33. Clarissa

33

CLARISSA

" D avey sent a package," Marci announced as she walked into the kitchen of our new shared house. She had a large, padded envelope in her hands.

"Hopefully, it's not all the bills that didn't get paid when we left," I teased. I didn't look up as I washed dishes in the sink.

She tossed the large package onto the table.

"Is that for me?" Leo asked as he came bouncing into the room.

"No, sweetie," I said. "That's for Aunt Marci. Davey sent it from Chicago."

"When is Uncle Davey gonna get here?" Leo asked.

"Not soon enough," Marci complained.

It was the last week of January and Davey still hadn't left Chicago yet. He was supposed to put all of our belongings onto a moving truck and head out here, but something came up and he had to extend his stay in Chicago by a couple of weeks. It was making Marci nuts. We were all living out of suitcases and folding lawn furniture because all our real tables and chairs and couches were crammed into their old apartment. Leo and I shared an air mattress while we waited for our beds to arrive.

"Come here, Leo," Marci said. "Help me open this up. Maybe it is something fun."

Leo climbed up on a chair so that he could reach the table more easily.

"What do you think it is?" Marci asked as she shook the package.

Davey had been forwarding any mail that came to the old address every week. This was probably just another envelope of that even though it was much bigger than what he typically sent.

"Maybe it's a flat dinosaur," I said jokingly. I turned away from the dishes and leaned against the front of the sink so I could see what the goodies inside the package were.

"Mommy," Leo complained. He could have told me exactly why a dinosaur couldn't have fit in that envelope. At least he was beginning to understand when I was being silly.

He tore open the package with the enthusiasm of ripping into presents on Christmas morning. Marci helped him pour out the contents. There was a bunch of bills that hadn't been properly forwarded, a small envelope that looked like a card with Marci's name scrolled across the front in Davey's handwriting, and a large paper board envelope.

"What's this?" Leo asked as he lunged for the large paperboard envelope.

"What does it say?" Marci prompted.

He was getting so good at reading that we were constantly encouraging him to read everything. He studied the envelope for a long time

"Why is this number crossed out?" he asked Marci. He pointed to different words on the front of the envelope. "That says return to sender on the yellow sticker, and that says love, and that's Mommy's name."

"What? Let me see, please?" I tried not to rush across the small space and snatch the envelope from Leo's hands. "This was sent to Kyle, but it looks like it was returned to the lab." I picked at the multiple address labels on the front.

"Holy crap, is that the…" Marci twisted her face, trying to find the right words she could say in front of Leo. It wasn't like we could actually spell anything out around him anymore.

I bit my lip and started nodding like some kind of bobble head.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what this is."

"But what is it?" Leo asked.

I shot Marci a panicked look. She swooped in and grabbed Leo and began tickling his ribs.

"I think it's boring work stuff," she said as she swung him around before setting him on his feet.

Leo giggled and ran out of the kitchen.

"What are you gonna do?" Marci asked.

I had no idea. I was holding the test results for Kyle and Leo's paternity test. This had to be the copy that was supposed to have been delivered to Kyle.

"This probably explains why he told me he didn't get his test results," I said.

"And why it took them so long to get your copy sent to you." Marci finished the thought for me. "Maybe going with the cheap drugstore test wasn't the best idea."

"Maybe not." I shrugged. "But it's what we did."

Marci raised her brows and stared at me. I knew she wanted me to say something, but I honestly wasn't sure what to do. My insides felt like indecisive, panicked goo.

"I think I'll finish the dishes and maybe when that's done, I'll have a better clue about what to do about this." I shook the envelope.

"Let me know if I need to run interference with the kiddo," Marci said.

"Right now, I can't even process all of this," I admitted.

I tried to let my mind go blank while I finished the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. I hoped that I could somehow reach a state of decision-making clarity and Zen. By the time I was done, I was just as confused as before. I let out a long, slow breath as I sank onto a chair and stared at the envelope from the paternity testing place. I didn't need to open it because I knew what it said. However, this was meant for Kyle, and he didn't know conclusively that he was Leo's father. Making a decision, I stood up and found Marci and Leo on the couch watching TV.

"I'm going to take a walk. Are you good here?" I asked.

Leo didn't look up, but Marci gave me the thumbs-up signal. "I've got my phone. Just let me know if you're going to be late," she said.

I grabbed my phone and put on a jacket before heading out the door. I was getting used to the weather here. While it wasn't very nice out, overcast and cold, it was still better than the snow and wind back in Chicago. I didn't walk very far before I pulled out my phone and unblocked Kyle's phone number.

I stared at it for far too long. I didn't know if I could handle talking to him. I started to text him, but the words would not come out right.

Finally, I texted. Are you still in Seattle?

Yes, I'm still here , he responded almost immediately.

My throat went dry, and it was hard to swallow.

Are you willing to meet me this evening? I held my breath as I hit the Send button.

Where and when ?

The house we were renting was only a few blocks from a busy street with a coffee shop on the corner. I texted Marci that I was going to meet Kyle in a few minutes to discuss the contents of the envelope in my hands.

Are you sure? she asked.

I responded, No, I'm not. But I need to do this .

As I walked the few blocks to the coffee shop, I texted Kyle the crossroads and told him I would be waiting there, inside.

The coffee shop was warm, and the smells of coffee and baked goods soothed my jangled nerves. There was something very cozy and comfortable about the setting. Hopefully, that would support my needs as I had to face down all my fears in the form of Kyle Love.

I was there for maybe fifteen minutes before he came crashing into the coffee shop.

"Clarissa," he said as he approached me. "Is everything all right?"

I couldn't say anything. My tongue felt thick and sticky in my mouth. I held out the envelope to him. "Here. I don't know what happened. It looks like they sent your test results, but they were returned. I guess they tried to send them to me."

He took the envelope from me and stared at it.

"It looks like these have gone on a bit of an adventure." He chuckled.

I didn't know how he could find humor in the situation. Then again, I had a habit of laughing when I really wanted to scream.

He let out a long, drawn-out breath. I understood how he must have felt. After all, he wouldn't be able to claim that Leo wasn't his after he read the documents inside.

"Thank you, but I told you I don't need these." He ripped the envelope in half, crossed the café, and then shoved the two halves into the garbage before returning to stand in front of me.

"I told you, I know that Leo is my son."

"It certainly would have been easier if you had believed me the first time, Kyle. I'm getting tired of having to repeat myself with you. This has been so stressful, and I don't know what to say to you anymore." I swiped at tears that escaped and ran down my cheeks.

He slowly sank to his knees before he took my hands and held them.

"You can say you forgive me. You can say you'll give me a second chance. You can say…"

"You left us," I said in the pause of his words.

"And I was so very wrong to have done so. I won't do it again."

"But you did it twice. How can I trust you?"

"Give me the chance to earn back your trust," he practically begged.

I pulled my hands out of his and stood up. He stared up at me from his position, still on the floor.

"That's a lot to ask," I said.

"Will you at least think about it?" he asked.

I bit my lip and nodded. "I'll think about it," I said before I left the café and walked home.