4.Steeling Your Resolve

4. Steeling Your Resolve

As I pass by the ancient oak trees that frame Primrose University's grand entrance, a hard shove against my shoulder blade has me stumbling forward.

“Watch it, Brasshole.”

I nearly lose my footing on the cobblestone path beneath my feet, and when I look up, whoever pushed me is already gone. A blur of faces greets me, indistinguishable in the bustling crowd of students.

Maybe I should have come to campus later instead of in the middle of the afternoon when the university is busiest. Oh well. It isn’ t as if I’ll be coming back. Rubbing my arm, I hurry along towards the bus stop.

Since my family became notorious local figures, harassment happens occasionally. I hoped no one would recognize me since I spent most of my time growing up in boarding schools on another continent, and my accent sounds closer to English than American. Luck isn’t on my side.

Harassment is never fun or easy, but some amount of it is expected. Yet I barely feel the shove, still reeling from my conversation with Liam.

Getting to the bus stop happens without further incident. I leave campus in a daze, and the following days pass in a similar daze. I barely notice the world continuing around me.

What Liam can do really seemed like the answer. I thought he was exactly who I needed. And now I’m back to being lost and unsure.

One night after my mother goes to bed, I lock my bedroom door and start researching BDSM on my cell phone. Several websites are informative about the basics.

However, most sites aren’t devoted to the intersection of kink and magic. There are some references, using vines to restrict someone or using heat or cold magic on a lover’s body. Interesting, though not helpful.

None of them broached Liam’s particular gifts. I keep learning more on the topic in general, but his version of nightbrand magic is too rare to search for online .

My own limited familiarity with his element does not reveal much either. Nightbrand magic is linked to the moon and shadows. They are at a disadvantage during daylight hours just like daybrands experience weakened magic when surrounded by darkness.

Moon magic centers around rituals performed in connection with lunar phases...at least, that's what I've been taught about nightbrand casters. How exactly do Liam's special powers fit in? That remains an unsolved mystery.

“Oliver? Oliver, did you hear me?”

“Huh?”

Mom waves a hand in front of my face. “We also need fabric softener from the store.”

“Oh, right.”

I hurry out of our apartment to avoid her giving me questioning looks or wondering why I am so preoccupied. A neighbor lends me their car, making my grocery run and picking up fabric softener much simpler.

My mind wanders as I scan the shelves in the grocery store. The things I've researched on the internet gave me more insight into BDSM. I understand why barging into his office wasn’t the right way to initiate anything, and I know more about how to play like this correctly, though for what purpose, I can't say. The concept of control and submission by itself is intriguing, but I need to focus on other matters more. Like getting my powers under control. I hardly feel attractive or confident enough to go searching for a partner when so many people in the area think of me as, well, a Brasshole.

What Liam can do is what drew me to this anyway. Well, what he can do and the man himself.

The charming man captivates students and easily captures their attention. He's easy to talk to. Honestly, he seems closer to a sunny, smiling daybrand, but there’s something there under the surface. A certain authority and steel in his spine. Although I tend to steer clear of metal these days, it's incredibly alluring.

I don't just want a dom or a nightbrand; I want Liam to be my dom and nightbrand.

I thought I wanted a simple night away from my regular life while someone else called the shots. But learning more has filled my head with more ideas than could possibly be accomplished in one night. Ideas that will never be fulfilled.

We don't always get what we wish for.

An erotic education with Liam isn't an option, and the store does not have our preferred brand of fabric softener. That's only the start of my frustrations. I have no idea what comes next or where my life is headed. No plan or direction in sight - aside from leaving the grocery store.

Both hands are full of brown paper sacks as I leave the grocery store and head back to the car. An unpleasant surprise awaits me.

The back tire is sunken and squashed, deflated. I groan and come closer to inspect the damage and that's when I see the scratch marks above the wheel well.

One sack of groceries slips from my hands and collides with the ground. Apples tumble out of the bag, some rolling under the car.

This isn't just an unfortunate accident; someone popped the tire on purpose.

Am I being watched, or does it just feel that way? Someone obviously noticed me coming in. I slouch down into my jacket as I put the other bags on the trunk and inspect the damage.

The scratches weren't there before, I think. Then again, I've been distracted lately. Running my hands lightly over the marks, some paint fragments come free and feel gritty under my fingers, which means these are new. The paint is freshly disturbed and still clings to the car.

"This isn't even my car," I complain to the scratches.

Now I owe my neighbor for a new tire and some cosmetic work. The only small mercy is that there are only a few marks, most of which aren't particularly deep. Maybe popping the tire was easy enough but the vandal responsible lost their nerve when keying the car. Or they feared getting caught and rushed when creating the marks.

I need to stop standing around gawking at the damage. What if the person who decided to ruin my day is still nearby? I should leave.

I just keep staring at the tire and marks, almost willing them out of existence. Surely there must have been some mistake. After all, this isn't even my car. For some reason that thought makes me want to laugh.

When I get myself together and load my groceries up in the car, I suddenly realize I don't know what to do now. I'm clueless about how to change a tire or who to call. How much extra work will I need to do in order to raise enough money to afford a new tire?

And all my larger worries are still there. I have no idea what to do with my life or how to balance my powers when I feel so utterly ashamed and undeserving of them.

All this minor catastrophe does is add more questions to my huge list of uncertainties. There's so much that I don't know compared to what little I do understand.

But this incident has made one thing clear. It shows me one of the few certainties in my life. I'm interested in Liam and his dominant side. I want to know what it’s like to be under his control.

This is the only thing I’ve been sure about in a long time. That must mean something. I need to see this through.

~

I stomp into the office and slam the door shut, sending a shudder through the room.

“We need to talk” I demand .

Liam hurriedly picks up his cell phone and closes his laptop before shoving them away inside his desk drawer. “Hold on, let me safeguard my things first.”

Okay, that’s fair, but I can’t let that crack stop me.

"Your possessions are safe. I'm here for you, Liam."

The professor studies my face, deciphering my meaning. “That's flattering, but—"

"I want you to use your powers on me, just like you did with Argyle." Wait, I need to be clear this time. "Well, not exactly like that. I—" That wasn’t sexual. What I have in mind isn’t nearly so innocent.

"We talked about this and whether it’s appropriate."

Expecting this argument, I’m ready with a defense.

"I'm not actually your student or taking a class here. We can figure something out. We knew from the first meeting you weren't really going to mentor me, right?"

"I did get that impression," he agrees dryly.

I move further into the office and stand in front of his desk. "Then what’s the problem? There are no conflicts of interest since there are no grades or transcripts or expectations hanging over our heads. This has nothing to do with your teaching career, Professor Monroe .” Somehow, I summon enough boldness for an innuendo as my words register. “I’m after a different kind of tutoring.”

"Oliver," he warns.

"You’d be educating me in a totally unofficial after school kind of way where we’re both consenting adults.”

"Stop," he demands.

"And giving me the kind of education you can't provide during class.”

"Are you done?" he asks flatly.

"Yes."

Liam’s sitting back in his desk chair, studying me, and his face gives nothing away. Am I making any impression on him at all?

The flirtiness vanishes and all I have left is the truth.

"Maybe I'm new to all this,” I say. “I had no idea it even existed, but that doesn't mean I'm not interested now. I’m interested in you, Liam. I’m sorry I went about this the completely wrong way before. I’ve started doing my research and I’m ready to learn the right way to do this. This seems to be the missing piece I was looking for."

I drum my fingers nervously on the desk between us and confess, "I'm terrified of my powers. I don't deserve them or want to use them, but they won't be ignored. They need someone to control and command them. If I can't, then I need to find someone who can help me—someone I trust."

He looks at me skeptically, "Why me? "

His powers are part of it. His gifts are unique and not all nightbrands can do what he can. But that’s not why I trust him.

"When I was here last, you could have told me anything and I’d have believed you. Instead, all you told me was that someone shouldn’t give these kinds of orders without permission. You showed me that I can trust you."

My eyes never waver from his gaze. I’m not sure how long we stand there looking at each other across the desk. Finally, Liam clears his throat and rises from his chair.

"Well, it's time for me to go," he declares.

"Huh? What are you doing?"

He begins to gather his things and move towards the office door.

"I'm heading out for the day." He ushers me out of his office and locks the door behind us. Liam begins walking away while I stand there staring dumbly after him until he turns his head back towards me. “Are you coming?”

What’s happening here? I follow while trying to figure that out.

Has he changed his mind? Suddenly feeling hopeful yet confused all at once, I follow him down the hall and outside the building.

Instead of heading further onto campus he turns and heads down a side path that leads back around the classrooms to the nearest parking lot. “My car isn’t far, and I’d rather continue this conversation elsewhere. Where are you parked? "

"I took the bus."

“Can I offer you a ride home?”

"Wait, what, what are you saying?" I need to know.

Liam glances around us to see if there’s anyone nearby. The bulk of classes have ended for the day, and no one is near enough to hear our hushed voices.

“You’re right,” he says. “I thought about it after you left. You aren’t my student or even a student here. This isn’t inappropriate. Neither of us has power over the other right now. We’re just two consenting adults who are free to explore this if we choose. I already decided I’d take you seriously if you came back.”

Oh. Having gotten my way, I have no idea what to say or do now.

“How about that ride?” Liam asks.

Soon we’re situated in his sensible, dark blue sedan and I give him directions. My apartment and the campus are on opposite sides of the city. Any distance he’s willing to take me will cut down my travel time when catching a bus, so I let him know he doesn't need to drive me all the way home, but he insists it isn’t any trouble.

Plus, it gives us a chance to talk. I get the feeling there’s a lot we need to discuss.

We drive in silence with only music on the radio filling up the car. After Liam gets on the highway, he starts talking .

“When a person accepts an element, that bond is permanent. Branded casters count on always having their powers, but the truth is, the amount of power one has at any given time changes. Trying to create an inferno during a snowstorm isn’t wise, for example, just like night magic is never going to be as strong during the day and vice versa.”

“There are other factors too,” I offer. My parents, for example, strengthened each other’s gifts.

“Right. A relationship with someone who has the same element or a complementary one boosts the magic of both people.”

“Is that what you do?”

“Sort of,” he says. “With my magic and my interests blended, I have the power to boost or suppress the magic from any brand.”

“With permission?” I guess. He already told me conditions have to be met to give him control and consent was a central condition.

“Permission is part of it. Moon magic heavily involves ritual work. My version of ritual work under the moon involves power exchange. We perform a simple ritual and form an agreement. It might last for one of the moon’s cycles or until the same phase of the moon appears again.”

I hold in a laugh, watching cars on the other side of the highway whiz past while I chat about handing over the reins of my magical power to someone else .

“With the ritual in place, you’d influence my awareness of my powers and ability to control them.”

“If I control your powers, you won’t be able to use your magic at all, unless you have permission from me.” He chances a quick glance at me in the passenger seat. “That sound good to you?”

This sounds like exactly what I hoped for since I saw him controlling his water nymph friend . I nod, then realize his eyes are already back on the road. “Y-yeah, it sounds good. My magic won’t flare up and freak out anymore.”

“True. I’ll be keeping a lid on your powers. However, my influence alone does not resolve the larger issue. To take care of that, I’d probably have you use your powers under my direction."

“Yeah, I figured practicing my powers would be included,” I say. “I think that will be okay.”

“If we do this, I’ll be in charge of anything we agree upon for as long as our arrangement lasts. Magic is only one area I might have power over.”

Oh boy.

“You, uh, you…” I clear my throat and try again. "So, you’ll get to say when I use my powers. And you would like that?”

“Yes,” he says simply.

“Okay. Why?” Oh, crap. “Not that I’m judging! I just…”

“Feel free to ask questions." Liam speaks as he switches into the left lane. "That’s why we’re talking beforehand. I like taking whatever it is you want to give me and finding all the ways I can use it to drive us both insane, in the very best of ways."

“R-right. Because you may control more than my magic…”

“Yes. If you give me control of your pleasure, I’ll have power over your ability to orgasm.”

I jump, banging my knee into the dashboard. “Sorry, sorry. Not really used to talking about this.” Certainly not so bluntly.

“That’s alright, but we need to be clear here.” There’s a note of firmness in his voice. Not an order, only that this is something non-negotiable. “Are you interested in magical power exchange only or are you interested in a sexual exchange too?”

"Um, yeah,” I whisper.

"Yeah?" he questions.

"Both." Staring down at my lap, my face must be bright red.

And I thought talking about giving someone else control of my powers while other drivers pass by unaware was wild. As we dive deeper into this discussion, I can’t even look at other cars, afraid they’ll see me too and somehow figure out what we're talking about.

Hopefully, Liam is driving fast enough nobody sees. They’d certainly wonder about his passenger the human tomato.

“Thank you for answering my question,” he says. “We will need to talk more about our preferences and limits later, but we can discuss some easier topics now. ”

I smile gratefully. I’ve rarely spoken about my sexual desires out loud, not even during sex. Discussing this will take getting used to.

Liam covers as much as he can during the rest of the drive, trying to give me an overview of everything I need to know or should think about before we commit to this. Some topics are sexual and others aren’t.

We’ll have to work around both our schedules and the moon cycle. Liam’s power will be strongest at night when the moon is visible, and he’ll have more power when the moon is fuller and at its peak.

On the sexual side, he briefly lists some of his favorite kinks, giving me a chance to object to any or stop him if it sounds like we aren’t compatible. He’s interested in things like bondage, restraints, denial, and edging to name a few.

While I haven’t personally experienced virtually everything on his list, none of it sounds unattractive… quite the opposite.

“A good time for us to start an arrangement is at the start of the waxing moon,” he says. “My arrangement with my friend will be over, and this gives you a chance to adjust before I reach full power.”

“How much time will we have to discuss this and decide?” I ask when we arrive, and he parks the car.

“Two weeks.”

“Oh… ”

Liam guesses what I’m thinking. “Feels like a long time, huh?”

I nod.

“It’ll go by fast. Gives us enough time to get prepared and cover everything. Precautions, kinks, rules, and limits. And we’ll sort out the details of our magical arrangement. If we’re both still on board when the time comes, we meet and do the ritual.”

Two weeks really isn’t much time. Not at all. I’m glad there’s enough time to get everything sorted out, and glad my powers and I won’t need to wait too long either. If I intend to do this, then I need to take it seriously, so I intend to use these two weeks wisely.

Still, I’m only human. There’s no shame in hoping these two weeks hurry the hell up.