Chapter 11

My heart is thumping in my chest.

I literally have my hands wrapped around Zeke's thigh, gripping as tightly as I can as he breathes through the pain. Wearing nothing but a pair of black Calvin Klein boxer briefs, his entire body is on display. Even in the darkness, with only the glow of the hallway light illuminating part of his room, I can see the broadness of his chest and the ridges of his abs. Good Lord, even when he's not trying, the guy has the body of a God.

"Is this too much? Am I squeezing too hard?"

"No. It's good. It's fine."

"Okay. Got it. We're good." I hear my pitch changing like I'm trying to calm a child.

Shit.

Why am I nervous all of a sudden?

"Then what? What did he do next?"

Zeke looks at me apprehensively, swallowing before he answers. "H-he massaged the…" He swallows again. "Jason, he uh, massaged the muscle until the spasm stopped."

Why does he look nervous?

Is he nervous too?

Because I'm touching him?

Oh God, I'm touching him.

Like…touching, touching him.

And he's barely wearing any clothes.

Oh, my God, I'm dangerously close to his penis.

Don't touch the penis, Ada.

Steer clear of the penis.

And stop thinking about it.

We can't both be nervous.

You can do this.

You can take care of him.

He's in pain.

He needs this.

"Yeah. Okay. Massage the penis."

His eyes fling open. "What?"

"What?" I repeat, my eyes bulging, shocked at my slip of tongue. "No! I mean muscle. Massage the muscle. Not the penis. Fuck! Who massages a penis? Nobody massages a penis." I stumble over my own words, apparently unable to control what comes out of my mouth. "Oh God. I'm sorry. Sorry. I'm so sorry Zeke." My hands start to shake as I dig into his thigh, applying pressure to his kinked muscle.

God, please don't fire me after this.

"You're doing fine, Ada," he says surprisingly calmly.

Pshh. He thinks I'm doing fine. Me on the other hand? I've somehow become a hot mess of unsettled energy. My stomach is fluttering, my mouth is dry, and I feel like I'm starting to sweat.

Zeke Miller's groin is literally in my hands and if something goes wrong or I move the wrong way, I could be the reason he doesn't get to play and I don't know if I can handle that. Not to mention the fact that—oh, my God! What was that?

Was that his penis?

Did I just touch his penis?

Did I seriously just brush my hand along Zeke Miller's penis?

It was hard.

His penis is hard.

Oh, my God. What do I do?

Do I apologize or just pretend it didn't happen?

He chuckles. "You definitely don't apologize, Ada."

Wait.

"What?"

He huffs a laugh again, watching me with a look of amusement. "You know you've been speaking out loud for several minutes, right?"

"What? I have?" I shake my head, my whole body starting to quiver now. "N-n-no, I haven't."

"Zeke Miller's groin is literally in my hands," he repeats my words right back to me and holy fucking shit I think I could throw up right now. The look of embarrassment and utter dread I give him makes him laugh even harder but this time he reaches up, sliding his hand into my hair, and cups the side of my face. Butterflies flutter through my stomach in a frenzy as he studies me for a moment. An awkward moment, where we're both staring at each other. And then he caresses my cheek with his thumb and I don't know how in the hell he's suddenly so calm. My heart is beating so fast it feels like it could literally fly out of my chest.

God, I'm dying to know what he's thinking .

"You're adorable when you're nervous."

"Me?" I squeak. "Who said anything about being ner—" He stops me with his lips as his mouth covers mine

Oh, my God. Zeke is kissing me!

He's tentative at first, soft, slow. Like he's testing me, wondering if I'll give in to him or push him away. Like he's waiting for me to catch up. I have to admit, he's totally caught me off guard. I'm on my knees beside him, both hands grasping his thigh, and he's kissing me.

And I'm not backing away.

"Ada." He breathes my name against my lips and my breath catches in my throat. The way he says my name, with reverence and lust, sends a spark right through me and warms me in places I should not be thinking about right now. He takes full advantage of my silence, gripping my hair tighter, his fingers grasping. He presses his lips harder against mine but still he's tender.

I moan ever so softly against his mouth and it's like I flipped a switch on him that I didn't know existed. He wraps an arm around my body and lifts me across his lap so that I'm straddling him and oooh shit, when I said he was hard I had no idea he was this hard. An involuntary gasp falls from my lips and when I feel just how aroused he is I whimper in response. He slides his hand down my back to my ass and rocks me hard against him. We're like two teenagers making out fully clothed on his bedroom floor. Well, okay, I'm wearing clothes. Also, I'm pretty damn sure I'm about to get lost in Zeke Miller.

"Zeke, your leg." It's all I can get out with all the breathing and panting and kissing and moaning going on between us, but I don't want to hurt him.

"Shut up. I know what I'm doing."

"And just what are you doing?"

He rocks me against his hard cock again. "What does it look like?"

At this point I don't give a damn what it looks like because I only care what it feels like.

And. It. Feels. So. Damn. Good.

I need this.

I want this.

If he's going to let me take it, then dammit, I'm here for it.

I rock myself against his cock this time, his hand palming the side of my head as he licks inside my mouth with an urgent but gentle tongue. Every stroke in time with my movement against him pretending his tongue is striking my clit every time I rock forward.

"Yes," I moan into his ear, my arms wrapped around Zeke's neck as my covered tits rub against his heated chest. My pebbled nipples begging to be touched.

"Zeke…" I'm so close. It's been too long since a man has given me this much pleasure and I can't hold back. My legs squeeze his waist as I grind against him trying like hell to reach my desperate release.

"Fuck, Ada." He grabs my ass and pulses me against his hardened shaft and I'm right there. Fully clothed and not a hand anywhere except my ass, this man is about to make me come and it's all that I want. All that I need. It's everything. My orgasm climbs up my body, my legs feeling the burn from my movements.

"Oh, my God, Zeke," I pant, leaning back and riding him as hard and fast as I can. He leans forward and captures my nipple between his teeth and I snap. Something inside me clenches and releases and I'm coming with more force than I ever remember.

"Oh…my…God. Yessss."

He continues to move me over his cock, his entire body quivering, and then he throws his head back against the mattress. "Ahh…fuck." His cock twitches between my legs and I know he's reached his climax. I can feel his cock as it throbs between us. He brings a hand to the back of my head as it rests on his shoulder, his fingers stroking through my hair. Both of us in a state of relaxed satisfaction, my thoughts go directly to Zeke and his pain.

"Are you—"

He doesn't let me finish my sentence. His hands cup my face and his mouth covers mine again in a slow tender kiss.

Like he's claiming me.

Or thanking me?

Shit. Did I misread this entire thing?

What does this mean?

Our lips separate and our foreheads touch but I stay silent, not sure what he wants to have happen next.

"Fuck, I needed that," he whispers against me, brushing his nose with mine.

"Yeah," I mutter. "I guess I did too."

And then it hits me.

This was the first time in three years I sought out an orgasm where I wasn't alone.

The first time in three years I reached an orgasm in front of someone else.

Because the last person to help me get there was Luke. My husband.

And now I've just dry humped Zeke Miller. My boss.

Oh, God.

What have I done?

"Uh, I should…go," I say, backing off of Zeke's lap carefully, praying I haven't added to his injury.

"Wait—"

"I'm sorry, Zeke." I shake my head, backing toward the door.

His brows furrow but his eyes grow large. "Ada, why are you—"

"I shouldn't have…we shouldn't…I didn't…" I continue to shake my head, ashamed, embarrassed. "I'm sorry."

"Ada."

"Good night, Zeke."

And then I'm out of his darkened room, stepping down the hall and into my room where I close my door quietly and sink to the floor as a flood of tears runs down my face.

"I'm sorry, Luke. I'm so sorry."

___

Elsie's giggles ring out from the kitchen where we are happily enjoying breakfast. She's definitely feeling a little better this morning, which is great. Me on the other hand? I'm not sure how I'm standing upright since I'm fairly sure I've only had about three hours of sleep, but I didn't have a choice to sleep in. Being here for Elsie is my job. Even if her dad kept me up last night doing things I'm certainly regretting now.

Except that it felt good.

So good.

And I miss feeling good.

It's been a long time.

I don't have any right to be upset with Zeke. Last night was as much my fault as it was his. I could have said no and I didn't. I could have stopped it, but I didn't want to.

I wanted him.

And I wanted to feel again.

"Daddy! You're back!" I look up from the eggs I'm making on the stove and Zeke is standing in the doorway. He's dressed in a pair of black pajama pants and a Red Tails t-shirt. I was sure to give Ada a small heads up about her daddy's injury so she wouldn't pummel him in excitement this morning and hurt him even more. On any normal morning, she would run to him and jump into his arms. This time though, she stops short and pets his thigh like she's petting an old dog which makes me chuckle to myself. "Is your leg hurting bad, Daddy?"

He doesn't hesitate to lean over and lift her up into his arms, her little legs dangling around his waist. "First of all, I need a great big monster-sized hug because I missed my baby girl so, so, sooo much."

Elsie giggles when he squeezes her tightly to his chest. "I missed you too, Daddy."

"Ada said you had the sniffles. How are you feeling this morning?"

"Good. Ada gave me medicine last night when I waked up."

"I'm really glad that helped you sleep. I bet you needed it. Were you a super good girl while I was gone?"

"Mmhmm! And guess what?"

"What?"

"Ada taked me to the animal place and we petted all the puppies and the kitties and even Mr. Purrito!"

My brow pinches. "Mr. Purrito?"

"Yeah!"

I finally make eye contact with him and tell him that Mr. Purrito is my favorite cat from the animal shelter.

"Well, I'm really glad you got to make some new furry friends. Did you just eat your breakfast?"

"Yep. Ada made me eggs and toast and bananas and chocolate milk!"

"She did?"

Usually, breakfast is a bowl of cereal and maybe a piece of fruit but I needed something to keep my hands busy this morning so she got a special breakfast.

"Mhmm! Can I color my picture now, Daddy?"

Zeke spies the open coloring book and crayons on the table where Elsie was sitting earlier. "Of course. But I need a kiss first." He points to his cheek. "Right here."

She places a big sloppy kiss on his cheek and then he lowers her back to the ground and watches her scurry away to her coloring. On the other side of the table, he spies the contents of his gym bag.

The bag he told me to leave by the front door last night.

Everything from inside the bag has been washed and is now neatly folded and piled on the table because, again, I needed something to distract me this morning while Elsie snuggled on the couch and watched a television show.

I see the guilt that washes over him when he catches my eye. He gestures to his bag with his head and whispers, "Thank you."

I give him a kind nod and a coy smile because I am so out of my element right now and have no idea how I'm supposed to act or what I'm supposed to say.

Am I supposed to acknowledge what happened between us last night or pretend it didn't happen?

"Ada." Zeke steps forward shaking his head. "I'm so—"

"It's fine, Zeke. Really. Everything's…fine."

He was going to say sorry.

He regrets it too.

I knew it.

I grab a rag and begin to obsessively clean the counters, trying my best to mask my disappointment. "It was late and you had a rough night. Would you like some eggs?"

God, why does he have to look so…confused? Hurt? Worried?

Please don't make this weird.

"Uh, yeah. Sure. Thanks."

I gesture to the stools in front of the kitchen island. "Have a seat."

___

"Wow, he's out for the whole week?"

"At least," I report to Kinsley. "He said they told him it's not a muscle tear which is good news. It's just a slightly pulled muscle and they want him out for the week before they reassess."

"Damn, how's he taking it?"

"Uh…"

How can I put this?

"Do you have a minute?"

"Of course, Silly. We're both sitting here, aren't we?"

I told Zeke I needed to run errands today and he told me he would spend the day with Elsie since he now has a few days off. I didn't mention that one of my errands was coffee with Kinsley. What he doesn't know won't kill him, I suppose.

"I need to tell you something."

"Uh oh. Is this a good something or a bad something?"

I shrug and bob my head. "Uh…I guess maybe both?"

A sly grin spreads across her face. "Oooh this ought to be good. Spill the tea, my friend."

"Okay, so, last night when Zeke came home, I waited up because I wanted to know about his injury."

"Okay."

"He came in the door and of course was grumpy. I mean, rightfully so. He kind of scolded me when I offered to help him."

Her face contorts. "What the fuck? Did you put him in his place?"

"Noooope. Buuuut umm…I may or may not have dry humped him." I cringe and cover my face haphazardly with my hand.

Kinsley nearly spits her drink all over the table. "Girl! What? You did WHAT? Oh, my God!" She laughs. "You tell me every fucking detail right now."

"Okay so long story, short, Elsie had a bad dream last night and Zeke and I were both trying to get to her but—"

"But then your bodies collided in the hallway so you dry-humped before you got to her?"

I snicker. "No!"

"Oh okay. ‘Cause that would've been hilarious to witness. Just saying. Please continue."

"His groin muscle spasmed again and he fell in his bedroom. So, I got Elsie back to sleep and then ran to help Zeke and he asked me to do what his medical staff did which was apply pressure and then massage the muscle until it stopped spasming."

Kinsley sits back in her chair, admiring me as she takes another slow sip of her coffee. "So, you had your hands on his groin? Way to go, friend. Score one for Ada."

"Yeah. Only I got really nervous because come on. It wasn't just any groin muscle in my hand. It was Zeke Miller's, you know? Star goalie for the Red Tails and that came with all sorts of pressure in and of itself. And then before I knew it he was chuckling and then laughing at me because I was nervous and then he kissed me."

"Aaaand then you dry-humped him? Sounds like it escalated pretty quickly." She laughs.

I bob my head. "Well, it's not like that was my plan all along! He kept kissing me and when I didn't stop him he shifted me over his lap and holy shit, Kinsley, he was…you know…"

"Hard as stone? Erect-a-mungo? Achingly bulbous?"

"Ew, don't say bulbous. But also, yes. All of those things."

"Sounds like he enjoyed the groin massage. How did he sit there and hump you with a pulled groin muscle though?"

"Wellll…" I cringe embarrassed to have to admit, "I may have done most of the humping." I palm my forehead. "I tried to make sure I wasn't hurting him, but he told me to shut up and that he knew what he was doing and then there we were making out like teenagers."

"Oh, my God. That's fantastic!"

"No! Not fantastic, Kins."

"What? Why?"

"Because!"

"Because why?" She stares me down and when I don't answer, she adds, "Give me a reason."

"Because I…I…"

She goads, twirling her finger. "Use your words here, Babe. Because you…what?"

"Because the last man to give me an orgasm was my husband. So last night came with a shit ton of regret."

Kinsley's shoulders deflate as she watches me from across the table. She slides her hand over mine and squeezes. "Ada, it's been three years."

"I know."

"You've grieved. You've moved on with your life. You've started over, Sweetie. And I don't say those things like I don't think you should ever think of him again. Certainly, you're always going to love Luke. What you had together…he was your first love."

"He was." I nod, feeling the tears build up in my eyes.

"But Ada." She leans forward and squeezes my hand even harder "Look at me."

When I finally allow myself to make eye contact she says matter-of-factly, "But he does not have to be your last."

I don't respond with words. Only a head nod that I understand what she's saying.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah," I tell her.

"Did it feel good? Last night?"

I don't even have to think about my answer. "Yes."

"Did you enjoy it?"

"So much."

"Did he?"

"I thought so, but then this morning I think he tried to apologize which means he regretted it and—"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not necessarily. Did he say he regretted it?"

"No."

"Then don't put words in his mouth. It sounds like you're trying to make yourself feel guilty about having a moment with him. Stop beating yourself up about it. Nothing you did last night was wrong and you certainly don't need to regret it or feel guilty about it. In fact, if any two people on this earth deserve to feel good, it's the two of you. You've both endured the loss of a loved one, just in two vastly different ways. So, if that means you work-out a little pent-up frustration together from time to time, then so be it."

"Why do you make it sound so easy?"

"Because it is." She chuckles. "Ada it's just sex. It's pleasure. It doesn't have to be super meaningful, but it can be if you want it to be. You two are adults. Live your lives however you want to. He's a great guy, Ada. A good man and a good father. Who knows? You could have the perfect life with him. And if you don't mind my saying so, I'm pretty damn sure Luke would want that for you."

Finally, a few tears spill over and run down my cheeks. "Do you really think so?"

"I know so. No way is Luke up there in Heaven looking down on you and wishing you were dried up and alone for the rest of your life. That's preposterous. Do you like Zeke?"

"He's my boss."

"That's not what I'm asking. I know he's your boss. I asked if you like him?"

I shrug, feeling the corner of my mouth lift. "I don't not like him."

She pats my hand with every word. "Then. Stop. Denying. Your. Own. Happiness."

I nod listening to her words and repeating them back to myself as silent affirmations.

"Thank you, Kinsley."

"You're welcome. Now get your ass home and get you some big D." She leans forward again and whispers, "It is big, right?"

I huff out a laugh. "Oh, my God. You have nooo idea."