CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

Stomach roiling, I stopped at the bottom of the staircase as I heard footsteps coming down the main hall. I focused on my breathing until the churning settled.

The last thing I needed to do was vomit all over Ash's desk after clutching the rim of the sink as I dry-heaved for what seemed like a small eternity. He would never agree to me leaving for Lasania today if I did that.

It had to be the bacon.

Why? I had no idea. I loved the stuff and was in a long-term relationship with it, but the moment I'd smelled the fried meat, I'd thought I might vomit all over the table.

It was probably also the fact that Ash had woken me from another nightmare this morning. When he asked me about it, I'd pretended to have no idea what he was talking about.

He had let it go.

But he'd known.

"Sera?"

I looked up, seeing Bele and Aios coming down the main hall.

No two people could look more different than they did.

Bele was dressed in black from head to toe, her dark hair swept back from her face. Aios wore a bright yellow tunic and white pants, and her cherry-red hair flowed to the middle of her back.

"Why are you just…staring at the floor?" Bele asked, striding into the library.

"I wasn't—" I stopped myself. I had been staring at the floor. "Never mind."

"Exactly." Bele smiled brightly. "By the way, you don't look so good."

I frowned. "Thanks."

"You're welcome."

I stepped away from the stairs and placed my hand against my cheek. I looked over at Aios . "Do I look bad?"

The goddess shook her head.

"She's lying," Bele said. "Only because she's nice."

"Wow." I raised an eyebrow.

"You don't look ill," Aios assured. "You just look a little pale."

"A little?" Bele mumbled under her breath.

"Bele," Aios snapped.

"What?" Bele threw up her hands. "You just said she looked pale."

"I was trying to be supportive," Aios hissed.

"So was I." Bele crossed her arms.

"Wait," I interrupted. "I really look ill?"

"No," Aios quickly answered.

"Yes," Bele said a second later.

"Fates," Aios exclaimed. "I love you. You know I do."

My heart gave a happy little squeeze at the proclamation.

A radiant smile appeared on Bele's face. "I know."

"But you," Aios continued, pointing at her, "seriously need to work on your people skills."

Bele's smile faded.

I smirked even though I felt a wee bit of sympathy for the baby Primal. I, too, needed to work on those skills.

Still, my shoulders slumped thinking about what we'd been talking about. I had looked a little pale, and there had been faint shadows under my eyes when I left the bathing chamber, but I didn't think it was that bad.

The hem of Aios's sunny tunic fluttered at her knees as she spun toward me. "You don't look ill." Behind her, Bele's eyes widened, and her lips squeezed together as she stared at the floor. I knew Aios was just being nice. "You just look like you…didn't sleep well."

"I think I ate something that didn't agree with me," I said, and Aios's brows knitted. "I was feeling a little nauseous—"

"No sh —" Bele caught herself as Aios's head nearly spun on her shoulders. "— ush . No, shush it." Bele clasped her hands together, giving me a big, closed-lipped smile. "You look so, so energetic."

"That's what you were going to say?" I crossed my arms. "Really?"

"Yes." Bele nodded, the curve of her lips growing. Her voice then reached a pitch I'd never heard from her. " Yes . You look well-rested and lively."

"Please stop smiling at me like that."

Bele's smile slowly faded.

"What do you mean you ate something that didn't agree with you?" Aios asked.

I shrugged. "I just felt nauseous after breakfast."

"I've never known a Primal to get sick from food." Her forehead creased. "But then again, you just Ascended." She glanced at Bele. "You felt sick to your stomach a few times afterward, right?"

Bele nodded. "But I never looked like I was half-dead."

"Sweet Fates." Aios's head fell back.

Resisting the urge to will the chandelier to come down on Bele's head, I focused on Aios . "You truly are the most gracious goddess there is."

Her chin lowered, and a small, confused grin appeared. "Well, thank you."

Bele's eyes narrowed on me. "Are you flirting with Aios ? Right in front of me?"

"Yes. That's exactly what I'm doing while married to a Primal of Death." I pinned her with a dry look, catching the glimmer of amusement in her silver eyes. "I'm just pointing out how gracious she is for putting up with you."

Aios laughed softly.

Bele pressed a hand to her chest. "You wound me, mey —"

"Shut up," I cut her off.

"Yes." Bele paused dramatically. "Your Majesty."

I sighed.

Aios pulled Bele's hand from her chest. Their fingers immediately twined. "She's not always so antagonizing."

Bele snorted. "You don't have to lie for me, s o'vit ," she said, causing me to jerk toward her. She dipped her head and dropped a kiss on Aios's temple. "I excel at being antagonizing. It's like a special ability."

A chill crawled its way down my spine. What Bele had called Aios was so close to so'lis , which meant my soul . But it wasn't the same. It was actually sweet. So, I ignored the feeling of spiders crawling over my skin. "My life," I murmured, clearing my throat. "You're adorable, Bele."

She extended the middle finger of her free hand, the nail painted black. "Is this adorable?"

"It makes me want to flirt with you now," I replied.

Bele laughed as I glanced at Aios . She was watching me, her lips mashed together as if she were physically restraining herself from saying something.

I quickly looked away and ran my fingers down my braid. "I need to get going."

"Heading to talk to Attes ?" The humor vanished from Bele's striking features. "I was in the office when Ash told him about Veses showing up. He was pissed. I hope he fucking destroys her. Does that make me a bad person?"

"Yes," Aios and I said at the same time, even though I was kind of hoping the same thing.

The Primal pouted. "I expected that response from her." She nodded at Aios . "But you used to be more fun."

I arched a brow. "How would you know if I was more fun? You don't really know me, Bele."

"Oh, I know you." She wrapped her arms around Aios's waist and moved to stand behind her. "My absurdity recognizes your absurdity."

Fingers halting on my braid, I stared at her.

"Or it used to." Bele rested her chin on Aios's shoulder. She squinted her eyes at me. "Wait a second. Your absurdity is still in there. It's just leashed."

"I don't know if I should feel complimented or insulted," I drawled.

"Well," Bele began.

"Or just really confused," I added.

Aios lightly smacked the arm around her waist. "What Bele is trying to say is that she senses your…temperament."

"It comes with the Court lineage. The whole Hunt and Divine Justice thing," Bele explained. "Sensing one's temperament—"

"Allows you to be a better hunter," I finished for her, either my foresight or my knowledge kicking in.

"And to deliver divine justice," Bele said as Aios smoothed a hand across her arm. "Sensing someone's natural temperament helps to know if someone's act was a one-off or something in their nature."

"Makes sense." Twisting the end of my braid, I shifted my weight from one foot to the other. "So, my absurdity ? What exactly does that mean? And what does it tell you?"

"It means you're someone who would shadowstep to a whole-ass different Court without ever shadowstepping anywhere by yourself before."

"I knew I would be fine," I denied.

Both of Bele's brows rose. "Sure," she said, and I rolled my eyes. "Anyway, you're impulsive."

Knee-jerk reactions. Ash would agree with her.

"You're easily distracted." Bele's words snapped my attention back to her. She smirked. "Hot-tempered. Violent if provoked. And, sometimes, even when you're not all that provoked."

"I feel attacked," I muttered.

Streaks of eather flared in Bele's eyes. "You're wild and reckless in a way that borders on having a death wish," she continued, her voice carrying a hum of power. "You have a vengeful nature."

My nose scrunched. "You can stop now."

"Good luck with that," Aios murmured, leaning into Bele. "She's in the zone."

She was definitely somewhere…creepy. Her stare was unblinking, and a faint luminous glow filled the veins of her cheeks as she fixated on me—or looked into me. "You don't think enough, yet you're an overthinker. You can switch from joy to rage in a snap. The only thing predictable about you is that you're unpredictable."

Our gazes met. The silky threads of power in her voice and the swirling wisps of eather were eerily mesmerizing.

"But you're also loyal and dedicated. Caring. You have a strong sense of what is wrong and what is right, even if you operate in the middle." Bele blinked, and the eather dimmed. When she spoke again, the tendrils of power were gone. "Your nature is in juxtaposition with itself. A certain brand of absurdity just like mine—poor people skills included." She winked before nipping at Aios's neck, causing the goddess to squeak. "But as I said before, you've got a lot of that leashed right now."

I honestly had no idea what to say to any of that. What she said felt really spot-on, but for some reason, I was uncomfortable with what she'd sensed. She'd missed an adjective in her long list. Monstrous. But maybe that was the part I had leashed. And if so, shouldn't that make me happy? I should be less impulsive, or in Bele's words, less my own personal brand of absurd—

I stopped myself. "Why am I even standing here talking about this with you?"

"I was wondering the same thing," Bele said.

"Gods, you're annoying." I smiled at Aios . "You are not."

The goddess grinned.

"You're welcome, by the way," Bele shouted. "You don't look half-dead anymore."

I flipped her off and walked past the empty pedestal—I really needed to put something on that thing.

Ignoring the new Primal's laughter, I made my way down the hall. My stomach had stopped turning over. Maybe Bele's caustic attitude had an oddly calming effect on me.

The doors to Ash's office were open, and my gaze, like always, immediately connected with his. He sat with his booted feet resting on the edge of the desk and one hand on the dark surface. Long fingers tapped slowly as his eyes narrowed slightly. I hoped I didn't still look pale or, according to Bele, like death warmed over.

Pulling my gaze from Ash's, I took stock of the office. The items I'd requested the day before now occupied some of the space. Two dove-gray chairs had been placed across from the settee, and Saion sat on one. But that wasn't all. Another end table, this one round, had been positioned between the chairs. And they weren't the only new additions. A table had been brought in and put behind the settee, where Rhain sat. Two pitchers and several glasses were on the narrow stand.

I mouthed thank you to Rhain as I walked through the pillared alcove. He gave me a quick nod in return as Ash motioned me to him with a curled finger.

I walked around the desk, spying a slender black box almost the length of my forearm on the credenza.

" Attes said he had some news to share." Ash dropped his other foot to the floor and took my hand. He tugged me down until I sat in his lap. "We were waiting for you to join us."

My stomach flipped unsteadily, and the response had nothing to do with my earlier nausea. Still, I breathed in deeply. Fresh citrus and clean air surrounded me—not choking, stale lilacs.

Ash leaned in, speaking low as Rhain rose and retrieved the pitcher from the stand, pouring two glasses of water. "Are you feeling well?"

So I still looked like death warmed over. Great.

Sighing, I nodded.

He kissed my temple before leaning back and turning his focus to Attes . "What is your news?" Ash asked, his hand curving over my hip.

"I still have eyes in Dalos ," Attes began. "And I know that Kolis hasn't been seen at court as much as usual."

Attes still had a spy in Dalos ? It wasn't Elias, who had become one of Kolis's trusted guards. He was now in Attes's Court. So, who was it?

The skin beneath my left ear tingled, and an image of a goddess with long, dark hair and rich, brown skin formed in my mind. "Dametria."

Attes stiffened. "How did you—?" His shoulders relaxed. " Vadentia ."

I nodded. "I met her briefly and thought she acted different than the other gods who visited Kolis. She didn't…" I trailed off as memories of how Kolis had put me on display threatened to surface. I didn't want to think about any of that. I didn't need to.

"She didn't what?" Ash asked quietly.

"She didn't act like an asshole," I told him, which was true. "She's safe there?"

"For now," Attes said. That wasn't exactly reassuring. "Word is his favorite golden fuck has been running interference for him, along with Varus."

I knew the golden fuck was Callum, but the second one was unfamiliar.

"Varus of Kithreia ?" Ash stiffened behind me as Attes nodded. "My father entombed him."

"I know. I aided him in doing so, along with…my brother." Attes picked up his glass and drank deeply. "I believe he must've escaped when Veses had her draken attack the Red Woods."

Rhahar cursed. "We checked and double-checked to make sure we got all those who were entombed."

"We must've assumed he was one of the ones killed without much left behind," Rhain said, shaking his head. "I'm sorry. We should—"

"It's okay." Ash lifted a hand. "It would be impossible to know for sure that all who escaped were recaptured. The blame for this does not lay at the feet of anyone in this room."

It was Veses ' fault.

Anger sparked, causing eather to throb hotly through me. A charge of energy stroked the air, drawing the Primals ' gazes to me.

Attes raised a brow. "You okay?"

"Yeah, sorry about that."

A quick grin appeared on Attes's face. "While Callum and Varus have been speaking for Kolis, one particular visitor has spent a lot of time with him, in what I can only assume is an attempt to ensure he has their support." Attes shifted back in his chair. " Phanos ."

"First off," I began, "it pisses me off that he is having meetings. And secondly, there is no way Phanos will give him support."

"I wouldn't be too sure of that," Saion stated.

"Seriously?" Shock filled my voice. "Kolis made Phanos sacrifice so many of the ceeren —something he obviously wasn't thrilled with. I saw the sorrow in his eyes."

A muscle ticked in Saion's jaw. " Phanos doesn't like to make waves."

"Nice pun," Attes noted.

"Thank you." Saion then continued. "Look, Phanos doesn't particularly like Kolis. I don't think any of the Primals do."

"Except his brother," Rhain pointed out with a nod at Attes .

"Clearly, I was the twin born with intelligence and good looks," Attes said, but his usual humor was missing from his voice.

Saion smirked at that. "But Phanos can be very…self-involved."

"Name one Primal who isn't self-involved," I said, and when Attes opened his mouth, I added, "Besides Nyktos ."

Attes pressed a palm to his chest as if he were wounded. I rolled my eyes.

"Oh, I'm self-involved," Ash said, his arm briefly tightening around me. "And I am just as selfish." His eyes met mine when I looked over my shoulder. "And you know that."

Denial rose to the tip of my tongue, but I wouldn't be sitting here if he wasn't selfish. Then again, was saving my life really that selfish? Yes? No? Probably a little of both.

"Do not forget that, at the end of the day, this is the same Primal who drowned a city," Saion reminded me. "Simply because those living there ceased to honor him by endangering their lives."

"I haven't forgotten that." Blowing out an aggravated breath, I drew the braid over my shoulder. "He was upset about the loss of those ceeren . Why would he not want justice for that? Or, at the very least, want to avoid being put in that situation again?"

Rhahar rubbed his chin and shook his head. "Because seeking that justice could negatively affect him."

"And not seeking it will still negatively affect him," I pointed out. "It's not like we're going anywhere. No matter what side he chooses, if Kolis doesn't take the offered deal, there are still two sides."

"Exactly," Ash said, moving his thumb down the curve of my hip. " Phanos may see himself as damned if he does, and damned if he doesn't. Most in that situation would side with who they believe poses the least risk."

"Then what?" I started twisting the end of my braid between my fingers. "That's basically saying he believes Kolis will remain as he was."

"He has no reason not to think that. Phanos doesn't know you. He doesn't know what you are and aren't capable of," Ash stated. "But he knows Kolis. And he knows how vindictive he can be."

Pressing my lips together, I turned my attention to the empty shelves. Phanos had to feel what happened here in the Shadowlands when I brought the river back. So he knew I was capable of something . But I'd suspected that, hadn't I? That many of the Primals wouldn't immediately jump on board and be okay with the idea of me being Queen. Ash and I had even discussed it.

" Phanos knows you, though," Rhain spoke to Ash. "He has to be worried about standing against you if it comes down to it."

Ash's tone was pure ice and shadows when he said, "He'd better be."

"What we need to keep in mind is that Phanos may side with Kolis now, but you will have a chance to convince him otherwise," Attes reminded. "Both of you will once the eirini ends."

I nodded slowly. "You're right." I met Ash's gaze. "We will."

Because we had to.

Phanos had the second-largest army, and if it came down to war, we needed him on our side.

I stared at the small, oval dining table that had been brought into Ash's office as I waited for Nektas to arrive. Attes had heard Lailah's voice and roamed off.

There were several ledgers on the table and a pitcher of water.

Nervous energy buzzed through me, making it hard to pay attention to any one thing.

I would see Ezra and Marisol in a few short hours. Maybe even my mother.

Excitement and anxiety crashed together. How would they respond to seeing me when, thanks to my eyes and fangs, it wasn't like I could hide that I had changed? And should I share with them what I'd become? I knew I could if I wanted to, but I didn't want them to see me differently—well, more so than they likely already would.

Ash looked up from where he sat behind his desk. "What's on your mind?"

"Nothing."

Head tilting, his gaze shifted back to the parchment. "You sure about that?"

I nodded.

"I feel like we're about to have a repeat of last night," he remarked.

"Which part of last night?"

Ash's gaze flicked up, once more meeting mine. "Both."

Heat hit my blood as my mind bypassed the talking portion of last night and went straight to the fucking-me-until-I-fell-asleep part.

Ash started to lower the parchment as his citrusy scent reached me.

Reminding myself that Nektas would be showing soon, I forced my mind to more appropriate things. Once my blood had cooled, I refocused on my eather lessons .

"Shit." Ash's head jerked back. "I forgot."

"Forgot what?" Curiosity surged as Ash didn't answer but instead rose and turned to the credenza. When he faced me, he held the slim, black box I'd seen earlier.

He sat beside me. "I can't believe I forgot this." He offered me the box. "It's for you."

I took it. The weight immediately felt familiar. The whole thing did, except it had been Ector who had delivered it the first time. My eyes flew to Ash's as my heart skipped a beat.

"Open it," he urged.

I unfolded my legs and ran my thumb along the seam of the smooth wood. Slowly, I cracked it open.

A slight tremor ran down my arm as I stared at the stunning dagger cradled in the same cream cloth. It was somehow more beautiful than the last one he'd gifted me. The hilt was crafted from the same kind of lightweight, white material, but that was where the similarities ended. The pommel had been carved into a full moon, and etched into the grip were silver flames. Carved into the cross guard was the same swirling vine pattern as seen on the throne doors.

Wordless, I gripped the hilt and began pulling it free of its black sheath.

"Careful with the blade," Ash warned.

The moment I saw it, I understood. My lips parted. This was no shadowstone dagger. The blade was slender and a dull white, sharpened into a fine, deadly point.

"This is made from the bone of an Ancient, isn't it?" I whispered, my voice hoarse.

"It is."

I swallowed, but a knot formed in my throat anyway. "How…?"

" Attes cleaved it from his bone spear," he said. "And yes, he agreed to do it without me having to punch him."

A shaky laugh escaped me as I stared down at the dagger. The blade wasn't bare. Carefully chiseled into the bone with meticulous attention to detail in each stroke of fur and curve of ear was a wolf, its jaws open, baring teeth and breathing fire.

"He…he made this?" I asked, the piece of art blurring.

"He did," Ash said. "Carvings and all. I asked him if he could the last time he was here."

Wonder filled me as I shook my head. "Wow."

He caught a stray curl and tucked it behind my ear. "I thought this one would be more personalized and symbolic." His fingers lingered for a moment and then glided down my arm. "You're the hand that wields the blade."

My breath snagged. "‘A silver beast with blood seeping from its jaws of fire…'"

"‘Bathed in the flames of the brightest moon,'" he finished, his head tilting slightly. "Are you all right?"

Sucking in a shallow breath, I blinked several times. "Yes. It's so beautiful, and I'm just…" I struggled to contain the riot of emotions building in me. "I don't remember if I told you this or not, but I was never given gifts. Not during the Rites or for my birthday. It didn't bother me before—or at least that was what I told myself."

Ash had fallen silent as I spoke. I cleared my throat. "It seemed silly to feel bad about not getting gifts when so many people went to bed with empty bellies and no roofs over their heads, but I did care. Not because I wanted things. I just wanted to…"

"You wanted to be thought of," he said.

I nodded, feeling my chest squeeze. "The shadowstone dagger you gave me before was my first gift. It will always be special to me." Our eyes met. "Just as this one will be. Thank you."

"You're welcome." He dipped his head and kissed me. When his mouth lifted, he rested his head on mine. "Have I told you today how much I loathe your mother?"

"Not today."

Ash was quiet for a moment. "Do you think you will see her later?"

"I…I don't know. It all depends on if she is with Ezra."

"And if she isn't?" he asked. "Will you look for her?"

"I'm not sure." Things were complicated between my mother and me. I hoped we could maybe repair our relationship someday, but Ash's anger on my behalf went a long way to healing some of those long-festering wounds. Maybe that was a little messed up, but it was true. And it also made me want to be better—better at being Queen, the Primal of Life…at everything. But most importantly, his wife. His partner. I knew where to start. Well, I knew several ways to start.

"I promise I won't throw this one at you," I swore.

Ash let out a loud and deep laugh. "I don't know if I should be pleased or disappointed to hear that."

Careful not to touch the bone, I slid the dagger back into its sheath and put it and the wooden box on the table before turning to him. My heart was pounding even faster. "Do you need to feed?"

Thick lashes lowered. "No, liessa ."

The same messy mix of relief and disappointment hit me, leaving me feeling as if my skin was too tight. "Are you sure?"

"I am."

I clasped his cheeks. His skin was cool but didn't feel as cold as before. "Is it my imagination again, or does your skin not feel as cold?"

"It's not your imagination." Turning his head, he kissed my palm. "It's just my blood regenerating."

My brows knitted. "That's faster than normal."

"I believe it's because of you rising as the true Primal of Life," he explained. "The essence is already strengthening in me."

Which meant it was already strengthening in the other Primals . Including Kolis.

There wasn't much time to dwell on the realization that the Primals were all strengthening. Rhain and Nektas joined us soon after.

The god didn't look all that thrilled by the news of where I was headed. I knew he was thinking about what had happened the last time we'd left for the mortal realm.

"I won't be gone long," I assured Rhain like I had last night with Ash.

He nodded from where he stood by the doors, his arms crossed.

"And I promise I won't get into any fights," I added, seeking to ease his obvious concern. "Or even tell anyone who I am now."

" Liessa ," Ash drawled. "Any mortal who crosses paths with you will know."

"Because they will sense it?" I figured.

"That,"—his lips twitched—"and your eyes."

I frowned. "Oh, yeah."

"Did you forget about that?"

"No." I laughed.

Ash arched a brow.

"I didn't. Anyway…" I drew out the word. "Are we traveling to the gateway?"

"You're a Primal now." Ash tucked the same curl behind my ear. "You don't need to use the gateways. You can shadowstep ."

"Oh." I smoothed my hands over my hips, suddenly nervous. My right hand moved lower, brushing over the hilt of the bone dagger. Ash had found a thigh sheath for me. Touching the grip calmed me a little. "Like when I shadowstepped into Vathi?"

"Wait." Nektas stepped forward, his brow furrowed. "This will only be your second time shadowstepping ?"

I folded my arms. "Maybe."

"It's easy," Ash said.

"More like it's going to be interesting," Nektas remarked.

"Well, that's really helpful." I saw Rhain's lips split into a grin, and my eyes narrowed on the god.

"You know what to do," Ash began. "All you have to do is focus."

"Good luck with that," Rhain said.

"You know,"—I started turning toward him—"your presence here isn't really necessary—"

"You will focus," Ash repeated, curling his fingers around my chin and guiding my gaze back to his. "And think of where you want to go. Then will yourself there."

"I know."

Ash's chin dipped. "Just don't overthink it."

"I'm not."

" Liessa ," he murmured.

"Whatever." I exhaled loudly, trying to shake off the nerves. "I know what to do. Will it and get it."

Ash nodded. "Coming back is no different." His gaze swept over my features. "It should only take you seconds."

I nodded, trying to shake off the nerves. I knew what to do. I understood how moving between the realms worked, but shadowstepping into the mortal realm felt vastly different than stepping into Vathi. And yeah, I hadn't thought about doing it when I went to Vathi. I just did it. Now, I had to think about it, and the damn draken wasn't helping.

"Why did Nektas say this should be interesting if it's so easy and we're basically just moving super-fast?"

Ash shot a glare over my head. "Because he was being an ass."

"True," the draken replied.

"Ignore him." Ash sent Nektas one last look of warning before cupping my cheeks. "Think of someplace within the grounds of the palace. That way, you won't have to worry about getting past any guards." His eyes searched mine. "Okay?"

"Okay."

"You've got this." Ash held my gaze for a moment longer, then his lips met mine. The kiss was soft and infinitely tender. It was a kiss of sweet devotion.

He pressed his forehead to mine. "I'll be waiting."

"I know," I whispered, stepping back as he let go.

I turned to Nektas and took a deep breath, holding it for five seconds. "You ready?"

The draken raised a brow. "Are you?"

"Yes."

Nektas lifted his hands for me to take. Feeling his slightly rough, warm palms against mine, I thought of the one place I knew I could conjure up a realistic image of.

The garden.

I pictured the silvery green bushes with their purplish-blue spikes and the stone bench before them. Nepeta blue, my mother had called them.

The flowers my father had favored.

Holding on to that image, I summoned the eather . It rose in a hot rush and spread throughout my entire body. I took another shallow breath and then willed us to Wayfair Palace's gardens.