Chapter 61

MILA

Sometimes a textor even a call just doesn't do the job.

Also - the caffeine isn't doing a thing either.

I can feel it, but it's not helping. It's not even hurting at this point.

It's just…

I feel sad. I feel empty. I've said that already.

I toss my coffee into the fancy trash can and I leave the coffee shop.

As I walk, I try to recall some good memories of you know who. Not that I'm attempting to pull up some old thoughts or feelings or anything like that. I think I'm desperate to somehow justify this ending.

I'm smart enough to know not everything is like a movie or a book.

Sometimes things just happen and you face it. Or move on. Or even forget about it.

I'm somewhere in between all of it.

There's not a single part of me that wants to remember a thing.

I'm forcing it upon myself.

I picture my brain like they show in cartoons.

Little cartoon legs, skinny arms, folded… somehow in cartoons they show organs with organs so I'm picturing my brain with eyes and a mouth…

My brain looking away, stubborn.

And then there's my heart.

Her beautiful bright red color, unique shape, wearing shoes. Why is my heart wearing shoes? I don't know. And she's puckering her lips in annoyance, one eyebrow raised, rolling her eyes.

I picture another organ too.

Petite and cute… pink and pearly… small but fierce…

I am not personifying my clitoris right now!

I begin to wonder if the caffeine is actually working through my system. Instead of pumping me up, keeping me awake and giving me some much-needed focus, it's making me go a little insane.

I'm walking as though I have no place to go. Or at least that's what I try to tell myself. But I'm pretty sure both you and I know right where I'm going. Right back into the flames, so to say. Like feeding an addiction. The uncontrollable urge to stop, slow down… but why?

There it is.

That question.

Why?

I have nothing to hide. Nothing to be ashamed of.

I end up outside Jax's dorm.

I even stand there for a few seconds, thinking it all through.

It comes down to me.

Finally. Something for me.

I get to be just a little greedy for once.

I get to say what I want and then that gets to happen.

Need proof? Watch this…

I knock on the door.

Jax opens the door a few seconds later, surprised to see me.

"Hey," he whispers. "You didn't… text or anything…"

"Are you alone?"

"Of course I am, honey."

Ready for it?

There's a pause.

"Mila, talk to me," Jax says.

I step closer to him…

"Jax, I want you to fuck me."