Chapter 29

twenty-nine

Alexandr

I breathe heavily.

I fucking hate this. I get why she wants to talk about this, but I don't want to, either. I know I messed up big time, but we've been happy. We're supposed to move on, but I guess that was na?ve of me.

I turn and look at her, tears falling from her beautiful green eyes, and I sigh, hating that I've made her fucking cry again . I walk over to her and lean down, wiping her eyes with my thumbs as I place a gentle kiss on her lips.

I whisper, "Just give me a second baby?"

She nods.

I walk back into the house, go to the living room, and get my phone out. I find the number I want and press the call button. She answers after it rings three times.

"Alexandr? Is everything okay?"

"Mama," I rasp

She sucks in a breath. "What's wrong?"

I sit on the edge of our sofa, looking at all the photos of Phoebe and I on the mantel above the fireplace, and take a deep breath.

"She wants to talk about the past; I just don't know if I can. I really fucked up back then."

She sighs. "Sweetheart, this is probably something she really needs. Neither of you actually faced your problems; you managed to ignore the way she left you because she nearly died, and I know you wanted to make things right without bringing back the hurt and pain, but it'll only ruin you both in the long run."

I groan and drop my head, my elbows leaning on my knees.

I whisper, "What if she realizes how much I fucked up and thinks it's too unforgivable? What if she leaves me again?"

I hear my mother sniffle, then there's a shuffle, and my father's voice comes on the other end of the phone. "Son, I know how hard this is, believe me, I've been in your shoes before, but you need to talk to her. She needs this to move forward. I know it feels like you have moved past it all, but she has not. It's still in her mind. This isn't something you can sweep under the rug."

I clear my throat, keeping control of my anger, hoping I don't bite my father's head off since he's just basically admitted to cheating on my mother.

I rasp, "She knows about the phone calls I keep getting from Selene, but she thinks it's something else."

He sighs. "You need to talk to her, son. I know you didn't want to tell her, but you need to. This will only build up, and you'll lose her anyway. You can do this, I promise."

I groan again, and rasp, "Okay. Thanks, Papa ." Then, I hang up.

I have not called him Dad in Russian in a long time.

I drop my phone on the table, notice another message, and sigh.

Selene: please. I just want to talk to her. Father's getting me the help I need. I just want to make things right before I leave, please.

I ignore it and head back to my girl; Selene doesn't deserve shit from my woman.

When I step outside, she's sitting in the same position on the swing. She looks absolutely beautiful with her hair in a knot on her head. She's wearing black leggings and one of my shirts, too. I sigh and walk out toward her where I crouch down in front of her, wrapping my hands around her feet. I look at her, her eyes shining, full of sorrow, love, and hope, and I know that this talk does need to happen. She's not looking at me with disgust like she used to, she just wants to move forward.

"Okay, malen'kaya ptitsa , let's talk," I rasp, and she gives me a beautiful, watery smile. I stay where I am and start to rub the bottom of her feet with the heel of my hands. "Let's clear something up, first. Yes, Selene is messaging me, but not for the reasons you believe. Your father has convinced her to get help after he went to see her at her new apartment, which was a dump. She was high off her ass, and she's now going to rehab, but she's been pestering me to get to you. She wants to see you before she leaves but, I'm sorry, baby, I don't want her anywhere near you, and I've told her such once before. I ignored the rest of her calls and messages.

"I know you'll probably be pissed at me for not telling you, but we're in a good place, and my gut tells me she's going to try and stir up shit before she leaves as punishment for being happy, and I won't have it."

She nods, her eyes still holding love that shines through for me, and I smile, knowing I made the right decision where Selene is concerned, and I take a deep breath.

"There are no excuses, exceptions, or reasons for what I did. Did I believe in my mind that it was okay, so I didn't pressure you into something you weren't ready for? Yes. Did I believe that because I didn't fuck Selene in her cunt, it was okay to do what I did? Again, yes. Did I believe it was fair game to get a mistress when you left, and continue to see her when I was told the reason why you left? Yes, I did. Did I believe that because I was told you fucked someone, it made it okay to continue fucking those women? Yes, I did." Tears spill from her eyes, and it guts me. This is why I didn't want to do this, but I continued for her.

"Did I believe that I was punishing you for leaving me and planned to keep a lover even after you returned as punishment? Yes, I did."

A sob comes out of her mouth, and I let go of her feet, move from my crouching position, and kneel in front of her. I take her face in my hands, and I sigh with relief when she leans into my touch instead of shoving me away.

I whisper, "I love you. I love you so much. I have no excuses because it's all bullshit. I was arrogant, and I ignored the shit my brother went through, thinking I was invincible. I thought that once we married, it wouldn't matter, because I wouldn't sleep with anyone again. I knew what I was doing was wrong, especially who I was doing it with, but I never thought they'd have the balls to tell you because of the dirt I had on them.

"I was an idiot, a man who loved you so much but was blinded and cocky. I thought you'd never leave me, and then you did, and I broke. All I could think of was how much I would hurt you when I got you back and saw how I easy it was for me to be with other women. But I was dead inside."

She sobs again, but she's right; she needs this.

"Then Damian told me about your email, but he didn't see it until about a week before we finally found you. When I realized why you left, my guilt ate me alive, and I drowned in sorrow and pain I couldn't deal with, so I decided to bury it with Candy. I was an idiot. there's no reason or excuse for what I did, and I pay for that mistake every day. And when I found you on the sidewalk bleeding out…." I let out a shaky breath. "I instantly knew it was my fault. I knew seeing Candy wrapped around me broke you; I saw it in your eyes, that you made peace with leaving me. After everything that's happened since then, I decided to bury that day and the things that led up to me almost losing you, because I knew the guilt would eat me alive. I knew it would kill me." I swipe her tears away with my thumbs as I lean my forehead against hers. "I love you so much, and I'm so sorry for everything I've done, but know this: you are all I see, you are all I'll ever see."

She nods as a sob comes out again, and her floodgates open. I stand and lift her, then sit down, making her straddle me. She lays her head in the crook of my neck while she cries, and my eyes start to water, hating what I have done to her.

Her cries die down after a little while, and I think she's asleep until she whispers, "I'm pregnant."

My heart races, and my tears fall down my face.

Pregnant?

I place my hand on her cheek, lifting her face so I can see her, and put my other hand on her stomach.

"Pregnant?" I whisper as more tears fall from her eyes.

She nods and says, "I went for my four-week check-up on my liver and bowels today before they start seeing me bi-annually. They ran a blood test when I told them I'd been feeling sick and dizzy, and it came back positive. I'm four weeks."

I let out a little sob. Our wedding night, she fell pregnant on our wedding night. I lean forward and kiss her gently at first, then passionately, my tongue massaging hers while I grip her neck with one hand, while caressing her stomach, where our baby is nestled, with the other.

I slow down the kiss and lean my forehead against hers. I rasp, "That's why you wanted to have this conversation now?"

She nods. "I love you so much, and I love our baby, but I didn't want to go through this hormonal pregnancy taking my anger out on you. I saw how Sofia was during the end of her last pregnancy." I chuckle at that, now feeling fucking grateful she wanted to do this now; my girl's dangerous on a good day.

Chuckling, I state, "I'm hiding all sharp objects and weapons until after you give birth." She bursts out in laughter, then leans into me, placing her head back into the crook of my neck and breathing me in while I play with her hair, watching our crazy animals chase each other as Ares sleeps.

We sit like this for about half an hour, when the back gate opens. I look at my parents walking through, and I smile. I knew they'd end up popping around; they saw how bad I was when we thought she wouldn't make it. The dogs go crazy and greet them, before Goosy squawks, and the dogs chase him again, making me shake my head. The fucking bird needs to stop antagonizing the other animals. It was the goats yesterday, which I think he regretted when they head-butted him.

Phoebe lifts her head and smiles when she sees who's here.

My mother states, "We just wanted to make sure you both are okay." She has worry etched all over her face.

"We're okay, Mama ."

I smile at Phoebe calling her mama in Russian; Sofia does, too, and my mom loves it. She sighs in relief and leans into my father, leaning her forehead against his shoulder. He looks at me with sorrow in his eyes. My mother was clearly worried about this. I feel guilty for calling her to begin with, and my father just shakes his head, understanding where my mind is going. I nod mine in understanding; I always go to them when I need to.

I look at Phoebe, and she smiles at me, making me smile back. My girl knows what my mom needs.

I clear my throat. "Hey, Mama ?" She looks back up with tears, and I smile softly. "It looks like you've got another grandchild on the way." Her tears fall as a massive smile stretches across her lips, and then she squeals, causing us all to laugh while my father's grin is wider.

Phoebe gets off me and goes to my mom, and they hug while I get up to go to my dad. He hugs me and whispers, "Well, now it makes sense, why she wanted to do this today."

I nod and say, "Thank you, Papa ."

My dad's eyes brim with tears, and he hugs me again before my mother comes over and grabs hold of me. While my father hugs Phoebe, I hear him say, "Thank you for giving him a chance. We love you, you know."

I feel emotional as my mother lays her head on my chest, squeezing me tight as Phoebe smiles wider at my dad, and nods. My heart feels so fucking full.

We sit for a few hours, talking, laughing, and enjoying the evening. My mother calls my brother and Sergi to spill the beans, and he, the kids, Sergi, and Sofia all come around with massive smiles. We order food, enjoy being together, and celebrate the new life we will bring into the world.

This is my family, and I smile wide.