24. Olivia

Olivia

F rom Tyson’s office, I go directly to Jasper’s room. The guys are still in the living room, probably waiting to see how I am. I don’t go to them. Not because I don’t want to talk to them, but to explain my reaction from earlier. Because if I deviate from my trajectory, I might return to Tyson and…I’m not ready for the thoughts filling my head, not the ones that make me think less of myself, but the ones that might have me fuck Tyson as I did with Mose. Out of my own volition.

When that happens, I’ll lose my heart to him again, and I can’t allow that to happen.

I'll never understand how Tyson still has so much power over me. The more I try to fight him, the more I am pulled to him. It’s not only the bond between us; there’s something else that ties us together.

My bare feet barely make any noise on the wooden floor. I learned a long time ago how to be silent. Before, it was because of fear; now, it is because of shame. Ansel probably thinks he hurt me in some shape or form. I can’t bring myself to tell him that when he makes love to me, he breaks my heart a little more. Not intentionally. I don’t think Ansel has any ill intention towards me, but his gentleness or the way he sometimes looks at me, with tenderness, with love, I can’t stand it.

It was better when everyone hated me, when I still fought the darkness inside me, when I didn’t know how amazing sex could be, when…Tyson and Rueben still hated me. When I still wanted to die….

Hate is something I can deal with, but love? It’s slowly killing from inside out.

Love.

What does love even mean?

To be happy when the object of your desires also reciprocates?

Happiness.

Does such a thing exist?

I enter Jasper’s room and slowly close the door behind me before going straight to the closet, locking myself inside and hiding in a corner next to the bag with books and records Tyson bought for me. I put the phone next to it and look at the book, Broken Vows .

It’s been years since I’ve read something. In the Celestial Heaven, all I did was fuck men and spend the remainder of the time high or sleeping. There were no books around, even if I would've wanted to read. It was the same at Jason’s apartment.

I take my time before I open the book. I close my eyes and flip the pages fast while inhaling deeply. Its scent brings back so many memories, especially from the orchard.

When I feel ready, I turn on the light and read the dedicatory page.

To the days spent between cherry trees.

Tyson also thought of how our love story started. I thought he forgot. I don’t know what is worse, that he told our story in a thousand ways or that we never get to experience all those lives.

I open the first chapter and start reading. It follows the story of a man who moves into a tiny apartment and becomes friends with one of his neighbors. The book is short and is fast-paced, taking me only a few hours to finish.

The guys look for me around the house, calling my name, but I don’t reply, wanting to know how the book ends. Tyson said he wanted our story to have a happy ending, but I need to see what that means to him. No one thinks about checking the closet, so I stay hidden for hours.

When I read the epilogue, I start to ugly cry. It’s been years since I last cried like this. Not since the day I lost Spencer. The story Tyson wrote is so…cliche and stupid, yet so beautiful. It’s everything I have ever wanted.

“Olivia? Where the fuck are you?”

It’s not the first time Ansel has looked for me in Jasper’s room in the last two hours or so. He sounded worried in the beginning, but now he is annoyed.

While I want to hide in here forever, it’s time to face reality.

I put the book on top of the phone before unlocking the closet.

“I’m in here.”

“She’s in Jasper’s room!” Ansel yells before he opens the closet and takes me out of it.

I stop crying, but my face is still wet with tears, and he pulls me into a tight embrace. Before he can ask why I’m crying, I say, “I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

The others rush to the room.

I shrug. “For not replying the first time you called. I deserve to be punished.”

I might be a badass bitch when it comes to Azael, but I’m still scared to trigger my men in any way.

Ansel kisses my temple. “The only punishment you’ll receive is the new ice cream tub. And to spend the rest of the day in bed while the others and I spoil you. It’s obvious we did something to upset you.”

If Ansel knew the real reason I was crying, he would laugh. Or maybe he would spank me. I keep quiet about the book because I prefer ice cream.

Jasper speaks next, “How about I put on our favorite TV show, and I’ll paint your toenails while you watch it. You can paint mine whichever color you want.”

I haven’t painted my nails or wore makeup since I started living at the farm. Jason always demanded I use red, which I can’t stand, and it was so refreshing to be natural. Truth be told, I love makeup and nice dresses, but I didn’t have the money to buy any.

If I accept Tyson’s job proposal, I’ll be forced to spend hours in his office with him. What a wonderful … terrible idea.

My gaze goes to Jasper. “I would love to paint your nails,” I let him know.

Yesterday I went shopping with Ansel and Jasper. They didn’t take me to a thrift store like Rueben and Tyson did, but it was equally fun. After trying out clothes, I also got other things women can’t live without, like a blow dryer. I couldn’t believe it when Jasper told me they didn’t have one in the house. Not even Mose. I didn’t ask for one because I was perfectly fine with letting my hair dry naturally, but I got one because I saw a cute pink one, and I had to have it. The guys also encouraged me to get nail polish because they saw me looking at it.

“Neon. Green,” Mose says.

A demon with green toenails. Now, that is something you don’t usually see.

“That’s a bold color,” Ansel chuckles. “If Mose and Jasper are in, I suppose you can also paint mine.”

Three concerned faces look at me—four if I count Tyson standing in the doorframe, his fists opening and closing, trying to control his jealousy. Knowing he’s lurking in the shadows, ready to intervene, is a small comfort. I might not fear Mose, and I really enjoy Ansel and Jasper’s company, but Tyson is always…my go-to person when I have a mental breakdown. Even if I can’t allow myself to be with him, I can’t let go of him either.

“Only if we paint our fingernails as well,” I try to see if they are bluffing or serious.

“We have a meeting at the Blood Lodge tonight,” Jasper tries to back out.

My hands fly to my face. “I will return to my meltdown, then.”

“Fine. Fine! We will paint our fingernails as well,” Jasper quickly changes his mind.

I still don’t believe them, so I say, “All of us will paint our fingernails black. After that, we will sit on the porch and sip cocktails. Including Rueben.”

Tyson folds his arms against his chest. “Rueben would rather yank out his nails, all of them, before he agrees to this.”

You know what happens when you summon the devil? He appears.

Rueben sticks his head inside the room. “Why would I yank out my nails?” he asks while his eyes stare directly at my cleavage.

Tyson pretends to remove some lint from his clothes. “Olivia wants some family time and to bond over shared trauma.”

Shared trauma? What is Tyson talking about?

“Don’t be so dramatic,” Ansel snorts. “Women paint their nails all the time, and I never saw them traumatized by it.”

“True,” Tyson agrees. “But they don’t have to attend a meeting with other Lords who will have nothing better to do than to stare at our nails and wonder if we lost our damn minds.” He rubs his temples before telling me, “But if it will make you feel better, then fuck it.”

Tyson’s mood swings are killing me. “I thought you didn’t want to be traumatized or have Lords laugh at you.”

Turquoise eyes hold mine captive. “I’d rather have my woman happy. Besides, I like the idea of us drinking cocktails together. It’s been a while since I had one.”

I know it’s a long shot, but I still ask, “Can we build a campfire and roast marshmallows? I can’t remember the last time I had some.” It’s a lie. I perfectly remember when I last ate roasted marshmallows—on my last date with Tyson. He was usually broke, so our dates usually revolved around the orchard. I didn’t mind as long as I got to spend time with him.

Rueben replies, “I’ll take care of the fire. That way, I can stick my fingers in it because there’s no way in hell I’ll paint my nails,” he mutters before leaving.

Now that I am convinced the guys are dead serious, I say, “Party pooper.”

“That’s Rueben for you,” Tyson agrees. “Marshmallows, cocktails, nail polish in all sorts of crazy colors—is there something else we need from the store?”

“Ask Rin and Steven if they want something,” Ansel suggests.

Despite the loss of their blood-brothers, Rin and Steven continue to come to the farm and patrol it at night. I haven't spoken to them since the day Rueben kicked me out. They have been avoiding the house, and I have no desire to go out, mostly because I want to keep a close eye on Mose. I am not the only one. The others are concerned about Mose as well. We might refer to the demon as Mose and treat him as such, but we know it’s not him. It might be that I don’t want to talk to Rin and be reminded of Levi. I lost so many years of friendship with him. I’ll never get to spend time with him again. There were so many things I wanted to ask Levi, the most important one being if he was happy or if he ever fell in love again.

So much has happened since the guys brought me here that I think they want to pretend everything is fine for as long as possible. One day, we will have to discuss what happened to Mose and what that means for everyone.

“I know a short time has passed since the deaths of Levi, Gavin, and Isak, but maybe they will want to join us.” When I realize what I said, I mentally slap myself. Rin and Steven probably hate me, and here I am, inviting them to hang out with me.

“I highly doubt it. Both are still devastated about what happened, but I’ll let them know,” Tyson agrees.

Being able to hold a conversation with Tyson like this is…strange. Before, he was so angry, and now, he is sulking most of the time. I still don’t know which version of him is worse. There are days when I wish for my Tyson to return. Then again, I can’t ask that of him when I know I’ll never be my old self again. We’ve both changed and because of that, we might never find our way back to each other. Only time will tell.

It doesn’t take long for the guys to build up a fire and prepare some snacks while I take a long shower, do my hair, and put on a pair of jeans, a sweater, and my new boots. My toes are finally healed due to my darkness, so wearing shoes is no longer a problem.

After I take a few bottles of nail polish with me, I go outside.

It’s the last week of January, and the weather is slowly starting to warm up. It’s been years since I was eager for something, and right now, I find myself looking forward to seeing the farm during spring.

The guys, including Rin and Steven, are gathered around the fire, drinking and talking. I hesitate before I go to them since I don’t know what to expect, especially from Rueben. He’s always in a foul mood.

Tyson puts his beer bottle to his mouth and takes a sip before saying, “We will move the pasture. I don’t want the horses to—” He stops mid-sentence when he sees me. “It’s been a long time since I saw you with braided hair. You look beautiful.”

I run my hand along my braid. “Thank you.” There are no empty chairs, so I say, “If you don’t want me here, I can go.”

“Actually, I hoped you would sit in my lap,” five voices say at the same time. Rin and Steven don’t say a word as they roast marshmallows over the fire.

I shift my weight from one leg to the other. “I wanted to sit in my chair.”

When Mose gets up and says, “Sit,” it doesn’t surprise me. The others mutter under their breaths.

I try to smile, but it probably turns out to be a grimace, and I go to Mose. Before I get to say thank you, he lifts me up and sits back on the chair with me on his lap. “I can’t believe you tricked me!”

He flashes me a grin before kissing me. The others mutter, “That’s not fair,” and I’m pretty sure Mose is flipping them the bird, but I can’t tell since my eyes are closed. Kissing with your eyes open is just… weird. I push at his chest and say against his lips, “I’m going to paint your nails bright pink.” He shrugs like he doesn’t care before kissing me again.

“You all paint your nails?” Rin asks.

I tear my lips away from Mose just as Rueben says, “Olivia wasn’t feeling well, so we decided to let her paint our nails to cheer her up.”

Rin and Steven stare at each other before bursting out laughing. Ansel, Jasper, and Mose don’t give a shit, while Tyson and Rueben look somewhat embarrassed.

“Simps,” Steven snickers.

Ansel, who is sitting next to Mose and me, puts his hand on my thigh. “If letting Olivia paint my nails makes her happy, then so be it.”

Rin and Steven keep laughing while repeating “simps.”

I take out one of the bottles of nail polish and open it. “Black,” I say and start applying it to Ansel’s fingernails.

“You will understand when you are in love,” Tyson chimes in.

Rin stops laughing. “I don’t believe in love.”

Without thinking, I say, “Too bad. Levi was a hopeless romantic.” I stop breathing while I wait for everyone to lash out at me.

After a few seconds of silence in which I swear I hear crickets, Rin says, “Levi refused to let women get close to him. He never said why, but it isn’t hard to figure out that someone broke his heart.”

“They are together now.”

I try not to gasp at Rueben’s words, but I probably fail as I hear myself inhale deeply. Rueben hated Levi. Why would he think Camila and Levi are together in the next life? Although the thought of Camila finally realizing what a great guy Levi is and them being happy together warms my heart.

Before this gets awkward, Tyson changes the subject. “We will rebuild the guest house in the spring after we move the pasture.” He grabs a stick from a small pile next to the fire pit and puts a marshmallow on one end. “I have plans to start an orchard as well.” My body tenses for a moment. “Only cherry trees.”

From here on, the guys start speaking about materials for the guest house and other things they want to do while I paint the nails of Ansel, Mose, Jasper, and Tyson. I stop from time to time to eat marshmallows or to drink some non-alcoholic beverage. Given my history of addiction, I am not allowed to have anything that might make me relapse. Since the last time I got high, I haven’t felt the need to consume more drugs. I am not a big fan of alcohol either, so when Tyson makes a mocktail for me, I gulp it down and ask for more.

Tyson chuckles. “You can have one more.” He takes a glance at his watch. “We have to leave in thirty minutes.”

Jasper and Mose, who now have neon green nails, are painting mine, each nail a different color. They don’t take long to dry.

“What about me?” Rueben huffs when Ansel puts out the fire, and the others start cleaning up.

I blink. “I thought you wanted to stick your fingers in the fire before I painted your nails.”

He huffs and puffs. “A kiss might change my mind.”

The temptation of having my butterflies strangle him is immense. While I don’t want to kiss Rueben, I want to see him with pink nails. “Deal,” I say. “But I have a condition as well. I want to come to the Blood Lodge.”

Everyone stops what they are doing and looks at me. I bet they didn’t expect me to want to go to the Blood Lodge. There are two reasons why I don’t want to remain alone on the farm.

First, Jason is surely waiting for the right moment to get me back. The daggers are also here; if they end up in Azael’s hands, the world as we know it will end. Even with my darkness ready to come to my aid at any time, my fear of Jason is too overwhelming. I could fight him, but if he drugs me, then it’s over. Until I learn how to stand on my own two feet when it comes to those who trigger me, I’d rather be safe than sorry.

Second, I want to see how everyone at the gathering reacts to Tyson and his blood-brothers having their nails painted.

It seems that my words took everyone by surprise. A few seconds pass, and no one says anything. They pretend they didn’t hear what I said as they gather empty bottles. Mose and Ansel start to take the chairs inside.

It’s time to take matters into my own hands.

So, I make my next move.

I get on tiptoes, grab Rueben by the collar of his hoodie, and pull him down for a kiss. His chest rumbles before he takes over and kisses me roughly. He grabs my braid as he devours my mouth. My alarm bells go off, and I want to push him away, but then he groans my name against my lips, making me think he won’t hurt me this time.

“Olivia.” He sucks my bottom lip before tilting my head to the side and kissing my neck.

For years, I’ve been afraid of him, of what he would do to me when he found me, but I never thought he would kiss me like this. Or want to be with me. He went from wanting to kill me in the worst way possible to wanting to fuck me so hard I’ll end up in a wheelchair for a few days.

His left hand slides all the way to my ass. “Too bad we have to go to the Blood Lodge,” he groans before letting go of me. “Otherwise, I’d owe you a new pair of jeans.”

I’ve never seen this side of Rueben, and I don’t know if I should be scared or… scared . Whatever he planned, it can’t turn out well. Even if he knows the entire truth now, he will find other things to blame me for. He might even get angry when people start laughing at him for having pink nails. I should avoid problems rather than create more.

I start gathering the nail polish bottles. “I’ll make myself comfortable in Jasper’s bed, eat ice cream, and wait for everyone to return home.”

Rueben glares at me—definitely no nail polish for him. “I thought you were going to paint my fingernails, not watch stupid romance movies,” he mutters. Even the tone of his voice tells me that it’s best if I mind my own business.

Even Tyson agrees with Rueben, as he says, “A minute ago, you wanted to come to the Blood Lodge; now you want to stay home. Which one is it?”

Since when do I have a say in anything?

“No one said I could come,” I reply.

Tyson sighs. “You don’t need to ask our permission to do things. There was nothing to add when you said you wanted to come with us. You made it clear what you wanted to do.”

Oh.

Making my own decisions can be overwhelming, especially since I’ve been told what to do for years. Even now, not being told how to dress, how to speak, or what to eat can be tiring since I have to make those decisions. I don’t even know what my favorite food, color, or book is anymore. Heck, I don’t even know who I am anymore.

All I know is that I’m Olivia, and I’m almost twenty-three.

Tyson puts down the empty bottles he has in his hands before pulling me into his arms. “Come to the Blood Lodge with us.”

My pulse quickens. This is how Tyson used to be when we were dating. Sweet, gentle, never forcing me to do things, letting me decide for myself. When plans were made, we would make them together. How would it be to give Tyson another chance? Things wouldn’t be the same; we are not the same, and our feelings are not the same. However, if there’s one thing I learned, it is that life is too short. I regret so many things; I don’t want to add one more to the list.

If I decide to give Tyson another chance, it won’t be a rushed decision. I need to ponder on it for some time.

“I’ll go change,” I say.

“What about me?” Rueben reminds me that I didn’t paint his nails.

I pull away from Tyson and sit on the last chair left outside. Rueben squats in front of me. The rage that was always reflected in his eyes is gone, replaced by some other feelings I can’t put my finger on, letting me know that he is still grieving the loss of Camila and his parents. Even the constant red-glow is slowly fading away, making me think that he might not succumb to madness and be lost forever. Despite everything, I don’t want him to lose the battle with the dark whisper of Hell. “Green will work great with your turquoise eyes,” I say.

Rueben looks at me with…tenderness. It’s like the old days. My chest hurts as I remember how kind he used to be. He used to laugh a lot, and I took that away from him. No wonder he tried so hard to kill me.

“Go ahead,” Rueben gives me permission. I start working on his right hand. “Imagine what Camila would have said if she saw all of us with our nails done. Especially me.”

Tyson is nearby but doesn’t join the conversation. While he loved Camila, he was never close to her. Or maybe he is letting Rueben and me rekindle our friendship.

The others finish cleaning and go inside the house, leaving me alone with Tyson and Rueben. There are still moments when I fear being in the same room or space as them, but today is not one of those days. Maybe it’s because I had…fun with them. Rueben is being nice to me, even smiling from time to time. I don’t know what to do with that. I got used to being treated like shit, so when someone is being kind to me, I don’t know how to react or what to expect. I don’t trust the guys won’t go nuclear on me again.

“Camila would have taken a picture of our hands and framed it,” I say. Remembering all the good times with her right now is not that painful. “She would have wanted to immortalize your neon green nails.”

I’ve never imagined that one day I’d talk to Rueben about Camila with such ease. Maybe we need this to heal. For me to trust he won’t hurt me again. Only time will tell.

“Then she would have made us play COD, and the loser would have had to walk down the street and tell at least twenty people about how he loves fuchsia or some other odd color like that.” Rueben chuckles, and I still for a moment. He is laughing with me. I forgot how handsome he is. Many girls at school had crushes on him. Camila would always brag and show everyone the pictures she took of Rueben, Tyson, and Ansel. Rueben was the most popular among the teen girls, which was fine by me, as I didn’t want anyone else looking at my Tyson with hearts in their eyes. “We should play COD tomorrow. It’s been a while since we had a guys’ night,” he says to Tyson, who shrugs.

I finish painting Rueben’s nails. “They turned out better than I expected.” Rueben folds his fingers over his palms to look at his nails when Diva—who has been God knows where the entire day—comes running from the driveway. “Don’t touch anything, or else you’ll ruin my work!” I shout when Diva jumps on Rueben.