," he said. "Guess I should get some sleep. Hey, I can feel my anxiety creeping up, and it's bad. Can you lay with me, at least until I fall asleep? Please?"

She couldn't have said no to him even if she'd wanted to.

Which she didn't.