CHAPTER TWENTY

CHAPTER TWENTY

Aydun returned me—with warning this time—to the Shadowlands.

As the mist faded, I saw bare shelves.

Then, I was in Ash's arms, one wrapped around my waist while the fingers of his other sank into my hair. I held him just as tightly, feeling his heart pounding against my chest as I soaked in his citrusy fresh scent and the feel of his body.

" Liessa ," he murmured, his mouth against the side of my head. Neither of us moved for several moments, and then he leaned back. Eather-drenched eyes searched mine. "What did he do?"

"He was…he was just being an asshole." My fingers splayed across his side. "Some of his abilities—like the syhkik — have returned to him. But I'm okay," I assured him before he answered. "I swear."

A faint shudder went through him, and then his lips found mine as he cupped my cheeks, tilting my head back. I rose onto the toes of my boots and placed my hands against his chest. The kiss deepened, and he tasted me, drank me in.

A throat cleared.

Ash slowly ended the kiss, but he didn't break away. His forehead rested against mine. He was breathing just as raggedly as I was.

I wet my lips. "I'm guessing you didn't leave for Vathi?"

"I think you know the answer to that," a gravelly voice drawled from behind Ash.

My fingers curled into Ash's tunic. "Did you have to sit on Ash to keep him here?"

"Pretty much," Nektas answered. "For a moment there, I didn't think I would be able to stop him."

"I'm sorry," I whispered to Ash. "I know it's not my fault, but I'm sure this couldn't have been easy for you."

His thumb swept over my cheek. "It wasn't." Lifting his head, he pressed a kiss to my forehead. "Do you need anything? Food? Something to drink?"

A wry smile tugged at my lips. "I wasn't gone that long."

"Any length of time is too long."

Feeling that in my soul, I smiled. "I'm good for now."

"If you change your mind, let me know." His lips touched my temple before he stepped aside.

Nektas sat in one of the chairs in front of the desk. Rhain was seated in the other. Both were watching us. The former had a small grin on his face. The god looked surprised. Again.

Feeling my cheeks warm, I cleared my throat. "Have you both—?" I stopped, looking behind me. The space was empty.

"If you're looking for the Fate," Rhain said, lifting a short glass to his lips and taking a sip, "he vanished the moment Nyktos reached you."

"Well, that's probably for the best." I glanced at Ash. His attention was fixed on me. "By the way, he now thinks I'm the calm one out of the two of us."

Rhain choked.

My narrowed gaze swung to the god. He was bent over in his chair, eyes watering. "Sorry," he gasped. "Went down the wrong pipe."

"Sure, it did," I replied dryly. "But that probably changed after the meeting."

Ash raised a brow. "How so?"

"I sort of might have killed Callum," I shared as Ash walked us toward the settee. "Twice."

Nektas snorted while Rhain wiped at his mouth with the back of his hand, and Ash sat, pulling me into his lap.

I felt a small jolt of unease, but I shut it down. I would not allow my fucked-up mind to do this to me. To us. I liked being this close to Ash, and it wasn't that long ago that he'd abhorred the touch of another. This openness between us was too important for me to ruin.

"What did he do?" Ash asked.

I forced myself to relax against his chest. "Breathe in my direction?"

"Besides that." Ash's hand slid from where it lay on my thigh to rest over my midsection.

"Honestly, he just annoyed me," I admitted. "I don't have a better reason than that."

The tips of Ash's fangs grazed his lower lip as he grinned. "Did anyone else annoy you?"

"Yes." The image of Kyn formed. "But none met the same fate." I tucked several thick curls behind my ear and decided to start with one of the more pressing issues. "Kolis looks like shit, by the way."

Ash's arm momentarily tightened, and Rhain's stare sharpened. "What do you mean?"

"His abilities are getting stronger, but I don't think he's fully recovered. He moved slowly. Looked thinner." I dropped my hand to the arm around my waist. "There were shadows under his eyes and below his cheekbones."

Rhain sat back with a shake of his head. "He should at least appear physically well by now." His eyes met mine. "Man, you must've really done a number on him."

"She did," Ash said, and the pride in his voice brought a smile to my lips even though I knew Kolis wouldn't remain that way. "What did he want?"

The smile faded. "He wanted to make a deal."

"A deal?" Rhain repeated.

"He offered what I assume he thought would be a truce."

"Did he now?" Ash's voice was level, but the temperature in the office dropped.

"He said he'd let us live out our lives in the Shadowlands and promised not to seek vengeance." I looked at Rhain and Nektas . "The others who have, as he put it, ‘conspired against him,' would face punishment."

"And he would do what? Rule as the Primal of Death?" Rhain demanded.

I nodded.

The god leaned back, shaking his head as Ash asked, "And what did he want in return?"

My gaze met his. " Sotoria ."

"Fucking Fates," he muttered, his jaw clenching.

"Wait a moment." Rhain lowered his glass to the knee of his dark gray breeches. "That's all he wanted?"

"All?" I sat straighter. "Yes, all he wants is the woman he got killed, brought back to life, assaulted, stalked—"

"Rhain meant no offense." Ash patted my belly.

"I didn't. Truly. I know Sotoria has suffered at his hands in ways I cannot imagine," the god was quick to say. "I didn't mean for it to be taken as if I thought that wasn't something significant. I just wasn't prepared for him to even offer a deal."

Realizing that I may have been a little too quick there, I nodded. "And he knows Sotoria's soul isn't in me."

Ash's head turned toward mine. "What?"

"He figured it out. The Star and your father's soul," I told him. Essence pulsed behind his pupils. Clearly, he wasn't happy to hear that. "I didn't accept the deal."

"I don't think any of us believed you would," Nektas stated.

Ash's head tilted as he eyed me. "Why do you sound like you're uncertain about that decision?"

"I'm not. I just…" I shook my head as I stared at Ash's forearm. "I mean, I didn't have a chance to accept or reject it, and I'll get to that in a moment, but before we entered Cor Palace, Aydun told me that preventing war among the Primals was not seen in any of the threads, but that I—I guess everything from my birth to my Ascension—kept snipping threads, ending some and changing others. It gave me the impression that I—or the choices I help make—could possibly prevent war."

The office was quiet.

"And he warned me that a war among the Primals would disturb the Ancients who'd gone to ground."

"Disturbing them is not the same as waking them," Ash pointed out.

"It's not, but I think it would make them more likely to awaken," I said. "He also said that the war wouldn't be won until there was blood and bone."

Ash frowned. "Won until life and death? What is that supposed to mean?"

"I don't know. And he wasn't into explaining things. Maybe he meant it in a figurative sense. Like the war wouldn't be won until there was life and death." My brow knitted. I knew he couldn't have been talking about a Primal of Blood and Bone because that wouldn't be helpful whatsoever. "But that doesn't really make sense."

"Unless he meant it in the sense that, for a war to end, the Primals of Life and Death must come together," Rhain suggested, his forehead creasing. "To no longer be at odds with each other."

"That's not going to happen," Ash said.

I couldn't stop the doubt from creeping in. "But by refusing to give him Sotoria , I'm choosing one person over potentially thousands, if not more."

Nektas leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. "If one life isn't important enough, then no lives are."

"It's not just that," Ash said. "There's no way he will honor the deal once he has what he wants."

"Aydun said that if Kolis went back on his deal, there would be consequences. That the realm would seek to rectify it," I said. "I guess it's like when an oath is made."

"Yeah, but none of that means he can't go back on it," Ash reminded me.

"I know. I thought the same." But would Kolis be willing to risk pissing off the Fates and have them do something to Sotoria ? Possibly not.

Restless energy surged. "That's not all." I slipped from Ash's lap. He held on for a second before letting go. I walked past the end table and then turned back to them. "I had to counter. I wasn't happy about being unable to talk to you beforehand, but I…I made him a similar deal."

The office went quiet again.

My heart kicked against my ribs as I started to pace. "I figured that would be the response, and I know none of you believes that Kolis wants to avoid a war, but even if he plans to renege on the deal he offered, he is still showing restraint."

The air chilled even further.

"He is," I insisted, mostly to Ash. "He knows that Sotoria's soul is in The Star. He could simply tear apart the realm looking for it, which is an act that would erupt into war."

"She has a point there," Rhain said.

"Or he simply fears that if he were to do that, you would do something to The Star," Ash countered.

"True, but again, that shows he's being somewhat logical."

"What did you offer?" Nektas jumped in.

"My first thought was to offer him nothing, but that didn't seem like what a true Primal of Life would do. So, I offered that he could remain in Dalos but would not rule Iliseeum or the Shadowlands. He would renounce the throne and could not seek retribution against anyone," I told them. "In return, we would let him live out his life."

The three of them stared at me.

I started pacing again. "I know that's not desirable."

"That is the understatement of the century, Sera," Ash said.

"Yeah." I twisted my fingers around a strand of hair. "I know. But—"

"There's a but ?" Ash questioned.

I stopped and met his stare. Or glare. The look was somewhere in between. "But I thought about Sotoria's soul and how I couldn't do that to her, even for a chance to ensure our safety. And I would do anything for that. Anything but that." My voice thickened. "And I realized that if one life is that important, then how can the lives of gods and mortals not be more important than our vengeance? Our anger? It can't be that way."

Silence greeted me, and what felt like my entire insides started to squirm. "Say something," I ordered Ash.

He leaned forward, propping his elbow on his knee. "You really, truly believe that Kolis doesn't want war?"

Obviously, I did. Well, I mostly did. Like, I was ninety-nine percent sure, but uncertainty rose. I wasn't sure how to answer. "I…I know you think my opinion is influenced by how he acted when he believed I was Sotoria , but even before that—the very first time I spoke to him in Dalos —he didn't speak of war."

"Instead, he spoke of killing all the Primals who stood against him," Ash countered. "How is that not war?"

"I see what you're saying, but I think…I think he was running his mouth. Wanting to scare me." My fingers tightened around my hair. "And I'm not saying his plan to kill those who stood against him changed, not even when he believed I was Sotoria . Later, he spoke of giving them the choice to stand with him instead of flat-out killing them. And yeah, that's not much of an option, but he also knew that most Primals would not go against him if he rose as the Primal of Blood and Bone."

Ash's expression was unreadable. "Kolis says a lot, Sera."

"I know. He is aware of his limitations, and I think he knows how tenuous his hold would become if another challenged his power. I mean, he absolutely hated when I used the eather around him, and I don't think it was because he was afraid of me or anything like that."

Nektas cocked his head. "What do you mean?"

"He doesn't like to be challenged."

Ash's jaw flexed. "That, I know."

"But it's about more than just his ego," I told him. "I think it was because he didn't want anyone else to see that I could challenge him."

Ash's head tilted. "And how does that have nothing to do with his ego?"

"I…I don't know. I'm not explaining it clearly enough." Frustrated, I shoved a curl away from my face, searching for how to convey what I felt when it came to dealing with Kolis. "Look, I don't think Kolis is reasonable when it comes to anything that doesn't line up with what he wants, but he knows what war would do to the realms. He doesn't want to rule over a pile of bones. He will seek to prevent that, which in his own shitty way, he's trying to do. If there's a sliver of a chance that he will abdicate the throne, then how can we not pursue that?"

Ash didn't respond for several long moments. "We spoke about entombing him. If we were to do that now, it would mean we've reneged."

My stomach churned. "I know." A muscle ticked in Ash's jaw, and my chest tightened. Did I make the right choices?

"There is no right or wrong choice," Nektas said, and I turned to him. Did I speak out loud? He was focused on Ash. "Peace should always be attempted first."

Ash sat back. "Even if that peace comes with a threat looming over our heads? Do we continue to live like that?"

"That's what your father would've chosen," Nektas said quietly.

"And look what that got him," Ash shot back.

"You think he didn't know the risks of refusing his brother? He did. But he had to think of everyone else. That is what a King does." Nektas held Ash's stare. "That has never been what Kolis has done, but that is what Sera is trying to do."

"I don't think Sera made the wrong choice," Ash insisted as he shifted toward me. "I don't."

Then what did he think? Because it sure didn't seem like he agreed with what I did.

"Okay." Rhain held up a hand. "What was his response?"

"He didn't accept or turn the deal down," I said. "Neither did I. I think Aydun likely sensed we were both going to say no, so he told us we had time to think it over. We have about a month."

"We should continue as we've planned then," Rhain said, setting his glass on the tray behind him. "Summon the Primals . Gain support. Nothing has changed."

Folding my arms over my waist, I nodded absently. Rhain was right. Nothing had changed.

But like before, I couldn't shake the feeling that everything had.

After Rhain and Nektas left, Ash and I sat in silence for a little while.

"Rhain is right. We should continue as planned," Ash said as he rose from the settee.

"Agreed." Nibbling on a fingernail, I watched him walk to the desk and pour himself a drink from the decanter.

It wasn't often that I wished I had his ability to sense emotion, but now was one of those times. I couldn't tell if he was angry or disappointed in me for offering the deal. If it was the former, I could deal with anger. Disappointment, though? My stomach churned. That would be harder to face.

But I knew he disagreed with what I'd decided. That much was clear.

He looked over at me. "Something to drink?"

"Water is fine."

"I will head to Vathi in the morning." Ash poured from the pitcher. "I think it would be wise to let Attes know about the deals."

I nodded. "He won't be happy to hear what Kolis asked for."

Lowering the decanter, Ash's head tilted, and his brow furrowed in perplexity.

"He knew her when Kolis brought her back and kept her captive. I don't know why Kolis allowed that, but Attes grew to care for her," I explained, folding my other arm over my waist. "I think it may have been more than that, honestly."

"If that is the case, then I feel bad for the bastard."

Well, I guessed feeling empathy for him was a step in the right direction. "I think it's also a good idea for Attes to keep The Star, at least for now, since Kolis believes we have it."

Ash nodded. "Would you like the water?" he asked as he approached. "Or would you like to continue chewing away at your finger?"

I narrowed my eyes at him and took the glass. "Thank you."

"Mm-hmm." He turned and took a drink. "Is that what you're anxious about?"

Holding the glass to my chest, I frowned. "What?"

"You're projecting anxiety. It tastes like syrup but carries the tartness of unease. It's not what I normally pick up from you when you're anxious."

Normally ? I made a face.

Turning, he leaned against the edge of the desk. "Though I don't think it's Attes that has you this anxious."

It wasn't.

His eyes met mine over the rim of his glass. "Talk to me."

I took a drink, wishing I had opted for the whiskey. There were times when I was good at talking, especially when I was running my mouth, but these kinds of conversations? Well, I sucked at them.

But Ash was likely already aware of that.

Hand tightening around the glass, I looked up. "Are you…are you mad at me?"

A crease formed between his brows as he lowered his drink. "What?"

"Because of the deal I offered," I hurried on. "Or are you disappointed?"

"Sera," he said, setting his glass aside. "I'm not mad at you, nor am I disappointed in you."

I should've felt relief upon hearing that, but I didn't. "You're feeling something about it, though."

"Yeah." He laughed, thrusting a hand through his hair. "I'm feeling a lot of different things about it. Namely frustration."

"With me?"

"A little, but mostly with myself."

My head jerked back. "Why?"

"Because instead of spending time threatening the Arae and then fucking, I should've been thinking."

"I'm not sure I can agree with that second part," I said.

A wry grin appeared as he picked up his glass again. "If I had stopped for a moment to think about it, I would've realized there was a chance that Kolis would pull something like this. I could've prepared you for having to make an offer. We would've talked it through."

Could've . Would've . I hated those words. "I don't think any of us believed Kolis would demand a meeting or offer a deal," I reasoned.

"But I know him. I should have expected this." His gaze came back to mine. "From the moment we met in the Garden District, you have always been the stab-first-and-ask-questions-later type." He dropped his hand. "In both the figurative and literal senses."

My lips pursed.

"You'll strike first before anyone else can get the upper hand," he added. "You're not one to give many a chance."

"I can't exactly deny that," I said.

"That's changed."'

"I…I don't think that's how a Queen would behave," I admitted.

He took a drink. "And how does a Queen behave, Sera?"

"I don't know." I shrugged. "But lashing out and potentially worsening the situation probably isn't it."

"Dealing with Kolis will always be a situation that worsens," he replied. "And what did I say before, when you said you didn't know how to be a Queen? I didn't say act how you think a Queen should. I told you to be yourself."

"I remember."

"Were you yourself when you offered him that deal?" he asked.

Yes? No? I wasn't sure. But what I did know, or at least what I thought I knew, was that I needed to be a less… stabby version of myself now that I was Queen.

"Are we going to accept his deal?" he asked in the silence.

My lip curled. "Absolutely, not."

"But what if Kolis accepts the deal, Sera?" he continued. "Are we really going to let him run around? Trust that he will keep to his word?"

I drew my tongue over the back of my teeth. "That's what I offered."

Ash's eyes flared with eather . "And?"

"And it won't be easy. Many will not be happy, but they will be…unhappily alive."

"Is that really what you want?" he asked.

"No." My free hand dropped to my side. "I want to make him bleed and dance in his blood. I want to fucking hurt him and, if I could, kill him. That is what I want."

A savage grin appeared. "That is the Sera I know."

"But does that make us better than him?" I asked. "I don't know if it does or doesn't, but if a war comes, I don't want it to be us who starts it," I said, and I wasn't sure if that was necessarily true. I wanted to attack, to go hard at Kolis, but I couldn't be that monstrous version of myself. "Even if the threat of disturbing the Ancients wasn't at stake, I don't want there to be a war at all."

"Neither do I."

"You don't, but you have been building an army and taking the necessary steps," I pointed out. "You were probably preparing for war before I was born. I haven't been. I haven't been preparing for any of this." I swept my arm out. "And I just did what I thought was right—"

"I don't think what you did was wrong."

"Yeah, you said that before, but I don't think that's the case."

"It is." His eyes met mine again. "And I'm sorry if I've given you the opposite impression. It's just…"

I watched him, waiting. "What?"

He looked away, a muscle ticking in his jaw. "It's almost like you trust him."

My mouth dropped open. "I do not trust him."

"Okay. That was the wrong word choice. It's more like you're giving him credit he does not deserve." Ash placed his drink down and pushed off the desk. He came to me and took my hand. Lifting it, he pressed a kiss to my palm—on the marriage imprint. "I know you believe he doesn't want war."

"But?" I whispered.

"As long as I've known Kolis, he's only wanted two things: Sotoria and to rule. His fear of harming you while taking the embers of life only held him back. Slowed him down. His plans never changed." Eather streaked across Ash's eyes. "His love for Sotoria , as twisted as it is, is powerful, but not as much as his thirst for power and search for retribution against those he believes wronged him."

I lowered my gaze. "I hope you're wrong."

"As do I." Mindful of the glass I held, he pulled me into his arms. "Because the Kolis I know would choose to see the realms burn before he relinquished control, and we should prepare for that."