Chapter 25

twenty-five

CAT’S OUT OF THE BAG

M y fingers tap against my steering wheel as I scan faces coming out of the building.

It’s been too long since I’ve seen my girl in person. Too long since I’ve held her in my arms. Traveling for away games has never sucked so much as it does now. Even more so because classes being back in session already cut back on my time with Emery far too much.

I haven’t seen her since we got back into town because of how bogged down I was with homework and makeup tests from the days I missed to travel. Finally made it to the end of the week, only for us to be taking off again tomorrow for the game against Everleigh.

A game I’m not truly ready for.

Beau’s manifestation of me being moved up to his line came true the week after my first game back. We could immediately feel the difference and it showed in our last three games. Even with two of them being away games, we’re on a winning streak. One I desperately need to continue this weekend.

I run my hand over the beard I haven’t trimmed since our first win. Emery seems like a fan of it and we still Facetime every day ao she knows how scruffy it’s getting. But will she still like kissing me the same?

I spot Emery walking out of the building with her friend, Megan, at her side. The two of them arm in arm as they head towards the parking lot, matching fluffy hoods covering their heads from the snow coming down.

It’s been a week of heavy snowfall and Emery hates driving in it in her little car, not that I can blame her. I’m not a huge fan of her driving it either. We should really get her something sturdier for the winter months.

She hasn’t spotted me yet, and when they start to turn towards Megan’s car I call her. She doesn’t even hesitate to answer the phone in front of Megan. Has she told her about us?

“Hello?”

Maybe not. That’s a pretty damn safe greeting and not the way she ever answers my calls, even when she wasn’t expecting one.

“Hi, baby girl. Turn around.”

She spins on her heel, the phone still pressed to her ear and even from this distance I can see the way her whole face lights up when she spots my truck.

“What are you doing here?” Her excitement makes her voice shake and she completely forgets about Megan as she hurries towards me. Megan turns around in confusion and snorts when she sees me getting out of my truck, but follows Emery.

She hangs up the phone as she reaches me and hesitates when she reaches me, but I’ve missed her too much to behave. I wrap my arms around her and her whole body relaxes as she snuggles into my chest.

For the first time all week I feel at peace.

I breathe in her scent, holding onto her for longer than I should. When I finally release her, Megan is just catching up to her.

“So this is a thing?” she asks with a smirk and both Emery and I begin to panic. Our eyes widen as we both stammer over denials until Emery sighs in defeat at Megan’s amused expression.

“Please don’t say anything. To anyone,” she pleads. “No one knows.”

Megan laughs, shaking her head. “I won’t say anything and I don’t want to burst your bubble, but all the girls know.”

“No, they don’t,” Em immediately denies. “Except Torryn. She’s known from the start.”

Megan pats her on the shoulder and now that she’s said it…she might be right. Dammit.

“Isla’a figured it out for sure,” Megan argues. “Her and Tor always trade these looks. I could never figure out what they were about, but this,” she pauses to point between me and Em. "This makes it all make sense.”

Those two do trade a lot of looks.

“And Colby?” Emery asks hesitantly.

Megan shrugs. “I don’t know for sure, but she just gives that vibe. Like she would know but would wait until you were ready to tell her. Speaking of, why are we not telling anyone?”

We both sigh as we trade looks. It’s something I wanted to talk about with Emery today. Sneaking around only makes it even harder to see her.

“Tate and Zac won’t like it,” Emery whispers and I hate how small she sounds. I never want to be the reason she has to hide pieces of herself or feel ashamed of her choices.

Megan mimes sealing her lips. “They do seem overprotective, but your secret is safe with me.” She adjusts her backpack on her shoulder, looking around at the parking lot. “You taking her home?” she asks .

At my nod, she hugs Emery and says her goodbyes, turning back to her car.

We get in my truck and Emery sits in the middle, leaning on my shoulder as I pull out of the parking lot. I turn up the heater and adjust the vents to blow warm air on her face and she smiles in thanks.

“I missed you,” she sighs and I feel it in my whole body.

“Feels like we do a whole lot of that,” I agree, hating how much space is between us.

She nods her head against my shoulder, and I squeeze her thigh with my hand. Even weeks full of stolen moments and this girl never fails to make my heart beat a little faster.

I pull off the street and into a drive thru, ordering two hot chocolates. She smiles when I hand her hers, blowing on it before taking a sip. She scrunches her nose as it’s still too hot and I chuckle, driving to a residential spot known for its views over the city.

We sit in silence overlooking the town and the snow falling all around it.

“Em,” I call softly.

She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “You want to tell Tate.”

Not only has the guilt been eating away at me every time I see my best friend, it makes it all that much harder to see her. “We could see each other more if we weren’t hiding it.” I point out, taking a sip of my own hot chocolate.

“I don’t like lying to him,” she says in a small voice and it stabs me in the chest. I know she doesn’t. I’d never assume she did. “I’m just scared,” she finishes, and the tears that glisten in her eyes when she looks up at me are damn near my undoing.

“What are you scared of, baby girl?” I cup her face in my hands, wishing I could take every little bit of doubt and insecurity away from her. “He’s going to be mad, sure. He’s probably going to kick my ass, but once he sees how much you mean to me, how serious I am about you, he’s going to come around. I know it.”

She shakes her head in my hands, tears spilling down her cheeks. “What if he makes you choose?”

Shock makes me freeze as the realization hits me of where her head is at. Punching me in the face would have hurt less. “Em, are you scared I won’t choose you?”

Sobs wrack her body and my heart breaks a little more with each one. “He’s your best friend.”

I pull her into my lap, holding her tightly and desperately wishing I knew who made this strong and vivacious girl doubt herself so much. How she can’t see how incredible she is will never cease to bewilder me. “And you’re my girl,” I assure her, kissing her tears away.

Once she calms down a little, I start over. “Your brother might be an idiot sometimes. And yes, he is stupidly overprotective of you, but he loves you more than he loves anyone. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy to tell him, or he won’t say something in the heat of the moment that’s hurtful—but he would never intentionally hurt you.”

I know that with every fiber of my being. I’ll be the one who takes the brunt of Tate’s anger and if does start to direct it her way, I won’t stand for it.

“He’s not going to ask me to choose between the two of you,” I assure her again, but because I know that’s not the real root of her fear, I continue. “But even if he did, how could I ever walk away from you?”

She sniffles and it’s so goddamn cute, I steal a kiss, the salty taste of her tears making it the most bitter-sweet one we’ve ever shared.

“You really don’t think he’ll ask you to?”

This girl. What am I going to do with her ?

“If he does, he’s not the guy I’ve known my whole life. So let’s pick a time to tell him,” I encourage, more solidified in my decision to make this happen than ever. “I want to be able to kiss you in public and have you in my bed without having to worry about my roommates hearing us.”

Her head rests between my shoulder and my neck and I keep my arms wrapped around her waist as she agrees. “Okay, let’s tell him.”

A huge weight is lifted off my chest as soon as she agrees.

“After this weekend,” she adds. I want to argue, to convince her we should drive to him right the fuck now, but all it takes for me to bite my tongue is that one arched brow in my direction.

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed your anxiety all week long.”

It’s my turn to sigh. Talking to her is far too easy and way too natural for me to even contemplate lying to her. Not only would she know instantly that I’m full of shit, I’ve already shown her my cards.

“You can’t add another thing to your plate before the game against Everleigh,” she argues, even though I haven’t said anything. I know full well she’s right. “How are you feeling about it?”

She looks me in the eyes, studying my expression to make her own determination if I’m really doing alright. “I’m anxious,” I admit easily. “I haven’t spoken to any of my former teammates. A few reached out, confused when I never showed back up, but I needed a clean break.”

I didn’t expect for there to be anyone who’d miss me. It was easy to assume the three guys I put into the hospital would turn the rest of the guys against me. I’d already heard it from so many people, how I let them down, I couldn’t stand to hear it from the guys who I’d thought for years were on my side and at my back .

Worse, I didn’t want to have to realize just how many of those guys I had been oblivious to their true colors.

“Now I have to face those guys and some of them only think of me as having abandoned them without knowing why I did or how it even happened.” I was too brash with my departure, with my decision to cut everyone off.

The further I’ve gotten from the situation, the more sure I am that I handled that part of my exit the wrong way. Though even my coaches advised me not to, I could have approached it differently.

Emery takes hold of my hand in hers, putting it in her lap. “Is that what you’re worried about? How they see you?”

It’s my turn to lean my head against her shoulder. “I don’t know, Em,” I breathe out. “I can’t tell you if I’m more worried about facing them and realizing I was wrong to cut them all off, or if it was the right call and I was wrong about so many more guys I had thought of as my brothers for so long.”

She doesn’t know what to say, but just her being here with me, breathing her in is enough to calm me. I don’t know if there is anything to say.

“What happened, Xander?”

For the first time ever, I feel relieved that someone is asking me. She’s not asking in an attempt to understand how I could fuck up so badly. She’s asking in order to be there for me, to support me.

“Tate is the only person I’ve told the truth to,” I admit to her, for the same reason it feels right to tell her this story. “And I was drunk as fuck when I told him,” I add with a laugh. I have to take a deep breath and I close my eyes against the vile truth behind my actions. To this day, I can barely wrap my head around the whole thing.

“The Everleigh team wasn’t like the Wolves. They weren’t as close. Didn’t care about each other the same way these guys do, but they were fun. Fuck were they fun.” And I don’t mean that in a good way.

“It’s not something I had realized until after I left the program, but there’s a reason they aren’t in the running for the championships. They’re a good team, once they were even one of the best, but they rely on that legacy to get the recruits.”

That’s the reason it had always been mine and Tate’s dreams to go there. We grew up in an age where they were an exemplary program that put the work into developing their players and you only went there if you were serious about a future in hockey. Like their dad.

It’s strange to think back and realize the signs were there all along and I missed them. A lot of people missed them. No one really had a bad thing to say about Everleigh. Their fall from grace imminent but still in the shadows.

“I loved my coaches there,” I explain, which is part of the reason I don’t regret my time there. “I respected them, but a few bad apples can rot the whole basket no matter how nice the basket is if you don’t throw them away.”

Emery’s fingers trace patterns over my arm and something about it is soothing.

“Did you try to throw the bad apples out?” she asks.

I chuckle, I guess you could say that. “I put three of the bad apples in the hospital.”

She doesn’t flinch or tense or even pause in her ministrations, her confidence in me unmatched. “They probably deserved it,” she agrees easily and fuck. The warmth that blooms in my chest at her absolute belief in me makes me see how fucking gone I am for this girl. She didn’t just steal my heart, she stole my whole damn soul.

“They did,” I whisper. They were the starting O-line and we were friends. Roommates. We lived together for a year and a half, we partied together and shared a shit ton of laughs and good times, and I never saw how they were the scum of the earth.

“I never liked how they treated women, but I also didn’t see it as my business. They weren’t the first guys to have nothing but strings of one night stands to the point they would forget who they had and hadn’t slept with. The girls they were with, never seemed to care all that much and kept coming back for more. So what business of mine was it?”

I look back at so many things differently now. Have a lot of regrets about not looking closer at how they treated all those women and if the women really were okay. I should have made it my business a little sooner.

“Until one night, I caught all three of them with a girl in our basement and she was way too fucked up to consent.” My stomach turns as I remember the night. “Fucked up doesn’t really accurately describe the state she was in. She was nearly unconscious, Em.”

I can’t even understand the appeal of being with a girl who can’t even participate. Who isn’t begging for your touch. The memory will haunt me. And worse, the possibility of how many other girls were in that basement while I was blissfully unaware.

Wet tears smack my hand and I find Em tearing up for the girl who’s name she doesn’t even know, but aches for all the same.

It’s clear what the three of them were planning on doing to her. They already had their phones out recording and taking pictures of her partially nude state. Had already violated her in unthinkable ways, but I don’t have it in me to describe everything I saw that night. I don’t want the memories to haunt Em too.

“I flew into a rage. All I could see was the fear and confusion on her face. I kicked the shit out of all three of them in a way I didn’t even realize I was capable of. For a moment, I was even scared I had killed them.”

The day still lives so vividly in my mind, the fierce need to destroy them the way they were destroying this innocent person. It wasn’t until after all three of them were knocked out that I really saw who the girl was. Recognized her. The betrayal sunk that much deeper.

“I had to call an ambulance for them even though a part of me wanted to leave them like that. But I called a friend from a class to take care of the girl first. She came when she heard the panic in my voice and cried when she saw the scene. But she took care of the girl.”

Melinda will forever have my gratitude for helping me pull my shit together. We had never been extremely close, I didn’t have anyone like that at Everleigh. But Melinda was tough as nails and smart as a whip. I didn’t think she knew Kerry but I knew she would protect her and be there for her nonetheless.

“The two of them got to the hospital first and she was admitted under Jane Doe. I saw her after I got my stitches and she was still barely coming to. We found out she had been drugged. They had to pump her stomach that night and I realized how evil those guys actually were. They had planned it, maybe not for the first time and I was oblivious to what was happening right beneath my feet.”

Kerry Mulligan looked so damn small in that hospital bed. She didn’t look like the bright and bubbly college kid I knew who was always around practices and games. She did little things to make all our lives better, snuck us our favorite snacks, and helped make the coaches’ lives easier too. She was kind and sweet and a part of our team, even if she never stepped foot on the ice. But none of that life could be seen while she laid there, she looked like a small, broken child. She deserved so much better .

“My friend stayed with her. She had never met her before but she knew she was going to need someone when she came to. It was her who suggested I wait before I told anyone what happened until the girl was awake and could make her own decision. I trusted her and kept my mouth shut.

“Our coaches showed up at the hospital, disappointed and confused at what could have possibly happened to make me go off the wall, but I wouldn’t say why I did what I did and they never realized a Jane Doe had been admitted just before we got there who was also a college student.

“It took a few days before I could make it back to the hospital and check in with her. She was okay. She got all the tests and all the things done. Even one of those rape kits once she was sober enough to consent to it, but she didn’t want anyone to know.”

Maybe the worst part of the whole situation was seeing her after. The way it broke down the girl I knew and how she cried and begged for me to help her keep it a secret. She was worried it would kill her dad. It was only the two of them left in her family. Kerry worked so damn hard to make him proud and she was terrified what this would do to him. Would do to their relationship.

“She was scared and traumatized and who the fuck was I to tell her what she should and shouldn’t do? To retraumatize her in order to cover my own ass. I couldn’t do it. Even with the truth I would have faced consequences for my actions. I could live with that. Even if I lost hockey, I could live with that,” I justify to Emery, but she is only looking at me with compassion. Not only for me, but for this girl whose name she doesn’t even know.

She kisses me and her tears stream between the two of us. “Is she okay now?”

I smile as I think about Kerry. She’s processed things on her own terms in a way that wouldn’t have been possible if she had come forward. As far as I know, her relationship with her dad is still strong. She still talks about him when we catch up sometimes. “She’s strong,” I answer. “And she’s still working through it but she’s as okay as a person could be after that. We talk every once in a while,” I admit. I thought she would hate any reminder of that day, but she continues to reach out every so often and responds every time I reach out to her. “She felt really guilty about what happened to me, but I’ve told her how much happier I am here. About how Tate and I go way back and I even told her about you.”

“You did?” Emery asks in surprise.

“You are the very best part about what moving here has brought me. I wanted her to have no doubts about this being the right place for me so she could let go of her misplaced guilt and focus on herself.”

Kerry cried when I called to tell her my mid-season transfer was approved. Emery and I sit quietly while I think about her and Em probably processes everything I just told her.

My coaches knew something was going on and they cracked down on the entire hockey team before I got the ax. I hoped and prayed it was enough to keep other women safe but there’s always worry that I didn’t do enough to prevent it from happening again.

Melinda helped me spread rumors about what would happen in the hockey houses. Gave warnings to girls who wanted to party with that crowd. I always wished we could do more and still protect Kerry, but it’s never as simple as that. Reporting them wouldn’t guarantee justice or that it wouldn’t happen again.

“What if I go there this weekend and realize nothing has changed? If those assholes are just as confident and cocky as they’ve always been and look me in the eye as if they won, and are still pulling the same shit…” I trail off as I contemplate it. “I think I’ll kill them, Em.”

She holds me tighter, breathing heavily. “You can’t save everyone, Xander. It’s an impossible decision to have to make but I think you made the right one. That girl was the victim in front of you, the one you could do something about. The one you could protect. And you did and she deserved that. She deserved to have a hero put her first. We can’t know if more victims exist before or after her, but you can’t put that weight on yourself.”

I sigh, leaning into her touch. “Logically, I know you’re right,” I agree. “But it’s hard not to let the guilt fester.”

She kisses my cheeks. “I know. Tate will have your back while you’re there.” She hesitates, studying my face. “Do you want me to come? I could get a hotel.”

I kiss her nose. “You don’t have to do that. You still have school tomorrow,” I remind her. We leave tonight, play tomorrow, and should be back tomorrow night. “I’ll call you though, before my game and after,” I promise.

My anxiety over the game lingers, but as I kiss Emery, I believe it will be alright.

Somehow.

There were a lot of ways I imagined this day going down.

Every single one of them played in my head over and over again. Bench clearing fights, getting myself arrested, finding out more of the team was involved in what happened to Kerry or other women like her. Realizing most of the team was exactly who I thought they were and like me, had no idea what was happening under our noses. Knowing I turned my back on good guys who could have also supported the girls on campus and protected them had I trusted these guys enough.

I even imagined those assholes realizing how fucked in the head they were and getting the help they needed. Atoning to the people who they needed to.

But never in any scenario did I picture the way this game is turning out.

We showed up ready for a fight. For a war. Tate and I were prepared to deal with a whole shit ton of chirping and I was bracing myself to keep my damn composure the best way I can. To take out my aggression on the ice.

Not a single player has met my eyes. Not the guys I played with, nor the guys I barely knew or have never met. More than a few faces are completely missing, including all three of the jack asses I put in the hospital.

Not a single one of these guys are antagonistic either. They’re almost meek. Even the way they played is messy, disjointed, as if neither their head nor hearts are in the game. It throws me off more than I can put into words.

They send passes to our players instead of their own. Allow us to mow them down with very little effort in blocking or passing the puck. It’s almost like they want us to bury them and dance on their graves.

We demolish them five to zero and it might be the least satisfying win I’ve ever gotten in all my years of playing hockey.

Our locker room after the game isn’t filled with usual celebrations and chatter, but confusion as we all wonder what the fuck was going on out there. We came for a war and showed up to a slaughterhouse with a bunch of players ready to accept their defeat.

“What the fuck was that?” Beau asks, half laughing as he sits on the bench in disbelief .

“I have no idea,” I answer. The question wasn’t necessarily directed at me, but I figured I was the only one who could answer.

The coaching staff walks into the locker room, Coach Wilson’s head bowed as Coach Adams whispers to him and Coach Schroke covers his face in shock. They stand just away from us where we can’t overhear them and have a near silent discussion. Even they seem lost.

I grab my phone from my locker to text Emery but freeze when I see several missed calls from Kerry and Melinda. Panic grips me that something must have happened.

Coach claps his hands together, drawing our attention, but I’m still staring at my phone. There’s a missed text from Kerry as well, telling me she didn’t know I was playing Everleigh tonight and she’s sorry.

Sorry for what?

“Listen up, boys. We’ll talk about this game at practice. For tonight, hit the showers and get ready to go to a hotel. We’ve got a change of plans and are staying here for the night. Bus leaves in twenty-five minutes.”

Confused chatter builds all around me. I’ve never heard of last minute staying overnight at a hotel unless there’s dangerous weather. Is there a storm we don’t know about?

Somehow I get the feeling it has nothing to do with that, and everything to do with Kerry’s text.

I call her back and she answers in a breathless panic. “Xander, I’m so sorry. I would have given you a heads up if I knew you were going to be here. I wasn’t paying attention.” There’s a second female voice in the background trying to soothe her obvious anxiety attack.

“Hey, hey. It’s okay. Whatever it is. You’re okay,” I hush.

“Channing,” Coach bellows my name. “You’re with me. Now. ”

“Oh my god,” she starts all over again, obviously having heard Coach. “I’m so sorry. I’m getting you in trouble all over again,” she cries.

I head to Coach but keep my phone pressed to my ear. He gives me a questioning look but doesn’t ream me out. “That’s just how he always sounds,” I say lightly, making Coach snort at my side. “I’m not in trouble.” At least I hope not. “Whatever you did, it’ll be okay.”

“I reported them,” she whispers and I can hear how those words break her. “There were other girls, Xan. The rumors you and Melinda spread, it got the girls talking. Sharing stories. It wasn’t only me.”

Anguish like I’ve never known and tears fill my eyes. Coach’s hand lands on my shoulder and he squeezes, a knowing look in his eye. One filled with empathy. “I’m so goddamn proud of you, Ker. So fucking proud. I’m going to support you in any way I can,” I promise. I wipe the tears from my face. “So stop stressing about me, okay? I always turn out just fine.”

She laughs but I can hear the congestion from her own tears.

“Okay, I’ve got to go. I’ll call you later.”

I hang up before she can say anything else.

Coach pats my shoulder as I take a deep breath and try to settle myself. I can barely process what this means. “You could have told us, kid.” I’ve never heard him sound so gruff.

“It had to be her choice,” I answer and hearing her emotions on that call made me all the more sure of it.

“You’re a damn good kid, Xander. I’m proud to call you a Wolf.” He hangs his head, a deep sigh emanating from deep within. “There are some people that need to talk to you,” he continues. This is why we’re staying tonight. I swallow thickly, knowing I’ll have to relive that night all over again. I can’t imagine how Kerry has been feeling.

“Now?” I question, looking down at my state of half undress, still with some of my pads on and covered in sweat.

Coach huffs a laugh, but even that sounds drained. “No, shower first. But don’t talk to anybody about this. Got it?”

“Yes, sir.”

I do the bare minimum, stripping as fast as I can and going through the shortest shower I’ve ever taken, not even waiting for the water to fully warm up. Tate’s eyes follow me and he always makes sure to be one step ahead of me. When I’m done and head back to Coach, he’s one step behind me.

He sighs when he sees us both. “I should have known.” He rubs his temples but gestures for us to follow him. “No promises, Moore. They’re likely to kick you out.” Tate silently nods, but is an ever present force at my back, giving me strength.

Fuck how I wish Emery were here too. Wish I would have had the chance to call her before walking into this meeting, whomever it may be. Though I’ve got a bad feeling.

My palms are sweating and no matter how often I rub them against my legs, it never feels any better. It makes me flashback to the last time I walked down this same hallway, to the same office, I’m pretty fucking sure we’re going to.

Coach leads us to the athletic director’s office, knocks once and enters. I swallow thickly again, tears already filling my eyes at what I know I’m going to find behind that door. His face is the first thing I see and the torment in his eyes that makes him look broken and older than when I last saw him makes my throat close around my words as I try to push them out.

“Hi, Coach Mulligan.”