CHAPTER EIGHT

Standing in the center of the bedchamber, I smoothed my hands over the fitted black vest and simple, quarter-sleeve shirt of the same color I'd found in the pile of clothing by the wardrobe. After being forced to wear transparent gowns for weeks, I had immediately grabbed a pair of leggings. There were other tops in my size, too, one that reminded me of the style Ash and his guards wore, but it seemed too…fancy for right now.

A curl toppled forward as I looked down at myself. Gods, I was so happy to be wearing clothing of my choosing again. But as I stood there, it suddenly struck me why I hated the gowns Kolis forced me to wear.

Not having a real choice was a huge part of it, but it was also that they reminded me of my failed presentation as the Consort—the gown I'd been forced to wear when I was first taken to the Shadow Temple. It, too, had hidden absolutely nothing and put me and nearly every inch of my body on display.

How I hadn't made the connection until now was beyond me.

My stomach roiled so suddenly and sharply that I smacked my hand over my mouth out of fear that the breakfast Ash had scrounged up for us might come right back up. Closing my eyes, I waited for the wave of nausea to pass, half-afraid that it wouldn't. But it did after a couple of minutes.

Gods. I needed to get a grip.

I blew out a long breath as I glanced over the bare walls and the scant pieces of furniture, still a little rattled by how vivid everything was. The space contained only the necessities: a long, tall wardrobe and several chests, the small, round table by the couch, and the new charcoal-gray armchair sitting near the bed. I'd heard Nektas's voice when I was in stasis.

Was that where he'd sat?

Nektas was right last night , I thought as I took in the rumpled blankets, discarded clothing, and used dinnerware on the table. The chambers did looked lived in. There was life here now. Not much, but enough that it had started to chip away at the kind of existence Ash had had for a little over two centuries due to Kolis's far-reaching and toxic influence. One that allowed for no warmth and no time or desire to form attachments, bonds, or even interests.

But that was changing. And it would continue to change.

I turned to the doors. After eating, Ash went back downstairs to check on things. When he returned, it would be time to meet with the others and go over what Ash and I had discussed last night.

I swallowed, shifting from one foot to the other. I knew I didn't have to wait for him to return. I could go downstairs now. I could go anywhere I wanted. Well, mostly. But given how my heart pounded, you would've thought a pit of forked-tongue vipers waited just beyond.

Feeling foolish—and not in a good way—I let my head fall back. I couldn't believe that I was hiding in my bedchamber because the idea of facing anyone without Ash stressed me out. Especially not after everything I'd been through—all I'd done.

That didn't mean Ash's pep talk had gone into one ear and out the other. I just wasn't getting a grip yet. I would before we met with the Shadowlands gods.

Thinking about that caused a small spike of anxiety as I turned. A thin line of light between the balcony door's curtains caught my attention. I started toward them as I sensed the presence of another drawing near. A god but not…

A series of quiet knocks jerked my head toward the chamber doors. Knowing Ash wasn't who I'd felt and that he wouldn't do that when entering his own chambers, I hesitated as I wrapped my hand around the door handle.

"Sera?" A soft, muffled voice came from the hallway. "It's Aios ."

Now, I understood what I had felt. Aios wasn't just a goddess, nor was she a risen Primal. She was somewhere in between since I'd brought her back.

I yanked the door open, half-surprised that I didn't tear it right off its hinges. Whatever I had been about to say vanished as I came face-to-face with the fiery, red-haired goddess. For a moment, I was struck speechless. The last time I'd seen her, she'd been so terribly wounded, drenched in blood, dead. And then…not dead. I knew she lived, but seeing her standing here, healthy and whole, sent a shudder of relief through me.

"Your eyes," Aios rasped, her once-citrine and now pearly silver eyes widening as she stared at me. A hand flew to her throat—to the delicate silver chain Rhain had returned to her.

Swallowing, I tore my gaze from the necklace before everything that involved the piece of jewelry took center stage. "I assume they're still silver and green?"

Aios blinked. "They…most definitely are." Her stare lingered on mine for a fraction longer, and then she crossed the threshold, throwing her arms around me.

Unused to such a physical expression from anyone outside of Ash, I returned the embrace with stiff, awkward arms.

Gods, why did I have to be so damn weird?

"I'm sorry," she said, her arms tightening around me. "I know I should greet you a certain way now, and I have this impression that you're as fond of hugs as Bele, but I couldn't help myself."

"I can't picture Bele hugging anything." Inhaling the vanilla scent clinging to Aios's hair, my arms finally relaxed. "Not even a cute, cuddly kitten."

Her laugh was shaky as I closed my eyes and let myself soak in her embrace. Besides Nektas —and gods, Ector — Aios had been one of the few to warm up to me when I first arrived in the Shadowlands. I'd thought we might actually become friends, but when she learned that I'd originally believed I had to kill Ash to save my kingdom, she hadn't been angry. No, it was worse. She had been saddened and disappointed. And, gods, I'd rather be on the receiving end of her anger than that. Her disappointment cut far deeper. So, this hug? It made all the awkwardness more than worth it.

"You saved my life," Aios whispered hoarsely. "I wish there was something better than these two words, but…thank you."

"Those two words aren't even necessary." My throat thickened as I thought about what I'd done. "I should be apologizing—"

"What?" Aios drew back, sliding her hands to mine. "Why would you think that?"

"When I brought you back, I did it without considering whether you wanted that. I don't regret doing it," I quickly added. "But I should've stopped and thought about it."

"You did the right thing. Just like you did for Bele."

"That was different. She died right before our eyes." Not that Aios needed the reminder. "But you were…" I trailed off. I had no idea how much time had passed for Aios by the time I brought her back, and the idea that I could've ripped her away from peace had haunted the back of my mind ever since. "I didn't know if your soul had passed on or not."

"If it did, I don't remember it," she said. "And that doesn't matter. I wasn't ready to die. And I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you, so yes, you did the right thing. And a thank you is necessary." She squeezed my hands before letting go. "Okay?"

I couldn't shake the feeling that her soul had crossed over to Arcadia, a realm of peace very much like the Vale, or had been in the process of doing so. But hearing her say what she had lessened that concern for me. Letting out a ragged breath, I nodded.

"Good." Her glistening lashes fluttered as she cleared her throat. "I ran into Nyktos downstairs. He got sidetracked by Theon. He just returned from the Bonelands ."

The Bonelands was a stretch of uninhabited land between the mountainous Carcers and the Skotos Mountains where the mortals had fought alongside the gods and Primals against the Ancients. The draken believed it was sacred given the bones of the fallen that remained unseen but were still there. Theon had been stationed there with several ships and soldiers.

"Is everything okay?" I asked.

"Yes. Theon is only updating Nyktos . He'd been waiting, wanting to give you two some space and time," she explained, clasping her hands at the waist of her deep forest-green gown. "I told Nyktos I would let you know, and he asked me to tell you he would be in his office for a bit."

He was likely writing the names of the recently deceased—in blood—in the Book of the Dead.

And yeah, that still creeped me out.

"Are you up for company until he returns?" Aios asked.

"Of course. I'm glad you came by," I said, and Aios's smile widened. "I've been so worried about everyone. How you were after what happened, and with…" My breath caught, causing the essence to hum through me. "And with Orphine and Ector."

"You'd think one would become used to such deaths after a while, especially being where we are." Aios sat on the edge of the couch. "But it doesn't get easier. Not even when we know, without a doubt, that it's not like they cease to exist. We know they are at peace."

"You're right. It doesn't make it easier." Walking to the couch, I sat beside her. "I wish I could've gotten to Ector sooner and been there for Orphine , but…"

Aios's heart-shaped face tilted to the side as she eyed me. "But what?"

But the list of those I'd brought back to life was adding up, starting with Marisol and ending with Aios . There was even a draken on that list.

Should I have brought any of them back?

Would I have done so with Ector and Orphine if given the chance? My immediate response was yes, but I knew that it wasn't as simple as what I wanted. And it wasn't my new, uncanny sense of knowing that told me that.

"Sera?" Concern filled Aios's voice.

"Sorry. I got a little lost in my thoughts." I clasped my knees. "I was thinking about those I've restored life to and balance. How when there is life, there must be death. Like an exchange."

Aios's brows rose and then furrowed. "Are you saying that when you bring someone back to life…"

"Another dies," I finished for her, thinking about my stepfather. When I'd brought Marisol back, the former King of Lasania had paid for it with his life.

Her face drained of blood. "Did someone else take my place?"

My eyes widened. "No. Gods, I'm sorry. I should've clarified. It only happens with mortals, not gods or draken ."

"Oh, thank the Fates." Aios blinked rapidly as she looked away, her throat working on a swallow. "I wouldn't know what to think if that were the case." Her gaze found mine. "When you brought Gemma back, do you know who…?"

"Who paid for her life with theirs?" I continued. "I don't. And I don't want Gemma learning about this."

Aios nodded slowly. "Agreed. She would likely blame herself."

Marisol would, too, if she ever learned what'd happened. And, gods, that would be super complicated, considering it had been her wife's father who had ended up in death's grip.

"There was another before Gemma," I said, telling Aios about Marisol. "I didn't know what would happen then. Honestly, I didn't even think I would be able to bring her back to life. She was my first mortal."

"Would knowing that another life had to be forfeited have changed what you did?"

A wry grin tugged at my lips. "You asked something similar of me before. And by the way, you were right that day when you said that creating life out of death was in my nature."

Her silver eyes lightened. "I was, but I don't think either of us knew just how right."

"No doubt." I laughed, sliding my palms over my thighs. The last time she'd asked this, it had been about Bele and whether I would've still brought her back if I had known that her Ascension would draw the attention of the other Primals . This time, I put it into words. "I would've still done it to save my stepsister the heartbreak of losing someone she loved." The irony that the act had taken another she loved was cruel. "And if I had gotten to Ector in time or had a chance to save Orphine , I would've. But—" I cut myself off, shaking my head. "Never mind. You don't need to hear any of this."

"No. It's okay." The hem of her gown swayed across the stone floor as she angled her body toward mine. "Please, continue. I find this topic…interesting." Her nose wrinkled. "I feel like that may have been inappropriate to admit."

I raised a brow. "I'm the last person you need to worry about being inappropriate with."

"Actually, you're technically the only person I should worry about my behavior around," she corrected. "You are the Queen."

My heart skipped several beats. Somehow, that fact kept slipping my mind.

"Many of us either weren't born when there was a true Primal of Life or weren't close enough to Eythos to ever hear him speak of what it was like."

"I'm not sure I even know what it's like," I admitted. "But I was just…I was just thinking about knowing when to use the ability to restore life and when not to. Like I can't bring everyone back, but if it really is in my nature, how do I stop it? How do I decide—and I hate using this word—but how do I decide who deserves it and who doesn't?"

You don't.

I stiffened. The voice that whispered in my thoughts was mine, and the knowledge came from my Ascension. "It's not the Primal of Life's place to intervene in the natural order of things," I whispered, but…that was bullshit . "What was natural about how Ector and Orphine died?" I turned to Aios . "Or you. There was nothing natural about what Kyn did when he attacked the Shadowlands. That can't be a part of the natural order of things."

"There was nothing natural about any of that. What Kyn did was unnecessarily cruel," she said, and knowing what I did about the Primal, I didn't doubt that for a moment. "I should've stayed inside." Tears built in her eyes, clouding the pulse of eather . "I don't know what I was thinking when I went out there. I'm not trained to fight like you and Bele, but I thought I could at least help the wounded get inside."

"You're not trained, but you had to do something," I said, choosing my words carefully. "Wanting to help is understandable."

She pressed her lips together. "I know, but…Kyn saw me when he entered the courtyard. He came right for me. And, Fates, I still don't understand why. He knows I'm not a fighter—that I was no threat to him—but he grabbed me and dragged me toward the pikes where the dakkais were feeding on some of the restrained who were still alive." She sucked in a sharp breath. Closing her eyes, she shook her head. I waited in silence until she could speak again, knowing she was seeing in her mind what I was. The lives lost on those pikes, their bodies brutalized in unimaginable ways. Except she'd been there when it happened. "In all the years I've lived, I've never witnessed anything like that. Not even in Dalos . Not even from Kolis."

There was a good chance I stopped breathing. I was betting that Kyn had gone for her because of her time spent held against her will by Kolis. And I also wouldn't be surprised to learn that Kolis had offered Aios to Kyn at some point.

Her fingers twisted the chain at her throat. "Ector saw it happening and tried to stop Kyn, even though he knew he shouldn't. Ector got Kyn good, though. Nearly took his arm off." She hastily wiped her palm over her cheek. "Ector's death was quick. At least, there was that."

Hearing that did bring me some peace, but it didn't dampen my building fury.

Aios cleared her throat. "Kyn may have been following orders to attack the Shadowlands, but he enjoyed it. He likes the pain and fear he inflicts."

Anger rushed to the surface, and I was suddenly standing before I even realized it. The corners of my vision turned a silvery white. "Tell me I can't go to Vathi and rip out Kyn's innards."

"You probably shouldn't do that."

Energy throbbed through me, charging the air. My skin heated. The chandelier began to swing as eather crackled along my skin. "Probably?" That one word dropped from my lips like a clap of thunder, causing Aios to jolt.

"Okay." She drew out the word. "You definitely shouldn't."

"I shouldn't," I hissed. My hands closed into fists as I closed my eyes, counting just as I had in the gilded cage while I sat in that bath. Just as I had when I drove the Ancient bone into Kolis. And as I counted, I willed the essence to calm. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. I opened my eyes. The chandelier no longer swayed. "It would be very un-Primal of Life-like behavior if I did."

"Uh-huh." Aios watched me sit back down. "By the way, your eyes sort of changed color there for a few moments."

"Really?"

She nodded. "The green turned gold. Your eyes were gold and silver."

I opened my mouth, but all I could say was, "Oh."

"They're back to green and silver now." Aios paused. "Your voice also did something different. You spoke out loud, but it was a breathy, hot sound. I know that sounds weird, but that's how it felt. And I also—"

"There's more?"

She nodded tentatively. "I heard your voice inside my head."

My chest clenched. "I don't know how or why that happened."

"I think you might've been going full Primal of Life."

"Did I physically change in appearance?" I asked, thinking about how Ash looked when he did. Then I thought about Kolis in his full Primal form. "Please, tell me I didn't turn into a skeleton."

"What?" Her brows snapped together. "No, your appearance didn't really change."

"Oh, thank the gods—wait." I twisted toward her. "What do you mean by really change?"

"Your skin sort of took on a golden hue," she said. "It was actually very pretty."

I stared at her.

"Truly." Aios smiled so widely it looked painful. "But that was all."

That was all? I almost laughed as I sat back, now wondering what I would look like when I did go full Primal. I'd only seen Ash and Kolis do that.

Giving a shake of my head, I looked at Aios . "I hope I didn't scare you."

"You didn't," she quickly assured.

"Okay. Good." I placed my hands on my legs. "I hate that you had to experience any of what you did, that pain and fear were your last thoughts. That it could've been the last thing Ector or any of the others felt. I'm sorry."

"I know," she whispered.

"And I will make sure Kyn pays for what he did," I promised. "No matter what happens from here with Kolis, Kyn will be punished." Energy hummed through me as I held her gaze, and as I spoke, the words became an oath inked into my very bones. "That, I swear to you, Aios ."

Eather pulsed in her eyes, and they widened. She stiffened. "Sera, you made an oath—"

"I know." I exhaled, lifting my chin. "And I also know that an oath made by a Primal cannot be broken. He will pay, Aios ."

A fierceness I'd never seen before settled into her features. The corners of her lips tightened, and her eyes, normally so full of warmth, filled with the icy flames of vengeance. "I accept your oath."

I smiled. I probably shouldn't have, but I did. "Good."

Aios sat back, running her fingers over the necklace. She cleared her throat, then went on like my first act as Queen wasn't to make an oath to take out another Primal. "Do you think that a natural death versus one that isn't makes a difference? When it comes to mortals, at least?"

"I…I don't know." No feelings or certain knowledge came, but it made me wonder if it did matter. Was there another way to restore the balance? I blew out a breath. "Even if it did, I feel like I'd probably be traveling down the same path Eythos did."

"True." Her lashes lowered, then swept up. " Attes told us about Sotoria and how her soul was in you but you weren't her," she shared. "You were right when you insisted that you weren't the same person."

I shifted, so damn uncomfortable whenever I thought about Sotoria's soul now stuck in a damn diamond. At least I knew Attes would keep her safe.

"Anyway, you're fine, right?" she asked. "The only thing that has changed is your eyes?"

"I was tired upon waking. Slept a lot like Bele did," I shared. "But I feel as I did before."

Something else popped into my head then, bringing a smile to my lips. "So." I drew out the word. "Bele?"

Her forehead creased. "Yes?"

"And you? Together?"

A pretty pink flush stained her cheeks. "We are."

The curve of my lips spread as I pictured them. There likely couldn't be a more beautiful couple. "Is it new, or…?"

"Yes, and no." Her blush deepened as she laughed. "We've been friends for many years, and we were together once before, about—oh, let's see…" The groove between her brows deepened. "Eighteen years ago? Almost nineteen."

I choked on my breath. "I'm sorry. You two were together almost two decades ago?"

"Yes." A small grin appeared. "Why do you look so confounded?"

"Because you speak of two decades like it's two months," I sputtered.

"Compared to the span of a mortal life, it feels like an equivalent comparison." The glow of eather pulsed behind her pupils. "Eventually, two decades will feel like two months to you, too."

Once more, my heart leapt. "I can't even imagine that," I admitted. "Feeling that way. Looking as I do today, two decades or centuries from now. Like…my mind cannot process that."

"It will likely take nearly that length of time for you to do so."

"Probably." A breeze drifted into the chamber, stirring the curtains. "By the way, have you heard from Maia?" I asked. The Primal Goddess of Love, Beauty, and Fertility would've felt Aios's Ascension. "Or do you have any idea how she's handling this?"

"I haven't heard anything, and she hasn't summoned me," she answered. "But we've always been on good terms."

"So, you don't expect her to handle this like Hanan did?" Fearing that Bele would challenge his position after she Ascended, the former Primal God of the Hunt and Divine Justice had put a bounty out on her head.

Aios laughed softly. "No. While Maia may enjoy witnessing conflict and drama from time to time, she does so from afar. She doesn't like to be involved in it herself." She brushed a lock of thick, red hair back. "Maia also knows that I have no interest in ruling Kithreia . She won't be threatened by me."

I hoped it remained that way. I knew very little about Maia, having not met her outside of my coronation, but Ash must've felt some level of trust to go to her to have his kardia removed.

Aios tipped her knees toward me. "By the way, how are you handling everything?"

"Other than not coming to terms with what I am?"

Aios laughed lightly. "Yes. Other than that."

"I'm fine. Perfect, really." I dropped my hand to the arm of the couch. "And regarding the whole Ascending-as-the-true-Primal-of-Life part, I really haven't had much time to think about that. But I'm good."

"I'm relieved to hear that." She drew her lower lip between her teeth. "I didn't expect you to Ascend as the true Primal of Life."

"Yeah, well, neither did I since it should have been impossible."

"Apparently, it wasn't," she remarked dryly.

I cracked a grin. "You know the plan was for him to take the embers and Ascend, but the embers had sorta melded with me—became a part of me. I wouldn't have survived them being removed. Ash knew that and refused to take the embers." My voice thickened, and I swallowed. "He didn't know what would happen if he Ascended me. All he knew was that he couldn't let me die, no matter the risks. It wasn't until afterward that we realized we were heartmates."

"That is almost more shocking than your Ascension." Awe filled Aios's voice. "Such a union of hearts and souls is so rare that I suspect even Maia would be stunned."

I nodded, thinking about my parents. "You know, I always wondered if my mother and father were heartmates. Even as a child, when I wasn't entirely sure such a thing was real. Because my mother never seemed to get over my father's death, even though she remarried. She was always sad, even when she was happy."

"They do say that mates of the heart are linked to create something new or usher in a great change." Aios crossed her ankles. "They could've been destined to bring you into the world, and you…you are the definition of a great change."

But wouldn't that have meant the Fates—the Ancients—had seen everything? The intuition didn't kick in, but I did remember the unexpected thread of fate Holland had spoken of. The one that had broken off while all the others ended in my death.

"Sera?" Aios said softly.

Pulling myself from my thoughts, I focused on her. Aios's smile remained but it had changed. The curve of her lips was now forced. Almost brittle.

"When I asked how you were doing," she said, her gaze flickering over my features, "I wasn't just asking about how you were handling the Ascension."

Every muscle in my body tensed.

A too-long moment passed. "Is it true that…that Kolis believed you to be Sotoria for some time?"

My insides chilled. "How did you know that?" The answer came to me. " Attes ."

She gave me a somewhat sheepish nod. "When he came by, we…well, to be honest, we bombarded him with questions. He didn't give us a lot of detail," she added quickly. "When Nyktos returned with you, and you were in stasis, there wasn't a chance to ask him anything. Not that anyone tried. We knew he wouldn't leave your side." She took a breath. "But no one knew what had happened. Only what we'd heard."

Blood pounded in my ears. "Like what?"

"It was said that you were seen sitting beside Kolis at court," she said. "But when Rhain and others saw you, you were…" She briefly closed her eyes. "You were not free to move about."

I'd been caged. Just as she had. "I was never free to move about. Kolis brought me to court and put me on display," I stated flatly. "Part of the reason was that he knew it would get back to others."

"None of us believed you wanted to be there. None of us," she insisted. "It just made us worry more."

I was holding myself completely still. "What else did you hear?"

"There were whispers that you'd attempted to escape, and we heard that Kolis claimed he hadn't given you and Nyktos permission for the coronation."

Kolis had lied. So had Kyn, who'd witnessed him giving us permission.

"Then only what Rhain said," she continued, and my stomach twisted sharply.

Rhain hadn't told anyone that I'd struck a deal with Kolis in exchange for his freedom. And while he'd been unconscious for the details of the deal, it took no leap of logic to guess what he believed I'd offered.

And I had offered anything Kolis wanted for Rhain's life. Kolis's voice intruded as pressure clamped down on my chest. Then, tonight, we will share the same bed.

What if Rhain's silence had changed?

"And what did he say?" I heard myself ask.

"He said that you convinced Kolis that freeing him was the best way to handle the situation." Her fingers went to the chain again—the very same necklace Rhain had used as a token to communicate with Aios . I'd pretended it was mine. "But I…"

"What?"

She was quiet for several moments. "I just know that your time in Dalos couldn't have been easy."

Feeling my chest tighten, I focused on the mess of clothing as I breathed in. I really didn't see the clothes, though. I saw jeweled, gold-plated chests. Pressing my lips together, I ignored the sting of my fangs scraping the inside of my lips. Hold .

" I know, " she repeated.

Gods, she did. Unfortunately, she had ended up as one of Kolis's favorites. I knew now, without a doubt, that her suspicion that it had been because of her hair color was correct. Breathe out.

"And I just wanted to say that I don't need to know what may have occurred to know that I'm so sorry for whatever you experienced."

"Thank you." Breathe in . My fingers dug into the arm of the couch as I made myself meet her gaze. Hold. "With some help, I was able to convince Kolis that I was Sotoria . Because of that, I…I got lucky."

"Lucky?" she repeated. "Compared to who?"

My ribs felt like they were too small. "To all those not sitting here who are free of Kolis."

Aios's mouth opened and then closed. "Very true." Her fingers continued dancing over the chain. "But I know the whole time I was held and made to listen to him, he only ever spoke about her."

Her .

Sotoria .

Fucking obsessive creep.

My breathing exercises belly-flopped out the window.

"So, I also know that my luck traveled further."

Kolis had never touched any of his past favorites. That wasn't the case for me. My chest shrank until it felt as small as a thimble.

Aios fixed another pained smile on her face. "I just wanted to let you know that if you ever need to talk, I'm here. Okay?"

"Okay," I said, knowing my smile was as wrong as hers. "I appreciate that. I do. But what happened when I was there? It was nothing."

Aios was speaking. Her lips were moving, but all I heard was " it was nothing " echoing over and over. But it was in Veses ' voice. The Primal bitch of Rites and Prosperity had said the same thing in response to what Kolis had done to her. And as much as I hated her for what she'd done to Ash, it hadn't been nothing . What had been done to me wasn't—

Panic blossomed, and while it didn't stir the embers, it did loosen my tongue. "When you were held?" I cut Aios off. "Were there chests in the cage he kept you in?"

Aios went quiet.

I turned my head toward her, knowing her silence was my answer. "I saw what was in them. I know what he had his favorites do with them. So, I don't think your luck could've traveled much further than mine."

Aios blanched, sucking in a sharp breath.

Guilt seized me immediately. "I shouldn't have brought that up. I'm—"

"Don't apologize," she interrupted, eather pulsing brightly in her eyes.

"But I think I need to."

"No, you do not." She leaned in until our faces were inches apart. "I get it, Sera. More than anyone here. Maybe more than even Nyktos . I get it. The anger. The fear. The fucking awkwardness," she said. At any other time, I would've giggled at hearing her curse, but not now. Never now. "The helplessness and the godsdamn choking shame. I know how all that feels. How all those feelings become something worse than any act committed against you." Streaks of eather darted across her irises. "Because that anger, the fear and awkwardness, the helplessness and shame, they get into you. Into your very marrow. And it's hard to claw them back out."

I choked then, dying a hundred times without my heart ever stopping.

"You will say and do anything to avoid feeling or thinking about it, but eventually, you have to." Aios straightened, her features stark. "Because no matter what, Sera, it wasn't nothing ."