Chapter 34

My life feels like a version of Groundhog Day.

But it's the only way I can keep myself from losing complete control. When I'm not on the ice, I'm in the gym, lifting weights and pushing myself to the limit on the cardio machines.

I barely see Felicity as she comes and goes to work, and I feel like an asshole. From the moment we returned from New York, I've driven her away on a clear path to self-destruction. I'm waiting for her to wake up and realize I'm not worth it, because it's going to happen. If I can't protect my best friend and make the right decisions on the ice, how can I possibly be the man to protect her for life?

Yet despite it all, I can't bring myself to end it with her. Through the overwhelming noise in my mind, my heart screams to hold onto what we've got, no matter how broken it feels right now. She tries to touch me, but I push her away, and when she invites my family over for a traditional British Sunday lunch, what do I do? I hide in the gym, pussying out and not wanting to face my reality.

I lift the Olympic bar for a fifteenth rep and replace it with a bang, sweat pouring from me as I snatch up my bottle and towel and head for the locker room.

Practice finished hours ago, and Zach is the last person I expect to see sitting on my bench when I push through the door, his crutches set to the side. He looks like hell, his face is swollen, bruised, and marred with stitches.

His head swings around when I come into view.

"How'd you know where to find me?" I ask, wiping the back of my neck with my towel, sweat still dripping from me.

"You've lost weight." He doesn't bother responding to my question. When times are tough, I'll be here or at a bar, and he's not wrong to guess the gym. He's also not wrong that I've shed a few pounds over the last couple of weeks; overtraining and undereating will do that to an athlete.

I take a seat on the bench opposite but say nothing, instead choosing to hear Zach out.

He runs a hand up the back of his neck before it comes down and smacks his thigh. "What happened in New York, it wasn't your fault. My head was up my ass, and I put you in an impossible position, and for that, I'm sorry. What I said to you that morning, I shouldn't have taken it out on you." He purses his lips together and shakes his head. "I thought she fucking loved me, but she didn't, and then I see you wrapped up in Felicity and that's all I wanted, you know. You've spent your whole life fucking around with women, and I've been searching for the one, and yet all I get is a woman intent on emotionally breaking me and sleeping around behind my back. You literally bump into the first woman you've ever been seriously interested in, and she turns out to be your soulmate. I was hurting, and I was out of order and what happened with Schneider, that was on me and him. Not you."

"You were right the first time, man. I have been a shitty friend. I should've stopped you from?—"

"Stopped me from what exactly?" Zach's tone is sharper, and I can detect a tinge of frustration. "Stopped me from meeting Amie? Stopped me from dating her? Stopped me from going back to her and sleeping with her in Nashville? Or did you plan on stopping me from telling Schneider the baby's mine when he was in the penalty box? You can't take everything on as your responsibility, and you can't blame yourself when things go wrong. Do you know how hard it is to stand by and watch you crucify yourself?"

He looks up and blows out a harsh breath. "Let me tell you something. The very thing you've always wanted, you're pushing away. You're pushing her out of your life before you've even gotten started. She's the sort of woman dreams are made of, man. The sort of woman I've been searching for all these years, and she's chosen you. Women like her don't date just anyone, and that's all you need to know about yourself, Jon. You have her, so for fuck's sake, don't throw her away. You'll spend the rest of your life regretting it."

Zach gathers his crutches and stands from the bench. "You've never let me down, Jon, but you're on the brink of sabotaging and letting yourself down in the most catastrophic way possible."

I heardeverything Zach said and to be honest, I knew it all deep down, how lucky I am to have her. How much I care for and love her has never been in question. But as I pull up in my apartment parking lot, I'm afraid it's too late, that the damage has been done.

I chased her for months, trying to convince her to date me and to give me a shot. I worked to build her trust, and in the blink of an eye, I feel like I've destroyed it all.She's stood by me through everything, but I wouldn't blame her if she decides it's over. For weeks I've buried every emotion and hidden behind coping strategies, frozen and numb to everything. My best friend is right; I'm in destruct mode and I'm teetering on the edge of making my worst nightmares a reality.

Walking into my apartment, I half expect to find her things gone. I don't. Instead, I find my brother perched on the end of the couch, watching a rerun of last year's playoffs.

"Felicity's at work; she gave me the code."

"That's cool. It's good to see you, bro," I reply, setting my keys on the side. Adam's never been to my apartment unannounced, let alone on his own.

"I'm here to talk with you."

"I'm all ears." Knowing whatever he has to say is important. He's here for good reason and my stomach clenches at what he might have to say.

"She loves you." My head shoots up.

What?

"She loves you, Jon." He points his finger at me, frustration twisting his face. "And you're going to throw it all away."

How does he even know what she feels?

"She told me, at the dinner you never showed up to. She cried, and she told me."

I take a seat on the couch opposite him and press mute on the TV.

Adam looks down and scuffs the floor with one of his feet. "We know you've struggled, but I want to tell you that you're the best brother. You've stood by me, cared for me, defended me at school, you even bought a house for me."

Tears spill from my eyes, and I quickly wipe at them with the backs of my hands.

"If you let her go, I'll lose her, too. She's special."

My heart rate soars as it threatens to beat clean through my chest. The ringing in my ears makes a return, and I wipe at my neck, feeling sure I had showered after the gym, but sweat pours down my back."I think I might've already blown it."

"I told you; she loves you. She told me. Don't lose her."

She fucking loves me. Even after what I've put her through. She still wants me.

"I need to drop you back home," I tell him, rising from my seat.

"Yeah, they're tough but you absolutely aced your bachelors; there's no way you won't get through the bar exams."

"Hmmm, I think your confidence in me might be a little misplaced, Kate."

"A little like the lack of faith in yourself," she responds, pushing off my desk.

"It kills me to think he kept you from living out your dreams. Promise me, you'll always chase them from now on."

Jon is the reason I decided to take Mark up on his offer and take the plunge and sit for the bar exams to become a human rights lawyer. I need to be with him, but no matter what happens, I know without a doubt the impact he's had on me, my confidence, and my outlook on life. I want to make him proud, but I also owe it to myself, having abandoned my dreams for someone else's all those years ago.

I grab my jacket from the back of the chair and my bag from the desk. Pretty much everyone has left the office as I head to the elevator and down to the lobby. Bright lights blind my vision as I push the doors open and head out into the night sky.

"Hey, Angel."

Jon's standing a few feet away, clad in black jeans, a gray sweater, white Nikes, and a backward cap. He looks delicious—no, better than delicious. Utterly beautiful. It's neither what he's wearing that picks up my pulse nor the white muscle car he's leaning against. It's the sight of his wide dimple-popping smile.A sight my heart has been craving.

I lurch forward and into his arms, his spicy cologne enveloping me in warmth against the frigid night air."It's just like that night you picked me up," I whisper against his chest.

"Fancy some fried chicken?"

I snort-laugh, and it's definitely attractive. "Fancy? Going all British on me, are you?"

Jon throws his head back and laughs. "Watch it, Mary."

"You know what I fancy? Heading home and getting cozy."

He smiles sweetly, his expression lighter than I"ve seen in a while, and relief washes over me in waves. "Me too, Angel."