One

One

Jude

As soon as I drive into Brooklyn, I want to turn my bike around and drive right back out. That familiar scent of garbage and exhaust fumes hits my nose, making the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I haven’t been here in nine years, but New York is just a smell you can’t forget. It clings to you and won’t let you go, no matter how far from the city you get.

I don’t take the most direct route through the city, because I don’t want to pass by my old high school. The place I dropped out from and then ran away from home. Just because almost a decade has passed doesn’t mean it gets any easier to think about.

When I finally turn my motorcycle into the parking lot of Max’s Bar, I’m sweating from the July heat. I turn the bike off but don’t stand right away. The drive here was only half the battle. The other half is actually going in there and talking to my brother. Rowan.

I haven’t seen him in ten years. He was arrested at sixteen, spent a year in juvie. I haven’t seen him since he was sentenced. And since I’m the reason he was arrested in the first place, I didn’t think he’d want to see me. By the time I realized he did want to get in touch with me, I’d already been without him a long time.

Even now, my palms are sweaty on my bike’s handlebars as I think about getting up and actually going inside the bar. But our oldest brother—Dominic—is getting married in a week, and I promised I would be here for it.

I don’t think either one of them actually expects me to show up.

With a sigh, I swing a leg over the bike and listen to the crunch of gravel under my boots to try and center myself. Brooklyn is just a place. A lot of bad things happened here, but it holds no power over me. At least that’s what I tell myself as I make my way into the bar.

I pull my sunglass off and tuck them in the collar of my T-shirt. It’s like a lot of bars in Brooklyn, but this one’s clean. It doesn’t have that smell of piss floating around. It’s almost unnerving.

“Jude?” Dominic’s voice is loud and full of disbelief. I don’t blame him; I never told either of them I was coming. I only decided two days ago, and I’ve been traveling ever since.

I turn to face my brother. “Hey.”

He surges forward to hug me, and I try not to cringe away from the contact. I’ve gotten pretty good at it, but Dominic’s embrace is tight. I count the seconds in my head to calm my racing heartbeat. A trick I learned a long time ago.

When Dominic finally releases me, he punches me in the shoulder. Not enough to do any damage but enough to sting. “You’re gone for nine years, and the best you can do is ‘hey?’”

I shrug. “I’m here, aren’t I?”

Before Dominic has the chance to respond, Rowan appears from behind the bar. He’s got a tray of clean glasses in his hands, that he sets on the counter when he sees me. Unlike Dominic, Rowan doesn’t move to hug me. But he also doesn’t look angry at me like I thought he would, so that’s a plus.

I’ve forgotten how much we look like each other. Same dark hair, same green eyes. Dominic is scarred from taking the brunt of Dad’s anger for years; Rowan’s arms are tattooed in full sleeves, something Dominic said he did after getting out of juvie. My scars aren’t on the outside, and I have only one tattoo. I guess I’m a mix of them both.

“Jude,” Rowan says, his voice soft like it was when we were kids. “Where’ve you been?”

“A little bit of everywhere.” I haven’t found any place where I feel comfortable enough to call it home. I’ve been to hundreds of motels and even some hostels back when I first left Brooklyn. None of them have felt right.

Rowan frowns, but he doesn’t push me on it. Instead, he grabs a glass and starts drying it with a bar towel. “How long are you in town for?”

“Until the wedding.” One week. Already it feels like too much. I can feel the city closing in on me. I don’t want to be here. This was such a mistake. My body starts feeling tight, like it’s too big for my clothes. Sweat breaks out on the back of my neck.

“Why haven’t you called or texted me back?” Rowan asks. He’s trying for nonchalance, but I can hear the hurt and confusion in the words.

“I didn’t realize you wanted me to.”

Dominic cuts me a glare.

Rowan rolls his eyes. “Yeah, because I like sending texts and calls out into the void without needing a response.”

I don’t give him another answer. The truth is, I’m just still not sure how to talk to him. After he went away to juvie because of me, I didn’t think he’d ever want to speak to me again. Dominic had been so angry with me when it happened. If he hadn’t fought so hard to be so unlike Dad, I think he would’ve hit me the day Rowan was sentenced.

Fuck, I need a cigarette.

I pull out a barstool a couple of seats down from Dominic and rest one elbow on the bar top so I can dig in my jacket pocket for my smokes. As soon as one’s in my hand, I feel a little better. Slightly more in control.

The stool next to me scrapes loudly on the wooden floor as someone sits on my right, but I ignore it and light up, taking a deep breath of that amazing nicotine. It floods my system instantly. It’s almost orgasmic.

“Hey, this is a nonsmoking establishment,” the voice to my right says.

I glance the guy’s way, and heat floods my system for a whole new reason. He’s in a polo shirt and jeans, and he’s got on these black-framed glasses that are really doing something to me.

He’s frowning, so I take another drag and blow the smoke out slowly.

The guy full-on scowls now. “The owner of this place could call the police on you.”

I roll my eyes. “Why don’t you go out and get a blowjob? It’ll loosen you up.”

I start to put the cigarette back to my lips when the guy reaches over and snatches it from my hand before putting it out in the glass of water Rowan had sat in front of me.

As the cigarette sizzles, I glance up at Rowan. “Who the fuck is this guy?”

Rowan sighs heavily. “That’s Max. My boss and the owner of this place. And I’d really like to keep this job, so do me a favor and play nice.”

“Oh.” I turn back to look at Max. “That blowjob I said you needed to go get? If you let my brother keep his job, I’ll give it to you.”