Chapter 38

MILA

It's notcold outside at all, but I'm shivering.

I'm not scared to be here. I understand the idea of a funeral and what it means.

That doesn't mean my heart isn't twisted up.

I'm sure you're sick of hearing every perspective of a funeral. I would be too.

What if I told you my heart isn't twisted up over the funeral? What if I told you I'm not thinking about the funeral at all?

I feel terrible for Mac.

But what if I'm in line and I'm actually secretly extremely greedy right now?

Because the only thing on my mind?

Jax.

I've looked at him more than a few times.

He's looked at me too.

Even just a second ago.

We stood feet apart.

He refuses to talk to me.

I can't believe that all of a sudden Jax is a rule follower.

I tell him to back off and he does? Really?

I tell him we can never talk again and he just instantly respects that?

That's about the time I start to really hate myself too.

Because I do the right thing… and yet deep down inside I want Jax to go against my wishes. Maybe because I have deeper, darker wishes?

I don't know.

I guess I did not picture Jax as the kind of guy to just back off. At least not unless he never cared about me the way he showed. I mean, I get it, he probably just wanted to get into my panties. I'm not naive here.

Still.

Being pursued by him… the temptation. Flirting with crossing delicate lines.

What is wrong with me?

Is this who I really am?

Think about what I'm suggesting… what I'm kind of implying here…

A hand touches my shoulder and I look back, almost ready to smile.

"Go ahead, sweetie," a woman's voice says from behind me. She smiles at me. "It'll be okay."

I realize I've stopped moving.

I'm holding up the line.

I walk forward and shut my mind off for a minute.

I hug Mac and tell him how sorry I am for his loss.

When I hug Violet, she squeezes me a little bit tighter than normal.

I can't imagine what she must be going through. Standing by the guy she loves through his sad time.

I tell Violet I love her.

The words just spill out of my mouth.

I walk away, head down, and as much as I want out of here, I can't leave.

I lift my gaze and see a very large tree. A very thick tree, with lots of branches that hang low to the ground.

A perfect place to kind of hide out for a minute to catch my breath.

When I'm behind the tree, I feel a little better.

I take a few deep breaths.

I look up and try not to think about the fact that I'm in a cemetery.

I hear the crack of a stick.

Suddenly I feel like I'm in a horror movie.

That creepy sense of oh shit, when you know someone is there…

As I start to turn to my right, Jax steps forward.

The suspense ends and my heart begins to race.

I look up at him.

He stares down at me.

The tree is wide enough that we're both hidden.

Yes. I'm thinking it. You know what I'm thinking…

"He's not here," Jax says with hatred in his tone.

Without thinking, I blurt out, "He doesn't matter anymore."

"You're sure about that, honey?"

I feel like I'm in a trance as I nod.

There is nobody else. I can't do it anymore. I can't deal with it.

"I'm not sure where things actually are…" Jax says.

He steps closer to me.

I turn a little.

My back is pointed at the giant tree.

Chills race up and down my spine.

Jax closes in on me some more.

His right hand grabs my hip.

And when I say grab… I mean… grab.

Possessive. Commanding. Selfish. Greedy.

My inner thighs instantly ache in a way that I refuse to confess even to myself.

With his left hand, Jax touches my face.

For a big, rough and mean guy he has the softest touch.

There's still a toughness to him… protection and all that…

My cheek tingles.

My teeth want to chatter.

I want to turn my head and kiss his fingers… or more…

Jax bends his knees a little and presses his body against mine.

My body is pressed against the tree.

My heart is racing. My head is spinning.

I swear on my life I can feel my heartbeat in my clit.

That's right. I just admitted that.

Jax lowers down… he pauses…

"It's not that you deserve better, honey, it's that you need it. You need more. You want more."

"Oh, right. You're going to tell me what I want and need?" I ask.

"It's written all over your face."

Jax inches even closer to me.

His lips are… right there…

I feel my lips quivering, almost puckering, waiting.

A little voice somewhere in my head asks a question that may not be the most obvious one to ask…

Do you really want your first steamy kiss with Jax to be in a cemetery?

"Jax," I whisper. "We can't do this."

"Says who?"

I melt just a little bit more.

Fuck…

I touch his chest.

Two hands.

His chest.

Almost like I'm feeling him up.

And what I'm feeling is muscle.

Pure. Sexy. Muscle.

"Not here," I whisper. "Not… here…"

Jax moves his hand to my chin.

He then uses his thumb and strokes under my bottom lip.

I have to admit something now.

I have never been so turned on in my entire life.